I hear the enemy’s lies in my head

Telling me again and again

That everyone hates me,

That I’m nothing

Worthless, hopeless, lonely

They won’t go away

Or is it even Satan?

Could just be my brain 

Hard to tell anymore what’s just me and what’s the Devil

Isn’t that sad?

Feeling like there’s no point 

Feeling like giving up, 

At the same time trying to be strong

Isn’t this all just so messed up

I’m trying to keep my head up 

Out of the tidal waves

The ocean flips me

My chest is burning, I cannot breathe

I think I am drowning

And every once in a while

It’ll let me come up and breath

Just to force me back under

Lord, help! I’m being crushed!

Come to my rescue and free my mind

Show me what I should do

Lead me in all your ways

My Healer

Lord, listen! See how I despair

Reach out to me, be my comfort

Hold me close when I am sad

Don’t let me sink beneath the waves 

Lord, do you see me? Are you listening? I am hurting, it is more than I can bear. Rise up! Help me! Show yourself in my life. 

God, I don’t know how to carry on. I want to live without all of this fear and anxiety, loneliness and depression that I have to carry. I want to be free. To not feel like I’m sinking, to not cry every single night when I’m forced to be alone, no other soul to lean upon. 

Jesus, how can this be it for me

When you came to set me free

When you died on calvary

To give us victory

But all I feel is this hopeless pain 

I know you want to take away

But I can hardly stand 

All of this shame

Lord, please heal me today

I’m so tired

I’m so done

This life isn’t any fun 

I want to prais you through the storm 

But I don’t know if I can go on

It’s hard for me to see the way

Let your presence surround me

Because I am falling

Jesus, your body and spirit were bruised

And all chains were loosed

So I’m speaking out in faith

That your love has made a way

For me, though I cannot see it

I. AM. MISERABLE.

I can’t stop drowning in my own head

My feelings are a whirlpool, never-ending

I feel as if I am drowning

I’ve said it before but don’t think I expressed it well, 

My own personal hell

It’s not a normal feeling, or in the normal range of feeling lonely

It’s a riptide, a whirlpool

It won’t let me go

This overwhelming all-consuming emotion

Realizing that for all intents and purposes I am invisible. No one seems to remember that I exist. They say they care but are never there. I never get invited to anything, I just tag along uninvited to whatever my roommate goes to. She says people like me. But how can that be true? Please explain why the only time they talk to me is when I’m with her or in a group setting? And I try, I try so hard to connect. I go to all these social events. Too many acquaintances, not enough friends. 

This feeling of isolation is like a death eater's kiss. It sucks out my soul.

And there’s no one to turn to, no one to cry out to, because it’s just a cycle. My loneliness and depression need to be vented, but ironically there’s no one to listen. So I am forced to sit alone here in this well of deep emotion. Trapped, trying to escape, unable to.

What’s the point of all this suffering, all this pain? Feeling way too much in just one day.

The constant thoughts that just won’t go away. Feeling my roommate slip away. I can’t describe what I truly feel. This is most inadequate I fear.

I can never succeed in writing out all my pain, to explain what it’s like to live in my head. Even to myself sometimes it’s a mystery.

I don’t know what to do with myself when I’m in the midst of this. Or how to cope. It’s too early to be feeling this sad! I still have hours left before I go to bed, what am I supposed to do until then? There’s the obvious answers I suppose: homework, read, netflix, etc. But I don’t feel like doing any of those. 

No one to talk to, no one to hug, no one to reach out to.

I’f I’m invisible do I exist?

Should I exist?

So, it’s been a while since I’ve posted. So updates: I graduated high school in America, and now I’m in college at Southeastern University. It’s been really rough and I feel like instead of being on this journey through recovery, that I’m slipping back. 

Loneliness,

A common emotion that I always feel 

Of being misunderstood and alone 

Smiling in crowds and nodding alone 

But feeling small 

Feeling left out even when I'm included 

Loneliness is a condition that has polluted

My every thought and every motion 

I can't reach out for fear of being a burden

So when I stretch out my hand to knock on your door 

I just turn around without having knocked 

My head is down as I am walking 

I notice that my hand is shaking

I just want to connect to someone 

But I can't take the first step 

And I cannot connect to people who wear masks 

I long for deep and meaningful things 

I crave them like a parched man demands water 

If you can get past my armor 

But I'm just so lonely 

Lonely in a crowd, or by myself 

Unable to reach out 

Wishing that for once when someone came to my door 

It would be to talk to me and not to look for my roommate 

And through it all it's hard to see or feel God 

I know He is always with me but I just feel so small 

In this world and overall

 I just feel lonely

 Like, all of my so-called freinds don't even notice when I'm not there 

Or maybe leave me behind on purpose 

They panic when they forget anyone except for me 

And call to say they missed them and how are you doing? 

But no one seems to say these things about me

Or care where I've been 

Or remember I'm not at dinner I am invisible

And it makes me lonely 

The only time people approach and talk to me 

Is when I'm with company 

They talk to me because I am there 

And to be polite, but not because they actually care 

So I keep my head down and retreat 

Realizing that if I wasn't there no one would care 

That if I left they wouldn't notice or worry 

And the only one who sees through this invisibility cloak that I'm forced to wear 

Is my only friend: my roomie 

But that means that I only have one friend 

And that makes me lonely 

When I want to take a walk or just hang out but she is busy 

I have no one else in which to go 

So I sit, or walk, by myself 

And I'm lonely 

And it seems no matter how hard I try 

How much I talk or stay silent 

Join in on the fun or fade to the background 

No matter how hard I try or don't 

I am always lonely 

And I am so very tired 

Of being so lonely