How Soon Is Now?

Yesterday I got teacher of the month and today I cried out of exhaustion and frustration. Life is hard. No matter how good things get, they still suck.

Re-reading that last messages we sent to each other and I just want to scream. I fucking miss you so damn much.

I fucking hate being here without you.

In three weeks, it’s going to be two years without you, and I’m still waiting for the days to get easier.

I just accomplished my biggest dream, and I can’t run and hug the person who inspired me to do this in the first place.

Second Christmas without my brother. At least my parents and I are on the same page and agree it’s something we can’t bring ourselves to celebrate.

“Because if you can think of a reason, any reason at all, why the universe is so screwed up and random and mean, now would be an amazing good time to tell me because I really need some answers”

I wish my parents would stop bugging me about my weight. I wish they how hard it was to go to school and work and stay thin. I wish they knew that I go on at least a walk once a day and it still does nothing. I wish they knew that I can’t fucking stand working out because it’s the time when I miss my brother the most. I wish they knew we used to sneak out at 4 am to go for runs and bike rides and do push ups and sit ups at the sand box by our house. I wish they knew the last time I went to the gym was the day before he passed. I wish they knew that I hate going on runs because it makes me feel good and I don’t want to feel good because I’m not ready too because all I want to do is bury myself six feet deep

Grief changes people. I know I’m not the same person anymore and if I’m being honest I feel like I don’t even remember who I used to be.

It’s my second birthday without you and all I can do is replay in my head the last one I spent with you and wonder how many fucking more I have to have without you.

Just landed in Mexico and the fact that my brother isn’t going to be outside the gate waiting for me with the biggest hug us ripping me to pieces.

My mom got in a car accident the other day and completely totaled her car. And the only thing I wanted to do was call my brother and let him know she was okay. Fuck. I’ll never get it through my head that you’re not here anymore.

Tomorrow is 11 months. I’m not ready for this.