So Many Words

lying on the couch in various piles of various people/animals, and the sudden flash of a feeling from my childhood that I can't even fully explain because "feeling like I'm home" seems inadequate. Also obviously I am home, I am home a lot of the time. But it was that and it was deeper, not even just contentment. It was the feeling that I'm looking for when I would get that desperate "I want to go home" feeling even when I was home. Like if a feeling could be opposite the feeling of incoherently sobbing "I want to go home" on the kitchen floor when you already are home (just me? ok), this was that. In a way that was so striking and beyond just... normal contentment and niceness or fun or whatever. I have a lot of good days. Nice days. This was distinct.

guy knocks on the door yesterday, wanting to trim overgrown bushes in the alley behind our house, which are admittedly my problem and I own that. I do not have to deal with this. I hide behind the door and let my boyfriend handle it. ("are you the property owner?" "no my girlfriend is" while said girlfriend is currently hiding behind the door). Like I could have handled it. I would have. But I don't have to? It's not social anxiety, it's social avoidance. Just no. He discusses whatever with said guy. Guy leaves. I have my little hypervigilant spiral about property ownership and squatters' rights. (Related, I have, for some reason, a very deep seated and chronic and pervasive hypervigilance around my home/property ownership that is probably worth unpacking in therapy, because I can't connect it to anything specific -- I have no history of housing insecurity. Is it like the mouse thing where future generations are averse to a smell they never associated with pain? Is it predictability, control, autonomy? A right to exist? It fascinates me even as I'm in it). BF goes to take a shower, I go to the computer to google if the guy is who he says he is and confirm his story. BF comes out and also says the same thing. We both looked him up. We researched him separately. How did I ever get so lucky. I'm not being facetious. Do you know what this does to me.

everything about the Homeschool Legal Whatever that everyone joins regardless of religious affiliation even though they are hella religious pisses me TF off

truancy laws are also a whole ass joke but y'all aren't ready for that conversation

the issue with child abuse is abuse, not either of the above

martyr complexes are ugly on everybody

most things we do to children wouldn't hold up if run through a filter of "would you do this to your partner/bestie/an adult whose opinion you care about"

I feel like my situation has never looked more normal from the outside and yet had a whole intriguingly befuddled conversation about my family/life circumstances/etc this week that I have now unpacked with two people ad nauseum and you better believe you're next, internet

I'm not even upset by it, just noticing! Analyzing! Fascinated!

both children are dead set on public school but I had finally made my peace with half online schooling and now I have to shift gears again

we have reached the point in summer where I am fully intoxicated by it and the annoyance has faded and I want to say fuck it all, we homeschool forever, the children yearn to sleep till noon, we crave the timeless void

justice for the sensory seekers whose happiest environment is a 90+ degree day at a waterpark, Backstreet Boys blaring, wave pool/water features waterboarding us/spinny slides

"sensory friendly" what if sensory friendly is ALL THE SENSORY INPUT AT ONCE, but it's okay because I chose it, Karen, WHAT NOW, WHERE'S MY ADHD REPRESENTATION

I don't vibe with the common theme/complaint/thing that goes around online like "my autism vs my adhd" or those things being at odds, they are ALL JUST ME, WE INTEGRATE, I contain multitudes, etc. But nonfacetiously I genuinely don't feel at odds? I'm just out here existing. I'm not trying to fit diagnosis criteria. If it's not co-opting I feel like the David Rose wine bottle analogy fits here but for neurotypes?

