she calls me chaos

Authors’s Note (Bonus Drabbles Below): 

The idea came to me at the end of what I would unfortunately have to claim as a rather shitty day. It was late, I was tired, I remember that my hands were shaky and I could barely see or breathe. I didn't want anyone to hear me so I got in the shower, something that I've found is just easier. Moments like these can only go three different ways, I've found. The first is that I begin to blame myself, which I know isn't the best thing to do and I would recognize that if I could just think. The second is that I simply, or maybe not simply, stop— stop everything. The more numb, the better. The third thing, or option I suppose, is to stay calm and realize that everything is going to be okay. It always is eventually. Thankfully, I've been resorting to the third option more than the other two. This night was no exception either.

Showers, I think, have a magical power. They make you smell nice, they enable you to sing, and they help you think. Sometimes, though, they make me think too much. And so I found myself thinking, depressing really. I thought about everything I've gone through, everything my friends have gone through, everything my family has gone through, and I asked myself why. Why do we do the things we do even though we know there is really no other purpose than existing? I have never been one to become existential in my way of thinking, but at some point one does wonder if their life will mean anything in the long run.

Of course, I have no answers. I picture that the sky would laugh at us if it could. But while I was thinking, I did have one thought that has been lingering for quite some while. Although, I know deep inside of me that my life, or anyone else's for that fact, doesn't particularly matter, it makes me feel more me while in my skin to think that I could make some kind of difference to another person's life. To think that maybe they didn't have to feel as I did, that they could learn from my mistakes. It's a big assumption, I know. But if there is anything I want to do with my life, it would be to help people, because all in all, everyone needs someone to lean on.

This obviously isn't possible for me— to let everyone lean on my shoulder— but maybe instead I could do something else, something more personal, more solid, and more guiding than what my mere existence could provide. That's where writing enters, very dramatically I would imagine.

Reading to me has proven to become a singular savior, my favorite characters became best friends, their worlds like a secret backyard I could escape to when I felt unwelcome in my own home. I would see through their eyes and live a thousand lives. I felt from them, learned from them, grew from them. If I could somehow become that provider for others than I too could become happy, with myself and my life.

This story is merely a stepping stone, a singular moment explored and told. It doesn't even scratch the surface, but it makes it all worth it if even one of you understood, related, felt, learned from, smiled, laughed, cried. Any of those and it mattered, because the world is a place where all of that is running short.

I hope my readers know that life is more than those bad moments in the shower. That people are worth more than mean comments and hateful words. That times passes and things do get better. Life is what you make it, so make it worth it because there is only one of you and only one life to live.

Love a lot, everything if you can. Take risks, as long as you aren't harming others or yourself. Hug your family and best friends more often. Talk things out when you are angry; don't assume anything. Check on your strong friends. Drink more tea and take more baths. Don't forget that you can say NO. Don't forget that you are worth everything and that you are just as important as everyone else. Most importantly, don't stop struggling to find your happiness. Just like Seoyun says, "she's been climbing for a while, but that in itself is enough for her."

10 Months Later

“Are you sure you want this?”

“Baby.” Came Chanyeol’s concerned, but strong voice from the other side of the wall.

Seoyun was on the verge of ruining her makeup, if she hadn’t already, and her dress was so heavy she wasn’t sure anymore why she chose this one.

“Of co—”

Seoyun cut him off. “—I mean I want this, and I know there is no reason to panic, but I am and I’m so sorry because our wedding is literally in like thirty minutes, but Chan—”

Chanyeol cut her off. “—Take my hand.”

Huh? Came her confused reply. Only moments ago, had Chanyeol’s mom rushed from the bridal room like the world was ending when Seoyun burst into tears over a simple comment the makeup artist had mentioned about men getting cold feet.

His mom had promptly gotten Chanyeol and dragged a pitiful Seoyun from the floor like a suburban type superhero. She had forced him to stay on the other side of the hall before leaving them be, their backs less than a foot apart, yet separated through a thick layer of plaster and wood. Of course, Seoyun could simply step around the opening of the hallway, but then he would see her, and everyone knows that the groom seeing the bride before the wedding is bad luck.

But then a hand appeared from around the edge of the wall, his hand. Seoyun stared at it without moving for reason she wasn’t even sure of, her own shaky hand hesitantly coming out to wrap around his after careful deliberation.

There was silence when they met. And then a light twinkling feeling in the pit of her stomach began to bloom as his thumb rubbed soothing circles on her palm. She rolled her shoulders out and a deep breath was exhaled from her lips. Was that the feeling of relief, she wondered?

“Feel better?”

She almost felt ashamed to say yes, but she knew he understood with or without a wall between them.

“You know I’ve been ready for this since we both said I love you for the first time, because I do love you and I know without a worry of a doubt that you make me happy, and loved, and god Seoyun I thought last night in bed was confirmation enough… I mean I basically came so quic—”

“—Chanyeol!” Seoyun gasped, hitting what little of his arm she could see. “Your mom is just down the hall!”

“I mean I’m sure she knows we have se—”

Seoyun hit him again, but this time, she couldn’t help but let a few giggles slip from her mouth. “Last night was good,” she admitted.

“The best.”

Then they were both laughing, their quiet chuckles not as quiet as they thought they were, cascading down the halls and filling them both up with a giddy kind of love neither of them knew they were capable of. And when they died down, and only smiles remained, his hand was still in hers. Reassuring and so Chanyeol-like that she was beginning to wonder why she worried in the first place.  

“So, you don’t have cold feet and you aren’t going to take one look at me walking up the steps and run?”

“Who even said that?”

Seoyun sighed, not wanting him to make a scene or be upset at a probably innocent make-up artist. “Just answer the question.”

“No baby, no cold feet.”  

“Good,” came a familiar voice from Chanyeol’s side of the wall, “because the groom has to get to his place now.”

The best man, Baekhyun, popped his head around from where Chanyeol’s hand was, his bright smile comforting to Seoyun. “And I assume you have a few things to finish yourself before you officially get married. You look beautiful by the way,” he added around a kind eye smile.

“Hey,” Baekhyun was pulled forcefully from her sight, “if I can’t see her than you definitely can’t.” Chanyeol huffed.

Baekhyun was already egging him on, their hands separating as Chanyeol went to hit him again. “Too bad, so sad.”

Seoyun listened with a smile as the boy’s voices faded from her hearing until all that was left was her and her light heart.

She can do this, she’s sure of it.

2 Years Later

There were many things in life that Seoyun once thought she hated, but perhaps she was beginning to realize that they were merely things of her past that she thought were unhealable. And as she stared at them now, Chanyeol fast asleep on the couch, his mouth gapping open and their beautiful daughter wrapped tightly in his arms, her small fingers still stuck in a lock of his once silver hair turned naturally black, she knew that the things she loved in this world quite outshined the things she had still yet to heal from.

She found herself kneeling to sit beside them, her eyes roaming over her forever family with disbelief. Did she truly find happiness? Her heart knew the answer to that, and a delicate smile took over her face.

It had been two years since they married, seven since they met. It seemed, in a flip of a coin, that nothing had changed, and yet everything had changed. They looked somewhat the same, despite maybe a few shining hairs and a crease here and there, they still smiled the same though, hugged the same, loved the same. The world around them kept spinning, life went on, but she was sure now that they were forever.

It was then that Chanyeol’s eye cracked open to peer over at her. With no words, he simply leaned his head a little closer and pouted his lips out for a kiss. The act was easy, oh so easy, and so routine for her that she had almost forgotten how much she loved his tenderness; how the first thing he wanted when he woke was not to be left alone, not to seek out food or a shower, not even to wake their daughter, Boyoung, instead it was her— as simple and un-simple as that.

Her stomach erupted in a blossom of fluttering wings and a breeze so soft, she found herself guided back to him as if there was nothing more important to life than that. Their lips met, a soft pillowing of sleepy petals and she sighed at the taste of home.

“It’s almost the first, Chan,” she whispered into him. “You fell asleep yet another year.”

“It’s too hard to resist.” He mumbled back, his words like kindle being flamed to life. “Her soft snores always lull me to sleep.”

“And you’re getting old.” Seoyun smirked, which he flatly ignored in favor of his daughter, reaching down to grace her with a light kiss on her small forehead. She loved watching the two of them; Boyoung was just like him, her big eyes and goofy laugh, and you definitely couldn’t refute the mischievousness that oozed from her like a gift from her father.    

“She has your sleeping habits for sure,” he remarked with a fond lift to his lips.

“She is a daddy’s girl.”

Chanyeol’s eyes sparked with that same twinkle of mischief and she knew he was inching to make some kind of crude remark, but before it could grace her ears, distant, but loud throes of rejoicing could be heard from outside.

It was midnight, and fireworks were cascading through the sky like shooting stars. They had made it another year together, and a full one year with their daughter.

Seoyun stood from beside them and padding gently to the window, peering out at the light show with wide eyes. It was snowing ever so slightly and the blue lights still hanging from Christmas made everything look bathed in a pure glow of halo. It was beautiful.

She felt Chanyeol’s form brush up behind her, and a small head fell gently onto her shoulder. Boyoung’s deep chocolate eyes, the same as Chanyeol’s, gazed into hers’ with a sleepy yawn and a huff from being woke up. She blinked slowly before drooping back into a peaceful sleep.

“Happy Birthday baby,” Seoyun whispered, eliciting a half-dreaming smile from her.

“And Happy New Year,” Chanyeol added, coming to wrap his arms around her waist.

The three of them stood as fireworks ushered in another year of love and healing and simply being together. She doesn’t think there was any room to hate within the little, but strong family they created.

There wasn’t anything else she could wish for.

thank you for reading

please like and reblog if you enjoyed :)

please remember:

+ do not plagiarize

+ suggestions are open

visit the masterlist

come chat with me

Golden Hour 

I held the slightly crinkled note in the palm of my hand, feet antsy in anticipation of those stormy eyes. My stomach fluttered at the memory and I tried to swallow it down, to pretend I was feeling nonsense, but the wings of his touch and those grey, grey eyes of his were too encompassing to let it pass.

My fingers traced the spot where his feather like kisses were branded into the crown of my head and my heart thumped against the cage of my chest in half-faltered beats as if it were still attempting to match tempo with his. Is it normal for your body to remember someone, to long for someone, when even your mind is still lagging in the words to comprehend your emotions?

His writing was soft and rounded, not at all like I would expect.

I’m sorry I have to leave…

Don’t go, I wanted to say at the parchment.

You are sleeping so peacefully. I don’t want to wake you, but I have to pick Jisung up from his friend’s house…

Wake me, I don’t care.

I’m glad we ran into each other once more…

So am I.

If you’re not busy, come next Sunday at 7. Jisung is having a party. He’d love to see you— so would I…

I wouldn’t miss it.

Call me sometime, okay. So, I can hear your voice.

Always.

A week had passed and yet, I hadn’t stopped reading his note as if I were reading it for the first time, discovering something new within myself as I overlooked it. Oppa would laugh at me if he knew the way I was feeling about his best friend. Or perhaps, maybe he always suspected, and I was the one who laughed it off.

The thought slipped away from me as I neared Sehun’s building, my ears perking at a familiar, short chuckle. His broad shoulders and tall frame took over the center of my eyes and I found myself walking faster, drawn like a hummingbird to its favorite nectar. He was unloading his truck, a fresh Christmas tree in tow; it was bigger than any I had ever seen, and the green thistles were cascading all around him like imitation snow.

I found myself calling out to him as he sat the tree down and closed the back of the pick-up. His head quickly turned in my direction, a bright smile lighting up the frosted bits of his nose and cheeks. We spotted one another and then he was taking the few large strides to my side and enveloping me tightly in his arms. I breathed him in, his usual scent of fresh pine and a vibrating greenness from the trees he handled coursing through my senses.

“Haru-ya,” he whispered into me. “You should have told me you were leaving, I would have come and gotten you, so you didn’t have to take the bus.”

I pulled back, taking in the pooling, content lightness of his stormy eyes in delight. “The walk was nice actually, and you were working anyways.” He was still wearing the thick, cargo jacket and sporting a black task belt filled with different equipment I knew nothing about. The title Environmental Field Specialist, Oh Sehun, was shining brightly on his chest.

“The walk was nicer than riding in a warm car with a handsome man?”

“A handsome man?” I pretended to look around, my eyebrows scrunching as I searched for such a culprit. “I’d have to find one first to know.”

Sehun tsked and I broke out into a light laugh, moving my hands to brush the snow and stiff thistle from his broad shoulders. “It was nice,” I stressed, “because I’m still getting use to the new neighborhood and I’ve found that there is lot to explore.”

Sehun let out a half-defeated-half-reprimanding sigh. “Still, call me next time,” he insisted, his fingers going to tuck a lock of my hair away. His touch was warm, and dare I say it, nicer than anything else.

I waved him off with a playful jest to my eyes anyway, taking a step away, but then he pulled me gently back, his stormy eyes suddenly serious. “Promise me, Haru. We can explore the neighborhood together if you want, just don’t go alone anymore.” He muttered gently, as if the thought of me walking alone in the cold pained him.

The air caught in my throat and I was struck silent by the pervasiveness of his demand, but regardless, a calming warmth spread through my body and I found myself nodding yes. His hand fully laced with mine, a thumb going delicately over the bend of my knuckles.

“C’mon,” he smiled, “Jisung and his friends are all inside.”

He pulled me up the stairs and into the small apartment he had always stayed in, the familiarity hitting me like a wall of cool, crystal water. The numbers 203 were gleaming in my mind as a photograph revisited countless times when he opened the door and led us inside. The first thing I remembered was the light.

Sehun always kept things so open and bright. Now, as the sun was setting, the apartment was basked in golden, beautiful light that illuminated the space and highlighted the blonde crown of Sehun’s locks in a halo of warmth. He looked lively then more than ever, a kind smile blooming on the quiet of his face and his fingers drumming lightly against mine as he watched me watching him.

The second thing I noticed was the homey kind of chaos that ensued around the space. Sehun’s small dog, Vivi, came running to my feet with a trail of whimpers following him, and in the living room, playful yells could be heard from the booming entertainment center.

“Hello,” I cooed, reaching down to pet an awfully vibrant Vivi, who was usually stuck up and only responded to Sehun. “Did you miss me? I missed you!” I patted his head and Sehun simply chuckled, looking fondly at the two of us before turning to call across the house for Jisung. Shortly after, Jisung came trotting out with six other boys in tow.

“Noona! You came!” He exclaimed, running over and embracing me in a quick hug. “I’ve missed you being over all the time.” I squeezed him tightly back, his young face twisting my heart. He looks exactly like Sehun did at that age— except somehow so much taller.

