Completely His

HUH????

HUH?!?!?????????

Let me start off by saying this is my personal opinion. I know not everyone will agree with what I’m about to say and that’s okay. I am married to my Dom/Daddy and have been with him 14 years. I trust him completely with all that I am. We know each other inside and out and that makes a huge difference so again this is my personal opinion.

During sessions/scenes

I do have a safe word but have honestly never felt the need to use it because he reads my body, the sounds I make and reactions so well. He knows when things are getting pretty intense or when he needs to back off a little and give me time to catch my breath. He knows exactly when I get lost in my space and he knows exactly how to pull me right back to him. The key here is he knows me. None of this happened overnight it took a lot of work on both of our parts to get to where we are now. Some of this came naturally because we had been together so long before we decided D/s and BDSM was something we both wanted.

I know that if I needed to safe word I could and it wouldn’t disappoint him or cause any issue’s in our relationship. For me however I feel that if I am going to use my safe word it should be an emergency where things need to stop right then and there. It isn’t used to revoke consent because if I were going to do that I would have done it before the scene/session ever started. Before we start a scene I usually know what is going to happen or at least what he has in mind and he check’s my comfort level with what he has planned. He does this so that way if I have any questions or concern’s I can voice those before it ever get’s to the point of needing my safe word. Do I know every single detail of course not but I know enough to make a decision as to whether I want to continue or not. 

He knows my limits and I know his. We are constantly revisiting these to see if anything has changed for either of us. If there are changes we make note of those so that no line is crossed or to draw a new line. Again this is to make sure that neither of us feels the need to safe word. 

During Punishment

We have discussed the rules and I have had my chance to voice concerns, to ask any question’s I may have or voice my opinion on them. If I am breaking a rule that we mutually agreed upon I’m not going to safe word just to get out of punishment especially when I knew I was breaking a rule and did it anyway.

The reason behind this post:

Lately I have seen a few post about submissive’s constantly safe wording, doing it just to get out of punishment or just because they can. I’m all for safe wording if you need to, aren’t comfortable with or don’t want something. With that being said if you find yourself using your safe word a lot maybe it’s time to have a conversation with your partner and re-evaluate your limits/boundaries. It may even be time to take a long hard honest look at yourself to see if this is really the type of relationship you want. If you have issue’s with the rules then tell your partner and discuss what can be changed. If the problem is with a scene again discuss it with your partner. Communicate openly and honestly with your partner about what it is you want/hope to get out of the relationship. Constantly feeling like you have to use your safe word isn’t healthy for either of you or your relationship.

If using your safe word is your only way to revoke consent then in my opinion it’s time to take an honest look at your relationship. 

If it’s a new relationship get to know the other person before you jump into a scene or anything else with them. Discuss your limits and let them know what you want or don’t want. Be completely honest with them and most of all yourself. Build some trust and communicate. Don’t say well I know them because i have been talking to them online for 3 months or whatever, guess what you can be anyone you want to be online but who are you in person.

Practice Safe,Sane and Consensual not just the part you like.

It’s sad that some people obviously had such terrible experiences that they completely shut off and raise all their defense mechanisms, even become aggressive, if someone even only wants to discuss details of the use or shine a little more light on the various ways, safe words are included in the different dynamics. And there are various ways. Even though in all dynamics safe wording means “stop“. Denying that there are slight little details, shows immaturity and ignorance.

Again: It’s simple. Safewording means “stop”. In all dynamics. No questions. No negotiations. No punishments for using safe words. All subs have to be comfortable using the safe words. 

But - and I make a bold statement here: If a sub uses the safe word, something is wrong. Not necessarily with the relationship, but *something*. With the scene. The circumstances. Whatever. And then you have to find out. Stop what you’re doing at this very moment and find out what’s wrong. That’s it. And it *can* be, that Dom (Daddy, Sir…) and sub have a very different view on their dynamics. And frequent safewording is an indicator for that. Same applies, if the sub uses the safe word in a way the Dom finds too lightheartedly. That *can* happen. But then they have to discuss. That’s all.

As @sirskia pointed out, if you’ve studied well enough then last-minute cramming doesn’t really become necessary. But that presumes a lot of prior study.

I do think that the importance of safewords can vary by the type of play you’re engaged in. For instance, I do a lot of resistance play and psychoemotional sadism. So having a safeword is very important, since “no!” doesn’t mean no, and him being in clear distress doesn’t tell me I need to stop.

But I’m also in a TPE dynamic, and so the way safewords work for us is different. @iamyourdom said that “Safewording means “stop”. In all dynamics. No questions.” And while that’s true in the vast majority of dynamics, it’s actually not true in all. By definition TPE (total power exchange) and CNC (consensual non-consent) only have safewords if the Dom chooses to allow them - the premises of those dynamics include that consent is given on entering the dynamic and cannot then be withdrawn, rendering safewords moot. Yes, this is extreme and really really not for everybody. It’s not for most people. But it does exist.

