I can't work out if I miss rping or if I'm just nostalgic for a coping mechanism that I don't have anymore isn't that awful

if i look back, i am lost

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I can't work out if I miss rping or if I'm just nostalgic for a coping mechanism that I don't have anymore isn't that awful

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i really really do not know if anyone is still here. i don’t. but since i am, suddenly, and no one’s paying attention, i might as well explain myself. maybe this is just a softly worded rant, since no one’s here anymore. maybe i need it said, objectively. - there are triggers under the cut. they will be tagged.
the last post on this blog ( dylan’s ) was july 11th, 2017. the last on kate’s was august 5th, 2017. i’ve been gone for a full year and i never said a word about leaving. i explained that i had a big breakdown in january of last year. that happened because of a certain asshole who will-not-be-named. less than a year later, i was in hospital again over the same dude. i don’t want to go too far into the grimy, gritty details of it all, for fear of boring or triggering, or appearing pity-mongering. all i will say is that the last year, my last year at college and this last year of my life, has been hell. i’ll bullet-point it, just for clarity. one - my mother made clear to me that she would never accept my identity, and i ran away for a week. two - during this week, i stayed at the house of my ‘best friend’ ( yes, i took him back after he put me in hospital - who ever said i made sensible decisions ), and he did a lot of stuff that wasn’t okay, but i just brushed it off as a joke. he did that a lot, in our friendship. three - my other closest ‘friend’ admitted he had been in love with me for six months, and then manipulated me, taking advantage of past traumas to wreck me, culminating in him threatening and subsequently attempting suicide because i “refused to feel the same way” four - the ‘best friend’ figure in our story supported me through all of that, and eventually told me he was developing feelings for me, and i told him they would never be reciprocated. he said he understood ( clearly, he did not ) . five - he did a bunch of shit before the big event which caused everything to fall apart, most notable of which is probably the constant slapping/smacking/punching of my chest and behind as ‘jokes’, the constant joking that he’d installed cctv cameras in my room so he could watch me change ( still paranoid about that one lmao ), the times he tried to pay me to kiss him and let him do ‘platonic bondage’ to me, and the time he wrote porn about me and sent it to a bunch of my tumblr friends. six - said ‘best friend’ trapped me in a classroom after hours and sexually assaulted me. then, in the following few days, i told someone, he found out, and reported me to the police for harassment. and then i had the police in my front room for four hours. and then he doxxed me and stalked me for months and slandered me behind my back, to the point i had to disappear from basically every online platform, either deleting, abandoning, or privating every aspect of my life so he couldn’t find me. he told his friends ( i got screenshots from one of my friends who’d convinced him that she was on his side ) that he was going to track me down and kill me, or that he was going to fuck with me until i killed myself. seven - i was in class with this dude. he sat next to me every single period. the police told the college, the college did nothing, and i couldn’t be in a room with him, so i essentially spent six full months hiding in a room instead of going to class. he tried to convince all my friends to spy on me irl and on social media, and i ended up having a paranoid/psychotic meltdown, and i ended up overnight in the fckn hospital again. like. eight - then, towards the end of my college course i got my shit together and worked practically 24/7 to finish my course, completing 6 months of work in like 6 weeks just so i could finish. i got a d*d*d* so im super proud. but like. that shit is why i haven’t been here. i’ve not exactly been. okay. i’m getting there now, though. i’m getting better. i make music now ! and i’m taking a gap year, but i’m going to go to uni and be a vet ! i haven’t sh in 2 and a half months ! like. it’s starting to be okay. and maybe if i’m okay i can actually have a passion for writing again. maybe.
mate is anyone still here like,,,,, wow i freakin miss kate n dylan like i wanna come back but would,,, anyone want me i’m-
woah i just found this account what the f u c k
I FOUND DYLANS TOO WH AT THE F UCK IS ANYONE STILL ACTIVE HERE THIS IS WILD
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ey ok so i know i’ve been gone for 6 months almost exactly but i wanna come back and if u ever loved me pls tell me what to do with kate & dylan <3

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hiatus notice !!!
