Slave to Submission

To the submissives in my orbit:

Wanting to be beat, choked, even CNC? That's all FINE. Follow your bliss, do your role play, have your fantasies.

But stay away from these creeps. Do not engage in kink play with people you haven't met. Do not engage in kink play with people who do not respect you as a Person. Do not engage in kink play with people who "don't do aftercare." (Kink without aftercare is Abuse, full stop.)

Real, actual Dominant-types will open with vanilla conversation, be fine with sharing pictures and information about themselves, will meet you in a public, vanilla space before asking for your submission. They will negotiate scenes and dynamics, learn your limits and triggers. And they will engage in your preferred aftercare method.

I called my play partner this morning to set up an impact date with him and, as he usually does, he asked me what I wanted to get out of the scene. I told him where my head was at, how I was (and still very much am) struggling with the stress and grief of losing my father to cancer. I told him how I felt like a solid beating would help distract me from how awful I felt. How I felt like I needed to make my outside pain match my inside pain. He listened to me vent about everything I was going through and when I circled back to set up pre negotiations like we would normally do, he very gently told me he wouldn’t do a scene with me right now.

I’m going to be honest guys, I was stunned. Was he not listening to how stressed and sad and overwhelmed I felt?? I told him I needed it. Not wanted, needed. He, still very gently, said no.

He asked me to think about the emotions I was feeling- the anger, the grief, the stress, the desperation to feel anything but what I’ve been feeling. He asked me if I would do a scene with someone who was so consumed by those emotions, and I of course wanted to say yes. Wanted to convince him to give me what I felt like I needed so desperately. But in that moment I knew he was right.

I’m not in the headspace to safely and sanely consent to impact right now, and that’s okay.

We spent the rest of the phone call talking about other things I could do to self soothe in the meantime. Before we hung up, he reassured me that he said no because he cares about my safety and well-being.

I’m really lucky I have someone in my life who could easily recognize that I’m not in a place where I can safely and sanely consent, and who’ll put my needs before their wants.

Don't forget to call them beautiful after calling them a slut

Don't forget to soothe them after you've marked them

Don't forget to remind them of their worth after degrading them

🌸 so eager to learn your rules and commands or hand signs, so they do everything to learn and remember them really quick to satisfy you

🌸 the proud look on their face when they’ve just obeyed an order, and you know they really did it to please you, to earn that pat on their head or a gentle kiss on their mouth

🌸 “please, I want to be spanked, master”

🌸 that hectic, truly sorry apology when they did something they shouldn’t have

🌸 doing everything and anything to satisfy you

🌸 w o r s h i p

🌸 no need for training them in every session or even punish them at all because they really try to behave as well as they can

🌸 you can focus on more important things like helping them to endure more pain or difficult ideas

🌸 when they misbehave, you can enjoy that punishment so much and really let out your inner sadist because it just doesn’t happen as often

🌸 begging to be allowed to make you cum

🌸 begging to be allowed to cum themselves

🌸 “thank you so much for…”

🌸 doing the most humiliating things when you order them to, without any hesitation

🌸 rewarding them feels so good because you know they really, really want to be good and try their very hardest not to do anything to displease you

🌸 “Have I been naughty?” + a very honest look of discontentment on their face

🌸 you can literally reward them all the time because they’re so so so good

🌸 they love kneeling in front of you, it’s their greatest pleasure

🌸 the smile on their face when you give them a cute nickname (“yes, master, I’m good, I want to be good just for you”)

🌸 so fixated on you

I adore Tumblr. It’s a way to connect effortlessly with people who share a part of my life so few know about. I’ve been able to learn and explore things that would otherwise have been difficult to come across. But Tumblr has done it’s fair share of harm too. It’s easy to get lost in the glamorous images and sexy stories posted, and before long the grass looks a whole lot greener on the neighbor’s side of the fence.

It’s a constant effort to remind myself that these are snapshots of people’s lives, not complete images. And they’re photo-shopped, carefully chosen, edited ones at that. I have to be vigilant to be sure I’m not fooled into believing everything I see. I need to constantly remind myself that what I see isn’t necessarily a reflection of what exists.

Not every woman practicing BDSM is a size 0.

D/s couples disagree. Sometimes they fight.

