pathetic little diary

It's So Funny i feel extremely unstable

Another one for the book boys! Bad time

Life getting harder and stupider. suicidal thots returning .

ok. ok. ive done enough. theres nothing i can do. its useless to try and help. it doesnt involve me anyway. best to just stay out of it.

Nobody will help me die. Do you all want me to be miserable

I think the main reason. Why I stopped posting on here is bc I got a better support system. I finally have someone to talk to. So I don't need to shout into the void anymore. But sometimes I still do.

i... think i just have to accept that i'm not a very good friend. and i'm not fishing for compliments or validation but i just ... cant keep up w/ it. i'll text one person like a billion times a day for a year or two and it eventually peters out .... i kinda want to be friends with everyone but i stretch myself too thin or .... maybe i just have to accept that friends are temporary ..... and i'll just have to keep changing them out for the rest of my life. and that makes me kinda sad. i dont want to keep sharing myself with people knowing nothing will come of it. i'm not looking for love just.... friendship. companionship. someone to talk to. someone to laugh with. someone to feel better with. i don't know

Tbh im tired of waking up scared

i was thinking about killing myself again but then i realized thats soooo hard i hope i just passively dehydrate n die

i lose steam really fast. i lose motivation very quickly. i get swallowed up by my toxic perfectionism and prefer to give up, rather than have to look at my failed piece and everything i did wrong in it. its demotivating and humiliating to think i could even attempt it. what a fool.

Hard work? i haven't worked hard. sometimes it feels like i can't, but i know i can. and i still don't do it. interesting

i often think abou5 the fact that Virginia Woolf was a celebrated writer who killed herself in her 40s. perhaps thatll be me one day. but i've always aimed to kill myself while i was still cute