“I missed being here too.” I smiled, patting down his messy hair. “Are these friends from school?”

“We all play basketball together.” One of them said, sporting a boyish smile and kind eyes. “I’m Mark, the captain. It’s nice to meet you Noona.” He shook my hand and I couldn’t help but to return the smile.

The rest introduced themselves one by one. Renjun, the small one, and Jaemin, the oddly charismatic one, bickered about how Jisung is always forgetting his water bottle at home— to which Sehun glowered at. Chenle and Haechan, the loudest ones, were in a heated debate about something regarding the game they were playing. And lastly, Jeno, a mildly shy boy, shocked me by asking for a hug— something he apparently likes to do when greeting all new people. Sehun shook his shoulders at me as if to say it shocked him as well, but of course I gave him a hug.

Then they were back off to their game and it was just Sehun and I again. He nudged me before trailing off into the hallway that led to his room, throwing me an all grey look over his shoulder to make sure I was following. My feet shuffled after him, but all I could think about was my brother’s nasally kid voice always telling me I wasn’t allowed down there with them, that girls were a bore, especially little sisters, he would say.

Then Sehun would let me in anyway. I let the memory sit on my shoulders, its weight getting easier to hold.

Sehun’s room was just as I remembered it— well lived in and a little messy, but organized in his own fashion. The bedspread was still the same warm chocolate color and his walls were still the same shade of his light eyes, the ones he is flashing me now.

“The only thing that’s changed in here is you,” I remarked, touching the edge of his over-spilling bookshelf.

Sehun tilted his head in question, sitting back on his bed as he watched me lazily look through his room. “I’ve changed, really?” His hand was propped under his chin and his blonde hair was falling into his eyes. My fingers began to tingle in desire to run through the slightly knotted locks, to pull the strands through my digits and feel—

I blanked when an amused bend to his lips graced his angled face as he caught me staring. I turned away, pretending to look at the books so he couldn’t see the flush of color rushing to my face. “Yeah…” I almost coughed, “you look old now.”

Sehun snorted, throwing his head back. “Is that so?” He asked, a layer of husky playfulness coating his voice. “What exactly about me looks so old, huh?”

His laugh was contagious, and I found myself turning towards him. I neared his spot on the bed and he reached out to me, pulling me closer so I was standing over him and in between his legs. I pretended to inspect his face, drawing my eyes lightly over all of his features and following their movements with the pads of my small fingers. He let me, leaning gently into my touch as his hands rested on my hips.

“Your nose is longer,” I started with a short chuckle, tapping the bridge lightly. He raised a brow at me, but his eyes were sparkling. “And your face got quite bigger.”

“Seems like fair signs of aging,” he played along as I traced the outline of his face, coming to wrap his arms around my waist. We melted into one another, seemingly forgetting the painful circumstances that haunted us as our past became a point of comfort, of familiarity that propelled us together rather than pulled us apart. In the moment, there was just us two and nothing else mattered.

“Of course, there are so many wrinkles now too.” I finished with a smirk.

Sehun pretended to be offended. “Me? Having wrinkles? You must be blind.” He spilled out, reaching for my face to gently lower it to his. “Is there something wrong with your eyes?”

This time it was his turn as he looked over me, slightly prodding my skin and pinching the apples of my cheeks until I was giggling slightly under my breath. “Hmm,” he whispered with a crescent fall to his lips, his breath falling over me. “Nothing’s wrong here, they’re just as beautiful as ever.”

Somewhere along the way, we had ended up face to face. His nose was brushing against mine and all I could see was his stormy eyes gazing at me, the golden hue of the sunset filtering in through the window and surrounding us. I leaned into him and his warm hand settled on my cheek, pulling me closer as his—

The door slammed open and I jumped back. The two of us separated from shock, but at seeing that it was just Jisung’s form in the doorway, Sehun seemed to instinctively pull me closer again. It wasn’t until we really looked at Jisung, however, that we noticed his puffy red eyes and the blank look on his face as he stared down at his feet. He was holding his cellphone haphazardly in the palm of his hand, looking as if it were about to lose its grip and fall from his grasp at any second.

I went to ask what was surely on both of our minds, but Sehun beat me to it. “What happened?” He breathed out in building question.

Jisung took a slow, shuffled step forward before finally meeting Sehun’s gaze, a loose tear running down his small face. “Hyung—” he broke off, more tears falling freely.

Sehun stood up almost instantly, grabbing Jisung on the shoulders as he looked back and forth between him and the phone. “What’s wrong? Tell Hyung what happened.”

“M-mom called…” Jisung finally got out. Sehun’s face went blank, but his eyes darkened significantly. “She was trying to get me to meet her somewhere, b-but when I refused, she—” he choked, his face splotching in red. Sehun tried to calm him, one hand wiping tears away as the other patted his back. All I could do was stand helplessly, the image of them two weighing down the same image of my brother and I.

Jisung struggled. “—S-she got really mad and started yelling—”

Shh, Sehun soothed, his voice quivering slightly, but from the growing look in his eyes and the stiff posture building in his muscles, I could tell it was from anger. “You don’t have to say it.”  

Sehun glanced over his shoulder and I froze from the pure intensity he was giving off, but his gaze softened as it landed on me. His eyes conveyed everything I needed to know in order to see that he wanted help. I quickly took the few steps over to them and Sehun maneuvered the phone from his grasp and stepped out once I had a hold on Jisung. His footsteps were booming as they walked from the room and through the front door, it slams behind him.

“Come here,” I breathed out, taking his hand. “Come sit down.”

“I hate crying.” Jisung sniffed, letting me pull him over to Sehun’s bed. He folded in half, rubbing his tears away with small fists as I patted his back lightly.

“There’s nothing wrong with crying.” I offered smally, not expecting his remark. “Noona cries all the time, so does your Hyung.”

Jisung looked up then, his red eyes watery and unbelieving. “Does he really?” He asked in a cracked voice.

“Of course. Everyone cries sometimes, there is absolutely nothing wrong with letting out your emotions and feeling whatever it is that you are feeling at this moment. Sometimes Sehun and I even cry together.”

Jisung’s face scrunched up, the tears slowly coming to a stop, but he didn’t say anything else or try to rub them away. We stayed silent until he had completely caught his breath, some healthy colors returning to his face.

“I don’t get it…” he trailed off, looking at the ground as if he was waiting for it to provide him with all of the answers to his questions. I found myself looking too, hoping in a sliver of chance that maybe it would. He let out a reserved huff, one that resonates the guttural exhale of what it means to be a young boy expected to handle everything like a grown man.

Men were pitiful like that, I’ve realized, stuck in a box that was their body, confined and betrayed by even their ability to express. I looked at him and was reminded of my own brother, a tightness surrounded my throat and my eyes began to burn. I set my hand atop his shoulder and tried to radiate every bit of support I could through my fingers and into the cool fabric of his red jersey.

Sehun entered then and the door creaked open as he pushed through the small wooden frame. He had to bend a little as to not hit his head, his large hand rested backwards onto his neck as he feverishly rubbed his blonde locks around. He looked tired as he made eye contact with me, the tired that is mental, the tired that rests in your bones. I knew this, for I too understood that unwarmable ache.

Pleasantries never worked, nor did your favorite movie on a Saturday night wrapped in pajamas that you deemed just right. You still clicked the TV remote off and let it sink back in, let the tired rest into your bones and whisper silence louder than any attempt to lighten yourself had ever spoken. I smiled at him, albeit a weak one, but it was genuine. He returned a soft gaze of his own, one that was so Sehun-like that I felt like no other gaze amounted to it. Stormy eyes blinked out a gentleness; a comfort that had always been there.

He rested next to Jisung and placed his hand in the same position as mine on his opposite shoulder, rocking his younger brother a bit before pulling him into his chest. My hand fell away and I closed them together in my lap, so I didn’t have to feel the absence of warmth.

The sight of brothers clinging together, always together, brought a tender image I felt connected to, yet so far distanced from that I found myself looking away, sniffing to acknowledge to myself that I was indeed real in this moment. Sehun stroked the top of Jisung’s identical blonde locks and looked down at him with a wiseness that he seemed to carry on his shoulders. It was the same look he would give my brother when they were growing up, and at times, would even give me.

It was a look he always had, even when he was young, and I, even younger. A soft smile of bitter sweetness glimpsed my face as I remembered.  

“Halmeoni!” She cried with the anguish of tightened muddy fists and a tarnished dress, painted with the throes of play gone wrong. “Halmeoni!” She looked at the familiar, yet unfamiliar way in which strangers moved past her, their eyes reflecting the muddy remains of her dress.

“Whose child is that?” They whispered. “Who cares.” Another says.

Haru pushes past, suffocating within the bends of foot traffic and bike whistles, distant radios and patron chatter. Her eyes blur and she wails out in desperation just as someone grabs her arm tightly, pulling her to the side with the grip of heated intent.

“What’s the matter, my puppy, what happened? Where’s your brother at?” She recognized the sweet sigh of her grandmother’s voice. The distant, but firm smell of earthy mushrooms from their shop and the blue starch apron that was always wrapped around the bend of her wide hips. Haru collapsed against her side with huffs of pink lips exhaling the remainder of her stress and releasing the stares from cold, careless faces.

“Halmeoni, Oppa needs help!” She begged with tense eyes, taking fistfuls of that blue apron into her tiny palms. “He falled from the top, the top top Halmeoni! I-I told him to get up, to stop picking on me like you told me to do, b-but he won’t get up! Halmeoni,” she whined, tugging again, “Oppa won’t get up! Oppa won’t get up!”

“Oh, my puppy, my sweet Haru, what am I goin’ to do with you.” She clicked her tongue as her hand caressed the brown locks of Haru’s tangled hair and tucked them behind her ear.

“Dry them tears baby, here comes your Oppa now, and that handsome Oh Sehun boy beside him. Go on, look,” she coerced with a slight push, unfurrowing the small hands from her apron and giving them a loving pat. She reached down and pinched the soft flesh of Haru’s pink cheeks and Haru giggled, a tinkle of soft bells, before nodding her head and turning anxiously to find her Oppa.

She gasped once seeing them indeed coming up the road, her brother waving an arm in the air and Oh Sehun gazing on with that particular look of his. The grandmother simply chuckled before turning back around to tend to her rows of turnip roots, mushrooms, and other vegetables littered throughout the small shop.

Haru had a fresh set of crocodile tears falling down her face by the time she reached her brother and his best friend. She ran into his arms and he patted her head like older brothers do.

“Why you didn’t get up?” She accused, her fiery eyes demanding answers while sneakily running her gaze over her brother’s body, inspecting for wounds the size of watermelons she would beg her grandmother to cut into bite sizes during the summer months.

Her brother simply smiled. “I’m sorry, I was just catching my breath. Sehun will tell ya’, won’t you?” He nudged his best friend with a look of obligation, but Oh Sehun was already patting her small head with the same look of love her brother had given her.

“You don’t have to worry Haru-ya,” Sehun announced, his voice steady and warm. “I’ll take care of all the bad things before they happen, that way you won’t have to cry again.”

Haru dried her tears and held out her small pinkie finger as a response. “It not true if you don’t promise it.” Sehun laughed, but held his hand out, nonetheless. “And don’t forget to stamp it!” Their fingers pushed up against one another like walls of support and they both smiled, innocent, loving smiles.

A light hand fell against my knee and I blinked the memory away, looking at the large palm of Sehun’s warm hand as it rested against the dull material of my jeans. I had the urge to envelope that hand into my own, to hold onto it and force it to promise me like it did once ago to drive away all the bad things, to turn back time and make everything better again.

I wanted, in an unfair pleasure, to have Oppa back, to laugh with him and do normal things with him. I wanted to receive texts way after I had shut myself in my room, asking if I wanted ramen and if I wanted spicy or savory because he knew my answer would always be yes. I missed the constant chatter, the TV blaring as soon as I walked through the door because he constantly forgot to turn it off. I missed being loved, unconditionally, by one person who would always be there.

Was supposed to always be there.

It was unfair, but it isn’t a fairness I could change. And it isn’t a fairness Sehun could change either. He wasn’t ever able to, which in itself, is the most fitting, and yet unfitting thing to say about him.

I decided to hold his hand anyway. It felt nice in mine; it felt like it could warm my bones. He rubbed his thumb over the back of my knuckles and squeezed tightly. It was like he needed something to ground himself on— just as I held onto myself for reassurance, he reached out and held onto me. The grip, though warm and gentle, felt foreign, like the grip only knew how to comfort, not to receive.

It made me wonder, who was ever there for him?

Just as easily as he held on, he let go. And as if one was normally able to see warmth leave your body, I saw it leave his with a tremble of his fingers and a dullness of responsibility in his gaze.

“Listen,” he spoke clearly, pulling Jisung back to look him properly in the eyes. “There are going to be people in this world, no matter where you are, that will try to tell you how to feel about yourself. They’re going to tell you that what you feel isn’t real, that what you feel isn’t right. They will de-validate you every chance they get in order to validate themselves. Do you get what I mean?” He asked firmly, his stormy eyes searching intently for something I wasn’t even sure of.

Jisung sniffed, rubbing his nose on the back of his hand. I pushed a tissue from my pocket into his palm, to which he took absentmindedly. “I guess… I just don’t get why. Why would she call me after such a long time, call me close to Christmas,” he seemed to correct himself, his words like embers from a dying fire. “Why call to just tell me that she’s tired of trying and that I’m a lost cause? What does that even mean?”

Sehun sighed through his nose, his eyes fluttering shut for the smallest of moments before pulling Jisung back into a hug. He looked almost motherly then, as if he was willing to be, to do, whatever it took to protect Jisung. Protect, though, felt like a small word in light of what I felt Sehun would do for those around him. He was extraordinary in that way, selfless in the most self-driven way.

“She says those things because it is easier for her to believe that you are the problem instead of acknowledging that she is the problem. That’s where you have to know inside that what she says isn’t true, that everyone else doesn’t get to say who you are or what you are capable of being. You and only you get to decide that.

“It’s an awful lot to ask of one person, but I need to know that you understand that there is nothing wrong with you. Can you promise me that you won’t listen to her when she says things like that?”

It was Jisung’s turn to sigh this time, his though, was short and contemplative, it came from the head instead of the gut. “I promise... I guess.”

“You guess?” Sehun asked in the same way Oppa used to when I back talked him.

Jisung turned and looked at me instead of answering Sehun. It shocked me inside and my eyes widened, remembering that I was here too, not just watching from the outside, but actually a part of something important. Jisung pouted his lips out, but his eyes were suddenly dancing. I knew that look and for a few seconds, I felt light in anticipation.