But also: said conversation that I will someday unpack here has me kind of tilting my head like a confused pug like "oh shit yeah I'm too ADHD for the purely autistic crowd" / too neurotypical adjacent (LAUGHABLE, have you met me) / too neurodivergent for the NTs (but not mad about it)

Other realization which I said to a friend, I think I have never resonated with the kind of self-pitying "neurotypicals hate us instantly without even a reason" content because I genuinely spend my life being the hater first 🙃 Like my question is never "how do I get this person to like me / do they like me" it's literally always "do I like them" first and primarily and the answer to that overrides the other questions 🤷‍♀️

that may be privilege or whatever but also I do strongly support the rights of all people regardless of disability to be haters 😘

looking through the past few months of pictures trying to choose one that brings me joy is exceedingly difficult because there are so, so many and that's such a lovely problem to have

the allure of homeschool is SO STRONG and it's also not my decision and it's also not probably best but god I don't want to do the jarring TIME'S UP, BACK TO COMPLIANCE HELL, HOPE YOU LOVE SLEEP DEPRIVATION thing in August

Nothing about this deserves even a part one, however!!! look who's smart -- we put everything in bags/a crate and I took out the nonessential stuff already (e.g. pickles, Celsius, sparkling water) so when the fridge people get here it's just TAKE THIS STUFF OUT, BAM, DONE Install new fridge

if I could free past me from the unisex t-shirt discourse I would. It has recently shown up again across my social media and now at middle age I am just like ?????? you mean to tell me that wearing a baggy tshirt looks like you're wearing a baggy tshirt? Is that not the goal? Oh it doesn't cinch in at your waist? Right because it's... A BAGGY T-SHIRT??? "oh but if I get it to fit the widest part of me (boobs/hips/whatever) then it doesn't fit (waist/shoulders/whatever). Okay but counterpoint: no one gives a shit and maybe a random free tshirt isn't meant to look hot This is not to say that some tshirts aren't The Wrong Material™ because they absolutely are. They cannot be redeemed. Looking at you, Bella + Canvas But the expectation that some free volunteer tshirt should look like an actual outfit or tailored piece of clothing needs to be left in the 2000s where it belongs. Wear the cheap ass tshirt. Let it touch none of your body. Let it be unflattering. Be free.

Tax levy for local nonprofit org in my area, that serves X number of people in the county. Are we included in that number? Because they haven't done shit for us. 👀 It just makes me wonder.

This one was going to be actually serious (I mean. Not that the others aren't) but I've forgotten what it was 😞

There are so many things that feel similar to a past era of my life I'd love to never revisit (it's when my kids were preschool age) but it's hitting me just how much lines up and I'm wondering if it's related-ish. Which is odd because it literally all just happened at the same general time. Things getting generally more difficult with kids, going places with them getting generally more difficult, me feeling like I need to try and rebuild/build social connections but that exacerbating the first feeling, slowly trying to dip my toes into the world of maybe seeking out support services if they exist while knowing they don't, telling myself it won't be like before because I have no faith in any system, wondering how to do that while having no faith in any system, a lot of trauma triggers around trying to work + account for children, a lot of trauma triggers around trying to involve other people in our life. And a friend saying something like but this is how it goes differently, because you expect X to happen but then it's Y and now someone is disrupting that (negative) expectation and that's true enough. But also realizing that it's weird/interesting/telling that all of this is kind of coming back at the same time as I realize I am now... not really trying to because that implies it's something I can control, but also there is some intent behind it??? ...trying to integrate to some extent a whole other person into whatever this is, and how that also kind of parallels the earlier time period which was just a transitional mess of okay, what does THIS THING *gestures at household* look like now. And now that's kind of shifting again. Add in allllll of my college baggage of attributing way too much to a situation and person that NEVER once deserved it and it gets extra complicated in my head in ways I'm just starting to tease apart. Because it doesn't feel quite as complicated in reality. It's just internal and mentally for me. Because on one hand I am like, yes, of course it makes sense that you want to kind of shrink the world down and only focus on this, that's normal (SO NORMAL) and expected in any circumstance but also especially so for this one. Like you're trying to actually do something here. But then the other part of me is like NO YOU CAN'T SAY THAT. NO. IT'S JUST VIBES. LOL IT'S NOTHING (it has never been nothing, obviously). This is all me. This is not even based in reality. This is just how I start to argue myself out of any train of thought. see also: realization that my inability to write an instagram caption/choose a song is directly related to the fact that every "social media" post I made in a previous relationship resulted in a whole shitstorm of drama/arguing/upset. And once that clicked in my brain it made sense.

