Rise, shine, and kick a$$. Welcome to my shadow garden

Damian, mildly annoyed at Bruce at the moment: It's quite simple. Batmam steals young children from their bed, usually nine or ten or so. Then he takes you to his lair and give you a deal.

Damian: If you can beat him in a game of your choosing, he will train you to be Robin. If you lose, you are eaten. I beat him in a classic fencing game. He's quite good with swords, but he wasn't very good with the sport itself.

Tim, standing next to him: Yeah, I beat him at a memory card game. I like totally cheated, but I'm too old for him to eat now, so ot doesn't matter.

Damian, nodding: Yes. The worst part of the job is disposing of failed Robins bones. He usually sucks them clean and leaves them all over the floor.

Tim: Yeah, its messy. But after you hit, like 15 he stops trying to eat you, so that's cool.

Damian: I have not yet reached 15. I'm still in danger. If you have more questions, ask Nightwing, as he was the first to avoid being eaten.

-

Same interviewer, at a different date: Mr. Nightwing. Is it true Batman tries to eat potential Robins?

okay so. picture this:

the batcave has one couch. it's in the corner. it’s hideous. it’s like beige or green or something equally offensive to every one of their aesthetics. no one likes the couch.

and that is exactly why it became sacred.

because one night jason just. drops onto it. full gear. bleeding. absolutely done with life. says nothing. doesn’t even take off the helmet. sits there in silence for 3 hours and then leaves.

next week tim uses it. sits there post-mission. face in hands. someone tries to ask if he’s okay and jason throws a batarang at them.

and thus it began.

Rules of the Do Not Talk To Me Couch:

You sit there? No one speaks to you.

You cry? No you didn’t.

You eat cold noodles off your chest at 4 a.m.? That’s sacred time.

If someone tries to comfort you? They are excommunicated for 12 hours.

Dick (sitting on the couch):

Damian: Grayson, are you—

Jason (from across the cave): HE’S ON THE COUCH.

Jason: I don’t make the rules.

Steph: You LITERALLY made the rules.

Jason: And I am the defender of the rules. There’s a difference.

one time damian storms in. covered in blood. absolutely furious. 10/10 rage goblin energy. throws his sword. marches to the couch. sits. arms crossed. steaming.

tim takes one look at him and goes: “i’m making tea.”

jason: “that’s acceptable. tea is allowed. talking is not.”

bonus:

once bruce sits on it.

and the ENTIRE CAVE goes silent.

tim literally freezes mid-typing. cass stops mid-flip. jason just mutters “oh shit.”

they all leave. immediately.

the couch is not ready for bruce.

extra bonus:

Spoiler, recording Red Robin: *in a confused voice* Suspect listens to Green Day and Enya, like my guy pick a struggle

Nightwing, recording Red Hood: Suspect died once and made it his entire personality

Red Hood, recording Robin: Suspect has a superiority complex that is way too big for someone his size

Robin, recording Nightwing: Suspect has been engaged at least twice and married never

Red Robin, recording Spoiler: Suspect thinks assaulting people with bricks is a legitimate flirting strategy (Spoiler: It worked on you!)

Signal, who came out at night solely for this, recording Red Robin: Suspect can't come up with an original name and keeps stealing everyone else's

Red Hood, recording Nightwing: Suspect is actually a huge asshole but hides it behind that cheerful demeanor so everyone thinks I'm lying about it

Robin, recording Red Hood: I'm going to let the Suspect keep running because he needs the exercise

Jason: What neighbors?

Tim: The ones who bought my old house. They're washing their cars on thier lawn

Jason: Oh heaven, forbidden rich people do chores you privileged-

Tim: They're using water guns.

Jason: What?

Tim: The Fentons are washing their cars using water guns. Granted, they are using automatic water guns, but still. They shoot like it's a execution firing squad.

Danny in the distance: BE. CLEAN. WEEP BEFORE YOUR FOUR WHEEL CHILDREN .

Jason: Wtf?

Jason: Damien is literally a demon child ?!

Bruce: Damien threatened me with a sword. Dick snuck out to kill someone his second night here.

Everyone:

I will not use this phrase for your comfort

thanks

—

Bruce: Alfred, what do I do?

Damian: This is an issue...

De aged Dick: I told you I didn't want little siblings! D:<

De aged Jason, crying under a table with a batarang: I DON'T WANNA BE KIDNAPPED!

