~atillissai~

Another #Revoice done. I am exhausted, as the most sleep I’ve had on any one night is about 4 hours. Average was 2-3. But that exhaustion is worth it, and also, for whatever reason, my body has mutated into being able to function for more than a day with minimal sleep. (A blessing of being in my 30s? Also, I guess I CAN raise a baby.) I am emotional, realizing the strengthening of my friendships and connections are not temporary or 🎶 just a feeling 🎶 but longer term, with permanence. I have teared up more with my goodbyes than on any of the last trips, which says…something. Also, on this trip, there were new connections, most unexpected, all heartwarming. I am concerned over the coming weeks and months, wondering how people will handle the return to reality, how “life be lifin’”. I am hopeful that people will have soft landings, that the burdens of life will not be as weighty, that the joys in the everyday would be more obvious. I am grateful for these people that I’ve met, who are as vibrant and varied as refracted light but come together as a harmonious, unified rainbow. The past year has many firsts, but this trip specifically had my first Korean spa experience as an adult, and I never knew that nakedness could be so safe. (And for the 8 of us, well, there’s no turning back from it either!) Beyond all that, though, I see and feel the beauty in everyone, so unique, but with a solid through line intertwined with our hearts — our history, our hurt, our healing, our hope. I am in awe of my God who started this all one year ago. Who knew that so many “coincidences” would lead to this? I certainly did not; I had more fears than expectations the first time I stepped foot into that Texas church. But taking steps can lead to new adventures, as I’ve learned. I am expectant, excited for the future. There will be ups and downs and sideways moments, and nothing will ever be perfect, but I know that there will be more growth, more healing, more love, more faith. And more grace, always more grace. And more trips my gosh! I am ready, but not ready, to go home. https://www.instagram.com/p/CjiuE2OpWLIeaAXtvpHTYSxTBbk85WAq6Xqphw0/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

So much can change in 12 months. I did not own any of these bags, for example. More seriously, though, last year, I was nervous as heck going to this conference called Revoice. I knew what it was for, roughly, but I had no idea what to expect. I thought that I would be a drop of yellow in a sea of white. I had a great start to the trip since I was in Vegas first (yay $10 boba @ Din Tai Fung and sushi memories with @iamadambeasley), but then I had to face the reality of this big question mark. 12 months later, I’m excited. I’m looking forward to reunions, of seeing faces I haven’t seen in months. I can’t wait to see others for the first time in person after seeing them only on a screen. Of course, I’m anticipating some fabulous finds at yet another Simons Premium Outlet. But really, it’s all about the people, people that I consider close friends, people that understand me in ways that others before haven’t, people that have been safe and welcoming (and a blessing) from the get-go. Send me your prayers and well wishes — for safety and health, for on-time planes, for beautiful reunions and connections, for hearts to be moved, for people to be relieved and comforted and seen. And for the Canadian dollar to be stronger over the next few days. https://www.instagram.com/p/CjO0_Q_pOyJ37cnzveUgl5Lwr4nqI36gE-2tlg0/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

The selection for My twenty-first Mother’s Day Marigold roses A windy visit My time to say hello with Another goodbye I’ll see her again It’ll take a lifetime but Hope carries me through Many have reached out To all of my beloveds My heart says thank you https://www.instagram.com/p/CdUu21bO16Z45CYteCh9uumD4yGbw0wm-PKoJk0/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

15 years my goodness. Where has the time gone? I’m too tired to say much — this stretch from April 28 to May 2 has just been brutal — but it’s still surprising that I have this job that I fell into because a friend’s dad ultimately reminded me that I wasn’t going to be at Quiznos forever. (Good times.) This job isn’t perfect and there are definitely things I would change; also, being a customer service job in part means that I won’t always have the best interactions with people. But I only cried once at this job so there’s that! And more seriously, I learned a lot — about the industry, about life, about people, about myself. (While it’s annoying that I had to work my first Saturday in years (and my first time going in for actual file work), it was nice to work in peace and at my own pace.) I know that I have the support and care and respect of many, and I promised my boss’s sister I’d stick around, so I’ll be here for a while longer. But please let the chaos in the market stop; I don’t know how much more I can handle THAT. https://www.instagram.com/p/Cc_ntV-Pu9DwCJM9UClrjCC5igDLNzQN2v5lkk0/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

Another #tbt but this one is only from four years ago. How time flies. https://www.instagram.com/p/CbOvlSjus6Qpb-Xe_cd9s9HgHJI01vI6MY1l8Y0/?utm_medium=tumblr

For this #TBT I wanted to be festive and show that I HAVE RANGE! https://www.instagram.com/p/CWcX40zryQYteyFGG2BZDlwj2SgE7Nt46maXH00/?utm_medium=tumblr

20 years. 20 years of missed opportunities and festivities, of Mother’s Days and birthdays devoid of celebration, of unsaid conversations and “I love you”s. 20 years of reliving memories, of acknowledging guilt, of processing grief on top of life’s other complexities and complications. 20 years of an emptiness in my heart that never truly disappears, but over time it is less a cavern and more a valley. 20 years of a goodbye without a hello to ever follow in my lifetime. 20 years of having truly wonderful people beside me, walking with me as far as they could, consoling and caring for me in ways unexpected. 20 years of deconstructing my beliefs and discovering my own faith. 20 years of learning how to properly express my heart to those around me, in order to never experience that type of regret again. 20 years of realizing the beauty and power of love. 20 years of looking forward to our reunion, of building that hope for the future, of looking beyond the visible, immediate present. 20 years of missing you. 엄마, 기다려줘. 사랑해. https://www.instagram.com/p/CWYdTiappG0cfTr_JA9lcQKehSLiLwRzeZBLi00/?utm_medium=tumblr