“Noona,” he deadpanned in a very no-nonsense manner. I looked at him straight before he said rapidly in one breath. “Please-date-Hyung-already-he’s-an-inch-from-being-seventy-years-old-and-I-fear-that-you’re-his-last result-for-liveliness-I-mean-you-should-have–”

Sehun let out an indecipherable blurt of words, quickly reaching for Jisung’s mouth to stop him from continuing. Jisung’s laughter escaped through his palm, however, lightening the room with every outburst. “–shood’ve heen ‘em pashin’,” he struggled against Sehun, his eyes turned half-moons before finally freeing himself from his grip “–waiting for you to call!”

“Oo-okay,” Sehun ended, picking up a cackling Jisung by the arms and pulling him from the bed. Jisung gave me a few half attempts at winks over Sehun’s large body before Sehun covered his face with him palm and pushed him out the door. “Since you are so funny now, go be funny somewhere else.”

“Ahh Hyung,” Jisung whined, looking like the smallest fourteen-year old I had ever seen. I couldn’t help but laugh out loud as Sehun slammed the door in his face, completely unmoved by Jisung’s efforts. It was times like this that I remembered they were siblings, young siblings, before everything else. Maybe it was the most important thing to remember about them, yet the easiest forgotten.

Sehun waited patiently by the door until he heard the video game music cue backup and Jisung laugh at something one of the boys had said. His shoulders seemed to relax then and he finally turned away, coming back to the bed and plopping down beside me.

“I’m sorry,” he directed at me around a huffy laugh. His eyes were closed, and his cheeks were lightly dusted in petal-like pink. I thought he looked awfully cute then, and though a small part of me felt that feelings as such were too unfitting of our circumstances, another significantly disagreed.

“Don’t apologize,” I said as I fell onto my back beside him. “I’m just glad Jisung is feeling a little better. Your mom sounds…” I trailed off, not wanting to say anything to worsen the mood— although like an asshole, was resting on the tip of my tongue.

Sehun hummed in response, a low, guttural one that made my insides tingle and a soft shiver to run up the expanse of my back. A swirling haze of clouded grey was pooling in the depths of his eyes that felt endless as we sat still and breathed on another in. His eyes housed a lifetime of enduring, of letting it all in and swallowing it down one grain of salt at a time. A grain for every loss of innocence, a pinch for each disappointment, a spoonful for building regrets, and a handful of molding heartache— he was cooking inside, and it was bubbling up, over, and into the space he allowed me to exist in. There was only a small crack he hinged open to fit a hand through in hopes that someone would hold on.

He gazed on at me and I gazed back, as simple and completely un-simple as that.

“There were times that were good,” he furrowed his eyebrows as if it was hard to speak. “It wasn’t always this way, I guess. But still, you can say it, she is an asshole,” he smiled one of those not so happy smiles and I tried to return the favor, but the notion didn’t quite translate.

“When Jisung was born, I really thought they had changed. Dad came back from America and ran the business remotely, and Mom stopped—” he paused, and my insides broiled, but he knew I had known for a long while and so he settled on, “—the abuse.

“They love Jisung, they really do, even if they suck at being parents. But even so, they aren’t good to be around and there’s no way I can sit and let her do to Jisung what she did to me. Especially since Dad left and I am no longer the small, easily manipulated boy anymore. There is no one else but Jisung to take her anger out on.

“He misses her, though, I can see it when he looks at the other mothers at his school or comes back from his friend’s houses and talks about how kind their parents are.” He gulped as he looked into me with unsteady, dissolving ends. “Sometimes, I’m worried I am not enough.

“Am I doing the right thing Haru?” He whispered and the crack in his large wall grew a little more.

I felt overwhelmed in the moment, a wall of frost falling around us and encapsulating the sacks that held the soup of us inside. Sometimes, I’m worried I am not enough. Sometimes, I’m afraid to figure out what enough is.

Instinct, really, is what drove me to reach out for him, to stop the numbing and reach for the fire. To say it was anything else would be purely extrapolation. It was embedded in me to reach out, but for him, it was a new sensation, a bleeding of orange and yellow ink into the thin lines of his torn skin. He held on, though. And when our foreheads rested against one another’s, his body was left shaking and needy, dripping the salty exhaustion of boiling so much frost inside.

I spoke when he was warmed.

“I think that enough and right thing will never be a judgement I can make for you, maybe not even for myself. I can’t tell you what makes sense or why things are the way they are. Those are all things we have to come to ourselves, in our own time.” My hand reached out and gently grasped the side of his chiseled face. His skin was warm and soft, and he closed his eyes against my touch. “I can tell you that being here, right now, and feeling upset, afraid, doubting yourself, being unsure of the future, or anything else, is okay. Sehun, it’s okay to not know and it’s okay to not be okay.

“All we can do as people is feel everything there is to feel, soak it up and process it, but then we let it go. What we decide to do from there is exactly what we were meant to do— enough and right thing will never factor into that because you are simply you and your actions will only ever be yours.”

His eyes fluttered open, his long lashes bouncing with the weight of unshed tears— tears that I would guess hadn’t seen daylight in a long time. “Jisung loves you and he is protected, loved, and accepted unconditionally by you. Those are things that you, solely, provide for him with no guidance and no one asking you to do it. If enough exists, then you will always be enough for Jisung.

“And for me.” I added as an afterthought.

He took a while to say anything and I imagined he was soaking it in as he slowly evolved me into his grasp. His fingers became nimble petals, leaving light traces of growth on the small of my back and the soft of my arm as he bloomed all around me, sliding his tender rooted fingers into the locks of my hair. He breathed in my oxygen and I breathed in his grounding presence until we were buried into one another.

“You won’t leave me, right?” He asked in tightened fingers and pollinated yellows.

“No,” I promised. “And you won’t leave me?”

“I’m yours, Haru-ya, that’s never changed.” He planted a delicate kiss across the loam of my forehead and breathed out the words I knew I had wanted to hear for a long time. “And if it’s what you want, then we can be each other’s.”

thank you for reading

please like and reblog if you enjoyed :)

please remember:

+ do not plagiarize

+ suggestions are open

visit the masterlist

come chat with me

Christmas Day

She woke up alone, and what was worse than waking up alone?

Saying goodbye? Being late? She didn’t know anymore. Not when all she really wanted was to wake up next to the one she loved every morning, every night, every in between. If she was waking up next to him, then everything else seemed less significant.

Seoyun’s legs felt restless without his warmth to succumb them to sleep. Her fingers too, they searched for him underneath the cooled silk of their sheets. And yet, they came back empty-handed.

Her eyes found their way open, peeling back against once heavy sleep to peer through what she has come to understand as an empty room.

The worst part— it wasn’t even morning.

Maybe he was peeing. Very possible.

The light wasn’t on though, and he never walks around in the dark, he’s too clumsy.

Water, maybe? The full bottle by his nightstand seemed to shrug at her.

She was getting up the next moment. She wasn’t sure why either, but something ached at the thought of being alone on Christmas Eve; some small part of her that looked an awful lot like the child who spent too many sleepless nights wrapped up in only her own tiresome company.

She padded through their cracked door and found herself tracing the memorized path down the corridor. A soft glow met her on the other side, an illumination of warmth that outlined exactly what she was seeking.

“Chan?”

She was whispering into a still house, not even the creak of the wood floor beneath her displacing the heavy air. Not until he turned— that was when the shadows seemed a little less daunting. A hum of his soothing voice reached towards her and the space around her vibrated to life.

He was sitting back in his favorite spot on the couch, stretched as if moments away from falling asleep, yet eyes so clear she knew there was no way. Hair rumbled like a mop on his head, tired lines worn thin between his eyes, a red palm as if it were carrying the weight of restless thoughts— she wondered then, what exactly was on his mind?

“Seoyun…” His voice crackled like spoked firewood.

She felt her feet begin to tug her in his direction, wanting to be as intimate as possible. Chanyeol reached out when she was close enough, and clasped their hands together, pulling her lightly down to sit in his lap. She sighed, resting her head against his comforting chest like there was nowhere else it belonged.

“You’re still awake? You should be sleeping.”

His hands came to wrap in her hair, his chest playing a calm rhythm against hers.

“You weren’t there.” Was all she could think to say.

Chanyeol paused his light caressing, making her crack her eyes open to take a long look up at him. It was as if he was shocked by her words, though she couldn’t be for sure. And then, as if he had made his mind up about something, he smiled softly and pulled her even closer to him.

“I tried not to wake you,” he breathed out, “but I suppose that didn’t work out too well.” She shook her head, giving him a small pout that he chuckled lightly at. “I’m sorry, I just needed a moment to rethink some things, so I came down here.”

She wished, suddenly, that she could be the person that could smile, say it’s okay, and move on. Because if she were, then she wouldn’t be sitting here, tensing up from the worry of wondering what he meant by rethinking. A tight feeling of unease was settling over her chest like a cloud of acid rain and all she could think was, surely not because of what happened last night, not me, right?

Courage found her somewhere in all of that, her voice barely above a whisper when she asked, “Rethinking what?”

He took in her stressed appearance with a slight tilt to his head, a curious gleam filling his eyes before blooming to tenderness.  

"Oh, no baby." He instantly mumbled, a look of tenderness in his eyes that seemed to show how easily he could read her. "I wasn't re-thinking you, never you." He reassured, leaning down to place a delicate kiss on the crown of her head, the touch leaving a lingering feeling of warmth that was more spiritual than physical.

Seoyun felt her lungs deflate in relief and once again, she felt a tad bit silly for overreacting about things she already knew the answer to. He loved her and she knew that— she could feel it in every touch, every word, every gesture. She hoped that he could feel the same from her.

"Do you want to talk about it, maybe I could help you." She found herself saying, blinking her eyes awake in order to will herself to focus. If Chanyeol could help her with all of her problems, then she could return the favor.

Chanyeol, though, let out a light humm in response that sounded closer to content-ness than distress, as if he were still caught in the idea of something great.

"Let's just go back to bed, I think you already helped me make up my mind."

Seoyun didn't protest, already dreaming about how nice the bed would feel with both of them in it. She stretched closer to him instead, wrapping her arms and legs around his body. He let a rumble of laughter run down his torso at her actions that had her chest feeling light.

"Clingy much?" He teased, standing up with her tightly wrapped in his embrace. His footsteps were lulling her to sleep as he climbed up the steps and into the room, setting her gently on the bed so he could pull his shirt up and over his shoulders, the mess falling onto the floor with a silent thump. She watched though dazed lids as he crawled under the covers, landing with a huff next to her. He closed his eyes immediately, snuggling his content face into the side of her soft pillow.

A yawn escaped his large mouth, drawing attention to the soft dimple on his cheek. Seoyun couldn't help herself when she leaned down and dropped a lingering kiss there before resting beside him.

Before she could settle, his arms were trailing around her small frame and capturing their bodies closely together. He stuffed his face into his spot on her neck, soft lips brushing the skin there delicately. And as she finally let her eyes fall shut, a hand threaded down her waist and interlocked with hers. A feeling of warmth spread through her chest as she let herself let go, his steady heartbeat bringing her back to a peaceful sleep.

They stayed like that, hand in hand, until morning came.

…

A delicious smell was meandering through the air and tickling Seoyun's senses awake as they lingered dangerously close to her nose. She could feel herself being pulled from her precious sleep at its enticement, her eyes threatening to crack open all by themselves to take a peek at what could possibly be the source of something so sweet and so, so savory.

A small noise that sounded similar to a door creaking helped her to stir fully awake, her numb hand coming up to brush the tired away from her eyes.

The first thing she noticed was that the cream drapery had been pulled back from the window, giving view to a beautiful baby blue sky dappled with snowflakes that seemed like little presents from above. The sight alone was enough to make her day, but then something in the corner of her eye caught her attention, making her willingly drag her gaze on the source of their distraction.

Unbeknownst to her, a delicate smile began to trace onto her lips as she watched Chanyeol set a tray filled with an assortment of mouthwatering foods down onto the bedside table. He though, believe-it-or-not, was what she was more interested in. He seemed content, a permanent look of tenderness and dare she think it, amazement, written on his face as his eyes met hers for the first time this morning.

"Merry Christmas." He half-whispered, his eyes boring holes into her like he was incapable of looking away, or maybe was just unwilling to look away. Seoyun's breath caught in her throat at the sound of his deep morning voice. His silvery hair was disheveled like always and there was a splatter of what looked to be strawberry jam on the corner of his lips. He was wrapped in flannel pajamas and her apron that was two sizes too small on him, but that didn't matter. If anything, it made her only want him more.

"Merry Christmas." She finally managed to spit out, fully propping up and giving Chanyeol room to sit down next to her on the bed. "Did you make me all of this?" She asked, gesturing to the plates of steaming goods that was currently testing her self-restraint.

Chanyeol tilted his head as he gazed at her, a twinkling look in his eyes. He shook his head in a manner of yesdistractedly. "Who else?" He blinked. "My girlfriend deserves everything on any plain day, so it only makes sense to be even more extra on Christmas Day and start it off with your favorites in bed, does it not?" He questioned lightly, his tone playful.

"Come here," she reached out for him, not trusting herself to speak anything with the way her heart was beating from his soft words. A deep chuckle escaped his chest as he let her tug him towards her lazily. She felt that her lips could be compared to a heavy magnet, Chanyeol's being the willing paper clip that always manages to get itself stuck.

Chanyeol leaned forward to close the distance, but landed a soft kiss on the apple of her cheek instead, plainly meaning to tease her. "Of course, you can only have it if my baby does something for me in return."

Seoyun pulled back with a slight huff, her eyebrows scrunching up in a mock look of annoyance. "Oh yeah?" She tested. Chanyeol gave her a singular nod back, saying that he was not budging today. "Fine," she relented, the smell of bacon invading her nose once again and making her weak. "What is it you want, and I'll decide on whether-or-not I'll give it to you."

Chanyeol placed a hand on his chin and turned his gaze towards the ceiling as if to demonstrate his process of thinking, even though she was pretty sure he already had in mind his request. Then he turned to her with a confident look that had her hand ready to smack his chest if he requested something stupid.

"Firstly, you have to give me a kiss any time I want.” He laid out firmly, his face almost comically serious. Her heart leaped at his statement and she couldn't help herself when a small giggle escaped her mouth, making Chanyeol's eyes dance as he watched her. Seoyun had already planned to do this with him so she easily nodded, gesturing for him to continue with her hand.

