NHIE (NEVER HAVE I EVER)

Never have I ever been met with such force that I forgot to turn the water on and now everything is soaked in sweat and blood 

Never have I ever kissed a boy and not immediately fallen in lovehell, broken my teeth, lost everything like a casino and ruined my own life (whatever, I still wouldn’t change a thing)

Never have I ever given it all up at the drop of a hat, like a shot in the dark, strung out in Hollywood with the lights off and the moon full and the ghosts of my exes following me into head shops (I don’t regret any of my matching tattoos, I don’t regret you)

Never have I ever fallen from the sky and into a dirt lot across the street from our hotel where we told each other secrets on top of a gravel mound and made a whole lot of something out of nothing

Never have I ever drank cheap white wine out of a brown bag with a girl I barely loved on a holiday inn bench somewhere in Indiana and let her bite into my soul like a perfect pink apple (not ever, not once)

Never have I ever lost myself on the side of a highway and hitch hiked my way back to sanity just so I could say hello to a man with brown eyes and a bat tattoo who never cared about me and never will but it doesn’t matter because I laid in the middle of the street for him like a starfish and he ran over me with his car and I still have the tire marks, those you can’t take back

Never have I ever said no when god has asked to smoke me out, even though we end up fucking and it’s never like how I thought it would be

Never have I ever gotten an injection that felt like Jesus in a tidal wave, hanging from the dashboard, telling me lies that taste like dope sugar poison and maybe that’s why I feel so empty, so haggard

Never have I ever believed what my television told me, the colors are too bright to be true 

Never have I ever had a new crush and not bitten the head off, slurped up the blood, devoured the bones, licked up the flavor, every last drop

Never have I ever told a bitch to her face how fucking mean she is because the truth needs to be said but this is not something we value as a society anymore

Never have I ever tried to escape a doom so imminent that all I had was a stack of pennies, a condom and a wallet with nothing in it but a black and white photo of people I no longer recognized