If everyone can go into their archives, why can’t I? Here’s another #fbf where I was waiting at church for people, at HCF’s first building. https://www.instagram.com/p/CV57zZMvJg6O6w_KUqbOAbgcRfEnnscGuPVxTU0/?utm_medium=tumblr

#TBT to when I was so bored before work I had a photo shoot with my Quiznos uniform on. #quiznosnexttopmodel amirite? https://www.instagram.com/p/CVl7GpePm2mjeSSQ5WBvgA38UYP8zQOKte75JU0/?utm_medium=tumblr

This may be my last masked Sunday while on worship. I can finally show my entire face on camera. https://www.instagram.com/p/CRMqe-rh5lll2KXcLbIiWzGy82MzVNwk-w3-Bw0/?utm_medium=tumblr

#frazzledfriday #IAmASpiceGirl https://www.instagram.com/p/CQkc7EXgGETPjmevgGrpdus8pRkDwXbYKpubaU0/?utm_medium=tumblr

So I had my second shot of Moderna yesterday and I do not feel horrible, thankfully. I was able to go to work this morning and put in a full work day. However, as I was going through the day, I felt my energy being sapped like I was touched by Rogue. I was exhausted by the time I left the office. I tried to take a nap after work but all I did was do around in bed for an hour and a half — which, side note, isn’t a bad thing. My sister made dinner and is now buying Vitamin Water and McDonald’s ice cream for me so yay for living with family. And a vehicle. https://www.instagram.com/p/CQceZYRgeBtxcMMyEw5l52NsShfBiP0SNneOTc0/?utm_medium=tumblr

Bonnie Doon brings out my creative energy. https://www.instagram.com/p/CPhcy0aAhHOlqxCyKDIqIFaVUaR90QFsSu-_fY0/?utm_medium=tumblr

My first time buying flowers at Walmart. And most likely the last because MY GOODNESS they are poor quality. There was a bouquet of half-dead roses and I wonder how long they were there. Anyway. This year has been a blur so today was almost just another day. I didn’t have the emotional dreams from last year and today was oddly numb. Maybe I’m just so stressed anxious over everything else that today was almost light in comparison. I’m grateful that today was not the rainy mess that yesterday was. I’m thankful for the friends who checked in. I’m at peace knowing that I have a faith that takes me beyond the seeming finality of death. But never again am I buying flowers at Walmart if I can help it. See you, 엄마. https://www.instagram.com/p/COq6imxg4oRgrCELqzdi-PHWX-MwmvcrW6L7D40/?igshid=1qfax24f6xf2t

HI IT’S MY 14TH ANNIVERSARY AT HIGHFIELD AND IT’S THE BUSIEST DAY OF THE YEAR SO FAR https://www.instagram.com/p/COS027lAhWrE1SLabkvxMW7MXJG3iEQQ1t_jlw0/?igshid=12igrfpeilgza

One year into a pandemic but make it fashion. Featuring transition lenses. Cuz I’m old. https://www.instagram.com/p/CM76dh_hXVznGEurFkunVLyyW205AOS8vr3qFc0/?igshid=13vpg9kvzkzk6

Today, after 14 years of Highfield, was the first time I broke down sobbing cuz of a client. To clarify, I have cried at work before, but for other, personal reasons. This was specifically cuz of a client who treated me with such disrespect and distrust, who used a miscommunication as a reason to blow up at me during our meeting and would continue to approach things with me antagonistically. I knew today would be stressful. I only had 4 closings but each one had issues — one so rushed I only started the day before, one where the lender found a last-minute issue the afternoon before, one where the sides were fighting and basically hating each other, and this file. My stomach was not happy. And of course this file was the last file to finish. And after my last phone call with the client, I broke down. I hated feeling like I couldn’t meet their standards, and I hated how every move was judged. Moreover, I was concerned this would affect how the realtor would see us (I called her crying to say that I would understand if she would stop using us and she said that that would not happen). This client was the reason for my poor sleep this week as I feared that it wouldn’t end on a peaceful note (I mean, the deal finished, so there’s that). I realized in that moment how the past 11 months have worn me down, especially in the last few, where I haven’t been able to see any friend for more than a few minutes (other than my coworker and church people, and even then it’s not normal). I can deal with a LOT, but right now it seems like my capacity is less. For obvious reasons. I’m okay. Really, I’m okay. I’m not great, but I’m okay. But please, remember to give each other grace and patience and love. Even if you feel wronged, even if you may have every right to be angry, there’s no need to push others to the edge when they’re already there (and when everyone is pretty much there). Thank you to the ones who know me and care for me and love me and let me be me. https://www.instagram.com/p/CLxmUAfgscNZvTwqdIkvF7Oqni2ZzaArwbZX_c0/?igshid=1dwoqmnojaamf