"Secondly, you have to watch old cartoon re-runs with me after we unwrap presents because you know how much I love those." Seoyun found herself agreeing again.

“Easy enough. And the last one?” She asked, her eyes falling to the scrambled eggs she imagined was getting cold.

"Who's to say there is only one more thing?" Chanyeol teased, dropping another kiss on her cheek. Seoyun shot him the look, making him let out a light relenting chuckle.

"The last thing is that you have to promise to go along with anything I say today, even if it seems weird in the moment. Can you do that for me?" His voice was suddenly very soft and hesitant, almost like this was of actual importance, unlike the other two simple requests.

She had originally thought about messing with him until he just relented into letting her have the breakfast, because come on they both know he would drop the requests if she batted her eyelashes enough, but something in the way he was asking made her hesitate.

"Yeah…” She heard herself agree against his persuading eyes. "I think that’s doable."

A brilliant smile overtook his face before he leaned down and finally brushed a lasting kiss on her petal-like mouth. Seoyun decided that more than anything, she loved the sweet taste of his lips, like strawberry and something just so Chanyeol that was too hard to simply put into words.

"Shall we dig in then?" He questioned after pulling back, the dimple on his cheek standing out in an adorable way.

Seoyun nodded her head animatedly in agreement, eliciting a giddy laugh from Chanyeol as he reached over and pulled the plate towards the both of them. Her mouth watered at the sight of what seemed to be all her favorite foods, paired with some traditional ones too that Chanyeol liked.

There was a stack of waffles, since she didn't really like pancakes, sausage patties, fried eggs, hash browns, and then rice and steamed fish alongside some delicious broth that she knew he must have called his mom to get the recipe for.

She reached for a sausage patty before plopping it into her mouth, the savory taste almost making her moan in appreciation. Chanyeol had always been the chef in the house.

"When did you have time to make all of this, it must have taken a few hours, right?" She asked in slight amazement, her fingers grabbing for a slice of apple next.

Chanyeol reached over and tucked a stray piece of hair that was threatening to dip into the syrup of her waffles away behind her ear. He began to cut the steamed fish as he sent her a light shrug. "It didn't take me that long. Although, I was reluctant to leave the bed. You were all cuddled up against me and drooling on our pillow. I should have taken a photo."

Seoyun stopped her chewing, reaching up quickly to wipe away imaginary slobber from her cheek. "I did not!" She protested. "Right?" Her eyes were wide in embarrassment.

Chanyeol let a booming laugh out, slapping the side of the bed in high amusement from her reaction that sent all of the plates jingling together. "You should see your face!" She grumbled in response before looking away with a half-mustered pout.

He reached over and landed another kiss on the corner of her mouth making her turn towards him with a forgiving sigh. Chanyeol guided a fork-full of fish to her mouth once he finished cutting it and checking for any small bones. "Here baby," he offered, brushing open her lips with the pad of his thumb before spooning in the tasty fish.

Her heart skipped a beat at the content look he had on his face from feeding her, watching her chew and swallow with delight. "Good?" He questioned, his eyes falling to her lips as she licked them clean.

She hummed in delight, forgetting her embarrassment all together. "Delicious."

"I'm glad you're happy." He whispered, sitting back on his elbows as he watched her easily finish off the plates he provided, having had enough himself.

"Why wouldn't I be? I have a boyfriend who loves me and makes me amazing food." She said around her last mouth-full of buttery goodness, almost to emphasize her point with the chewing.

Chanyeol simply let out a content chuckle, tracing patterns on the exposed skin of her ankle. Seoyun munched on the last bit of apple, feeling overly full, but content. She really didn't need to eat all of that, but she knows that Chanyeol likes it when she eats a lot, so she tries to finish everything when he cooks.

"Done?" He asked around a smile, shifting the tray aside when she confirmed that she was indeed done.

"Can we open presents now?" She asked with a little too much enthusiasm, her eyes wide. Christmas might as well turn her into a little kid again with the way Chanyeol spoils her with literally anything she may have asked for throughout the year. She knew he partially does this because of her childhood, but it made her happy regardless of the reason.

He chuckled, holding out his hand for her to take. Seoyun though, bounced over and latched onto his back with a sly smile.

"Carry me?"

"What am I a taxi now?" He asked in an unbelieving voice. He still wrapped his arms under her legs, his hands pinching lightly on the soft skin there, making her squirm. Seoyun nodded her head at him, liking what it felt like to be the one at the head of the teasing.

"Well," he started, abruptly standing up so she had to cling to him. "You better pay me then."

"Can I pay in kisses?"

Chanyeol gave her a look that translated across as that’s obviously the only currency I take. She giggled before leaning over his shoulder and dropping a light kiss on his cheek. He huffed and walked forward to the doorstep, his steps rough as he bounced her on his back. They made it halfway to the stairs before he abruptly stopped.

"This is as far as a cheek kiss will take you Miss, you'll have to pay up to get to your presents."

"Will this do?"

Chanyeol turned his head slightly and then she was smashing her lips onto his, their softness melting together like steaming hot chocolate. He made a noise of appreciation in the back of his throat and she smiled into the kiss, nipping lightly before pulling back.

Hmm, he acted like he was pondering her question, his eyes dancing as he let a breath-taking smile light up on his face. "I think that’ll suffice."

...

Seoyun and Chanyeol sat around piles of discarded decorative gift wrapping, his being haphazardly thrown everywhere while hers lay in organized piles with the wrap still slightly intact. She never would reuse the wrapping, but she hated to demolish something so pretty. Chanyeol, on the other hand, thought that you didn’t do justice to the gift unless the wrapping ended up everywhere.

They had gone through all but the last, most important gifts for one another. They had a policy of opening them one at a time, from a scale of least to most important. Chanyeol had gotten her a bunch of gifts, but what stood out were the cute shaped chocolates from the new corner sweet shop, a really soft scarf that he bought in hopes that she would stop stealing his (not going to happen), and the box set of a book series she mentioned that she wanted a really long time ago—she was impressed with his memory this year.

The part she loved most about Chanyeol's gifts was that they were always picked carefully, after long hours of thought. He never randomly bought something, which in her mind, made everything leaps and bounds more special because it was like a piece of him was going into the gift, no matter how small or taboo.

Seoyun wasn't quite as savvy and thoughtful with her gifts as he was, but she still tried, and he always seemed to be thrilled regardless.

Their messy tree was shining beautifully next to them and Chanyeol's pick of soft jazz was made the mood just right. She realized, with a slight shock, that for the first time in a really long time, she feels nothing but a light buzz in her chest. She found herself humming, and don’t only happy people hum without realizing it?

She felt that warm type of buzz in her veins that makes everything look rosy and giggles to bubble out of her mouth for no reason other than wanting to smile and be happy. There were no fake grins to cover up the pain, heavy pangs at the mention of family, sweaty palms and anxious teeth— she just felt… content.

Purely and so delightfully free as she watched Chanyeol fail to try on a sweater, his laughter making the room warm as he struggled with a bright smile. Maybe, just maybe, she's finally caught up with the breath she has been struggling to take for the past twenty-five years.

Maybe, she's ready to move on.

"Okay, okay." Chanyeol calls lightly. "It's time for our last presents, you give yours first."

"Why do I have to give mine first?" She pouted, standing up because the gift was wrapped in the next room.

"Because mine is more important." He responded with a tease, although his eyes held a look of slight seriousness that made her decide to just go along with him. She did, though, stick her tongue out— he wasn't allowed to win everything.

Seoyun walked into the spare bedroom, more of like an office area, and picked up the slightly heavy box wrapped in bright red paper. She decided to box the gift because otherwise it would have been plain obvious what was contained inside.

"Ready?" She called out, excited for him to get the gift. She knew he was going to love it.

"Obviously,” he snickered.

She plopped the gift down on the carpet in front of him and Chanyeol instantly went at it, tearing the paper away to reveal the cardboard interior. "Wow," he played. "I got a box."

"Shut up you dummy and open it before I bring it back to the shop."

"Yes, Ma'am." He sent her a mock salute, the smile never leaving his dimpled cheeks. Chanyeol finally got the box open and began to pull the gift out, his hands wrapping around it and immediate shock showing on his face. His eyes widened and he looked up towards her with obvious hesitance, but extreme excitement swirling in the sea of mocha.

"You didn't." He muttered, unable to believe what she had done quite yet.

Seoyun smiled a warm smile, one that she could tell made him look again. "Oh baby, I did." She shot back.

Chanyeol let out a girly squeal, or as girly as his deep voice could produce, pulling out the beautiful baby blue Les Paul guitar from the packaging. He has been ogling over this guitar ever since the Music Center in the mall put it on display around six months ago. He had made such a big deal when he first saw it, stopping her and Baekhyun from eating in the cafeteria and dragging them over to the store. He had proceeded to ambush the workers with questions and begging to let him test it out— which they eventually did, probably just because they wanted him to leave already.

She could tell how much he wanted it, so she saved up and purchased the collector’s item a few months later. Chanyeol was genuinely upset the next time they went to the mall when he discovered that it had been sold, the cashiers seemed extremely confused at his dismay to the point where she was afraid they would point out that he had indeed been the buyer, but thankfully nothing of the such happened.

She has been relishing in his anguish ever since, knowing how much of a surprise it would be when he unwrapped it Christmas morning.

"Do you like it?" She questioned, her voice holding back a spout of laughter at his flabbergasted face.

"Like it? Fuck baby, I love it. I love you."

Chanyeol set the guitar carefully back down, sending it a promising look before leaning forward and tackling Seoyun in a hug. He planted playful kisses all along her cheeks, leaving little wet marks that made her squirm under him.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. I can't believe," he placed pebble-like kisses on her nose, "that you," another on her forehead, "bought me that," gentle ones on her eyes, "fucking guitar, I love you so much." He planted one long-lasting kiss on her lips despite her bubbling over laughter.

"You're welcome." She managed, holding her chest from the welcomed pain of laughing so much. "I love you too."

Chanyeol pulled back, his face alight in that golden hour kind of happy glow. "My turn." He whispered, dipping back to land another peck on her delicate lips before producing a small velvet box from his pajama pockets. He reached out and lightly grabbed her wrist, placing the small box in the palm of her hand.

Seoyun felt the air still around her and everything seemed like it was falling away from her— in that moment, she couldn’t think of anything more important than what a small, but simple box could mean for the two of them.

She gulped and tore her eyes from the box to lock them with his. Was this what she thought it was? Was he… could she even think it? His eyes did not betray his intentions, and something in her stomach was way too afraid to just ask.

That meant she had to open it.

Chanyeol seemed to understand that too, looking extremely content with the reaction he was producing from her. "Are you going to open your gift? I'm waiting patiently baby, you don't want me to wait any longer do you?"

She blinked at him before looking back at the box, her chest swirling with unspeakable emotions. She felt herself slowly push the box open, coming to face the contents with her bottom lip pulled in between her teeth.

Seoyun's breath caught in her throat and she looked up at Chanyeol with a look of extreme betrayal, reaching over and hitting him as hard as she could across the chest. He doubled over in laughter, his loud bursts ringing off of the walls.

“Yah, how could you trick me like that Park Chanyeol!" Seoyun accused with a finger jabbing into his chest. "I should break up with you for playing me!"

She glanced back at the gorgeous set of diamond earrings with slight contempt, noticing their beauty, yet disappointed that it wasn't something else. Chanyeol seemed to know exactly what he had done, not even bothering to correct her. He was such a tease; she was going to get him.

"Seo,” he started, trying to calm down his frantic chuckles. "What did you think was in the box?"

She huffed, sending him a glare. "You know exactly what I thought was in the box."

Chanyeol came closer to her side, pulling her into his lap despite her quiet protests. "Don't worry," he whispered into her ear, nuzzling his nose into the side of her neck. His voice sounded so full of honey-like warmth that it made her slightly forget why she was mad. It began to make her wonder if he did that as a test to see how she would react. He seemed pleased if that was the case.

"You're the only woman I'll marry, if you let me of course. That box is coming, as long as you’ll forgive me for this one."

He sent her a lazy wink and once again, Seoyun felt the air stop in her throat as she looked deep into his mocha eyes. Eyes that told her she could trust him, that he wasn't teasing this time, that he would love her and only her for a long, long time.

"You promise?" She whispered, feeling a slight pinch of deja vu.

"I promise."

...

Seoyun took cover behind a small tree in their front yard, frantically scooping down with hands shaking from laughter and balling up more snow to throw back in defense. Chanyeol was currently winning their snow fight and that was not going to work for her.

"Try and hide from me all you want, but I’m telling ya’ now that you’re not gonna’ win." His voice echoed over the lawn and she swallowed a shallow giggle as he mistakenly took her for a fool— she was so far from where he was looking, there was no way he’d find her now. There was a monstrous snowball in his hand, but she was prepared, her pockets lined with small, but painful balls of tightly packed snow. She was going to win.

Or so she thought.

“There you are!” He was in front of her then, how did that happen? And that snowball was now inches from creating her demise.

He reared his arm back in anticipated glory, but he was too late. Seoyun was already attacking, his snowball being thrown haphazardly in a direction not even close to her as she catapulted ball after ball into his face. She decided then that this wasn't a game for the weak.

Chanyeol fell to his knees like a prince who knew he had lost, clutching his chest with gloved hands. His nose was red from the cold air, bits of ice blending in with his halo like hair. Seoyun thought he looked glowing among the piles of fluffy snow, his doomed eyebrows turned in and his lips only moments from releasing his battle cry.

"I surrender!" He finished, falling backwards with a silent thud onto the blanket of snow. “Even I am no match for you.”

She glittered in the overwhelming wave of success. "I told you I would win!" She teased, plopping down next to him. "That means you owe me hot chocolate and a back rub when we get back, inside like you promised."

"Yes, my princess." He relented with a sigh.

Seoyun hummed in content, fanning her arms back and forth to make a snow angel next to Chanyeol. He eyed her before following suit, his long arms construing the side of her angel's face.

"Hey..." She sniffed, pushing his arm back down. Her frozen hands were beginning to numb, but his were toasty. She thinks he must have some sort of superpower to stay so warm, but even if she couldn't have the same power, at least she had full access to someone who did.

She scooted closer until she could lay her head on his chest, his arm coming to wrap around her shoulder and twist the long locks of her hair between his fingers. She felt oddly at ease in his embrace, the sky bright above them and the warmth from each other enough to fight away the brisk cold that always accompanies winter.

She didn't know how long they stayed like that, warming in each other's arms before Chanyeol broke the silence, his voice so, so delicate that she almost thought she had imagined it.

"Baby, remember what I asked of you this morning?"