The people in those pictures suffer from depression, PTSD, and anxiety.

Not every sub is female, and not every Dom is male.

Sometimes shit happens. (Quite literally, if you enjoy anal play.) Sometimes a position hurts, heads bang together, legs give out, or you end up roaring with laughter and not release.

Bondage doesn’t just happen. There’s preparation, and safety precautions, and chaffing. Those don’t show in pictures.

Not every sub can deepthroat a 9 inch cock.

For that matter not every man has a 9 inch cock. (Shocking, I know.)

People have bad days. Doms cry. Subs forget and act out.

Whether or not you enjoy anal, or humiliation, or bruising isn’t what defines you…on either side of the slash.

There’s nothing wrong with being a Top, or a bottom, and not wanting that dynamic to leave the bedroom.

And, on that note, Dominance and submission are not about kinky sex. You can fuck in the dark in the missionary position, or not at all for that matter, and still be in a power exchange relationship.

Ideas and Tips

These tips may vary depending on what your sub likes/enjoys or doesnt like/enjoy.

Try taking these into consideration before anything else:

Always ask how they feel, does anything hurt?

Make sure they know they are safe and you care about them

Simply ask if they need anything, Reassurance? A glass of water? Cuddles?

Respect if your sub needs some space, doesn’t feel like talking, or just wants to sleep

After Care Ideas

• Holding/ Cuddling your sub

• Praising them: ex. ‘You were such a good girl’, ‘You did so well’

• Treating any wounds: ex. from spanking, rope burn, etc.

• Putting a cold/warm wet compress on any welts, cuts, or bruises

• Kissing any welts, cuts or bruises

• Running them a warm bubble bath

• Wrapping them into a warm fluffy blanket

• Massaging them

(w essential oils, sensitive skin lotions)

• Watching their favorite movies, shows

• Listening to their favorite music*

*preferably soft, calm music

• Giving them a treat they enjoy

• Carrying them where ever they might need to go

The Importance of Aftercare

Aftercare is not only very important but essential, for both vanilla and kinky sex.

Sub drop is how a sub might feel depression/anxiety or even considering their self worth after sex, especially BDSM/Hardcore Sex.

It is very important to be there for your sub as well as reassure them that they are safe, and you care for them.

This is also when you tend to any wounds that may have occurred during sex, like welts, bruises, cuts or rope burns.

DO NOT:

Immediately leave your sub alone or unattended to for an extended amount of time after sex! especially after hardcore/rough/bdsm sex scenes.

Leave any wounds received by the sub unattended to

Try to jump into some unrelated activities THAT CAN WAIT, without proper after care; ex. asking them to do chores, get ready to go grocery shopping.

Failure to comply with essential aftercare risks the trust you and your sub share and your subs mental security after sex,

RUN THE DISHWASHER TWICE. 

When I was at one of my lowest (mental) points in life, I couldn’t get out of bed some days. I had no energy or motivation and was barely getting by.

I had therapy once per week, and on this particular week I didn’t have much to ‘bring’ to the session. He asked how my week was and I really had nothing to say.

“What are you struggling with?” he asked.

I gestured around me and said “I dunno man. Life.”

Not satisfied with my answer, he said “No, what exactly are you worried about right now? What feels overwhelming? When you go home after this session, what issue will be staring at you?”

I knew the answer, but it was so ridiculous that I didn’t want to say it.

I wanted to have something more substantial.

Something more profound.

But I didn’t.

So I told him, “Honestly? The dishes. It’s stupid, I know, but the more I look at them the more I CAN’T do them because I’ll have to scrub them before I put them in the dishwasher, because the dishwasher sucks, and I just can’t stand and scrub the dishes.”

I felt like an idiot even saying it.

What kind of grown ass woman is undone by a stack of dishes? There are people out there with *actual* problems, and I’m whining to my therapist about dishes?

But my therapist nodded in understanding and then said:

“RUN THE DISHWASHER TWICE.”

I began to tell him that you’re not supposed to, but he stopped me.

“Why the hell aren’t you supposed to? If you don’t want to scrub the dishes and your dishwasher sucks, run it twice. Run it three times, who cares?! Rules do not exist, so stop giving yourself rules.”

It blew my mind in a way that I don’t think I can properly express.

