Do any other Dominants take their bad moods out on their subs? Even when it’s not her? Is it common for them to get the brunt of it when it seems that you can’t send it anyone else’s way but she will kneel and take it? How do you break this habit and make her not feel as though she’s the only one who gets the windfall of it?
I need you to pay attention, because this one is important. Fair warning: it’s going to seem like I’m coming down on you. That is not my intent. I am responding to this with the understanding that you are trying to better yourself and to grow as a dominant, otherwise you wouldn’t be asking the question.
No, it is absolutely not normal, nor acceptable, for a dominant to take their bad moods out on their submissives. Not even a little bit.
I have said before and I will say again that before you can dom anyone else, you have to dom yourself. Self-control is literally the first ingredient that a dominant needs to possess. If you have to “take your bad moods” out on people, you are not in control of yourself. If you are yelling at, or insulting, or striking your submissive because you are in a bad mood and you know she will just, as you said, “kneel and take it”, you are abusing her.
Do you understand me? You. Are. Abusing. Her.
I’m telling you this very bluntly because most abusive people do not understand that their behavior is abusive. And I don’t think you want to be abusive. I think you want help.
None of us are at our best all the time. We all have bad days, bad weeks, bad months, bad years. It happens. We cannot avoid that, but what we can control is the way we react to it. And you need to take some steps to react to yours in a more healthy and constructive way.
You need to see a psychiatrist. I’m not saying that as an insult. I have mental health issues and I see a psychiatrist. If you feel that someone else needs to pay for it when you’re having a bad day, you may well have a mental health issue. There’s no shame in seeing a doctor and finding out for sure.
If seeing a doctor isn’t an option for you for whatever reason, you need to find some way to work through your issues when they arise. Go running. Go hit a heavy bag at the gym. Lift weights. Clean the house. Channel the anger and frustration into something that does not involve another human being being forced to bear the brunt of it. But for god’s sake do not ever channel it into your interactions with someone you are supposed to love.
By taking your anger and frustration out on her, you are displaying weakness. You are showing that you are unworthy of the trust she puts in you. You are doing her more psychological harm than you could possibly imagine. She may not be showing it yet but you are harming her, make no mistake. And the harm you are doing may follow her throughout the rest of her life. You have to put a stop to this, and you have to do it *now*.
If you are simply too frustrated and too angry to avoid taking things out on her, you should be removing yourself from the situation. You should understand the power and self-discipline involved in a phrase like “I’ve had a bad day and I can’t give you my best self right now, so I’m going to go for a run to try to shake it off.”.
And if you cannot do any of these things, if you cannot take any of these steps, if you cannot keep yourself from taking your anger out on her, you need to remove yourself from this relationship and not get yourself into another one until you have worked on these issues.
Because anon, by allowing this to continue, you are inhibiting your own self-growth, and you are doing egregious harm to your loved one. In short, nobody can win while this continues.
Please, anon. Please start fixing this now. Don’t wait until it is too late.
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