"I'll still watch cartoons with you when we go inside, don't worry."

Chanyeol snorted. "The other one."

Ohh. "Follow along with anything you ask, no matter how weird it may seem?"

Chanyeol hummed in response, his honey eyes boring into hers like a wish needing to be spoken. So gentle, yet so strong.

"What about it?" His heart had begun a thumping rhythm under hers, and nervousness pillowed down around them.

Chanyeol gave her a light squeeze before moving to stand up, pulling her to mirror his actions. She felt her heart struggle to catch up with his, feeling that their emotions were somehow in sync.

"Close your eyes Seo."

Seoyun titled her head to the side, but at seeing the resolved look in his eyes, decided to play along like he asked. She felt Chanyeol take her hand lightly in his and then she felt his lips brush her knuckles every so delicately, like she was something incredibly fragile to him.

"Okay.”

She blinked her eyes open and found herself gazing down to where Chanyeol was kneeling on one knee, his unoccupied hand holding a beautiful diamond ring nestled in a gold satin box. Her heart became a heavy weight in her chest, stopping its beating all together as warmth threatened to spill down her rosy cheeks.

She tore her eyes from the box and rested them upon Chanyeol's loving ones, the strong look reflecting back that he was honest, and that this time, it was real.

"Seoyun," he started, his voice coated in a tremor that was thawing the iced nerves she stood on. "I love you. I think I have since the moment I saw you. It’s more than just that, though. You gave me a purpose, a home, something to look forward to and cherish with everything I have in me.

“This world, it’s huge and you and I are so, so small. But when I stand next to you, it feels like things are a little less hopeless and that maybe, we can find our way through if we simply stay together.”

He gulped, hand enveloping mine like a promise. “So stay with me?”

Seoyun was gasping for air at this point, hot tears rolling down her cheeks and leaving streaks as evidence of her joy. Her chest was aching from the amount of love she was feeling and all of a sudden all she wanted was to be his, forever. Her love and want for him is unlike anything she has or will experience. The love they share was built on broken hearts, tempered to bend and grow stronger and meant to last longer than a lifetime.

"Where else would I be?”  

Identical grins of relief and pure excitement broke through on the both of their faces. He didn't waste a second pulling the ring out of the box and pushing it gently onto her finger. It rested perfectly, a helpful reminder of his promises.

And then she was in his arms, snow flurrying all around them as their backs kissed the ground. She squeezed and squeezed and squeezed until she felt some sort of reassurance that this was real. Chanyeol, though, didn't seem to mind— his grip around her waist equally as strong, like he needed to be reassured just as much as she did.

"Chanyeol," she whispered after a long while, her voice strained from shredded tears. She was sure they looked like little snow people by now, all cuddled up together and covered in the white fluff. "Why now? Why propose now and not years before?"

He hummed underneath her, bringing her even impossibly closer. "I wanted to, I’ve been carrying this ring around for longer than you can imagine, but I wanted to wait."

"Wait for what?"

"I knew that I wanted to be with you and that you did too, even if we hadn’t outrightly discussed it. I needed to wait, though, until I knew that you loved yourself just as much. I didn't want to rush things because what was most important for you these past few years was to realize that you are just as important and lovable with or without me. I'm positive now that regardless of your past, you won't let it define you. You know your worth and you have finally come to love yourself for that.

And that’s all I’ve ever wanted for you.”

Seoyun gulped, biting back another onset of tears as she held him close to her, one heart next to another.

He was right, of course, she was proud of herself and the long way she has climbed to reach this point. The version of Seoyun he met so many years ago would be amazed in ways that are unspeakable. So, all she could say was:

“Thank you.”

She’s safe in his arms, like the whole world could be against her and it wouldn't matter, not as long as they had each other— she knew how he felt. Seoyun knew too that although her past doesn’t define her, it helped mold her into who she is today. The things she chooses to let go, are much paler in comparison to what she intends to hold onto.

Seoyun pulled back and looked at him, really looked at him, taking in the mess of silver locks, the deep pull of mocha eyes swirling with an emotion she could only place as love, the curve of his face leading down to the dimple she loves to kiss, his sweet pink lips.

She felt his hand come up to cup her cheek and she decided that this was how she would live for the rest of her life: safe, warm, and very loved in the arms of Park Chanyeol.

And she was more than okay with that.

thank you for reading

please like and reblog if you enjoyed :)

please remember:

+ do not plagiarize

+ suggestions are open

visit the masterlist

come chat with me

Christmas Eve

Perhaps Seoyun couldn’t explain to anyone exactly why, but she despised being late regardless. To her, being late was like turning all the burners on the stove on to high and walking away; being late is accepting possible disaster.

She didn’t have the mental security to deal with lateness. Even if she was trying.

“Please hurry.” She was pacing again. He looked like he was trying not to drop the soap.

“Seo,” he lightly chuckled like her predicament was somehow endearing, “we won’t be late.”

She glanced at the clock again and wondered if it would eventually wear out from her abundant attention. “We will if you don’t get ready in the next ten minutes and are walking out the door.” She gave him one of those pointed looks, the real distinct one. “Your parents live thirty minutes away and dinner is at six and—” the clock looked like it was glaring at her, but maybe that was her imagination, “— it’s 5:22!”

Chanyeol turned the water off, grabbing the towel that was extended from her hand. His fingers were sinking into his wet locks when she noticed the slight curl to his lips and the growing shine in his chocolate eyes.

She knew what was coming before it even happened, but that didn’t actually stop anything, or rather, it didn’t stop him.

Chanyeol was pouncing on her and landing small kisses all over her head before she could get out that he was going to crush her hair— that didn’t really matter, but at the same time, it did when you couldn't help but worry that people were going to notice and would they ask and what would she say and would they think that she can’t put herself together and what if Chan—

“—Baby?”

Seoyun hadn’t noticed his grip slowly waning and his once playful eyes dulling down to frosted worry. When did everything get so heavy, she thought? When would things change?

His fingers brushed back lines of distress from her forehead and worked what felt like a failed sigh from her lips.

“Sorry,” she breathed out, not wanting to seem like a burden, “I’m fine.”

It wasn’t always easy to tell what he was thinking, but sometimes, like now she would say, she could simply feel it. She could feel it in his calm eyes and that slight head tilt, and the stronghold he has around her as he pulls her against his chest. She could just feel it.

“Tell me what’s wrong, so we can fix it.” He murmured into her hair, his breath soft in the powerful kind of resignation that made it hard not to trust.

“I—” she started, but stopped.

It was hard to explain what was wrong when she didn’t even really understand it herself. Was it that she was worried about being late? Or was it actually something else? She should be thinking more about it and why it impacts her— wait, was that therapy talking? She’s too jumbled to be sure.

“I think it’s just this time of year… it’s not easy for me.” That sounded like a confession.

He hummed, patterns being drawn over her tensed shoulders.

“We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. We can call it a night on the couch, order that good Chinese from down the street. Watch cartoon reruns. I’m easy baby, and whatever makes you happy will make me happy.”

“Easy, huh?” A smirk finds its way onto her face as she involuntarily lands a resonating smack onto what she is now realizing is his bare bottom.

He sucked in his bottom lips with a chuckle, “I set myself up for that one didn’t I?”

“Ugh, huh.”

He didn’t move from around her when he tilted his head, waiting patiently for her real response. “What’s it gonna be, Seoyun?” He was gentle like that.

She couldn’t resist when she tucked her forehead under his chin, just resting there for a second in his embrace.

“Let’s go,” she finalized. “I want to go.”

“Are you sure?”

She was sure, she knew he could tell too. But it was his after thought of wanting to be sure that warmed her up on the inside, that made her fall for him in the first place.

Maybe it was that part of him that she was thankful for the most, the part that just wanted her to be happy.

Simple, really. Yet so hard to find.

“Yeah, Channie, I want to make you happy too.”

…

Seoyun looked down at her heaping plate with an internal sigh. Not only had Mr. Park insisted that she take extra helpings, but Baekhyun had somehow weaseled all of his vegetables onto her plate as well. Almost everyone was done and yet she still had plenty left to go.

Although somewhere deep inside her she knew that there was nothing wrong with that, she couldn't seem to get rid of the feeling that she was committing some terrible crime by possibly making them wait.

She could hear a nagging voice, almost too strongly in her ear, one she had thought she wouldn't hear again. It whispered in words of anxiety and hurt, telling her what she would be able to rationalize as not true if she could just take a breath. The whole morning had been so chaotic and nerve-wracking to Seoyun that she couldn't seem to get a grip when she needed it the most.

Christmas wasn't easy, it was hard to get over the fact that it was a time to spend with family and be thankful for one another. It was even worse when she thought of the fact that not only does she not get to do that now, but that she had been ripped of that right for her whole life.

Seoyun felt herself tensing up, her hands clammy in her lap as she struggled to take a reasoning breath. The claws were setting in again and instead of feeling lost in desperation, she was just left feeling angry. A raw, blood curdling angry. What did she ever do to deserve to feel this way? She never asked to be born into a house where she would never be understood. She didn't want to live a life where she had no control over her emotions and yet, time after time, no matter how strong she gets, a simple plate full of food at a table where everyone else is done is enough to set her over the edge.

It's not fair. It doesn't make any sense. She hates it more than anything else because in the end she knows that the cause of her anguish is only herself.

Those insistent voices telling her that she is a worthless burden are long gone. And even if they were still here, she knows now that it isn't the truth anyway.

But somehow she finds herself like she is now, chest aching, heart racing, tongue twisted, into a hole she isn't sure how she got into in the first place. She doesn't know what's worse anymore, feeling the claws of anxiety or knowing that they are always looming right around the corner.

And then his hand was in her lap and like a sail finally pulled up, the storm wasn’t so capable of knocking her overboard.

She watched through half-lidded eyes as Chanyeol reached over and discreetly exchanged their plates, placing his empty one on her setting and digging into her previous dish. Any other day, and maybe she would have nagged him for being greedy, but as his hand tightened around hers, soothing circles pressing into her palm, she understood.

She felt silly then, maybe even a little ridiculous, but it was hard not to think it when looking around the table. Baekhyun, Chanyeol’s best friend since high school, was talking animatedly about his new teaching job, saying something about how one of his students was basically a piano prodigy, better than me even. And then there was Chanyeol’s parents, their smiles and comments filling the room with a welcomeness that she never got to experience as a child.

The whole atmosphere— it was kind, it was gentle, it was accepting, it was loving. She didn’t have anything to worry about.

Chanyeol’s eyes met hers willingly, though they bore a tinge of worry, and she nodded a sign of ease to say I’m okay now.

Chanyeol leaned over and placed a delicate kiss on the side of her mouth, nuzzling his nose there before retracting his warm touch. Seoyun let out the breath she hadn't realized she had been holding and let him guide her back to shore.

“Seoyun darling,” his mom called, “please tell me you want leftovers, there’s so much left.”

She was right, the food on the table was enormous despite the amount they all ate. Regardless, the comment fell flat against her and she couldn’t help but to smile at the irony.

“Don’t harass my girlfriend,” Chanyeol whined around a mouthful of rice, sending his mother a meaningless glare.

“Girlfriend? Isn’t she more than that by now?” She retorted with a wink in Seoyun’s direction. “I’m expecting grandchildren by next Christmas, you hear me?”

Baekhyun pretended to be grossed out as Chanyeol’s food came spewing from his mouth. Seoyun patted his back, trying to hide her smile.

“Mom, stop.” He groaned.

Chanyeol's mom only chuckled silently before beginning to pick up the mess, including Chanyeol's now discarded plate. Seoyun and Baekhyun stood up to help, taking dishes in and out while carding the leftovers into individual sealed containers to be taken home. Baekhyun, for once, offered to wash the dishes and so Mrs. Park excused herself with a yawn, sending Seoyun a second wink before leaving the room.

Seoyun was just about to go scold Chanyeol for not helping out when she saw his animated silhouette talking with his father on the balcony. They seemed to be in some kind of deep conversation, Chanyeol's hands making wide gestures while his father smiled fondly. The whole exchange made her heart warm, but she did wonder what they could be talking about.

“Ugh, Seo? Anyone in there?” She heard from her left ear, a hand and face popping into view. She shrunk back, peeling her eyes from Chanyeol before sending Baekhyun a look that screamed bro, boundaries.

“You gonna help with these dishes or keep eye fucking Chanyeol from across the room?”

“You may be taller than me, but not by much so I’d watch what I say if I were you.”

He quirked an eyebrow up at her, obviously not threatened at all. “Woah, is this your way of saying that you’re a closet dom, because damn, I could get behind that.”

She reached over and was punching his arm before he could even bask in his own joke. Baekhyun relented with an open mouthed laugh, the one everyone knew him by, and went back to drying the dishes.

“Seriously, though,” he started up again and she glared so quickly he almost dropped the plate, shaking his head at her. “I was about to say thank you. What were you thinking?” He wagged his eyebrows.

She ignored the second half of his statement, “thank you? For what?”

Baekhyun sat the towel down and faced her; his playful demeanor was slowly molding to something more serious, but still soft and sunny like how she imagined him in her head.

“Thanks for taking care of my best friend.”

Seoyun couldn't help herself when she smiled in relief, though she wasn’t sure what she was relieved of. “I’m pretty sure he takes care of me, not the other way around.”

He looked as if he was pondering that for a second before letting a long nah drop from his mouth. “It may seem that way to you, but take you out of the equation and then suddenly there’s nothing left.”

He said it so simply. And yet—

“What do you mean?”

“I mean,” he dragged out, “that he loves you, like a lot.”

She knew that, right? She knows he loves her, but of course, sometimes a reminder is nice.

“Now that, I can’t deny.” Came a voice from behind her. Baekhyun simply smiled that innocent, but not so innocent smile of his and dipped out of the kitchen, leaving her and that voice alone.

“What were you two talking about?” Chanyeol asked, coming into view with a lopsided grin plastered on his face.

“Oh nothing,” she breathed out. “Just about how I haven’t been kissed under the mistletoe yet.”

He hummed, wrapping her in his arms and swaying them softly back and forth. “Well,” he smiled, closer now than ever, “I guess I’ll have to do something about that…”

Yeah, she thought, reminders are nice.

…

Seoyun lets out a loud laugh at Chanyeol's impression of Baekhyun's mortified face during dinner when he saw that the first course was cucumber salad as they enter their home, barely remembering to kick the snow off of their shoes or hang their jackets in the right spot.

Seoyun's heart feels light and happy as she lets Chanyeol lead her upstairs into their room, his hand snug in hers. She realizes that this is a feeling she only seems to be able to experience when she is with him. It feels special, like a treasure they dug up together.

