Idk why I keep gatekeeping Rai from being an emotional character. Like, I genuinely catch myself mischaracterizing her sometimes. I get so caught up in the way she presents herself to other people that I end up forgetting who she actually is underneath all those layers.

She's so much more than just a cold, stoic, and reserved character. That's not who she is. That's just the version of herself she thinks she needs to be in order to function. It's a coping mechanism, a carefully maintained image that lets her keep moving forward without completely falling apart. Funny thing is that she's actually a very emotional person. Oh,, she craves attachment, craves companionship, craves meaningful connections with others, but the moment those things become too real, she gets skittish. She wants people close, yet the thought of being fully seen terrifies her. She wants affection, but vulnerability makes her flinch. It's like she's constantly caught between wanting connection and being afraid of what comes with it.

But when someone does manage to earn that trust, when they become one of the few people she's willing to let into her life, Rai treasures them wholeheartedly. She's not vocal about her feelings, and she probably never will be, but her actions have always spoken louder than her words. Her care shows up in small, almost mundane gestures. Making coffee for someone in the morning because she knows they'll forget to eat. Checking in after a difficult day without making a big deal out of it. Going on late-night walks because someone needed company. Inviting everyone over simply because she missed having them around. None of it is flashy, but all of it comes from a place of genuine love.

I think that's why it hurts me when people reduce her to this cold-hearted, emotionless machine who hurts people just to get the job done. She doesn't enjoy violence. She never has. People see what she's capable of and assume there must be cruelty behind it, but there really isn't. Rai isn't some tyrant ruling Gwangju through fear and brute force. If anything, she carries that responsibility with an incredible amount of patience, compassion, and understanding. She loves her crew like family, even if she tip toes around the words to convey it.

The thing people often misunderstands about her upbringing is that she wasn't raised around violence so she could learn how to make other people feel weak. It's actually quite the opposite, honestly. Being surrounded by violence taught her what happens when mercy is absent. It taught her how much damage cruelty leaves behind, how easily people can be broken when compassion is treated like a weakness. That's why, despite everything, Rai always tries to leave room for understanding. Not because she's naive, but because she knows exactly what the alternative looks like.

I really hate how isolation has somehow wired this fear so deep into me that I don't even know how to maintain friendships anymore. God, it feels like I'm invisible here..but the worst part is that I'm the one making myself invisible. I keep convincing myself that I'm irrelevant now. That nobody really needs me around anymore. But then I remember that I'm the one who stopped reaching out. I'm the one who disappeared. I'm the one who keeps pulling away every time I start feeling too vulnerable.

And I hate that.

I hate that I can't shake this feeling that I don't really have a place with you guys anymore. That somehow everything moved on while I was gone and now I'm standing outside of it all, looking in. It's selfish to think that, isn't it? Because I know none of you have actually done anything to make me feel that way. I know you guys would probably welcome me back without a second thought. I know that....right?

But then my brain starts doing what it always does. Every inside joke I don't understand, every conversation I wasn't there for, every plan I wasn't part of, it turns into proof that I'm being excluded. And I hate it. God, I hate it so much because I know that's probably not true. I know it's not fair. But it still hurts. It hurts wanting that closeness back so badly and feeling completely incapable of reaching for it. It hurts missing people and still avoiding them. It hurts feeling lonely and then being the one who keeps building the walls. And the stupidest part is that I keep complaining about it while doing absolutely nothing to change it.

Because I'm scared. God, I'm so fucking scared. Scared that things really have changed. Scared that I'll come back and realize there's no space for me anymore. Scared that everyone has gotten used to living without me. Scared that I'll reach out and find out that all the fears I've been making up in my head were true after all.