Ehhh…. Art?

I don’t know why I post this lol, it’s not like anyone reads this stuff here 😂 but I feel like I have to say it. Somewhere where people will maybe understand. Or have the same struggle. I know it’s actually not that uncommon to be so exhausted by these tasks. Really, social anxiety is such a bitch. Like I don’t even have problems with normal social interaction, it just comes up with carrier and academia and paralyzes me with fear out of the blue. Thanks dad. You gave me so many tools for life! To fail at all the basic tasks! While constantly feeling like crying and puking for months. So cool. Raised me really good yes yes I’m so well behaved (paralyzed by fear).

Sorry for the rant I’m just so sad and angry that I can’t seem to get a hold of my life. I just want to have a stable life consisting of a small flat, a job and some friends. Why is it so hard for me? Like I want to work at that one hospital lab but I’m soooo scared of the job interview? And I am scared that they will call instead of mail and I’ll be stupid on the phone because if someone calls me who is authority I suddenly forget how talking works.

And I tell myself, and I KNOW, it doenst really matter? I’m gonna fail the first few interviews anyway. And I don’t care, I’ll learn, and get better at it. This is what my brain thinks. Because in reality, after whatever event I f up, I usually don’t really care for longer than a day. I tell people, laugh at myself, done. And yet, beforehand, I need to panick for weeks and months. Whyyyyy. It’s just not fair I want this to be gone! I swear, I’m sooo competent and hard working and all that. I just f up small talk. God, why is this irrelevant shit always the most important thing for them. Like ohhh tHe FiRsT iMprEsSiOn! sELL yOuRSeLf! SaY tHe RiGhT ThiNgS! ??? Fu! I can’t even say the right things to the cashier when I buy groceries (although here I don’t have a care in the world) but how am I supposed to manage it in such an important situation!!!

Ah sorry again. Rant.