"Thank you for tonight."

He sent her a soft glance as he closed the bedroom door and began to hang his suit jacket. She began fiddling with the buttons on her dress, her gaze down towards the floor. She's never been good with expressing what she means, not with so much constantly running through her train wreck of a mind, but right now she feels like she has to get something off of her chest.

Maybe it was the way Chanyeol had looked at her earlier under the mistletoe, or when he exchanged his plate for hers, but either way, she feels so loved and cared for that it almost hurts. Hurts in the way that she’s expanding, growing, and trying to tell herself that she does deserve it. Chanyeol means everything to her and she is ready for him to know that her love isn't what it once was— that after everything she thinks she is finally accepting that love and giving it back just as equally.

She thinks she knows her worth now, which is saying something.

Comparing how she first felt for him to now would be like setting a candle and a forest fire next to each other, you can't deny either, yet the difference is almost laughable. She wants to be able to tell him that her love is deeper than the first kiss they shared in her stuffy car, the cup of hot chocolate he made when he came home to her shivering under his doorstep as a crying mess, when she spent the night for the first time and he sang her to sleep as she fought off nightmares of screaming parents, when she told him about what really happened to her before she met him.

Each memory shared made her love for him grow deeper and deeper, but something has changed now and she isn't sure if she can contain how she feels any longer. She wants to be with him for a long, long time, she just doesn't know how to express it when they’ve already been together for so long.

“Seoyun?” She hears him call, his voice tender and laced with something so raw that she can’t seem to meet his eyes. “What’s wrong, baby? Why are you crying?”

Seoyun looked up with confused eyes and found Chanyeol's worried ones as he came to her side, his large hand resting on her small cheek. She felt him brush away tears that she didn't know she had shed. She sniffed and let a secretive smile stretch onto her lips.

"I just love you a lot, that's all."

A surprised look fell onto his face and he opened his mouth to respond, but promptly shut it closed again. She knows this is because she rarely ever tells him how she really feels. Partially because she had never said those three words growing up, but also partially because she was afraid. What if her parents were right and she really was unloveable, worthless, not good enough? Would he leave her for someone better and she would have to pick up all of her broken I love you's?

"Say it again." He whispers, the shock now gone from his face and now in place of it were candles flaming to life. Seoyun doesn't mind saying it again because unlike then, she is sure of Chanyeol's love and now she wants him to be sure of hers.

"I love you."

"Again." He persists with a throaty voice, pulling her so close she could only look into his swirling eyes. He rubbed his nose into the skin beside hers, taking in a deep breath that stirred something in her stomach awake.

"I love you so much." She half moaned when his hands trailed slowly down her body, squeezing her in all of the right places to feel his love. The look in his eyes was something stronger now, stronger than the times before, as his lips planted kisses on the side of her open mouth.

She thought then that he must understand.

She felt her hands unbutton his shirt and slip inside to explore his smooth chest. He hanged his head on her shoulder, bringing his lips up to line her neck with fiery kisses.

"Tell me,” he demanded. “Tell me how you love me."

"I love that you always know what I’m thinking, what I need." She gasps out when he sucks on that spot on her neck. "I love that you stay up late just to make sure I don’t have to fall asleep alone. I love that you always tell me you missed me even when I’ve only been gone a few minutes." Chanyeol urges her to continue, his hand coming under the hem of her dress and playing with the waistband of her underwear, making her mouth go dry as she tries to speak.

"I love how you will pretend not to know me in public if I accidentally burp even if you had just done it too.” He pinched her where it counted, a half chuckle falling from his open mouth. “I love how you touch me so softly and carefully like you want me to know just how precious you think I am."

She could feel Chanyeol's fast heart beat as she palms his chest. His breaths have gotten quicker and he was letting out deep groans that were doing something dangerous to her as he moved against her.

"Tell me I'm the only man you'll ever love." He gets out into her skin, nipping lightly at her ear with a sense of desperation as his hands roam greedily around her body. "Tell me that you're happy here in my arms, that you won't ever leave me."

She’s not afraid anymore. She wants all of it.

"Tell me baby, I need to know." He whispers again.

The words catch in her throat as waves of what reads as desperation and an aching need swirls within his aflamed eyes. She can’t bare it any longer.

And then Seoyun was reaching up and smashing their lips together. She wasn't sure what came over her, but it seemed inevitable in the moment that they would kiss.

Chanyeol stood motionless, shocked by her actions, before easily giving in. A deep groan escaped his mouth that she felt down in her stomach as he moved his lips in sync with hers, putting his hand softly on the back of her head to deepen the kiss. He desperately clutched her to him as he traced his lips around hers, as if rediscovering her all over again.

Seoyun has always loved his hair and now that she could run her fingers through it anytime she wished, she buried her hands into it, twirling the locks around her nimble digits. There was no more space between them, but she wanted to be closer, close enough to feel like they were one.

Chanyeol seemed to understand her want, or really, her need. She pulled at his unbuttoned shirt, sliding it off of his shoulders and running her hands hotly over his milky skin. He latched his mouth on the base of her collar, his favorite spot, as his large hands ran up the side of her thighs and settled on her midriff with one gruff word, off.

Seoyun's mind was reeling with desire as she reached down to tug the dress off of her body, not caring any longer if it ended up crumbled or not. Her bones felt like they were breaking from relief as she fell back onto the bed, arms open for him as he followed.

Chanyeol was flush against her, all barriers between them vanishing, her body shivering in want for him. Her ankles became locked behind his, his mouth planting soft, lingering kisses on her exposed torso. His breath warm as it traced all of her skin as if trying to implant her whole self in his mind forever.

"Tell me," he whispered against her lips as he inhaled her greedily. "Tell me what I want to hear and then let me show you how much it means to me."

Seoyun felt over the edge already, her stomach tight in a knot, but his words were close to pushing her over. She wanted him almost more than anything, but she didn't want him to show her, she wanted to be the one showing him.

"You know I love you," she moaned into his rough cheek. "Without you," she confessed. "I don't make any sense."

Her hands ran along his arms and she swore she would leave bruises on his skin. He felt strong, though, and steady above her as he pushed into her like a wave crashing into the ocean.

"You're mine.”

"Always," came his immediate response, his voice like smooth honey as he kissed the back of her hand and fell into her once more.

Seoyun felt like her chest was ripping apart, she loved him so much. Fire was raging up and down her body as she tried to file each gesture into her memory. His hands gentle against her bare legs, the undoing gasp he made into her shoulder from her confession, the way they lost themselves into one another— she would remember it all for a long time.

Seoyun swore she would never forget, for the rest of her life, this moment. The way he called her name like every other word had been lost and the final kiss they shared before he collapsed into her arms, tired but full of one another. He kissed the crown of her damp forehead and she realized that he was home, and always would be. He was big enough to shield her from the nightmares of her past and she was finally enough, more than enough, for someone else.

"You promise?" He asked one last time, his voice soft and fragile-like.

"I promise."

thank you for reading

please like and reblog if you enjoyed :)

please remember:

+ do not plagiarize

+ suggestions are open

visit the masterlist

come chat with me

Thanks for dinner last Sunday… I can’t remember if I said that when I was with you so I thought I would message 1:21 AM

Wow I just realized how late it is, I hope these don’t wake you! 1:22 AM

Give me a call when you feel like it… I am here if you need me 1:24 AM

Sleep well, Haru-ya 1:30 AM

I clung the phone to my chest, a yawn creeping through the small smile that had worked its way onto my lips. I had forgotten that I had saved his name as Sehunnie Oppa~ in my contacts with two hearts following, but it was a pleasant surprise to wake up to, nonetheless. It feels like just yesterday that I had been gifted this phone for my sixteenth birthday; Sehun’s number was the first one to go in— right after my brother, of course.

We used to stay up late messaging one another in a three-way group chat that consisted mostly of me sending outrageous photos of myself that I knew would only be used as collateral damage in the future. I sent them anyway, though, just so I could get equally outrageous photos of the boys back. Never once did they fail in making the next worse than the last, nor at making me laugh until I felt like my head would explode or I might pee myself.

The morning light was peeking in through the soft, white curtains and basking the room in its warm yellow tones. The window across my bed has always faced perfectly to the rising sun, not too bright to be a nuisance, but not too soft that I couldn’t enjoy it. I realized with a pang against my chest that this would most likely be the last time I am able to see it; the last time I can stare at these walls and the small nuances that have grown into the roots of this house.

My height inscribed on the closet door of the pantry, as if he had written it only days ago; the small dent in the living room wall from the one time a Wii Remote was chucked across the room; Haru and Oppa written in permanent marker in the bathroom (I had gotten in quite the trouble for that one); everything that made this house so familiar, so filled with memories, I would be leaving behind.

A big part of me was in-denial that I would allow myself to walk away from what this house offers me— all the memories that are not just mine to remember. The even bigger part of me, however, knows that it’s time to make new memories and I can’t do that if I am being suffocated by that in which lost its heartbeat long ago. I know Sehun was right too, Oppa would want me to be happy and he would want me to do what’s best for me, even if it is hard or uncomfortable in the beginning. In the reverse of feeling, he still gives me strength as if he has been here, guiding me along the whole way.

Sehun too, even if he doesn’t know it yet.

           A week? Is that how long it’s been since I last saw him? Even from the short time he was with me, the warming comfort of his arms seemed to have engrained themselves in my memory. That smile too, was it always so bright? I can’t remember anymore, but those feelings he leaves me with, they haven’t changed.

I miss him.

I clicked my phone on, the time stamp reading 8:49 AM— it’s almost nine. Is that too early to call? My finger hovered over his contact in anticipation and I felt as if I were suddenly blooming petals in a sea of butterflies.

What if he is sleeping still? And if I wake him?  

I shook the nervousness from my mind with a calming breath. He told me to call, so why wouldn’t I? I hit the green dial button and waited as the tone rang quietly in the background, placing the phone delicately to my ear. Two long, infinitely long rings passed and somewhere in the middle of them I had curled under the plush comforter, rising it to cover my mouth as if I was a child embarrassed about calling their cru—

“Hello?”

I snapped up, the comforter floating down around me as I quickly whispered back, “Did I wake you?”

Sehun’s breathing halted for only a moment, a light chuckle gracing my ears as it passed. I found that my shoulders relaxed from the soothing sound. “No good morning Oppa? Not even a simple hello?”

I grumbled on the outside, but a wave of heat attacked the rounds of my cheeks, nonetheless. I played it off the best I could.

“Pshhh, who says that anymore? Just answer the question.”

He seemed content with my answer, an audible snort being heard through the phone. “Haru-ya, sleep alludes me even now…” He hummed like a sigh that spoke of giving up— I understood the notion all too well.

I can almost picture the small smile that would be sitting on the bend of his lips, his hand curled around the edge of the phone. I wonder what he has been doing. “Did you get my texts? It’s been awhile since we messaged last.”

I hummed into the phone, fiddling with a loose string of my blanket that was somehow more interesting than it was a second ago. “I read them when I woke up… You know you don’t have to thank me for that kind of stuff.” Another moment of silence passed, but I could feel his steady presence as he listened, as if he knew I called for more than to say that.

“Sehunnie,” I murmured against a gulp of hesitance, “I signed the lease on the new house. I am moving out this weekend.”

It was with this that his breath hitched, stopping completely for a second, or maybe even two, before finally going back to normal. And when he spoke, his voice became somewhat gravely, like perhaps he had been sleeping and was just hiding it up to this point. The thought dipped me in a honey-like feeling of sweetness.

“And you’re alright?”

The question was simple, the answer though? I’m still trying to figure it out myself. “Maybe. I know that it will be hard to leave, but I feel ready, I think.” I settled on what felt safe, what I knew he could understand. “I just have to worry about packing all of this stuff up now. And in two days at that.” My voice filled with slight humor and a short chuckle fell from my lips, but when he didn’t laugh too, I knew he had seen through me.

“You’re packing by yourself?” He questioned, dropping the heavy questions I knew he itched to ask; I was grateful, for I didn’t know how much of that I could handle before deciding it wasn’t worth it. “That seems like a lot to take on with just you.”

“Girls can get things done too, you know.” I grumbled into the phone as a desperate distraction, my eyes burning from the softness of his voice and the pressure of trying to always hold everything in. “It won’t be too hard, just might take me a few more days that a manly tree hauling guy like you.”

Sehun snorted, again, and for a second, it sounded so relieved that whatever tension that had been slowly encroaching into us was banished just as easily as it was formed. “Yah, you know I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Do I?” I teased, pretending not to let on— in which he let out a small groan that I could practically feel in my own chest. I had to hold in indulging giggle from spilling out through the phone. “Go on, repent your sins. Did getting a degree make you feel superior to women?”

Sehun’s groan was even louder this time. “Right, because getting a degree in basically trees makes me feel so confident.”

“Oh wow, so what you’re saying is that Environmental Science isn’t manly enough for you now?”

“Forget it, I’m hanging up.”

“Have a good day Oppa~” I teased, catching the tail end of playfully frustrated chuckles. Then the line went quiet and I was alone once more. The room, though, felt somehow lighter than it did before, as if the house had absorbed some of our laughter and distributed it throughout the space.

I fell back onto the bed and took in the curves of the ceiling, the peaceful silence of the empty rooms, and all of the memories that lived in it. Then I breathed it out.

It’s time.

…

“Finished!” I exclaimed in satisfaction, wrapping the box up tightly and moving it to the side. Five hours later and I have finished… just the kitchen? An exasperated groan escaped my mouth as I took in the whole house that was completely and utterly, untouched.

I slumped against the cooled material of the kitchen counter and rested my eyes shut. A part of me knew that I was only dragging my feet because the kitchen was the only space that wasn’t a danger. In here, it was filled with me. The pots and pans were ones I had bought. The pantry was food that suited my taste. The dishes were only ones I had eaten out of.

The rest of the house, though, was ridden with him— maybe even more so than me. His blanket lay untouched on the back of the couch as a lingering scent. His favorite book was resting, eyes closed, on the coffee table half unread where he had decided to start it once more. The walls formed a skin of pictures he had taken, and he had hung up.

He was everywhere I turned, buried in this house as a sunken display of time’s cruel expression. I was nothing more than encroaching in a mausoleum that was once breathing and ours, rather than mine or his. Uprooting myself, felt like uprooting him.

“Are you sure you’re okay with this?” I waited.

It was then that the doorbell rang.

I jumped what felt like three feet in the air out of pure surprise, a gush of goosebumps raising the delicate hairs on my arms and neck to a standstill.

“Okay,” I muttered. “I hear you.”

