me? probably

FINALLY GOT TO ADD MOIRA!! This is an updated version of my previous support piece!

I mean, who looked at an elephant, gigantic creature thoroughly capable of killing someone if it has to, and thought “I’m gonna ride on that thing!”?

And put a human near any canine predator and there’s a strong chance of said human yelling “PUPPY!” and initiating playful interaction with it.

And what about the people who look at whales, bigger than basically everything else, and decide “I’m gonna swim with our splashy danger friends!”

Heck, for all we know, humans might run into the scariest, toughest aliens out there and say “Heck with it. I’m gonna hug ‘em.”

“Why?!”

“I dunno. I gotta hug ‘em.”

“Yes, it’s the first time that I’ve worked with these species, but they come highly recommended. Say, you’ve worked with a few, what tips can you give me? I’d hate to have some kind of cultural misunderstanding if it’s avoidable.”

“The first rule of working with humans is never leave them unsupervised.”

“Wait, what?”

“I’m serious. Don’t do it. Things. Happen.”

“But wait, I thought that I heard you highly recommended that every crew should have at least one on board?”

“Absolutely, and I stand by that. Humans are excellent innovators, and are psychologically very resilient. If you have a crisis, then a human that has bonded wth your crew properly can be invaluable. Treat your human well and you should get the best out of them as a crew member. Their ability to get on with almost any species is legendary.”

“But Toks, didn’t you just say…”

“The trouble is that they will potentially try to bond with anything. If you leave them unsupervised, you have no idea what kind of trouble they can get themselves into. It was sheer luck that the Fanzorians thought that it was funny that the human picked up the Crown Prince to coo at him.”

“Crown Prince Horram, Scourge of Pixia?”

“The very same. Surprisingly good sense of humour. But don’t even get me started on that one time with the Dunlip. Al-Human wanted to know if they could keep it. As a pet.”

“A Dunlip? You mean the 3 metre tall apex predators from Jowun?”

“Yup. Don’t leave your humans unsupervised.”

“Realizing the havoc their species created with their bonding needs, Earth has been kind enough to create an inter galactic ‘pet’ shop as they call it, the order forms are on the bridge.”

“If they get a pet this should prevent any knife welding auto-cleaners?”

“Yes…”

“You don’t sound very reassuring.”

“Well… You have to understand that some of what humans find attractive about their ‘pets’ is actually what makes them dangerous. Not all of what they consider ‘safe’ is what we would consider ‘safe’.”

“OK… I am getting a little nervous about this.”

“No, no, it’s fine, I’m just saying you should maybe keep an eye on what they order. Ask them to describe the creature before they get it. For example, the first time I had a human on board I let them order a pet without checking what it was.”

“What happened?”

Well, when it arrived it was a 25 pound fanged and clawed feline creature called a Savannah Cat. My entire crew was terrified of it, it was agile and could easily have seriously injured someone, but the human had no fear of it. They insisted on carrying it around like a child, and they would squeeze it’s ‘beans’ as they said, forcing the creatures claws out, and then they would show people it’s deadly claws while saying, and I quote, ‘look at its adorable claws, this is what it uses to kills things, isn’t it cute?’“

“Seriously?”

“I have also heard stories from other crews that their humans ordered canines that weigh as much or more then they do, and they sleep next to the giant creature.”

“Is there a problem?”

“It is the size of my hand, has eight legs, and there is a label on the box that reads VENOMOUS.”

“This must be a mistake. Let’s find Mei-human and see if she can explain how this happened.”

They found Mei-human working in the science lab…

“Mei-human, your bonding pet has arrived but there seems to have been a mistake made in shipping.”

“Oh, no! Captain, did Fluffy die?”

“Fluffy?” The captain moved six tentacles in confusion. “Who is Fluffy?”

“My Martian Fur Spider,” Mei-Human said. “You told me I could order anything as long as it was cute and loveable.”

“Mei-Human,” said the bosun, “our understanding is that arachnids are considered frightening to humans.”

“Well, some people don’t like spiders, but I think they’re adorable! I already picked out a name and made a small habitat for it in my quarters. Fluffy will love it.”

The captain and bosun exchanged worried pheromones. 

“What about the warning of venom?” the captain asked.

“Oh, Martian Fur spiders don’t produce enough venom to kill anyone, even when they’re grown. I checked to make sure Fluffy couldn’t hurt the crew. The bite will only itch, but they can be trained not to bite.”

The captain flapped its gills in a breathy sigh. Humans… “Very well. We will unleash the Fluffy.” 

The captain and the bosun walked Mei-Human to her quarters and delivered the small box containing Fluffy the Martian Fur spider. As the doors opened they saw that Mei-Human had cleared her longest wall and stacked balls of yarn over most the floor.

“Mei-Human,” the captain said as a feeling of dread filled its soul, “how large will Fluffy grow?”

“Oh, no one has ever grown a Martian Fur spider larger than three meters before. She’ll fit in the ship, no problems. I measured the corridors. And they can curl up very small when they want to. The yarn is just there to give her something to cuddle in when she sheds her outer skin.” 

Mei-Human smiled cheerful as she released a glistening red creature with luxurious fur and two-inch fangs onto her floor.