Danielle Nicole

“On My Worst Day (I’m Still in Love With You)” - Erika Ingrid

It’s been years, but I’m embarrassed to say that I just now realized that I felt that way because of my mom. Growing up, she used to angrily tell my brother and I that she could send us away and forget she even had children when we would frustrate her. I remember fear permeating my being every time she’d wield that threat. Panic, even. I think she, too, thought being able to “surgically” break the bond she had with her children as something that proved her resiliency.

But I wanted to write about this because I was wrong. We both were. Surgically removing someone from my life doesn’t make me strong; it’s a reaction to being hurt. It’s trying to self-preserve in the most extreme way. It’s the truest declaration of “I’m only thinking about myself right now.” When my mom would tell me that she could forget me, she wasn’t thinking about how heavily it weighed on my heart or how small it made me feel. She wasn’t trying to hurt me at all; she was just trying to make herself hurt less in the only way she knew how and for that, I forgive her.

I often think of all the people I’ve loved that I’ve ghosted. I try not to live with regrets, but I do wish I knew then what I know now. I wish I fought harder for the people I’ve loved to remain in my life because honest to god, I miss them. Not in that I want to be with them, but I so miss our conversations and think about them all the time.

If I wrote a manual on how to love me, I think I’d start out with the order of my love language preferences: acts of service, physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, then gift giving. It’s not that I don’t appreciate the occasional bouquet, but if I woke up one day and you told me you washed my car, I think I’d actually shed a tear or two.

Maybe chapter two would be about our conversations. Tell me about the details when I ask about your day; I’m invested and want to hear them. The dreams you had last night, the brunch you had 7 months ago that you’re craving for today’s break-y, why you think the Starbucks drip is the absolute worst, and the logistics of the project you’re working on. I can’t promise that I’ll always understand the project logistics, but I can promise to always support and encourage you. If you wish for me to change something, be honest with me but use gentle language and I can pretty much guarantee you’ll have your way. And please, please, please, if you tell me you’ll do something, big or small, be true to your words; mean what you say.

Be patient with my anxiety. I’ve put in so much time and effort in the past few years to get better at managing it, you may even forget it’s something I struggle with. But when I don’t offer to drive to that new restaurant we’ve been dying to try, it’s because thinking about where to park in an unfamiliar place kind of makes my palms sweaty, not because I’m lazy.

Music is everything to me, so when I share a song with you, listen to it. Not just have it playing in the background while you drive, but like actually set time aside to notice the instruments, the lyrics, and how it all melts together; preferably with a warm beverage. Maybe we could even experience it together.

The little things add up.

Ya’ll need to brew a cup of tea, light a candle, & then listen to this piece while taking sips and not doing anything else. 💓