That day, I went home and tossed my smelly dishes haphazardly into the dishwasher and ran it three times.

I felt like I had conquered a dragon.

The next day, I took a shower lying down.

A few days later. I folded my laundry and put them wherever the fuck they fit.

There were no longer arbitrary rules I had to follow, and it gave me the freedom to make accomplishments again.

Now that I’m in a healthier place, I rinse off my dishes and put them in the dishwasher properly. I shower standing up. I sort my laundry.

But at a time when living was a struggle instead of a blessing, I learned an incredibly important lesson:

THERE ARE NO RULES.

RUN THE DISHWASHER TWICE!!!

She wasn’t looking for anything but porn really, just scrolling Tumblr mindlessly, pausing at the good stuff, rolling her eyes at the bad. She lay in bed, head propped up on her elbow, curves on display for no one as she lay on her side. 

She saw the message notification pop up before the ding sounded. Bored, she clicked on the box…

A week later, she opened her eyes and sighed happily. Master was sitting across the room at his desk, working on some project; pen scratching hard against his paper. She watched him for a moment, pushing herself up on both elbows in the fancy bed, luxurious comforter surrounding her like delicate clouds. He was the most handsome man she’d ever seen, the most kind and generous, the most alluring. He was the man of her dreams, of all of her dreams, now and before, and forever after. 

Suddenly, she couldn’t remember how long forever had already been. The thought blew through her mind like an annoying gnat, buzzing around and scrunching up her nose in confusion. 

Master heard her whimper and turned, bright blue eyes studying her face. “What’s wrong, little one?” he asked, deep voice pulling her from the whirlwind of confusion. 

She sat up and toyed with the comforter. “I can’t… remember,” she said softly, cocking her head towards him. 

“Remember what, darling?” 

“When,” she said with a childlike tone, her voice slipping the more she spoke. “I feel like I can remember things before being here but the room.,,and you..and I…” She stopped herself, feeling a wave of worry wash down through her body. She hadn’t felt worry in…well, she couldn’t quite remember when, and that made it so much worse. Her bottom lip began to quiver and her chest felt heavy. Tears were on the horizon. 

Master set his pen down and came to her, sitting on the edge of the bed by her hip. “My darling…” His fingers traced her cheek and she felt a rush of calm. “Shh…”

The calm pushed through her mind, sending her careening back into a deep, floating trance. She smiled blankly and stared up at her Master. 

“There’s my good girl.” He held her cheek gently, his warm hand keeping her focused even as her eyes began to flutter closed. “There’s no need to concern yourself with time anymore, is there?”

She shook her head slowly. “No, Master…”

“You’ve been here for over a week, my darling,” he told her, thumb caressing her bottom lip lovingly. “But you can’t remember all that, can you?” 

She blinked slowly and the pupils in her eyes grew huge. “No, Master. Can’t remember…”

“In your mind, you’ve always been here.” 

“A-always,” she slurred, tongue working slower as she dropped deeper for him. 

His fingers trailed down her throat and she moved with him, allowing him access to her body without pause; her will drained completely, her body obeying without verbal command. “You’ve been my entranced slave for so long that’s all you can remember. There’s no before, there will be no after. No time…no space… Only Master.”

Her eyes rolled deep and her chest heaved as his fingers reached the valley between her perfect tits. “Only…Master.”

He smiled and bent his lips to her open mouth, licking into her like fire lapping at a fallen leaf. “My good, good girl. No need for when. Only Master.“ 