For me, I do allow my sub safewords. Given the type of play we do, it would be foolish not to use that communication tool. But they are solely a communication tool for us - and not one that means I must stop. If he says “yellow,” it means things are getting uncomfortable in a bad way, if he says “red,” it means I’m hitting his limits, and if he says “harm,” it means he thinks that continuing would cause him lasting harm. I require him to safeword, since I need that information. 

But note that nowhere in there did I say I had to stop. It’s solely him giving me that information, then waiting to see what decision I make with it. I’m not irresponsible enough to want to break my things (that’s not how I operate), which is part of why he entered into this dynamic with me in the first place. Because according to our relationship agreement, I could - and safewords don’t affect that. (He’s never actually said “harm” - or even “red,” actually, so this is more a philosophical distinction than a practical one.)

Part 2

It’s so fucking disgusting that he doesn’t respect you and calls you his “slut” (extremely sexist and slut shaming) and that he forces you to get on your knees and suck his dick, you should be treated as his equal not like you’re his sexual object. Way too many men see women as sexual objects that need to pleasure them

For anyone wanting to follow along I’m going to link the post’s I believe my Anon friend here is basing his/her assumptions off of:

http://sirskia.tumblr.com/post/130864008821/a-day-in-our-life

http://sirskia.tumblr.com/post/130862497201/just-us-being-us

First off this reply isn’t to defend the choice I made to submit to him. Let me repeat that the choice I made. We are both consenting adult’s and aren’t hurting ourselves or anyone else. We aren’t parading about in public forcing our lifestyle on anyone else, so with that said what we do behind closed doors and in our home shouldn’t really matter to anyone else. I do however want to point out that everyone is entitled to their own opinion’s but maybe before they assume something they should base it off more information than what these have been based on, just my opinion. Okay now to your message.

It’s so incredibly sexist that you are required to stay home and do chores/drop and pick up the kids while your “sir” is at work, like wtf it isn’t the 1800’s and women don’t need to be forced into being housewives. You’re allowed to work and leave the house and not do all the chores he wants you to, a man is just as capable of doing chores.

I’m not required to stay home,do chores or take care of my kids. I choose to do all of these things because I actually enjoy them and they make me happy. I love being able to be here for my kids and husband. I’m fortunate enough that my husband has a job that pays well enough that I can do these things. I’m not being “forced” to do anything that I don’t want to do but thank you for the concern. The life that I live on a daily basis is one that I chose and it’s one that I am both extremely happy and blessed to be able to have. 

He’s never once told me I had to stay home or that I wasn’t allowed to leave the house and work. The decision for me to be at home was one that we made together many years ago because of other circumstances that had absolutely nothing to do with our lifestyle now. As far as him being capable of doing chores of course he is and believe me he does. He’s washed dishes,cooked,done laundry and even taken care of a screaming child while doing these things. He’s just as involved with our kids and making sure our house stay’s in order as i am. 

You’re completely correct this isn’t the 1800′s and thank goodness it isn’t because now I have a choice and this is the life I chose to live. I was the one who submitted to him and I’m just lucky enough that he didn’t think I was insane and he chose to give this lifestyle a chance. 

On to part 2

It’s so fucking disgusting that he doesn’t respect you and calls you his “slut” (extremely sexist and slut shaming) and that he forces you to get on your knees and suck his dick, you should be treated as his equal not like you’re his sexual object. Way too many men see women as sexual objects that need to pleasure them

The post you are referring to here was written just to make me smile. That 1 single line you are referring to was his way of being silly at that moment because he knew it would make me smile and guess what, it did. That is the one and only time he has referred to me as a slut because it doesn’t feel right to him. I’m far from a slut his or otherwise but if that were the case and he did feel that way then yes in the bedroom I am his slut. Within those four walls I am whatever he wants me to be because that’s what I want to be. 

As far as him not respecting me well that I have to disagree with. The man you are trying so hard to put in a negative light has so much respect,admiration and love for me that I have seen it bring him to tears. Again he doesn’t “force” me to do anything I don’t want to do. I get on my knees and suck his cock because I want to not because he tell’s me to. I may have submitted to him but I still have a choice and I can still say no. 

Sorry but I have to laugh at the entire sex object thing at least in this case. He doesn’t see me as an object. I’m his wife first and his sub second in all honesty. I’m not here strictly for his pleasure but I am his and if he wants me to please him, well then I am more than happy to do so. Not because it’s what he wants or because he’s “forcing” me to do anything but because it’s what I want and it pleasure’s me to no end to hear him say “Oh fuck” while he’s enjoying my body and taking what he needs/wants. Our entire relationship is give and take it’s not just one sided and it’s not all about him and what he wants. It is however about two people completely in love with each other with a connection that grows stronger every single day. 

