1-800 murder me

Billy doesn’t know how he manages to act like a normal, vaguely irritated son for the rest of the phone call. Inside he’s white hot rage. The first thing he does when he hangs up the phone is shatter it. The whole apartment becomes a particularly fragile punching bag. When Stu gets home he looks at the destruction with bewilderment, and can only ask, “Did we get robbed man?”

Woodsboro is going to see another violent, tragic murder. That’s for sure.

Stepping into his childhood home for the first time in years makes him sick. Billy swears he can still smell his Mother’s perfume in the air, but he turns the corner and there’s another woman cooking and prancing around in her fucking kitchen like she owns the place.

Billy can’t wait to string her up by her intestines. To choke her with them. He’ll kill her first and make his father watch the entire thing. But however painful the step-whore’s death will be, Billy will make his father’s twenty times worse. That will be for his mother. 

Deciding he won’t be the only one pissed off this week, he brings along Stu for the family reunion. Maybe it was a little vindictive of him to ask Stu to marry him so they’d be engaged in time for the get together. But he was gonna get around to it anyways, eventually. Besides, Stu had laughed his ass off about it.

You don’t come downstairs when they first arrive and Billy wants to roll his eyes at your Mother telling him “she’s not usually like this, honest-” as if he could give a shit.

They’re not planning on killing you. They haven’t killed any kids yet, and even though Billy thinks about it- thinks about how much it would hurt your Mom to make her watch you die - the thought of killing you makes him uncomfortable. You’re just a kid. Not your fault your Mother is a whore and your new Step-Dad is a piece of shit. He’ll just make sure to psychologically torture her in some other way to make up for it.

When you slink your way downstairs in that petulant way that only kids can, Billy starts to rethink that not killing you thing. You spend all of dinner not saying two words to him, but you’ve got the nerve to scowl at him the entire time like he’s intruding in your house and you’re wondering when he’s gonna leave. Or die.

Knowing that appearance is everything, Billy makes sure to publicly bond with your mother. He goes grocery shopping with her. They get lunch. Anything to sell the image of a perfect family. Anything to alleviate suspicion when she winds up dead, alongside her new husband. Stu stays behind and babysits you.

At first you’re resentful of being watched at all. But Stu has a way with kids, his energy so much like one that it’s hard for them to hate him. In just a few days you’re thicker than thieves. So you start telling him things.

I hate playing family. / Mom only ever pays attention to me when people are around. / They’re always gone. / I think they both wish it was just them, that I wasn’t here-

Stu might not be the most empathetic person around (obviously) but something about the things you tell him makes him feel for you. You’ve got a sad little orphan Annie thing going on. Stu doesn’t know why he tells Billy that he thinks he should spend time with you, but he does. Billy, obtuse, thinks it’s to sell the lie better. So he takes you out to some shitty diner for a special “brother/sister” breakfast.

You moped in the car, you stomped your way into the restaurant, and you slouch in your chair when you’re seated. When he asks you if you want crayons to color with, you instantly know that he’s mocking you and "subtly” knock over your water, hoping to wet him. It doesn’t work, but he admires your spitefulness.

You only sit in silence pushing your food around for a bit before you break. “Your Dad sucks. I hate him.” Billy doesn’t stop to think about how he’s talking to a child before he says, “I’m sure he hates you too.” You don’t start crying big alligator tears, like he thought you would. He was already preparing for it, thinking about how he was going to have to bribe you with ice cream or something to stop you from crying. Instead you sink further into your seat, like you want to melt there, “He doesn’t hate me. He just wishes I wasn’t around.... neither of them want me around.”

Billy sits shell-shocked for a minute. Frankly, he’s never talked to a kid this long. He doesn’t remember how old you are but he doesn’t even think you’re eleven yet. He wonders what the hell the both of your parents are doing behind closed doors to make you feel that way. He knew his father was lousy, he’d already grown up with him. But your Mother had seemed normal. A little fake, but normal.

“What do you mean by that?” So you tell him. The way you told Stu. About the neglect. The long hours alone. By the end of it your little hands are balled into fists and your food is ice cold. The entire time Billy sat quiet. At the end you regret telling him anything. Just because he’s getting married to Stu doesn’t mean he’s nice like Stu. He’s probably just like his Dad.

You start to turn to the window, ready to ignore him until he decides to take you both home. You turn back around when he says, “Your Mom fucking sucks.”

You blink up at him, wide-eyed. You’re shocked he took you seriously. “Yeah, she does.” You finish eating your breakfast quietly but neither of you leave the diner feeling the way you did when you came in.

Thanksgiving passes by uneventfully. Billy and Stu are invited back for Christmas break by your Mother and they accept the invitation. Stu gives you both of their numbers and ruffles your hair, telling you not to be a stranger. Billy stands so stiffly while you say goodbye that you extend your hand for a handshake, not wanting to put either of you through an awkward goodbye hug. He laughs and tells you to take care of yourself.

When they come back for Christmas you’re actually outside to greet them when their car pulls up. You tell them about school. About the things you’ve been doing since you last saw them. About how you managed to watch some of the horror movies Stu snuck you, and you didn’t even have to sleep with the light on afterwards. They sit through it all dutifully and maybe even with amusement. You’re not the same withdrawn kid you were when they first met you, that’s for sure.

Billy is a little miserable , spending the holiday at home. He remembers all the traditions he used to do with his Mom. Putting up the Christmas tree. The lights. Burning cookies and icing them anyway, then trying again until they got it right.

