Roasted toasted

Both my knees bruised

Know my throat is loaded

Awake while I sleep

I got both eyes open

She give me butterflies

At like 6 in the mornin

Ah that tongue tho

Got me purring gently; a hum

Went from one to a hundo 💯

Let my ex know they lost

What they let go

She did me pretty dirty

It makes me feel sick to my stomach

And I want it

I want it

I want it

I ghost

Im empty and rotted self disgust

And I want it

I want it

I want it

Wishing I could relax into bliss

Wishing my body felt safe to exist

Im scared of how badly im craving your kiss

~~~

~~~

I really doubt it.

I doubt youre the one who will hold me, the one I wish I would've had. I doubt it because im afraid of these feelings ive felt before.

Just another girl who gives me a key to his house. I didnt even ask this time.

All I can do is be transparent as fuck. Why must my desire to be held come with all this baggage?

I just want to be held, why do I have to think about everything thats ever hurt me too?

Im trying to organize myself into files. Make it easy to read, easy to digest. At least in a stack so you can hold it all.

Forget it Slugg, one person cant hold it all. Give her something easy. Just physically hold me. Thats all I want from you. I dont need anything else from you. You dont have to be a refuge. You dont have to be a safe space. You dont have to be the one who treats me right.

Just keep looking into my eyes. For now, just hold me. Just hold this part of me.

Can recognize me likely

Your after image on my eyes is visible just slightly

The hair bristles on my arms when your lips brush me lightly

I think it unsightly, i look away youre blinding.

Ive been aching worried

Considering what might be

Your after image on my eyes is fresh and burning brightly

Ive seen you look inside me

Then tell me what my mind reads

Im missing my muse, so softie isnt this good timing?

Ive held you for an hour

You've kissed me for a minute

I think of you to sleep

I hope i dream, I hope youre in it

Id be acting more than usual

If I said this feels romantic

Boxes cage me softie im averse to be specific

I wont be your blanket

I wont be your escape

I wont be your boyfriend

But i could be your date

I can be your brief relief

Your 'something for the pain'

I get frustrated when he watches TV in the livingroom by himself when Mark works in the other room and Im just existing here in the kitchen.

I get mad when he gets annoyed at the volume and fiddles with it for minutes, sighing and swearing.

He will walk into the room and first thing before hello he will exclaim how unhappy he is, in a loud voice like hes angry and -just done- with everything.

He bursts into cussing and groaning at any minor inconvenience. Traffic a lot. Other random shit. "Nobody wants to fucking hire me." "I wake up every hour sweating and my bed is always soaked." "Gas prices are so fucking crazy and everything's expensive here."

What am I supposed to do with that? Pity you? Ignore you? Try to fix it?

I feel like my ears are a couple toilet bowls affixed to my head for him to vomit and shit in.

I get that this is probably a me thing.

Since I usually suffer in silence and dont inconvenience anyone around me with my emotionality, neither should anyone else.

Because I have a timer in my head that starts ticking every time I talk to someone, then goes off when its time for me to shut up, he should shut up too.

Every cis man who talks and talks and talks should shut up. Id like for them to be silent. And i wouldn't fill up the silence, id be silent too. And then we could sit in that silence and think about how nice it is for me when they dont voice every thought in their minds.

I get that stinging embarrassment when he starts yapping at someone. But what does it have to do with me?

If they dont want to talk with him, they have to say something.

Im not responsible for him, hes not me.

I cant tell if im projecting or if I can really feel the other person's uninterest from across the room. I feel annoyed, remembering times i felt trapped in 'conversations' with men who couldnt tell how much i wanted them to shut up.

I didnt tell them either. Why? Why dont I tell people im not interested in what they have to say. I think it would be better for the world if we all did that. Too many men have yapped away at women who were just humoring them- just hearing them out. Forced to listen out of politeness.

A woman has never yapped at me without apologizing for talking. Not even my close friends. Every girl coded person I meet, trans and cis, apologizes for existing over and over. Apologizes for saying something controversial, for looking at someone, for having a big body, or any body at all.

The THINGS men do and dont apologize for.

The many many things they have the audacity to do and expect others to move around them- mold themselves around them.

D cant pe patient for the milliseconds it takes for the guy in front of him to realize its a green light without yelling FUCKING MOOOOVE.

Part of me thinks. Maybe thats a valid reaction. Maybe its good to let out your frustration. Maybe its me who minds anger too much.

And im mad because I wasn't allowed to express it during my childhood. I wasn't allowed to yell or kick things, I was punished for that. I had to listen to a man talk and talk and talk and there was limited time for what I had to say. Had to squeeze it in between tangents. What I had to say was also put down unless I mirrored the man and repeated back to him his beliefs, opinions, and jokes.

Yknow what I did in the kitchen today? I almost put my headphones on to try and stay in my lane but instead I calmly told D that I wish he would watch TV on his own device when hes watching it by himself, since its hard to concentrate on anything else when im in the kitchen.

And he calmly said "okay yeah sorry ill stop."

And I said "thankyou."

That was it.

And now im outside processing what I feel with writing instead of bleeding it out onto everyone in the house.

Brick by brick I'm dismantling this church.

Its foundation of shame, fear, repression and abuse. Imaginary rules made up for me; taught to me when I was most vulnerable with no other influences.

Beautiful unconditional love, find me.

In the present way of a tree.

In the fluid way of the weather.

In the loyal way of air.

Find me.

Unfortunately I dont believe in romance and lables and tiers and flow diagrams for relationships. I say unfortunately because it makes me jarringly unrelatable to those seeking relationships with me. Alas, I won't conform, and I can't and shan't 'make' anyone take my view.

I have quit grieving that the most total love I can feel is that of myself and the universe. Every atom cuddles me. Nothing can compare. None of us are separate and I believe the humans who channel love like I do will find me.

Love like the beautiful unconditional love I give. Love in the present way of a tree, the fluid way of the weather, loyal as air.

I know its out there in abundance. Find me.

Been noticeably fluid since 2020

And consistenly iconic. (imnotfullofmyselfyesiam)

Now me and my bald head and everyone inside it arguing over where to go from here.

Im here now, in a hotel bed.

You dont have to keep yearning, that part is over now. So so over and gone.

You really still care? You really still feel. I see you -- Your nose stuffed up with cherry petals.

Its so so here with me. It isnt gone. It never left. Im still here with my heart like a hollow chocolate bunny.

Oh and you? Youre still here?

Yes. And I can't figure out whats wrong with me and why it hurts so much. PLEASE please please help. Please tell me how its gonna be okay.

Hey hey dont cry. I got you. Im here. Ill always be here you aren't alone. Im with you im with you im with you im with you you aren't alone.