after a lot of thought , i’m going to place this blog on a hiatus for the time being , possibly indefinitely. i love dylan , && i put so much work into him - but i have to admit to feeling unwanted here. i feel so much more loved over on kate , whereas here ? i post starter calls , get no response ; i post memes , get no response ; i post plotting calls , get no response - it’s getting tiring , && draining. this is nothing against any of you lovely people ! it’s more of a personal issue of having a paranoid fear of rejection && being ignored , && more generally my mindset at the moment is terrible. i may return when my head’s in a better place ; right now , feeling this unwanted is loading just piles of negativity into my brain ! if you need me , you can find me on kate ( @dicedup ) or skype ( futuretied )
sorry for not being on recently ! I've been concentrating over on kate but consider this a STARTER CALL!
blccms !
charlie can hear the thud; it resonates in his chest in a way as he clumsily locks the door behind him, stumbling down the steps and setting a fast pace down the sidewalk. he’d run, but he wants to save his breath and voice for this moment.
“hey – c’mon, dylan. you don’t gotta be scared, i’m comin’. okay? and we’ll work through this together.”
vague worries eat at him as he realizes he’s not at all QUALIFIED for this. dylan needs someone with an OPEN HEART instead of a closed fist, someone with a voice. poor bastard is stuck with a dumb jock, spouting off the same slurred and rasped words of encouragement.
the phone is shakily placed on the counter’s edge , not too far away for charlie to still hear him , but OUT OF HIS HANDS - dylan has to resist the urge to THROW IT into the wall . the shuddering breaths that leave his lips , only steadied slightly by arms wrapped around lower ribs - bone against bone almost clacking . voice cracks , yet again , purposeful voice alteration left in the smoke as he trembles ( higher pitched , the femininity he’s so used to hiding ) . ‘ it HURTS . it - IT HURTS - ’ he’s suddenly acutely aware that he is UNCOVERED , loose fitting t - shirt only covering his torso - not his ARMS // NECK // COLLARBONES // HANDS . the plethora of mistakes that coat his body ON SHOW , with no motivation to change - charlie’s going to SEE , going to FREAK OUT ( dylan supposes he deserves to be left ) .
BOOK STARTERS [19] ( SHADOW AND BONE ) ( LEIGH BARDUGO )
❛ I missed you every hour. ❜
❛ You know what the worst part was? It caught me completely by surprise. ❜
❛ I’ve risked my life for you. ❜
❛ The problem with wanting is that it makes us weak. ❜
❛ I love you, even the part of you that loved him. ❜
❛ I’m sorry it took me so long to see you. ❜
❛ I never really belonged anywhere. ❜
❛ Thanks for being my best friend and making my life bearable. ❜
❛ Thanks for finding me. ❜
❛ You and I are going to change the world. ❜
❛ I’ve been waiting for you a long time. ❜
❛ I’m not used to people trying to kill me. ❜
❛ You’re shaking. ❜
❛ Here’s nothing wrong with being a lizard. Unless you were born to be a hawk. ❜
❛ Make me your villain. ❜
❛ Just you and me. It’s always just you and me. ❜
❛ Do you blame me for every mistake I made? For every dumb thing I’ve said? ❜
❛ Well, if it gets too bad, give me a signal. ❜
❛ Did you tell him what I showed you in the dark? ❜
❛ Did you miss me when you were gone? ❜
❛ What is infinite? The universe and the greed of men. ❜
❛ You’re interfering with my plan. ❜
❛ Too much champagne? ❜
❛ I hope you don’t expect fairness from me. It isn’t one of my specialties. ❜
❛ There is something more powerful than any army. Something strong enough to topple kings. Faith. ❜
❛ All you said was that I had to kill you. You didn’t say how. ❜
❛ What is she? She’s everything, you dumb son of a bitch. ❜
❛ She’s an ugly little thing. No child should look like that. Pale and sour, like a glass of milk that’s turned. ❜
❛ I wouldn’t make that mistake again. ❜
❛ It’s a great honor, to save a life. You saved many. ❜
mydruidlife:
In fairy tales it always pays to take heed of the animals of the wild.