Still leaning hard into the obviously accurate internet fact that neurotransmitter-wise, your brain can’t distinguish between real and imaginary. Here’s what has happened with imaginary crush: absolutely nothing! However I am sitting here thinking “I haven’t told [Friend] about this yet” and thinking, with much enjoyment, how much she would absolutely flip out if I showed them the description of this person because they will lose their mind completely because this description is literally like if someone wrote fan fiction of the type of person who is perfect for me and/or what I would want. Like, I KNOW she would. I know exactly what the reaction would be, it would be EXTREME and validating and completely overwhelming and I would simply ✨implode✨ like the Oceangate sub, so imagining it is better. But the fact that I know that would be her reaction? SO VALIDATING. SO ENCOURAGING. SO NOT HELPFUL RIGHT NOW. So. I’m imagining… the response to an imaginary scenario. It’s meta. It’s giving Inception. My daughter tells me that kids are better at things than adults. “We have better imaginations. My imagination is good, yours is not so good.” Checkmate, daughter.

Present me would like a word, which is: GIRL. YOU HAD NO IDEA. Because this part: literally like if someone wrote fan fiction of the type of person who is perfect for me and/or what I would want YOU HAD NO IDEA PAST ME IT'S GOING TO GET SO GOOD IT'S GOING TO BE ALL YOU WANTED AND MORE, HE WILL BE ALL OF THE THINGS, ALL OF THE CHECKBOXES YOU DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD. FAN FICTION COULD NEVER. Also the actual response to the actual scenario:

But I also don’t think I want to? The hospital fantasy died years ago; no one is coming to save me. But I just want a chill and weird little life. Just my little tasks and interests. I don’t want to be perceived. I don’t want to accomplish anything major. I just want little bits of joy. I want so much less than the generation before me had, and I’m just trying to survive without anything close to that support.

And I sit here feeling like the worlds most selfish parent... for what?! For taking time away from my kids in hour increments?? For having another emotionally healthy, regulated (more so than me) adult in my house for ~36 hrs at a time??? Who respects and loves my children???? Who goes on dates with me to LOOK AT COOL ROCKS and LOOK AT MODEL TRAINS? oh my god THE AUDACITY. Meanwhile I grew up with a 5:1 adult child ratio. Then my mom got married in what seems like a very short span in my child's memory and it was an overnight change. And I was at my grandparents’ house EVERY WEEKEND and multiple days a week from ages 6-18. And this is the part where I feel gross but let's be so fucking for real, my children were adopted from foster care, I read the paperwork, I know the reality, I know the alternative. So why is my 4.0 in grad school, perfect child self, never did anything wrong in her life, can't even take a 60 lb child's dose of hydroxyzine without feeling out of control, biggest crash out was spending $75 on discount Ray Bans, self feeling like the world's most neglectful and reckless parent for LEAVING THE CHILDREN FOR AN HOUR TO LOOK AT SMALL TRAINS. I'm not saying I have more worth or value or anything for any of those things -- I don't -- but sometimes it's like... this is absurd. Like OMG am I A NEGLECTFUL PARENT because I... spent a total of ~3 hrs total out of the house with my boyfriend, and the other remaining weekend hours IN the house, with them, often piled on the couch together, and he made my daughter pancakes and was overall nicer and more patient with them than I am (in a normal, not lovebombing way). We sat on the couch and spent an hour studying geological maps in our state to see geological information about the areas of our respective houses and childhood homes, and then took a nap. It was a REAL WILD SATURDAY AFTERNOON, let me tell you. (Also I loved it. Those maps are 🔥 ).

And I stopped what I was doing, startled, because it sounded SO STRANGE.

I had to think about it but it’s because he would normally say “they’re in our car” or, probably more likely, “they’re in the car.”

The car. THE car. Our only car. Which never needed a specification.

And the only thing that has changed is that they spend a good amount of time — maybe even most this past week — riding in bf’s car, primarily because he has air conditioning. He’s driven all of us plus their friend to the park. Drove them home from the playground they hung out at while I did a focus group for some money.