I took a calming breath and collected my shaking fingers as I made my way over to the front door, squeezing through a few boxes on the way. The curtains were cool against my touch, and as I pulled them back, four familiar faces greeted me as if time itself had restarted.

My head, or maybe that was my heart, felt as if it were spinning in excitement, my hands not fast enough to open the latches and throw the thin barrier open between us. And then the door was open, and I was jumping into the gentle embrace of the closest boy towards me.  

“Yixing!” A shocked exclamation spewed from my mouth as he caught me mid Surprise! Strong arms twirled me around like a cashed-in year old hug and something in me felt like I was ten again and being doted on by my brother’s older, handsome friends.

“Your reaction was priceless!” He chuckled with that endearing dimpled smile, setting me down and immediately coming to cup my face between his big palms. “Haru-ya, it’s been too long. When did you get so cute?”

A flurry of emotions ran through me and I felt tears threatening to spill over. “Every time you looked away,” I joked, my voice thick as a single tear fell down my face.

Yixing sent me a small, sympathetic smile, but before he could respond, a playful gasp was heard from behind him and he was suddenly pushed aside. Minseok’s widened, panicking eyes filled my vision as he wiped my tear away, pulling me into his chest with protective arms.

“Oppa,” the tears didn’t seem to stop, even when I willed them too. Minseok still smelled like brewed coffee beans and his usually wispy black hair was freshly cut.

“I missed you too, pumpkin.” He kept me close, his hands soothing against my back. “You can be mad at Oppa for not visiting, but you can’t cry. Your brother would kill us if he knew we made you cry.”

I pulled back, nodding slightly as he brushed my tears away. “I am mad at you,” I huffed like he was the best remedy for a poor sight, his sly lips curling on the ends as he took in my best attempt to be cute.

I shook my head and pushed him aside, feeling like my composure was somehow sliding back in place. That was until I took in the steady gaze of Kyungsoo. His head was turned slightly to the side and the most calming smile was titling his lips up on the corners. My eyes started to water again, and his already round ones became even more rounded.

“No,” he half-threatened. “I’ll walk away right now and not come back for another year if you start again.”

I straightened right away, saluting him as if he were my captain. He let out an endearing grunt before his guard fell away, taking a step forward to wrap me in a hug that was as equally as tight and protective as the two before him.

I eyed Sehun standing shortly behind us, his stormy eyes gazing at the four of us before landing quietly on me. I mouthed a messy thank you, a swell of appreciation filling my heart as he merely shrugged his shoulders before looking down at his feet.

“I can’t believe you are all here,” I gaped, gazing between the four boys, men really, who I had always looked up to. It’s been a year since I have seen all of their faces, and even then, it wasn’t a day that I wanted to remember clearly. The feelings, rather, was what stayed.

“Well,” Minseok quirked his eyebrow at Sehun, “someone practically begged us to come over. And how could I refuse a visit to see you?” A small smirk took over his face as we filed through the front door. I pretended to gag, turning my nose up at him. The boys broke out into a hearty laughter and before Minseok could defend himself, Yixing was smacking his back with a resonating pop.

“The best part is that we bought pizza and plenty of boxes!” Yixing gushed. “Oh, and beer too!”

Sehun lugged all of the food and drinks he bought onto the kitchen counter and the boys instantly dug in as if they were in their own home, which in a way, is true considering how much time they spent here with Sehun and Oppa growing up. A pang went through my heart as I watched them laughing casually and kidding around with one another like they always had.

A space was missing, an important puzzle piece to the picture of five that had been reduced down to a portrait of four, but they managed. Somehow, it seemed that they had all consumed a little of him inside of themselves.

I could see his look of quiet, but kidding, judgement for all of the stupid remarks they would make blooming into Kyungsoo’s eyes. His bright smile and goofy, overly loud laugh morphing into Yixing’s own. His snarky remarks and mischievous antics bubbling out of Minseok. And then in Sehun, it seemed that they had always been one in the same. But when Sehun looks at me, sometimes it feels like he was gifted all the love my brother had, to keep for himself in his heart. Together, I could feel him alive again, living alongside them and laughing like he had never left us.

At some point, Yixing had turned music on and the house filled with their singing and the upbeat pop that seemed to fit their personalities so well. Without a word to me, they started to put boxes together and pack up the things I was not strong enough to.

I watched his name get written on a few boxes by Kyungsoo, everyone stopping briefly to glance before Yixing made some silly joke and then the blanket was folded neatly in there, along with the book and his other items I had failed to put up. With every box they closed tightly shut and placed by the door, the house seemed to sigh in relief.

The air was clearer, and the music was brighter.

The day had somehow escaped us, and all the beer magically disappeared, but we worked hard enough to actually pack everything up into neat boxes in the living room. All except for one room.

Kyungsoo sighed. His face, like everyone else, was flowered red and puffy from the beer. We had been messing around for some time, dancing to the music and reheating cold pizza as if we had finished the job. I think we all knew what we were doing, but it seemed like Kyungsoo was the only one with enough courage to say it.

“We do have to go in there at some point.”

Yixing looked down at his feet, clearing his throat. Minseok too, who was casually hugging me from behind and getting dirty looks from Sehun, pulled me a little closer to him. I knew that it couldn’t be avoided; I didn’t want to avoid it. But there was something unspeakable, a wall of silence, per say, that stood like a translucent barrier of water around his door. That space, for so many reasons, was something I cut myself off to a long time ago to soften the blow of his absence. I could handle the nuances of the house, but his room, that was a different kind of weight that sunk into your skin and pulled the air from your lungs.

Sehun’s stormy gaze fell upon me with a shade of tender grey— his way of asking a question. I nodded silently and then he was opening the door and the barrier was washing away. All of us stood a little taller and the music disappeared from the background as we slowly made our way inside.

It was just as I remembered it, untouched and so, so filled with him. The bed wasn’t made, and the closet was open with a fresh pair of clothes sitting on the edge of his desk as if he was planning on changing into them the next morning.

I felt stuck in place, my body numb as I stared at the bed in trepidation. It was deadly silent then, and even when Yixing sniffed, reaching up to brush his face, I paid no attention. There seemed to be a valley between where I stood and the spot where he last rested, the space growing with every second we stood. My ears were ringing, and my chest was burning right down the center, and I no longer felt that I was breathing or that I even needed to.

Why?

Why did you have to go?

Where did you go?

Where things too hard?

The void I had been staring into became filled then and warm hands enveloped my frozen ones in their own. Sehun. Sehun radiated a yellow orange that penetrated the overbearing black, his bright dawn blotting out what had become blurry and guided me back into focus.

I peeled my eyes from the bed as if they had been stuck to a string of tacky glue, to finally land them on those brooding eyes of his. They drew me in and breathed me out.

“We can do this,” he whispered like a promise, his hand rubbing soothing circles on the back of my hand. “Remember, one day at a time, like you said.

“Just tell me what to do, and well do it together.”

I swallowed it all down and found myself at the top, nodding, nodding to all four of them which had been waiting for my approval. I stepped aside and watched as one by one they entered on their own and swallowed it down too.

Kyungsoo let out a long sigh that had everyone looking at him. He seemed to be doing that quite often today. I tilted my head in question.

“You know…” he started around a small, slowly building heart-shaped smile and nostalgic, wandering eyes. “He would think we are being so stupid right now.”

Yixing picked up Oppa’s guitar and brushed the thin layer of dust that had settled on its strings. “You’re right,” he added. “He would probably say something to the extent of you dumbasses are really going to hesitantly walk in here when every other time you would barge in and fuck everything up!?” He impersonated, his hands going around in circles just like he used to do.

His remark cut the tension in half and all of us let out small chuckles of our own. “You guys really did used to fuck everything up,” I remarked, leaning against the door frame with a shake to my head.

Minseok’s lips thinned as he tried to stop himself from laughing. “Remember when we broke his bed on accident?”

“First of all, there was no ‘we’ in that and secondly, on accident?” Kyungsoo asked in exasperation. “If I recall correctly, which I am positive I am, you were the one who said, ‘I wonder how mad he would get if we broke his bed,’ and then proceeded to catapult yourself onto his already creaky bed until it literally broke in the middle.”

“Look—” Minseok started with that don’t disrespect your Hyung voice, “you can’t talk to me like that.”

Kyungsoo snorted and somehow, we all ended up evolved in laughter. The amusement rang through us and coated the walls in orange and yellow. Maybe we were only laughing to fill the gaping hole, or maybe we truly were happy. Happy to be in here, happy to breath in here after so long.

The boys began packing up the individual things they wanted to hold on to. I let Yixing, who would always come over and make up random songs with Oppa, take his guitar and collection of vintage albums home.

I let Minseok, who Oppa always called to ask what book to read next, sift through his over spilling collection for the ones he always secretly wanted.

I let Kyungsoo, who never failed to buy Oppa a journal so he could figure out his crazy ass mind, take them all back home to read through, or simply have— even the ones that were mere doodles and torn up grocery lists.

I didn’t ask Sehun what he wanted, though. I knew that would be too hard of a question, for I knew he wanted everything, anything, to hold onto. Instead, I squeezed his hand and we entered the room together. We gravitated apart, but that was only natural.

For the next few hours, we cleared his room into five piles. What was left, I had to let go of.

At some point, Kyungsoo had changed into one of Oppa’s old t-shirts and Yixing had passed out on his bed, his mouth gaping open in a picturesque look. Everyone was yawning and on the brink of exhaustion, but we had gotten it done and that was a feat in of itself.

We helped move their boxes into Minseok’s car before Kyungsoo hauled a half asleep and definitely unhelping Yixing into the car, only waking slightly to promise that he would come over when I set my new house up.

“Thanks for everything, I suppose.”

I breathed out into the cool sky, smiling lightly at Minseok and Kyungsoo as they leaned against the car. “You have to visit me every once in a while, okay? No more of this prolonged exile.”

Soo nodded in agreement, pulling me in for a tight hug that was mixed in the comfort of his own presence, but also my brothers. I squeezed him tightly before muttering a lingering goodbye and watching him get in the car.

“Minseokie Oppa,” I whined, not wanting him to leave. He was the only person who could make me act so childish, but sometimes I was thankful for that and I think he was too.

“Aw pumpkin, I know.” He embraced me in his arms, patting my messy hair down. “Oppa loves you and if you ever need anything, you know I am only a phone call away. Although,” he quirked his eyes behind me as he pulled back to whisper in my ear, “I think you’re in good hands.”

He gave me a quick peck on the forehead before stepping into the car.

I somehow ended up leaning against Sehun’s chest as we waved goodbye to the trio, my frame fitting perfectly in his. It wasn’t until they were completely out of sight that we slowly made our way back inside.

We fell down onto the couch in a huff, looking around at the emptied, unrecognizable space before coming to rest our eyes upon one another. Our heads were barely apart and although I felt only moments from falling into what I hoped would be a pleasant dream, those stormy eyes almost willed me to stay just as we are, gazing, truly looking.  

“Thank you,” I murmured, coming a little closer to his warmth. “Thank you for everything.”

“You don’t have to thank me for these things,” he repeated my line from this morning, an upward bend gracing his lips. His hand came up and pushed a lock of hair from my cheek, twisting it lightly around his finger before tucking it away. “I’m here for you, just like I know you are for me. So, when you need help, or you just want someone to talk to, come to me.”

“Only if you come to me too.” I set my stare straight and he took a long breath through his nose, his eyes falling for a second before coming back to mine in a lingering gaze. He always seemed to convey so much in those eyes. He’s not so strong on the inside, I know that even if he wishes I didn’t, but when he looks at me with that light grey of vulnerability, I swear I melt out and into him.

His eyes speak, even when he won’t.

My body moved before I did, naturally pulling him into me as if we had always meant for things to be this way, for it to feel this way with one another. His head sunk into my shoulder and my arms went around his torso, binding us together like satin and silk. I imagine that he was tired of pretending to be okay when his heartbeat slowed to reach the pace of mine, as if conscious that we shared even the deepest of locked away secrets.

I shut my eyes and rested against him until nothing else existed. Not the house, or our friends, not even our bodies, maybe not even our minds. We simply existed, heartbeat and heartbeat.

That was enough.

It felt like a lifetime had passed when I was lifted lightly into his arms and carried away. He set me in the plush bed and brushed a delicate kiss against my forehead. Half asleep, I grabbed his slim fingers in mine.

“Stay.”

And then he was holding me once more, shaping me like molten shatters of the sky to fit into the dawn of his side.

“Always.”

thank you for reading

please like and reblog if you enjoyed :)

please remember:

+ do not plagiarize

+ suggestions are open

visit the masterlist

come chat with me

A Week Before Christmas Day

Seoyun despises the mere act of a ‘good-bye.’ To her, it means walking away from what she has come to love— even if she knows she will eventually say ‘hello’ again. It’s simply the thought of the in-between that drives her nearly mad.

Despite that though, she finds a chuckle escaping her lips and a final wave coming from her raised hand to bid her best friend (who was currently leaning half-way out of her red Toyota to blow her an airy kiss and yell out a heartfelt call me tomorrow!) one of those good-bye’s. She watches her pull away from her driveway and waits for the resonating pang of loneliness to strike in her chest— she always seems to experience this when the two separate. Yet, Seoyun is shocked still when the ingrained claws of anxiety in fact never come. Some feelings are hard to stop remembering, she thinks, taking a grounding breath.

It feels silly, pathetic almost, that she could somehow be caught by the immense sensation of what the past once was, and yet, not by the past itself. The process of healing and the passage of time are ironic twins, you can struggle and struggle to do things your way, but nothing erases quite as well as time. Though, being around her best friend is like tripping the electrical switch of suppressed memories, forcing her right back to when they spent most of their time together— she can still feel the echoes of panicked ‘good-byes’ and reluctant glances. It was a time that left Seoyun achy from overthinking and bruised from words that never should have left the mouths of those she thought she could trust.

Seoyun once was made to recite that the wise believe that forgiving does not mean forgetting, but she doesn’t want to hold on anymore,forgiving and not forgetting is a cruel expression and she would give anything at this point to forget. Of course, though, that therapist also believed in sunbathing for depression relief and taking a nap when faced with anxiety. If she could sunbath to rid herself of degrading thoughts, Seoyun thinks she would be “cured” years ago. Either way, she’s learned to move on, because unlike then, when she was living in the pain of her memory, she has a future now and it happens to be one barren of good-bye’s.