This meme came across my dash earlier. I saw it a few years ago while in the midst of a silent treatment and it resonated. At that point, I was married to an emotionally abusive narcissist. I am hoping that by sharing this,” Doms” who choose to use this method will understand how harmful it is.  My silent treatment began as a result of my Dr. putting me on bedrest at 6 months pregnant. I won’t bore you with the episode that led to the treatment, but from that moment until I left a year and a half later, the only words he spoke to me were because he absolutely had to. (For instance, people were around, or he needed information he couldn’t otherwise do without) We lived in the same house, ate meals together, etc. but he wouldn’t look at me, or speak to me. This wasn’t the first time I had gotten the silent treatment. In the past, it had really hurt. This time… was different. This time, I was thankful. It meant I didn’t have to hear his negativity, his criticisms and put downs. I didn’t have to hear how everything was my fault. No more crazy gas lighting. In this year and a half…. I got stronger. I stopped caring about what he thought, or even what he wanted. For someone with a submissive personality, who lives to serve and please others, to stop caring…. that takes a lot. I formed a plan to escape, and I did. Wasn’t as smooth as I’d hoped, but I left. I never once regretted walking away from him. There was a moment when watching my children hurt over being bounced back and forth that I wondered if it was right… but even then, I didn’t regret leaving.  The custody battle was hell…. I felt very weak, but looking back, I do realize the strength it took. Not only to leave, but to fight. Long before I left, I learned how to live without him.  You may be thinking, I am not abusive. Maybe you would never give the silent treatment for more than a few days. Maybe you don’t feel you are otherwise abusive, and maybe you aren’t. Maybe you simply don’t understand what the silent treatment does.

In the beginning.. it is crushing. There is no punishment bigger than knowing you’ve disappointed the one you love. So just the idea that you’ve hurt or angered someone enough that they feel the need to further crush you by ignoring you.. feels devastating. She may even believe she deserves it. Which honestly is just worse. It reinforces an idea that she (or he, using female pronouns because that’s what applies to me) is worthless. I will assume at the very least, that if you have entered into a power exchange relationship, (or ANY kind of relationship) that there is genuine care and concern for the person who has put their life and well being into your hands. If the weight of that doesn’t convince you of the seriousness of this talk, please relinquish the title of Dom. Why would you want anyone to feel worthless? What infraction could possibly warrant making someone feel they have no value?

Once the crushing period is over, the next phase is numbness. If you continue to dish this out as punishment, she will get a point where she closes part of herself off. This should never be a goal for a Dom. In order for her brain to come to terms with the abusive behavior, she has to disconnect from her feelings about what is happening.  If your relationship wasn’t in trouble before, it’s in serious trouble now. She no longer feels emotionally safe with you, even if she doesn’t understand yet that is what is happening. She is more likely to hide things from you. Not out of rebellion or disobedience, but out of emotional fear. Many subs will walk away before it gets to this point, and they should. There will be those that stay for one reason or another. Just because they are still there, doesn’t mean it is healthy.  The last phase, is where it starts to strengthen her. You’ve taught her how to live without you. There will come a point where she realizes, that emotionally, she is already alone and can’t count on you. She’ll eventually figure out any other obstacles that may keep her there, finances or what not. Do you want to be the guy that puts her through any of these phases? Can you look in the mirror knowing you made someone feel like this and still think of yourself as a good guy? Would you stay with a sub who periodically felt you didn’t deserve her attention? Do you want to be the reason someone in the future feels it’s important to write a blog about guys who administer the silent treatment? Do you think it would be ok for a man to treat your mother, or daughter that way? Not that it should take that to understand how abusive it is, it shouldn’t, but if that’s the way this hits home to you, then think of it in those terms. Do you want anyone to make your daughter feel worthless and unlovable? A punishment should better your sub, not make her need therapy. 

Please… just stop. 

I have too much to add to simply reply in comments, so I’ll reply this way. First off, back atcha. If you don’t like my post, you can choose to leave it alone. You didn’t so I have to assume you think that only applies to others and not yourself.  Second, and far more importantly. Unless you have science or something better than your opinion and assumption then you opinion doesn’t hold any weight against my experience. I call it abusive because it is. I’ve probably heard from more than a 1000 people since posting this about how damaging just a day or a week was. And I am just a little blog with limited exposure. Choosing to use the silent treatment and not be open to the possibility you are wrong, says way more about you than it does me.  Thirdly… since I brought up science.. Let me throw some links your way so you can educate yourself. 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/201701/the-brutal-truth-about-6-types-quiet-verbal-abuse

https://pairedlife.com/problems/silent-treatment-abuse

https://www.learning-mind.com/silent-treatment-abuse/

https://www.quora.com/Is-it-true-that-being-ignored-causes-the-same-chemical-reaction-in-the-brain-as-experiencing-a-physical-injury

I am also going to tag @submissive-seeking, @natural-alpha and @submissvedreamer if she is around. As medical and clinical practitioners, they are far better than I am at explaining science.