Nothing

I never should’ve shown you how much I cried

I just wanted to be loved, to belong

I just wanted to show my true self to you

Was that so wrong?

I wanted to help you grow, to improve

But you only wanted things to suit your mood

I saw you slipping

I tried to catch you

But all you wanted to do was fall

Could I have worded things differently?

Or did it have to be this way?

Were you meant to be taken from me?

Was I supposed to lose you?

You took everything I loved with you

And now I stand alone

The pain doesn’t stop

It doesn’t go away

It only swings like a pendulum between sadness and anger

Perfectly balanced

Will it ever stop?

The only way it will stop it is to break it

The only way to break it is to kill it

Is death the only answer?

The only healing for the pain?

If I fill this hole with new ones

Will I finally find peace?

You go silent and then lash out

I never know what will set you off

I fear for my life as I know it

Will today be the day you finally take what tiny pieces I’ve managed to keep?

I must stay silent

I must stay unseen

To keep what’s left I must pretend not to care

If you see me happy

You’ll take that too

You bastard

You prick

How dare you

You think you’re worth nothing

So you don’t think twice about the things you do

But your life affects those that care about you

We worry

We fear

We hurt for you

But when we try to take care of you

To point you in a better direction

You only respond with hate

I thought we were close

I thought you all cared

Friends shouldn’t take sides

But they all took yours

They never cared

They never cared

No one ever cares

But

Is that only my anxiety?

My own mind playing tricks?

Surely the new ones care

Right?

The smiles

The laughs

What do they hide?

Have I only become a burden for someone else?

An unwanted child they would’ve rather aborted?

The forever black sheep?

Too light for the darkness

But too dark for the light

I may live in an eternal contradiction

But you only surround yourself with those who echo you

I may never mature

But you will never grow

I struggle to see through the fog in my own mind

But you willingly blind yourself

You say your mind is open

But how can it be?

When it is closed to those who disagree with you?

You want to forget me now

To pretend I never existed

I don’t understand how things can change in an instant

One little message

That’s all it took?

Were you just waiting for this chance to get rid of me?

Or maybe that’s just my anxiety again

I cant tell the difference anymore

And no one is there to show me

Would I even believe them if they were?

They only want to be mad

To see one side

They pretend to understand

To welcome

But some problems can’t explain themselves

No matter how hard they try

They can’t identify what is part of them and what is not

Until its too late

Until people are hurt

Until everything

It’s safe, and no one can hurt me.

I keep my feelings to myself and never worry anybody.

They’re made of thick glass, so I can still watch everyone and pretend to be with them.

It gets lonely in here though.

Because it’s just me.

I’m never truly a part of anything.

Sometimes I wish I could step outside.

But I can’t.

I hate it here inside my walls.

They’re too thick for me to break.

Someone from outside could break them.

If they could see them.

Maybe they could see them if I tell them they’re there.

But I’m scared.

What if they hurt me.

What if they laugh at my feelings.

Here inside my walls, I keep my feelings to myself.

It’s safe, and no one can hurt me.