I have no idea what I'm doing

Honestly it just sounds like your previous therapist(s) kinda sucked? Or that you weren't able to do enough of it to get far enough into it to adress everything. Or that you did the wrong kind. Like the whole analyzing your past and how your parents hurt you kind is great and all but I never found talk therapy helpful for me because I was already aware of all that. I was already aware my brain patterns sucked. But I just wasn't sure how to change them. I would get feedback like well it sounds like you're very self aware and have done a lot of thinking about it. Like I was done and that was it and i won therapy and that was the end goal. My issue was more about trying to override my emotional reactivity (eg I know i shouldn't yell at this person because I am angry and there are better ways to do that but I can't convince myself to handle this differently because I am just *so mad* I want to say mean things to them. Turns out that was probably partially autistic dysregulation, but anyway) but it sounds very similar to your whole I dont want to do exercise so I don't know how to convince myself to do it (I dont want to do breathing exercises or anxiety exercises or process my emotions because I am feeling too much. I know how to calm down but i dont want to calm down. When in reality it would be healthier for the relationshipfor me to calm before continuing the argument). It wasn't until I did a combination of DBT, CBT, and ACT that i started to see actual progress since these are mostly action-oriented practice-based therapies that gave me specific homework to do. Yes its another chore. Yes it feels boring and I couldn't always convince myself to do it ironically. But it teaches you how to untangle the "I dont want to do it" and practice overriding it (step 1 being believing that you actually can change and are capable of it eg by finding examples of ways that you already have as proof. It appeals to me because it feels rational which help as an overthinker and makes feeling feel more like thinking which was easier in a way). I can send you one of my DBT handbooks if it helps. Although it is autism focused I think it has broader applicability. And there is definitely overlap with adhd. I think something like this might help because it is a more practical solution rather than just continuing to thought spiral about it with other people. Which might partially be what you want.

Following this up to say that one of the benefits of doing actual therapy (in addition to resources like this. more skills available online) about it is the external motivation to actually work through the workbooks. They hold you accountable and help you do the exercises you don't want to do/don't understand. And if you don't want to do it they push you in kind of a "too bad, do it, it's good for you" way that I actually find helpful. I am also more motivated by not disappointing other people than by improving myself sometimes (something for therapy). It's not stupid if it works ig. It sucks that it costs money but in some ways the expense is motivating for me too (I'm paying money for this so it had better work. wait it only works if I actually put in the effort? damn. guess I have to).

okay, so poll round two because I'm an idiot

Gaston isn’t really even a villain.

falling asleep during the day: slipping away on a clouds so easy

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