Skin'n'Bones

Hi 👋

time for introductions

You can call me Void,

since this blog is pretty much just me screaming into the Void.

English isn't my first language, so sorry for any mistakes, please correct me if you find any ^^

I'm non-binary, and prefer they/them (befitting the Void)

I'm in my mid twenties,

and have been diagnosed around a decade ago.

My current diagnosis are:

autism, ADHD, BPD, cPTSD, PTSD, and an anxiety disorder ✨

I'm also physically disabled, I can walk, but currently only with crutches and can't stand for more than a minute.

I had thought I was pretty much clean for a while now, but recently realized I had still hurt myself over the past couple year's, just not in the typical sense.

My hobbies include:

cross-stitch/ embroidery, youtube let's plays, greek mythology and animal fact's. And some other hyper fixations sprinkled here and there.

I also used to hike at least once a week, which was my main coping mechanism. But that is impossible for... idk maybe forever

DNI:

minors, pedos (i can't believe I have to even say this), anti- recovery, and haters.

carving myself open

in hopes of finding who I am

I have molded myself into so many forms

I have forgotten what I started as

Was I always made of clay

Or was I broken so badly

The only thing I could become

Was something easily shaped

I could mold clay

found this in my notes app, it is fitting for Mother's Day and an extension of whet I wrote yesterday

Motherly Hate

I'm looking for the reason you despised me in the diagnosis, searching for new ones when the old ones don't answer anything Your words of 'i love you' have rang hollow for nearly two decades now Since I saw the duality of you Since I walked on eggshells around you Since you made me responsible for your moods How could you hate a child? Looking for intentions in the actions of a six year old Why did you think I did it on purpose When I clearly struggled I will never love you the way a child should love their mother As you will never love me like a mother should love her child Do you hate yourself so much that you can't love what you created? Do you hate your mirror image, because it reflects your worst traits? Do you hate what you created, Because it contains all you hate about yourself? Do you hate me because I am everything and nothing like you? Only seeing the worst of you and the worst of him? Can you not see me? I am so much more than you and him. But you could never see me, Only the mirror of yourself.

Being in your mid twenties and realising just how much your parents fucked you up is exhausting.

I have seen you twice in the past twelve years, yet the tone you used when you told me I was dead to you will never leave me.

You still tell me I'm not good enough, that it's my fault, that I could be perfect if I just tried harder.

He will always be with me, his voice always mine when I criticize myself.

I have seen how you changed, Mother, and where you haven't. I try to keep you in my life, even tho you where worse in so many way's.

The child in me is still afraid of you, still walks on eggshells and puts everyone before their own needs. Not just with you, Mother, but with everyone.

You have taught me from such a young age that I am responsible for others emotions, lest I be screamed at and told I should be happy that you do not hit me the way you've been hit as a child, that I should be grateful you did not lock me in the basement, only wearing my underwear in the middle of winter, since that was done to you. I wasn't even ten yet when you screamed this at me Mother.

Was I that unlovable? Was I born wrong? Was I to much of a mirror and you couldn't handle seeing your worst parts reflected back at you? What was is, Mother? What would bring you to treat a Child that way?

I must have done some things right when I was older, since you told me about all your problems when I was 15. When I was still a child, dealing with all the emotions that come with my parentage.

You told me you wanted to drive your car into a tree on your way to work.

You wanted me to be your therapist, your caretaker, your saviour.

You wanted me to be the person you never had growing up, and with that you refused me the parent I needed.

Happy Mother's Day,

I am on two anti depressants and an adhd medication! Why am I still so god's damn depressed. I can't even get out of bed most days. Constantly having to silence my thoughts with ✨something ✨

If it's not with background noise from shows or YouTube that I barely perceive, then something more drastic has to be done.

Why am I like this, I barely $H for 4 years and now I'm back at it again, not as often as I used to but so much deeper.

I am not in danger of actively doing something I couldn't take back. I just want to perish, disappear and be forgotten.

Or sleep for more than three hours at a time, that would be a start. But no, even with all the meds I'm on, I still only get two hours of sleep. TWO...

✨I'll post an introduction when I have the energy, right now I'm too exhausted to stay awake and too mentally ill too sleep ✨