My children had a "field trip" a couple weeks ago. They were going to take the on-demand city bus to McDonald's.

The McDonald's is a little over half a mile from the school.

I was perplexed, to say the least.

(There are other McDonald's. Like, y'all couldn't live it up and ride across town? It's $2 regardless within city limits). However. I do not make the rules. I was not consulted for transport. The trip was intended, or justified, by being framed as the culmination of bus usage training and a chance for the students to learn how to take the bus.

If I were less salty, if I were less cynical, if I were less aware, if the year had gone less badly, I would possibly not have the attitude I do in response to that, but my attitude in response to that is a jumble of "how is this ever going to help them if they are someday older and need to take the bus because the app/process will 100% change" and "why do we assume, always, that the issue is lack of knowledge" and "why do we assume that if the issue is lack of knowledge the answer is essentially discrete trial training -- fuck ABA forever -- and not, I don't know, actual critical thinking." I mean we know why. Anyway.

So the bus/McDonald's trip became something to riff on for me for a week or so because why are you taking a bus??? Why not walk? The weather is beautiful, the children need exercise, fresh air!!! or why are you going only that far, enjoy the bus!!! but no.

Whatever. I sent them with $20 each and direct instructions to "go wild."

My son got a sandwich, fries, a Dr. Pepper, a milkshake, and a 10 piece nugget. YOLO.

My daughter got a sandwich, fries, a Dr. Pepper, possibly a milkshake? Possibly not? and was going to get a 10 piece nugget to share with her friends but the aide told her no, that's too much.

IT'S MY MONEY.

HER TWIN BOUGHT THAT EXACT QUANTITY OF FOOD.

Anyway, none of this is the point of the entry, the point of the entry is this:

My journey over the past few years has been one of being increasingly aware of everything, increasingly having the capacity to deal with shit, AND at the same time realizing that the increased capacity comes with a very increased sensitivity to everything. Something something Brene Brown feeling joy and sadness. Something something integration, something something younger self. Basically I have the emotional sensitivity of 7 year old me (but now with the wisdom/experience/fully developed frontal lobe of 40+ year old me) and that's both healing and also a very vulnerable way to live.

I'm driving my son to school today and he mentions to me that the teachers HATE his classmate, Thomas (not his real name).

I asked, naively, stupidly, why, because Thomas seems like a cool kid. I've met him like, twice, for a total of two minutes each time. But he fits what, in theory, teachers want -- he was always dressed nice, clean, put together, hair neat (unlike mine). Just a nice looking kid.

And immediately corrected myself because a) they are all cool kids and b) that shouldn't matter and c) it has never mattered. I said I believed it, because I could tell within seconds in a classroom which kid the teachers hated, and that there was always one, that for whatever reason got all their anger and frustration and resentment and could do nothing right. Son agreed. "And they did something that really upset me," he said. "When we went to McDonald's, Thomas was having trouble deciding what he wanted. And the aide said, 'JUST GET SOMETHING' really mean." It was, in theory, our normal complaining and deconstructing of the hellscape that is school. I was sitting at a stop sign waiting to turn left. And for whatever reason that one hit sharper. I think I told him to stop talking for a minute because it made me really sad. I was surprised at how sad it made me.

Because my son is that kid. Since he was a toddler, the one who would just stare at a trick or treat bowl and freeze. Who takes FOREVER to make any kind of decision. It causes him actual, very real stress.

And at McDonald's, we are such frequent visitors that he knows his order very well. But if we weren't? If it was a new restaurant? If it was a more special outing? Or if it wasn't and he was the type of kid to switch it up? If he had never had practice ordering for himself? Even if he had? All these things. He has difficulty with it anyway.

I, as an adult, get confused by the touch screen menu (which I MUCH prefer because it allows for processing time). I messed up our lunch order on Sunday and had to go back and order another drink.

I thought of my own kid, little and always unsure, with actual disabilities that make decision making hard for him. I thought about how much I as an adult am unpacking the many little comments, still less harsh and probably more infrequent, that made me feel like my existing was somehow inherently wrong or inconvenient or my needs didn't matter.