He’s surprised at how the house isn’t decorated and you tell him your Mom isn’t very festive. He tells you your Mom can kick rocks, and hauls all the old Christmas stuff out of the garage and attic. You spend the weekend putting everything up together, you, Billy and Stu. Focusing on trying to give you a good Christmas actually distracts him from the way he misses his Mom.

He doesn’t realize it until it’s Christmas Eve and neither of your parents is in sight. You’re curled up on one side of him, and Stu is on the other. The house smells overwhelmingly of pine scented air freshener, and Frosty the Snowman is playing on the TV. You’re making an excellent case on why Frosty should actually count as a horror movie, and Stu is laughing but trying to argue with you about it anyway. He realizes this is the best Christmas he’s had in awhile.

The three of you fall asleep on the couch together. Billy wakes up a few hours later when your parents come stumbling in, drunk and shushing each other too loudly. It pisses him off, thinking about how they’d have probably gone out on the town and left you alone even if he and Stu weren’t there to stay with you. He wonders just how many times you’re left alone in this house that was too big and lonely for him even when he was a teenager, let alone a fucking kid.

He goes to put out a glass of milk for “Santa” along with the cookies when he runs into your drunk Mother in the kitchen, opening another bottle of wine like his Dad and her aren’t wasted enough.

“Thanks for looking after the kid this week. I know she can be a lot.” The words make him stop cold and he looks behind her, to the drawer that the knives are kept in and almost says fuck it. If the miserable bitch hadn’t wanted to be a Mother this badly she should have kept her legs closed.

“Yeah, no problem.” He has to leave before he fucks up the whole plan and kills her too early. 

He doesn’t wake you up so you can go up to bed on your own. For some reason he thinks about the last time he ever got carried up to bed and picks you up and takes you there himself. He remembers the feeling of waking up, drowsy but safe on his Mother’s shoulder. Of being tucked in, and then waking up in bed later, only vaguely aware that someone else put you there. He was younger than you are now, that last time. But he doesn’t think it matters that much. He doesn’t think you’ve ever gotten cared for like that before. That you were ever made to feel as loved as he was by his Mother. And that’s even with the fact that she up and left one day without a word. At least when she was around she was there.

So he puts you into bed, and tucks you under the covers, and sits beside you for awhile, just staring. He looks up when he feels like he’s being watched, only to find Stu in the doorway staring at him. They go to bed and don’t say a word to one another about it.

They get married in the Spring and you’re the ring bearer. You walk down the aisle ahead of Stu with a big grin on your face. You’re also Billy’s “best-man”. He’s not close to very many people, besides Stu, who he’s marrying. He wasn’t gonna have one at all but then he thought of you, and figured you’d get a kick out of him asking, at the very least. You looked like he’d given you a lottery ticket and hugged him so tight he was impressed. You were the guest screaming the loudest when they kissed and it made them laugh so hard they had to stop.

Summer hits and that’s when it’s going to finally happen. They come to Woodsboro to spend the summer. It’s to help with appearances, sure, but they’re actually looking forward to seeing you. They take you camping. You stay up all night watching movies. You drag them up onto the roof to look at the stars and it makes Billy smile, thinking about all the times he used to do it when he was a kid. His Mom would always yell at him, telling him he’d break his neck one day. You point to a place on the roof where he’d carved his name and he rolls his eyes when he sees that you crossed out his name and carved yours over it.

The weeks go quickly and before they know it it’s time to don their old costumes. Billy’s not as excited as he thought he was going to be. He doesn’t know why he’s starting to get second thoughts, he hates his Dad and despises your Mother even more. Until Stu asks him, hesitantly, “What’s gonna happen to Y/N?”

And there it goes. The reason his stomach’s been twisted up into knots. He doesn’t know what’s going to happen to you. It’s too late to back out of it now. His father’s been had this coming, and your Mother is as shitty as she can be without outright forgetting to feed you or keep the lights on. But what about the aftermath? Are you gonna get carted off by the state? Or shipped away to some distant relative who couldn’t give a shit about you? The thought makes him sick, but he doesn’t want to admit it. All he does is snap back at Stu, “Who gives a shit.”

Stu walks out and doesn’t come back till the next day.

They kill them and it’s their best work. They’ve had plenty of practice over the years. There’s crying, begging, pleading. They draw it out for a long time. At the end of it Billy’s father is whimpering, staring at the mangled corpse of his second wife and asking why. So Billy takes off his mask and tells him why.

They sneak back into the vacation home they’re renting and you’re just where they left you. Tucked in and sleeping soundly. Billy falls asleep with a smile on his face. Stu gets up twice in the night, restless. Each time he winds up outside your door.

A day later an officer shows up at your door, hat in his hands, and tells you that something awful has happened. Billy pretends to be shocked. Stu closes his eyes and tries not to think of how you’re definitely eavesdropping, too impatient for them to come and tell you what’s going on after the cop leaves.

Billy goes to identify the bodies and can’t help but think it is kind of hard to recognize them. If there’s anything he and Stu are good at it’s this.

He feels a lot less smug when he gets home and you’re sobbing your eyes out, clinging to Stu like he’s a lifeline. The moment he sits down next to you you throw yourself at him and he’s surprised at how quickly he wraps his arms around you. At the way he rocks you back and forth and tries his best to soothe you.

“What’s gonna happen to me, Billy?” You wail, helpless in the way only a kid can be. And Stu is looking at him over your shoulder and before he knows it he’s opened his mouth and said, “Nothing’s gonna happen to you. You’re my sister/brother. We’re family. We’re going to take care of you.” It doesn’t make you stop crying but he keeps saying it, over and over. You’re gonna be okay. Nothing’s ever going to happen to you. We’ll take care of you, we promise.