B.

I think people forget that I am fucked up too. Today I cried all the way to school and then cracked jokes in class, while doing in take paper work for my psychiatrist, as of nothing was wrong with me. Then I lied about wanting to kill myself because I don't want to be in a hospital. Oh and then I told someone that I lied about it and that I want to die. And they said "that's normal, sometimes you don't have a reason...you just do"

Well I'm gonna do it. And I'm not gonna have to worry about me not knowing what is in the future, my anxiety, I'm no longer going to be a financial burden because I can't get my shit together. I'm gonna do it so my mom can live her life without my grandmother chiming in every 10 seconds because I did something. I'm gonna kill myself so I can no longer be a terrible kid to my parents because I'm so fucking entitled! I'm so fucking needy. I have to have attention and be in the center but at the same time, I dread being in the center of attention.

I'm gonna kill myself because I no longer want to be a step child of my step dad and my actual father. I'm gonna die because I will never be able to grasp that I can get better. I've tried and I haven't gotten better. All it is...is just baby steps just to swan dive into failure. I'm trying to trust God but right now...I would rather just be in His arms in person.

Funeral plans: I want to be cremated and put in a lantern on the beach in Cape Town, South Africa. Just let my light go and drift away.

How: I will either take a bunch of pills or I'm gonna jump off the lewisville bridge by the lake in Little Elm. Little Elm because that's where the worst time of my life happened. Where I realized life was sorta worth living but not all the way.