De aged Tim, staring at Bruce with big, wide eyes: :o

De aged Stephanie, tackling Dick:

—

Bruce: Alright, until Zatanna can get here, you're gonna need to be on your best behavior.

Stephanie: I want my Mom!

Stephanie, kicking Bruce's shins:

Bruce: I am so glad you're not my kid.

Dick, staring at a Nintento game card: Why's the game cartridge so small!?

Bruce: Oh, yeah, I forgot you grew up in the 90's... Um...

Tim, trying to eat said game card:

Bruce: Timothy Jackson Drake, no!

Tim, dropping it quickly and posing like a startled Red Panda: :o

Alfred, holding Jason by the scruff: Sir, master Jason attempted escape again.

Jason: I'm telling my Dad on you! He'll beat you up! MY PARENTS ARE GONNA CALL THE COPS ON YOU! JUST YA WAIT, THEY'RE GONNA BE HERE AND TAKE ME AWAY FROM YOU FOREVER!

Bruce: Hrn, maybe I should've talked to Jason more about his birth parents when I got him...

Alfred: No Father is perfect, sir.

Stephanie: MY MOM SAYS EAT THE RICH!

Stephanie, taking a bite out of Bruce's hand:

—

Bruce: Look, I turned on a movie!

Dick: . . . Why is THE LION KING IN REAL LIFE!?

Bruce: It's live action—

Dick: KILL IT!

Tim, lifting a camera up slowly and snapping a picture of Bruce from a corner:

Bruce: !? Tim?! Where'd you get a camera!?

Tim, dropping to all fours and quietly crawling along the shadows to leave the room:

Bruce: . . . What?

Damian: Father, permission to be a tad bit suspicious of Tim's humanity?

Bruce: He didn't have any when I met him, now I think he might not be human.

—

Jason: I'M IN A BATMOBILE AND YOU'RE NOT!

Bruce, trying to open the door frantically: Jason Peter Todd get out of that car right this instance!

Jason: TAKE ME HOME!

Bruce: Jason, please, I'm not trying to kidnap you.

Jason: I WANT MY MOM!

Tim, popping up from the back seats to climb into the passenger seat and snap a photo of Bruce, desperately struggling to get inside the bat mobile:

Jason: WHERE'D YOU COME FROM!?

Tim, shrugging:

Jason: . . . YOU'RE WEIRD!

Dick, running around in Stephanie's Robin uniform: BATMAN, NANANANANANANA!!!

Stephanie, squealing as she swings Tim's bō staff around:

Damian, chasing after them both: ENOUGH, BOTH OF YOU! YOU ARE ACTING CHILDISH!

Jason, crying: I want my Mooooom.

Tim, turning on the radio, gasping when it works: :o

—

Dick, glaring at a laptop: That's not normal. Why'd you flatten the computer?! WHAT IS THAT THING ON IT!?

Bruce: It's a laptop, and that's internet, and I'm trying to contact Lucius to inform him neither Tim or I will be there for work today.

Damian: Must I go to school? This seems like a family emergency.

Dick: I don't wanna go to school either!

Tim, dropping from an air vent onto the floor, landing face first like a limp rag doll:

Bruce: OH MY GOD!?

Tim, coughing once before picking himself up and snapping a picture of Bruce:

Bruce: . . . I need to get Tim tested.

Damian: For?

Bruce, watching as Tim waddles away: Everything.

—

Stephanie: This place is to big, my Dad would never let me stay at a place this fancy.

Jason: We're being human trafficked!

Stephanie: I dunno, that guy hasn't tried anything.

Jason: Them why do you keep bitin' and kickin' 'im?

Stephanie: I just like to.

Tim:

Jason: WHERE DID YOU COME FROM!?

Tim, lifting up a blank, thick, white binder, flipping it open to reveal page after page of pictures of both Bruce and Batman, as well as Dick and Robin:

Stephanie: What's that?

Tim: Batman.

Jason: YOU CAN SPEAK!?

Tim: . . . Wanna hear me talk about Batman?

Stephanie:

Jason:

Both: Sure.

Tim, big gasp: :O

—

Dick, swinging from a chandelier, singing: WHO LET THE DOGS OUT!? WHO LET THE DOGS OUT!? WOOF WOOF WOOF!

Bruce, sipping from a mug of coffee: I'm glad I got those reinforced...

