Crying two days in a row at work. New record. Cycling between binge eating and nothing at all, day to day. I never resonated with "these drugs make me feel like a zombie" but 300mg of lamotrigine will do it. Some days I just don't feel the point of anything. I see other people post about CPTSD and it all hits a little close to home. Pieced together some things with my therapist. Explains a lot. I asked Well what do I do with this, how do I work with this? Did not get much in the way of a response. Noticing is not enough. Can't get over the abandonment at the end of our relationship. I felt completely alone and kept saying unraveled, which paled in comparison to how I felt later/feel now, and I got nothing back. But I'm the one who's bad at communicating. Seriously. Right before my birthday? Which you planned nothing for? If I close my eyes for too long, I feel like I will pass out. You've got to eat. More weight loss. Not great. Therapist did not see anything in that. I feel unmotivated, misunderstood, alone. Again, prison of my own design, but not completely. I still have the key on my side. Multiple relationships where I've been abandoned and left to deal with the emotional Christmas lights. I don't know if this is helpful or not. It seems like ruminating, wallowing. I just want to throw this fucking thing in a river and get a landline. I'm sick of piles and piles of lists I can't stop making. The plans I would make if I had the time. The things I could learn if I wasn't so afraid of everything.
Boo hoo.
