pieces

tame your demons

not to my feelings, not to my fears, not to my doubts

emptiness creeps its way up my throat

makes me await in peace - another burnout

finally relieved by the pressure of achievement and inner self doubt,

but dont be fooled, give it another day,

it messes with my brain, it messes with my feelings

so much that im not even myself anymore, so intensely that i just wanna walk out

im tired of feeling the same old guilt and shame and discomfort

striving for a heaven

whilst trying not to burst into tears every second im alone

whilst they´re driven by my fear of confrontation

the amount of times i´m a horrible person in other peoples heads drives me crazy

and makes me even more afraid

overwhelmed by a thousand things

I need to learn to communicate

but i´m way to afraid

to get hurt along the way

but this way i´m never truly myself

I always keep a major part of me to myself

afraid of judgement but more so of closeness

arrhythmic heart,

shaking hands,

and a racing mind

exhaustion and mental overload,

physical draining while I´m working like a machine

feeling stabbed in the heart

whilst lying on the floor crushed by all the expectations

it feels like it's all about fulfilling others peoples needs 

whilst I´m not even sure who I am

can't cope with all the versions there are of me

in the heads of others, which I´m supposed to fulfill

trying to find myself 

whilst trying to flee into the arms of a person who likes me that way

but what am I supposed to find when I´m not even sure what to look for?

*I have no responsibility over the feelings of others

*i have no responsibility to feel something I don't

a feeling of being worn out

cant find a balance, no motivation in sight

feeling lost, ugly and sleep-deprived

searching for happiness by chasing highs

at the same time i'm crying myself to sleep every night

feeling exhausted after staring at screens all the time

the pressure of life breaks every single bone of mine

loneliness whilst standing in a crowd

restlessness whilst experiencing the warmth of home

bored and unhappy, insecure and annoyed by every little thing

hating myself for irrational thoughts and hating my life

with my body being at it's worst

and my mind racing

searching for a solution

with every minute passing, the situation seems more and more hopeless

why am I so weak? why don't I feel like everybody else? 

the height of the house suddenly doesn’t seem so significant

my heart’s racing while i’m fully numb

while not being able to cope my throat’s burning and cording up

the smallest actions seem irrelevant with the underlying sadness sucking me under

the night brings out my deep-sea and tears are the mediator

as life seems replaceable, the night wakes up my true self

loneliness, hate, disgust, all the same

all the same ugly feelings, they block your throat

so that you can´t even cry it out

and even if silently a tear rolls down your side

still you feel the weight of your sadness, am I right?

the stream sucks you in without any single doubt

every conversation seems irrelevant, every contact meaningless

the daily routine seems like a prison itself

hiding our inner mess, bury it behind bookshelves

chaos seems so familiar now, makes us feel home

even though it´s the most toxic feeling of all

experiencing comfort in a depressive state

that is what takes all the faith away

while at the same time feeling nothing at all

feeling worthless, feeling hurt,

while nothing has happened at all

the mixture of craving and fear,

is eating me up on the inside

feeling wrong, feeling ill,

while crying myself to sleep

selflove and acceptance seem non-existent

while the tears and the doubt are frequent,

waiting for something to take me away from here,

paint your death

smile in the broken mirror

attempt a theft

build a house

name it home

smile in the broken mirror

flee from the monochrome

start a challenge

get a win

smile in the broken mirror

call yourself a sin

doom your instances

hate your sphere

smile in the broken mirror

why do i feel like life is so hard?

why do I feel like i´m falling under a thousand stars?

 love is a construct of disruption

ruining good days

and bad ones are turned into an even bigger maze

 a maze of thoughts

with orders as well as aims

with goals as unreachable as you loving yourself

 i´m broken, I don´t understand

loneliness, hate, disgust, all the same

all the same ugly feelings, they block your throat

so that you can´t even cry it out

 and even if silently a tear rolls down your side

still you feel the weight of your sadness, am I right?

you keep on trying to break free, to break out

but the stream sucks you in without any single doubt

 every conversation seems irrelevant, every contact meaningless

the daily routine seems like a prison itself

but still we switch on our profile, day by day, hiding our inner mess

the deepest feelings we don´t share, bury them behind bookshelves

 chaos seems so familiar now, makes us feel home

even though it´s the most toxic feeling of all

experiencing comfort in a depressive state

that is what takes all the faith away

 it´s fine, it´s ok, get up and use some clay

feel like i dont have time - time to feel - time to stop and breathe

feel like everythings too much - feel tired just thinking about that

everything is new, - nothing is familiar

no one there - no one to trust

always on the run - always overthinking