If anything in our relationship he put’s me, my wants/needs and well being before his so I guess sometimes in his eyes no I’m not his equal I come before him. In my eyes however we are completely equal even if I am sitting at his feet. I do tend to put his and our families needs first and that’s not changing anytime soon. With all matters to do with our relationship he values my opinions, concerns and input, he does however have final say. He makes the decisions based on all facts and input for the good of our family. He is the head of the household and he does what he has to in order to protect his family and give us what we need.

So you see when you assume things and you don’t have all the facts well it makes you look like a very rude person. I do however want to thank you for the message because in all honesty it made me smile. You have such strong feelings about my relationship yet you hide behind Anon. Someone I don’t know and who has no idea how my relationship works isn’t going to upset me or ruin my day. In some ways I feel a little sorry for you because you clearly have no idea how freeing or rewarding it is to submit to someone, give away complete control and know that they are going to protect and love you unconditionally. What you see here is only a small window into our relationship and that’s all it will be is a window, what we choose to share with the world. The rest we keep for ourselves to treasure.

What people in our life and our kids see are two people who are completely devoted to each other. Two people who have been through hell together didn’t give up and came out on the other side stronger and more in love. Parents who don’t scream,yell,curse or argue instead they calmly talk to one another and work out their differences. So you see I really don’t see any negative’s here all I see is a lifestyle that has brought us closer together and made us happier than we have ever been. I would even be willing to bet that our relationship is probably healthier than a lot of vanilla relationships out there.

Thank you again for your concern with my choices but know that I am happy with every choice that I have made. However if you still feel the need to be concerned with my life and my choices then I’m only a message away. I hope you have a wonderful day and that you don’t let life stress you out too much.

"The modeling indicated that when lockdown periods are combined with 100% face mask use, disease spread is vastly diminished, preventing resurgence for 18 months, the time frame that has frequently been cited for developing a vaccine. It also demonstrated that if people wear masks in public, it is twice as effective at reducing the R number than if face coverings are only worn after symptoms appear.

I just want to feel the structure around me. And I’m also horny. Is this me topping from the bottom? I genuinely don’t know. And when this happens should I just not tell him instead because that puts too much pressure on him? I’ve snuck away and masturbated and gently gotten myself up from subspace before, but I just felt guilty after. I’m allowed to masturbate without asking though. If I get horny and I tell him that, it’s almost enough to turn him off because he hates to feel controlled. I just don’t know if I am genuinely in the wrong here. And if I am, what do I do? It feels like he’s overwhelmed by my submission.  

To be honest, I’m a bit confused about the situation here. You mention going into subspace by looking at tumblr but I wonder if you may mean feeling more drawn in to your submissive nature, rather than actual subspace? Subspace is something that generally occurs after a scene, often characterized by trance-like euphoria, an impairment of rational thought, possibly a feeling of being drunk or in a warm fog where you and your partner are the only beings that exist (or any other number of iterations, but you get the drift). It’s a high after a scene, followed by drop, when your body’s chemicals that have just been taken on a wild ride start returning to normal.

So, assuming you do mean feeling more “subbie” after seeing pictures or reading stories, your dominant’s behavior is a bit suspect. Being dominant or submissive is not what we do, it’s who we are. And while dominants are human and have bad days just like the rest of us, the desire to provide and maintain structure and control is a need, a drive in their souls. It’s what they do and is not something that can be turned off. On the flip side, being submissive is our nature. Yes, we may feel more needy at times but this is what feeds our souls.

There is a magic place in fantasy land (Fet and Tumblr) where the D types are good and devoted and omnipotent and the s types are happy as clams serving at their Master’s feet. What’s not to love about that fantasy? As long as we are talking about fantasy, how about the impossibly rich and unrealistically beautiful we see depicted in photographs?

I realize this is a common theme in my writing, but none of that resembles the dynamic that Crusoe and I share.  (caveat – I’m writing from strictly a personal perspective.)

We both work, and lately I’ve been working a ridiculous amount of overtime.  I’m salaried, but the project I’m working is over budget and over schedule, so I’m putting in the hours.

Guess what?  When I’m out of the house 16 hours a day, Crusoe steps up.  Yes - Sir Domly Dom takes care of me.  He takes care of our home and our kids.  Master of my universe does all the things.  He makes his own coffee, he carts the minions places, he shops for groceries, makes dinner, and does laundry.

Does this make Crusoe less of my Sir?  Not in the least.  Does it make me less of his submissive?  Some might think so – but not in our world.  I struggle when I can’t do “all the things” but Crusoe doesn’t.  Crusoe recognizes there are times when his submissive just doesn’t have the bandwidth to do all the things.

