I Don't Know Where I End And Where You Begin

I’ve not been on here in a minute but I have a story to share that I think is important for anyone that’s been affected by the recent loss of Linkin Park’s frontman, Chester Bennington. My hope is it provides a relief to those of you also coping with this loss. 

This past Saturday night, I stood in the kitchen with my mom as she cooked dinner. We were just chatting, I was there on a visit to South Florida for a cars and coffee event Sunday morning.  Her boyfriend, who normally would have been spending time with us, was upstairs resting, feeling unwell from so much strenuous work in the Summer heat. 

I decided to bring up the topic of Chester’s death and remembered an article I had read a day or so prior. I explained to her how the author perfectly captured the essence of who Chester was as a soul, as an entity that had an extraordinary way of conveying emotion that touched the listener so personally, so honestly and in such a way that was eerily relatable, as if he were speaking to you directly. I decided to find an excerpt to read to her. 

“Often, you’ll get an artist who deeply affected many, but it’s rare when you get an artist who affected an entire generation. Over the last five days, I’ve reminisced on all of the people I know who listened to Linkin Park. I thought about my friends on my high school cross country team who were into them and had their music in their warm-up playlists. I thought about when we all listened to ‘New Divide’ for the first time and loved it. I also thought about the girl on the team who knew every one of their songs to heart.” 

Halfway through trying to read it aloud, I choked up and the waterworks began. In that moment, I couldn’t quite understand why someone, who I hadn’t known personally, left me grieving this intensely. I’ve previously lost family members who hadn’t left me with this much pain and I couldn’t help but feel guilty about that. Like I said, I didn’t even know Chester. 

My mom hugged me and provided that motherly reassurance. We sat down for dinner and I offered to play her some of Linkin Park’s songs, to which she excitedly agreed. I connected my phone to the bluetooth speakers in the living room and I started playing the songs, one after another. I guess at some point, the music got a little loud and her boyfriend came downstairs and jokingly remarked about the volume as he made himself a drink. 

He commented on how I was playing Linkin Park and talked about what a tragedy it was losing Chester. My mom then mentioned how I had tried reading the article and had not been able make it through. Hearing ‘The Messenger’ in the background, combined with the emotion that was starting to build up, I bowed my head and covered my face as I started to cry again. He stood behind the counter and began to open up to the both of us about how Linkin Park had been a salvation to him as well, through times where he wasn’t sure he was going to make it. His voice cracked and as he continued on, I could hear he was beginning to cry as well. “I feel this pain with you, man. I’ve been there; I’ve lived this music; I’ve lived these struggles. To be able to relate to every single fucking song, to feel that emotion with his angelic voice, to finally feel you aren’t alone; I feel this pain with you.” 

Mind you, I had not been close with him at all before this. Several generations separate us, myself being 22 and him being 51. He made note of this as well; “You know it’s something special when you and I, being generations apart, are both equally affected by his music and passing.” He came over and hugged me several times and repeated, “I love you, man.” This was the first time I had bonded with him and I knew what had just happened was immensely important. 

My mom had told me earlier in the day that he had been acting a little off, more irritable than usual, noticeably down and was offering little as far as an explanation. In this moment, the two of us came to realize what had been bothering him. 

By this point, all three of us were crying, my mom a little shocked at what had just transpired and myself crying tears of joyous relief, having realized that this bond; this moment of catharsis, though brought on by tragedy, was an invaluable turning point in my relationship with my mom’s boyfriend and in my life. And for that, I have Chester to thank. 

Chester, you left millions of fans, fellow artists, and your family members devastated in your decision to cut ties with this world. For reasons we may never know, you felt it was the right thing to do and for that, I can’t blame you. I can only do my best to empathize and hope that you’ve found your peace in the world of light. Unexpectedly however, your music and your unfortunate death have provided a silver lining; a small token of hope. Without these elements, I can’t say where my relationship with my mom’s boyfriend would stand. There’s no telling what the future holds but I’m eternally grateful that there was light in this darkness and that despite losing you, I’ve gained an invaluable bond with someone who is very important to my mother. I have you to thank, man. So, thank you. You meant a lot to me and I’m so grateful to have these songs, that at their core, bravely convey honest emotion and struggle to remember you by. You were a true legend. 

I wish the remaining band members could read this— we stand with you in your grief. 

“When life leaves us blind, love keeps us kind.” 

-Linkin Park, The Messenger 

RIP Chester Charles Bennington

March 20, 1976—July 20, 2017