Tim, taking a picture:

Bruce: . . . Are you hungry?

Tim:

Bruce: You... You haven't eaten.

Tim:

Bruce: . . . Alfred, can you contact Cass? She might be able to communicate with Tim.

Alfred: Right away, sir.

—

Cass: Hi, Tim.

Tim:

Cass: What am I meant to do?

Bruce: Communicate with him..?

Cass: . . . How?

Bruce: You know body language better than I do.

Cass: He seems neutral.

Bruce: I don't think his facial expression has changed once.

Cass: What?

Bruce: Unless blinking counts.

Tim, looking at Bruce: I know what you are.

Tim, waddling off:

Cass: Why was he scarier as a child?

Bruce: The only one who wasn't terrifying as a child was Tim.

Jason, running through the halls with a bucket on his head, right into a wall: Oof!

Bruce: . . . And Jason.

—

Stephanie: You're pretty.

Cassandra: Thank you.

Stephanie: Why is there so many boys here?

Cassandra: Men usually have a harder time dealing with complex emotions and so are more likely to turn to violence to cope, hence why Bruce became Batman. As for Tim, Dick, and Jason? They ended up with Bruce and inherited his... Coping mechanisms.

Stephanie: . . . What?

Cassandra: . . . Want to go hang out at our girls only club?

Stephanie: YES!

—

Babs: Permission to ask?

Cass, braiding Stephanie's hair: No.

Stephanie, eating a king sized Hershey bar, looking like Kirby as she opens her mouth to consume it whole:

—

Bruce: Alright, I had to bribe Alfred with a months vacation, but...

Bruce, putting down two big bags of McDonald's:

Dick: MCDONALD'S!!!!

Tim, snapping a picture:

Jason: Is it drugged?

Bruce: No more than Gotham's food usually is. I got you a Wonder Woman toy.

Dick: I WANT SUPERMAN! :D

Bruce: You got Superman.

Jason: Hm . . . Bribe accepted, but only because if you try to hurt me I'm gonna tell the cops your Batman and get you arrested for forever.

Bruce, knowing damn well Jason hates the police and ain't no snitch: That's fine.

Jason, digging into a bag instantly:

Tim:

Bruce: Uh...

Bruce, slowly lifting a French fry between two fingers:

Tim, eating it from Bruce's fingers before waddling away:

Bruce: . . .

Dick: Wait, isn't that our neighbor?

Jason, lifting his toy in the air: WONDER WOMAN!!!

Dick: Wanna make her fight my Superman!?

Jason: HELL YEAH!

—

Bruce: Alright, Zatanna will be here in an hour. Thank god.

Dick: Is she gonna make us grown ups again?

Bruce: Yes.

Dick: YAY! NO MORE SCHOOL!

Jason: But I like school! Can I still go to school as a grown up?

Bruce: Uh... Of course, Jay, lad.

Jason: YES! EDUCATION! I can't wait to graduate again! :D

Bruce: uhhhh...

Tim: I ate the game card.

Jason:

Dick:

Bruce:

—

BONUS:

*Tim and Bernard, sitting in a hospital room*

Bernard: How'd you get a Stardew Valley Nintendo switch game stuck in your large intestine?

- 2 - 2 x = = x + 2 + - 2 - 2 x = = x + 2 + = + 1 = + 1

- 7 2 + 7 = x + 2 + = 2 + 2 1 = x + 2 +

- 2 - 2 x = = x + 2 + - 2 - 2 x = = x + 2 + - 2 - 2 x = = x + 2 + - 2 - 2 x = = x + 2 +

- 7 2 + 7 = x + 2 +

- 7 2 + 7 = x + 2 + = 7 7 2 + = x + 2 + = x - 7 - 2

Mom: Are you writing an essay?

I desperately want to call one of my besties love/darling because I call all my favorite people that, but I cannot

For reasons

I would ask, but that is simply to awkward for me, so I have come up with a solution

Bruce: …wait. was that my credit card number?

Duke, instantly: im so sorry it was Dick’s fault i promise

Dick: HEY-

Barry: wait that was his credit card-? hey can you say it again-

Oliver: -also the pin,

Bruce: Barry, you know if you need help i am happy to-

Bruce, abruptly changing tune the second Oliver opened his mouth: -YOU can shut the fuck up i know exactly how much is in your bank right now-