Sometimes, I’m too fucking tired.  Sometimes I’m too stressed.  Sometimes I need Crusoe to give me that easy-going reassurance when he says, “I’ve got this” and know that he does.  

There is no quid pro quo in our dynamic.  I am not building a debt of demerits for all the times I was unable to serve him and our dynamic over the past few months.  Crusoe doesn’t keep a scorecard, I don’t “owe” him any service because I haven’t been able to serve him while I’ve worked ridiculous hours.  I will frequently say, “you get a “special” kiss for doing that (whatever it is)” – he smiles, knowing that I would cheerfully give him a blowjob at any moment.  He doesn’t need to do anything for me to happily get on my knees and take him in my mouth. The fact that I say it is my way of recognizing all the ways he steps up.  I feel “less than” when he is doing all the things, but he doesn’t capitalize on it. 

Is our power exchange “less” because we don’t keep score?  I don’t know, but am not losing any sleep what others think of my dynamic with Crusoe. 

There is a give and take to power exchange.  

We are all just people trying to get by, get through the hard spots, and enjoy the good.

Lest anyone think that we have a “perfect” dynamic, please know that we are not.  Crusoe is an asshole (at times) and I’m a bitch (hopefully a reasonable amount of time.)  

While I hesitate to bring the Bible into kink writing, there is a verse that is often recited at weddings…. The “love is patient” verse.  1 Corinthians 13:4

The part I like most about this verse is the line, “(love) “keeps no record of wrongs.”

I am drawn to this verse for the idea of it – the idea what we shouldn’t keep records for the things we do, and the things others don’t.

Power exchange is fantastically challenging.  What I wish is that folks on both sides of the slash would stop keeping tally and start embracing the good.  

I don’t remember the day or even the month, but I remember the feeling vividly. I was wandering aimlessly, searching everything and nothing, then all of a sudden there it was. I couldn’t believe my eyes. The things they were saying were things I’d thought, things I wanted, things I was too embarrassed to admit to anyone. And here they were - men and women - talking about those feelings I had, one darker than the next, and giving it - all of it - a name.

D/s.

Dominance and submission.

I started reading and couldn’t stop. I flitted from room to room, watching the conversations roll by, the experiences people shared with me and other anonymous faces behind a screen. They were open and honest and raw. I don’t know how much time passed before I took an effective breath, but with it came the realization that I was not alone. I was not a freak. What I wanted - no, what I needed - was something other people wanted and needed, as well.

That was 20 years ago. Now I look back and cringe quite often, but I wouldn’t trade those years for anything. I have a lot of ‘If I knew then what I know now…’ moments, but I wouldn’t go back and do it again, because you have to go through it to learn it. You just do. Because your track is different than the next person’s, and to learn what you need to learn takes living it yourself.

So what does twenty years teach you? Here are some things I’ve learned:

Not everyone likes the spotlight; it’s ok to live D/s very privately

It’s ok to make things like rope bondage and tickling hard limits; it’s ok to make anything a hard limit

Dominants can use a safeword or otherwise stop an activity

You can be the one to walk away; you don’t have to be ‘released’ from shit

Liars and cheaters will always lie and cheat

Moving quickly rarely leads to longevity

Your gut is never wrong; listen to it

It’s ok to not look like a fetish model; most people don’t

Sex can feel good even without orgasming

Squirting orgasms are a bit of a parlour trick; and they don’t always feel as good as other types of orgasms

You deserve as much pleasure as he does

If the effort isn’t there in the beginning it never will be

You can kneel in slip-on Converse just as well as you can in heels

You can be a kick-ass submissive and not own a single piece of lingerie

You can defer to someone and respect them as a leader even while watching Netflix and eating steak nachos with your fingers

Dominants can get sick and be huge babies and still be worthy of obedience and respect

Not every Dominant is an executive with an expense account

Submissives can make more money than their partner

You don’t have to say ‘Daddy’ to feel it in your bones

You can love someone and not be a match

Toxicity isn’t gender specific

Wanting to be wanted can lead to seriously poor decision-making

It’s ok to demand more for yourself; having standards solidifies self-worth

Strength is a process

Self-esteem requires active management

Submission doesn’t cease to exist when you’re single

Submission doesn’t end when you hit 30 or 50 or 70

You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do

You can change your mind

You can use your voice

You have to use your voice

Every time I start to think how things have changed over the years I have to stop and remind myself: Nothing has changed but you. Sometimes I think about that 27 year old, that 34 year old, hell - even that 40 year old, and I cringe. The mistakes she made. The positions (literally and figuratively) she put herself in. How much mental and emotional energy she expended on him. How much she didn’t know. 

How much more she still has to learn.

But I’ll tell you what: If the next twenty bring as much joy as the last twenty, I’m in for a helluva ride. And I want all of it - every bump and swoop and whirl. The twists and turns are what make you who you are.