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Hurt & bitter starter sentences
agcnt-jcnhscn :
❝ You’re too mean, I don’t like you ❞
❝ That’s not what I want at all❞
❝ You don’t love me. Big fucking deal! ❞
❝ You told me again you prefered handsome man but for me you were making exception ❞
❝ When I wake up I’m afraid somebody else might take my place ❞
❝ We just aren’t going to stay like this forever ❞
❝ Fuck you anyway❞
❝ I’ll be good and I’ll love the world like I should❞
❝ I’ll never tell you how I feel ❞
❝ If you leave then I’ll be afraid of everything ❞
❝ It hurts but I won’t fight you ❞
❝ All we do is hide away ❞
❝ I send my best regards from hell ❞
❝ I’ve been upside down… ❞
❝ Is there somewhere you can meet me? ❞
❝ Oh but you got away, didn’t you?❞
❝ This isn’t fun anymore… Never hurt like this before. ❞
❝ This house don’t feel like home. ❞
❝ But if you loved me then why’d you leave me?❞
❝ It almost feels like a joke. ❞
❝ I’ll be good for all of the times that I never could❞
❝ I’ll wait for you baby, that’s all I do baby ❞
❝ One may think we’re alright, but we need pills to sleep at night❞
❝ I hope my smile can distract you so it never has to show and you’ll never know❞
❝ You suck anyways ❞
❝ That was called love…❞
❝ Go ahead and cry me a river ❞
❝ Don’t cry no more for me, don’t spend your time convincing me ❞
❝ We need lies to make it throught the day… We’re not okay.❞
❝ I don’t even think of you that often ❞
❝ If you love me don’t let go ❞
❝ That’s one thing I’d never say to you ❞
❝ Just don’t. ❞
❝ Can’t they see I’m hurting enough? ❞
❝ We don’t feel like outsiders at all ❞
❝ Stay, stay, stay, stay, stay. ❞
❝ You look so cold…❞
❝ We both know it’s not fashionable to love me ❞
unrequited love starters
Send one to see how my muse reacts.
IN LOVE
“I love you. I’m sorry.”
“I know you don’t feel the same way.”
“I don’t want to be friends.”
“Why can’t you just give me a chance?!”
“How could you pick him/her/them over me?”
“Don’t you get it? It’s because I love you!”
“Just one date. Coffee? Please?”
“Can we please pretend I never said that?”
“Friendzoned again.”
“I want you to be happy, with or without me.”
“You should’ve loved me when you had the chance.”
“I’m a nice person! Why can’t I get dates?”
“I don’t want to be just friends with benefits anymore.”
“Fuck you for toying with my emotions like that.”
“I was there for you when no one else was!”
“Please don’t tell anyone about this.”
“Alright – I can tell a ‘no’ when I hear it.”
“I’m sorry I acted so creepy.”
“Can’t we just give us another chance?”
“I love you. I know you don’t love me, so don’t say it back.”
“You don’t have to say anything, if you don’t want. I just thought you should know.”
“I don’t love him/her/them. I love you.”
“God, please don’t tell my wife/husband/spouse about this.”
“Can I have just one kiss?”
“Fuck. It’s like what they say – nice guys finish last…”
“I knew that’d be your answer. That’s why I never told you before.”
“I’m tired of keeping this secret. Even if you don’t love me back.”
“When I said I loved you, I meant it.”
“Is there any part of you, deep down, that might love me back?”
NOT
“I’m sorry, I just don’t see you that way.”
“I don’t owe you anything!”
“We can be friends instead.”
