I get angry at him more and more, my pal, D.
I get frustrated when he watches TV in the livingroom by himself when Mark works in the other room and Im just existing here in the kitchen.
I get mad when he gets annoyed at the volume and fiddles with it for minutes, sighing and swearing.
He will walk into the room and first thing before hello he will exclaim how unhappy he is, in a loud voice like hes angry and -just done- with everything.
He bursts into cussing and groaning at any minor inconvenience. Traffic a lot. Other random shit. "Nobody wants to fucking hire me." "I wake up every hour sweating and my bed is always soaked." "Gas prices are so fucking crazy and everything's expensive here."
What am I supposed to do with that? Pity you? Ignore you? Try to fix it?
I feel like my ears are a couple toilet bowls affixed to my head for him to vomit and shit in.
I get that this is probably a me thing.
Since I usually suffer in silence and dont inconvenience anyone around me with my emotionality, neither should anyone else.
Because I have a timer in my head that starts ticking every time I talk to someone, then goes off when its time for me to shut up, he should shut up too.
Every cis man who talks and talks and talks should shut up. Id like for them to be silent. And i wouldn't fill up the silence, id be silent too. And then we could sit in that silence and think about how nice it is for me when they dont voice every thought in their minds.
I get that stinging embarrassment when he starts yapping at someone. But what does it have to do with me?
If they dont want to talk with him, they have to say something.
Im not responsible for him, hes not me.
I cant tell if im projecting or if I can really feel the other person's uninterest from across the room. I feel annoyed, remembering times i felt trapped in 'conversations' with men who couldnt tell how much i wanted them to shut up.
I didnt tell them either. Why? Why dont I tell people im not interested in what they have to say. I think it would be better for the world if we all did that. Too many men have yapped away at women who were just humoring them- just hearing them out. Forced to listen out of politeness.
A woman has never yapped at me without apologizing for talking. Not even my close friends. Every girl coded person I meet, trans and cis, apologizes for existing over and over. Apologizes for saying something controversial, for looking at someone, for having a big body, or any body at all.
The THINGS men do and dont apologize for.
The many many things they have the audacity to do and expect others to move around them- mold themselves around them.
D cant pe patient for the milliseconds it takes for the guy in front of him to realize its a green light without yelling FUCKING MOOOOVE.
Part of me thinks. Maybe thats a valid reaction. Maybe its good to let out your frustration. Maybe its me who minds anger too much.
And im mad because I wasn't allowed to express it during my childhood. I wasn't allowed to yell or kick things, I was punished for that. I had to listen to a man talk and talk and talk and there was limited time for what I had to say. Had to squeeze it in between tangents. What I had to say was also put down unless I mirrored the man and repeated back to him his beliefs, opinions, and jokes.
Yknow what I did in the kitchen today? I almost put my headphones on to try and stay in my lane but instead I calmly told D that I wish he would watch TV on his own device when hes watching it by himself, since its hard to concentrate on anything else when im in the kitchen.
And he calmly said "okay yeah sorry ill stop."
And now im outside processing what I feel with writing instead of bleeding it out onto everyone in the house.
Brick by brick I'm dismantling this church.
Its foundation of shame, fear, repression and abuse. Imaginary rules made up for me; taught to me when I was most vulnerable with no other influences.
I consciously listen to the ghosts inside its walls. One day they'll finally, hopefully, lay to rest.