and they were roommates

“live fast, die young. bad girls do it well” I sing as I organize my sock drawer before going to bed at 9:30pm on a Friday night

you know how theres an official government office of preserving the french language? my life mission is to found a counter-organization to that, formally devoted to degrading and destroying the french language by any available means of psychological and cultural warfare

Just so you know there was a scene during my test screening of into the spiderverse where Peter Porker says fuck and I just went and watched the final film tonight and they cut it out. It appeared in a speech bubble with a bunch of symbols like “f$&@!”. He also had a horrifying line about one of his family members dying and it smelling like singed bacon that legit got gasps during the test screening but they cut that as well. I just want you to know they made John Mulaney say so much weird shit that did not make it into the final cut of the film and y’all better pray they put it in the extended features because I was DEVASTATED at some of the jokes they removed.

did U GUYS KNOW, that the way stores get the balloons off of the ceiling is with ANOTHER balloon, w tape on the top??? and they just dont cut the string so it’s like super long and u gotta aim it right n reel it in. i just found that out today when i DID IT and it’s been the best working day of my life i had a blast blowing up balloons and fetching some off the ceiling. i had so much power? and NO ONE ELSE in my department likes that job so now it’s MY job when need be

omg so I work at a museum and one of our buildings has a) very high ceilings and b) a bizarrely sensitive alarm system that will go off if anything touches the ceiling. Because of this, helium balloons are considered public enemy #1 and are strictly forbidden from entering the museum. But just in case an illicit balloon is successfully smuggled in, the museum has acquired a fucking b.b. gun for the express purpose of shooting down rogue balloons.

lawful good vs chaotic good

i wanna fall in love it sounds like fun

anal sneezes are cute as shit

sorry iphone the word i was looking for was “animal” sneezes better luck next time

Is he an alien

This is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen

🙄😲

🖐🏾 Negative. I don’t want no nigga in jail telling me how gorgeous I am. Females on the otherhand crave and need attention. They don’t feel as beautiful as they think they are unless their being told so.

Real talk, my guy, you’re the dumbest bitch alive lmao

think it’s a good sign that 2019 is starting on a tuesday.. tuesday again ? no problem