She slips out a sigh in mild defeat of the uphill she still has to climb, but lets a secret smile find home on her face because regardless, she's been climbing for a while and that in itself is enough for her. She takes in the view of her forever home: the painted mailbox dripping with snow, the messy strings of lights basking the windows in the perfect kind of home-y warmth, his collection of mismatched bird houses hanging delicately from the trees— she decides to fill her mind with memories of this instead. It wasn't the biggest home in the world, nor was it magazine fancy, but it was comfortable in the best way and maybe more importantly, Seoyun didn't have to share it alone— mentally or physically.

A small window sits amongst the bricked wall, giving a beautiful view of the fading sun to the inside inhabitants, and to her, a view she imagines she’ll never tire of. He seemed to be looking for something, his hands perched on his wide hips and his head tilted into a slightly confused grimace. She thought he looked the best like this, unworried and unknowing of her watching eyes. He ran a hand through his thick silver hair, making the tendrils stick up in a mop-like configuration that had her hands tingling to fix it. His gaze moved through the kitchen and languidly out the window, finally coming to land on her.

Seoyun watched with a content beat to her heart as his eyes lit up in surprise, his hand falling from his hair and his mouth ajarring just enough for her to want to tease him. After a moment, his lips began to tug up into a brilliant smile— the one that seemed contagious and would soon transfer to her own lips if she wasn’t careful, which she never was with him.

He beckoned her towards the house, but Seoyun stood for a few more moments. She has a list of lessons to mind that she and Chanyeol came up with in the years they have been together. Admire the little and big things. This seemed like a big thing.

Seoyun made her way towards the house after she was satisfied, finding the door handle already unlocked for her. She unraveled her thick wool scarf (actually it was his that she stole from his side of the closet this morning) and hung her jacket onto the rack beside the door. She thought the house smelled divine, like sweet vanilla and rich milk chocolate.

“Seo…” His voice echoed through the kitchen and bounced around in her mind. His voice always reminded her of the crackling of a fire, or a warmth that was uniquely his. Her feet made the decision to follow this warmth without first checking in with her— not that she would have denied such a request. “Do you know where I last put the key to the shed? I’m pretty sure the decorations are in there, but I can’t seem to remember where we placed it last.”

Seoyun could hear the casual pout in his voice before she even turned the corner and took in his furrowed eyebrows as he rummaged the junk drawers next to the sink. The kitchen was a mess, storage baskets littered amongst the counter and random keys set out as if he had tried them all without success. She successfully hid her increasingly amused chuckle behind the soft material of her sweater, remembering their latest bickering about how he loses everything and him retorting that he only puts them in a safe spot, a too safe spot.  

He turned in question, his eyes turning to silvers at finding her infamous I told you so face fully on display for him to bake in. Seoyun thinks their relationship is framed around him getting into some kind of predicament and her having to come in and save the day, but then again, she also feels that he is the best at saving her. Once, there might have been a time she would not dare laugh at his downfalls— big or small, serious or joking— but there’s this certain kind of safety he radiates around her, even when he’s angry and frustrated with her, that she understands is his special way of saying that he cares. She thinks that no one else wears the look of comfort better than him.

“What?” He asked, an air of playfulness alighting in his eyes as he gradually let go of his irritation. He slowly reached out and pushed the drawer closed, a hand perching on his hip. “Ohh,” he dragged out in her silence, “you think this is funny, huh? Clumsy boyfriend, always losing everything.”

She nodded her head easily, and as his tongue poked through the soft side of his cheek, she knew she was about to get it. This didn’t stop her from egging him on however. “Clumsy boyfriend, not good for anything.”

He shook his head and her eyes grew as she followed his calculated footsteps towards her. She sucked in her breath as his large grip rounded her waist and ever so delicately backed her into the front of the refrigerator. His other hands came up to cup her cheek, the back of his thumb rubbing a soothing pattern on her velvety skin.

She could feel through his touch how patient he was, how each finger held an infinite amount of love for her. He liked to show himself like that, she knew. He liked to wrap her in his affection and tuck her away into the better things of life. Maybe it was this that made her give in so easily to him; he wanted her love almost as badly as she needed it— even if she didn’t know that at first.

“I’m good for this, aren’t I?” He teased, his eyes flickering down to her already parted lips with an endearing gaze.

Something bubbled up in need at his statement, need for him to be closer, need for her to keep him by her side, but she also wanted to savor this moment. “I told you that you’d forget where the keys are,” she said in an effort to ignore his previous statement. Though, his lips were beginning to distract her as they tugged up on the corners, coming impossibly close in collision to her own.

A deep chuckle emerged from his chest that she could feel radiating through him and into her, his laugh was simply like that. “What am I going to do about you always calling me out?” He mumbled more to himself than her, his eyes flickering down like baby candles to her already slightly parted lips. Seoyun simply hummed in defeat, giving in to her wants to tease him. She felt as her head tilted up in response towards him, her heels beginning to slowly inch so the two of them may finally meet— like two stars shooting together.

She held her breath as his lips finally molded against hers, and although it had only been a few hours since they last shared an embrace as such, it felt as if she had waited centuries. Chanyeol too, must have felt the same longing as her, his head turning down to deepen the kiss and his tongue jotting out to run effortlessly against her own.

They leaned in together, savoring one another in a manner she thought was only unique to them. He tasted of sweetened candy and a raw type of enticement that she has come to associate as purely Chanyeol. He let out a restrained noise of approval as her hands traced up his firm back and latched onto his neck, her roaming fingers tugging softly on the ends of his tangled locks.

She’s realized that no matter how many times she’s kissed him, or how long ago it’s been, each time is like a new shock of surprise, sending tingles of warmth through her body and reminding her how much she longs for him when away from his gentle, lingering touches. To her, Chanyeol was a sweet addiction, one she was sure boosted her health like that of a vitamin; once she had her first taste of what it felt like to be wanted, trusted, loved, she made sure to take her daily dose.

He pulled back from the kiss, his now swollen lips hovering in the almost non-existent space between hers, his breath fanning lightly against her nose. She gulped and leaned forward to brush another lasting peck on his lips, not yet willing to let him free. Seoyun felt him smile into the kiss at her actions, still not use to how much bolder she has gotten through the years. The mouse haven grown into the cat.

"I missed you," he whispers after she broke away, his nose rubbing against hers in a loving manner. "You were gone for so long today."

She internally snorted at his clinginess, pushing him lightly back despite her fluttering heart wanting him near, just so she could give him a pointed look. He didn’t approve of her friend, she parties too much Seoyun, hangs out with the wrong people, and it was showing in his voice and eyes. She’s the only consistent friend Seoyun’s ever had though, she’s family more than anything.

“You’re going to have to get over missing me every once in a while,” she retorted.

“Never.”

“And when you go on day trips with the boys? What do I do then?”

He stopped short, his head tilting lightly, “You tell us to have a good time.”

“Exactly.”

“Ah babe,” he quickly said as he fell deeper into her trap, “it’s different with the boys, though.”

“You keep saying that and find out what happens.”

He huffed, throwing her his scrunched nose I should be winning this look. She loved that look. “Regardless, it was a long time. I didn’t even see you this morning. I wanted to make pancakes.”

“And?”

“And?” He mimicked in a ‘girly voice’ that he has deemed to sound exactly like hers.

Seoyun let out a disbelieving laugh at his no-nonsense face, showing that he really doesn't care how long she was gone, it was always going to be too long. Although she would never give him the pleasure of admitting his affect on her, she felt the same way about him after barely being apart for the five years they have been dating. To Seoyun, Chanyeol is home, somewhere she didn't have to act like anyone else or smile just out of forced habit. Chanyeol took her heart for his and made it feel welcomed and safe.

She reached out and pinched him before he could say anymore, deciding to ignore his indignant yelp and instead, reach for the key that was so perfectly resting behind her. Seoyun turned around in Chanyeol's loose embrace and stretched her fingers over the top of the refrigerator until they closed on a small and cold object. Lowering her hand, she presented the key to Chanyeol with a teasing smile playing on her curling lips. He lets a loud groan out from the sight, his large hand clasping around her smaller one as his shoulders deflated from her playful giggles.

"I would have eventually found it..." He defends, purposely giving Seoyun that pouty look he knows will melt her insides.

"Uh, huh" She crinkles her nose at his antics for what feels like the tenth time this night, bumping her hip with his as the two of them walked from the kitchen, hand in hand.

Seoyun helped Chanyeol bring the Christmas decorations in, the four tubs lining the living room next to the big tree they bought yesterday evening at the city's Christmas Celebration. They’d been coming ever since they met six years ago, as a nod to whatever forces were smiling down on them that day. The past was present and fleshy to her then— Chanyeol, though, never seemed to mind her anxious actions. He was good like that, pushing her in the right direction with just enough pressure to make her realize her own potential. She feels that the tree and this time in general, helps her keep that in mind.

She stood with her hands on her hips, catching her breath as she looked up at the massive height of this tree. Seoyun felt Chanyeol come back to her side, his hand trailing to wrap around her small waist. "I can't believe you talked me into getting this tree..." She mumbled into his shoulder. "How are we even going to get the star on the top?"

Chanyeol's deep chuckle rumbled through her side. "Well, obviously you are too short to do it, but I, on the other hand, can easily reach the top." She turned out of his embrace at hearing his sly tone, taking notice of the few feet difference between Chanyeol's height compared to the tallness of the tree.

His in character sarcasm was bleeding through his loose grin and also per-normal, she had no response but to shake her head. She was, however, getting better at his game.

"Okay, Mr. Giant," she teased. "The star is all your job then— make it perfect or suffer the consequences!"

Chanyeol gave her a mock salute as she moved away, "Yes Ma'am!"

She moved to grab the box of decorations, eyeballing the variations of ornaments the two of them have collected together with a starry gaze. There was the shiny, store bought trinkets, ranging from glass cylinders to mini characters from the movie Zootopia (Chanyeol's pick, not hers). Then there were more special ones, like the one his mom sent them on their first anniversary, a snowflake with their names on it. Or the handmade heart displaying a picture of Chanyeol's best friend, Baekhyun, given by Baekhyun to them last Christmas— Seoyun could only describe him as a special person. Her favorite ornament, though, was the one Chanyeol and her made two Christmas years ago at her work's annual holiday party. It was a simple clear ball, but the two of them had taken turns writing their favorite memory with one another on opposite sides.

Chanyeol had written something incredibly cheesy like every moment with you is my favorite moment and she still smiles now when she sees it. Seoyun never stopped being amazed at all the small devotions of their relationship that they had managed to collect from their years together. He spoiled her with things her parents told her she wasn't worth enough to have. It was a stark reminder to her most of the time, but now, it just made her content and thankful to have someone who didn't mind reassuring her that words only hold meaning if you let them.

Chanyeol and her began hanging the decorations on the tree and around the house diligently, Chanyeol wrapping the lights and Seoyun setting out the countdown calendar like usual. By the time two hours had passed, the house was fully decked out in holiday gear. The wreath had been placed, the elves were on the shelves, candy canes littered the bowls on every table, cinnamon sticks and scented pine cones were filling the air with their holiday smell, and the tree was fully decorated— well, all except for the star.

Chanyeol fumbled with the brass star in his palms, looking between it and the tree with a scornful look. She busied herself with tidying up his work on the tree (he always seems to place all of his favorite ornaments on one side of the tree so he could easily see them, totally not caring how much this messes up the aesthetic balance she strives to create.)

"Ah ha!" Chanyeol exclaimed, making Seoyun jump in her spot. Before she could ask anything though, he was grabbing her by the hand while bouncing up and down on his heels.

"Okay so here is how we are going to do this," he starts, giving her a super serious look that she could only meet with furrowed eyebrows as she took in the large star.

“The plan goes as follows: first we are going to—”

She cut him off, placing her hand against his lips. “We?” She raised her eyebrows to further her point, to which he mirrored with what she could only describe as a mockingly annoyed look. “I thought I was too short to help with the star.”

Chanyeol's eyes faded to a sheepish smile around her fingers before she slowly dropped them. He pleads her name softly under his breath, so she would have to lean in to hear him. "You know I didn't mean it." He whispers, his lips coming together to form a cute pout and his eyes turning into that big puppy dog stare. "Please help out your poor Channie, please." He bats his eyelashes for extra support.

She pretended to fake gag, though really she knew she couldn’t hold out against that look and feared her insides turning to mush. “You’re gross.” She settled on saying, letting a drawn-out sigh escape her lips. Chanyeol beamed, bouncing down on his toes to scoop her up into a too tight hug. His lips left a trail of mushy kisses against her cheek that made her fidget in his grip, an 18+ warning leaving her tongue and causing him to promptly set her down.

"Okay, okay," Chanyeol started again, pulling her over to the Christmas tree. "You hop on my shoulders and I'll keep you steady as you put the star on top."

"What!?" Seoyun half yells, giving Chanyeol a look that screams that he must be out of his mind.

"What?" He repeats, seeing nothing wrong with the situation. "I won't let you fall, I promise." He quickly adds at seeing her unrelenting face. "You know I would never let you fall— unless it's for me, then fall all you want."

She hit Chanyeol in the chest as he let out a loud laugh, rubbing the place she hit him with a wince like she actually hurt him, even though they both know she didn't. He gives her an endearing look as she begins to contemplate his plan. She did trust Chanyeol not to let her fall and the only other option was to climb a chair which seemed like even more of a risk. Seoyun felt her eyebrows begin to come together in the middle as she sighed in defeat— hoping that her choice would come out to be the lesser of two evils.

"Fine," she jabbed a finger in his chest, which he caught between his and brought up to land a quick kiss on. "But you'll pay if you drop me."

Chanyeol easily agreed to her terms and before she could even think about changing her mind, he was hoisting her up like a weightless doll onto his shoulders, his hands coming to rest comfortingly around her thighs. She straightened out, gaining her wobbly balance before reaching out towards the tree with the star. Seoyun easily placed it on top with a smile, admiring the tree from the tall view. It was ever so slightly lopsided and despite her rearranging, the ornaments were a little all over the place. But that was okay, because it was cute and homey. Mostly, though, she and Chanyeol had made it together, so that alone made it worth it.

"Okay," She seemed to whisper, her hands going down to brush through the messy mop of hair on his forehead. "I am ready to be put down now Channie." Seoyun claimed, looking down at him underneath her.

"I don't know," he muttered with a distant look in his eyes, one she almost could recognize as trouble. "I think I am starting to get used to this view." Chanyeol swiftly turned his head and buried his face on the inside of her bare thigh, making Seoyun's eyes shoot open.

"Park Chanyeol!"

thank you for reading

please like and reblog if you enjoyed :)

please remember:

+ do not plagiarize

+ suggestions are open

visit the masterlist

come chat with me