“I don’t feel as strongly for you as you do for me.”
“If you bring up the friendzone, this conversation is over.”
“I love you, just not in that way.”
“Thanks so much for understanding.”
“You’ll find somebody else.”
“I hope we’ll still be friends after this.”
“No means no, so stop asking!”
“I thought you were my friend.”
“This isn’t a debate. I said no.”
“I don’t think we’d be compatible.”
“Look at this realistically – can you honestly see any scenario where we’d date and not kill each other?”
“You’re only saying that because you’re freaking out.”
“I have a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner.”
“What?!”
“What are you talking about? You’re married!”
“You’re in a relationship with another person – you know this can’t end well.”
“You’re more like a sibling, to be honest.”
“I’m flattered, I just don’t…”
“Wow. I mean – wow. Sorry, I’m just – just really shocked, is all.”
“You were the one that left all those notes for me?”
“We agreed this was just physical!”
“There’s a reason we didn’t work out the first time.”
“I’m sorry, but… no.”
a softer world sentence starters.
❛ some people are so good at disappearing that you start to doubt your memories that they were ever there. ❜
❛ how do you say goodbye to someone who was never there? ❜
❛ i don’t want a world without pain, or loss. i just want them to mean something. ❜
❛ there are some people who believe a photo captures their soul. ❜
❛ if you love something let it go. ❜
❛ you were not the first, you will not be the last. ❜
❛ there are some secrets i will take to my grave, but i don’t want loving you to be one of them. ❜
❛ you can still back out before anyone gets hurt. ❜
❛ i said i’d love you forever, and really meant it at the time. i guess that’s my problem. ❜
❛ kindness won’t save anyone. ❜
❛ for a long time i thought i deserved better. but the truth is we both deserve better than this. ❜
❛ i wish there was a word that meant “goodbye” for someone who was already gone. ❜
❛ i never meant to hurt you. you have to believe me. ❜
❛ we’ll always have yesterday. ❜
❛ hope softens the rough edge of every promise. ❜
❛ love is stupid. happiness is admitting we aren’t better than stupid. ❜
❛ you can’t always want what you get. ❜
❛ i wish i had a dollar for every dollar’s worth of work i did. ❜
❛ we are empty inside and hollow. hoping something sweet will make its nest in us. ❜
❛ we’re too far from help. ❜
❛ monsters are even more scary when you see them afraid. ❜
❛ we carry our own loneliness with us. ❜
❛ fake happiness beats genuine misery. ❜
❛ they always trust me to be someone who i don’t even want to be. ❜
❛ i cannot see where i want to go, only that i want the going.❜
❛ you are never here. you are always almost there. ❜
❛ you and me will die the way we lived, telling ourselves stories to make it mean something. ❜
blccms !
“don’t be sorry, baby.”
words come breathy and strained, an attempt to keep his voice from getting tight and hoarse. his own broken voice is not what dylan needs right now. stumbling around in the dim lighting of his bedroom, changing to slightly cleaner clothes while looking for his keys and wallet; scribbling a note to archie in illegible scrawl.
“i’m just gettin’ out the door now, i’ll be there soon. don’t feel bad, dylan, please. i’m GLAD you called.”
cracked porcelain skin , a guilty conscience cloaked beneath layer upon layer of violet - bruised tissue paper that clings so tight to fragile bones . head is laid ( not softly ) upon the counter , soft THUD forcing clear liquid to jolt in its glass - he looks out the window , watches the rain hit at random angles , SILENT for a long while ( aside from short , gasping breaths // half - hearted sobs // the occasional whimper ) after charlie speaks . voice cracks as soon as he opens his mouth . ‘ i’m SCARED , charlie . i don’t - i don’t know who i am anymore . ’
slimetony :
*SLAMS FIST ON TABLE* ow

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Send me “Hush, go back to sleep.” for my character to fall asleep in your characters arms.
vicioussuggestion:
im alive out of spite