heart hits like a drum

Jax’s thumb grazed Lyra’s kiss as he met her kiss with a gentleness that one wouldn’t expect for a pirate captain. There was nothing he could do to soothe all the pain Lyra felt, but he would do his damn best to protect her from any more heartbreak. “I run out of breath around you all the time,” he chuckled, pressing his forehead to hers once he broke the kiss. “How about we go for a swim tomorrow? We can get away from everyone for a few hours…go to the other side of the island. I’ll tell Magni to watch over Arroyo.”

Lyra smiled at his words, wrapping her arms around him to give him a squeeze. “I love you, Jax Harper.” She murmured, looking up into his eyes. She nodded at his suggestion that they get away for a swim. “I’d like that...” She sniffed, maybe if she got away for a bit, she’d be able to put it all in perspective.

Jax’s heart broke for Lyra. He didn’t know what it was like to love a family that deeply, but he knew it what it was like to feel abandoned by one. All he could do was hold her tight and hope that he could keep her heart safe from being broken by her people even more than it already had been. “I love you,” he whispered, pressing a kiss into her hair. “Anyone who doesn’t is a damn fool. If your brother can’t see how wonderful you are - if he has a problem with what you can or can’t do - that’s his problem. Not yours. I know it must be hard…but try to remember that.” H

e pulled away slightly, cupping her cheeks in his rough hands. “If you need a reminder of how great you are, I’m more than willing to give it to you. I’ll tell you how much I love you every second of every day if it will help.” 

Lyra listened to the steady thud of Jax’s heart in his chest, and she let it steady her, too. It still ached, and she still worried, but there was something reassuring about knowing that she had him in her corner, no matter what else happened. “I love you too,” she lifted her chin to rest against his chest, tilting her head back to look up at him. She smiled weakly, tears still shining in her eyes. “You might run out of breath if you say it every second,” she teased, leaning up to kiss him gently.

Jax crushed Lyra against his chest, wishing that his embrace could wash away her sadness. He knew it didn’t work like that. His love for her didn’t cancel out the pain others caused her - he only wished that it did. All of his muscles tightened for a brief moment, and the hand that had started rubbing her back paused momentarily, at the mention of her voice. Guilt rushed over him. “Will that cause an issue?” he asked, carefully keeping his tone sympathetic and helpful rather than letting his own feelings creep through. “We’re going to get your voice back. That’s all he needs to know about it. Arroyo shouldn’t concern himself with that. He doesn’t have a right to know about what’s happened to you since you were exiled.”

“I don’t know,” she answered honestly. She was still struggling with her own sense of self since losing her voice; what was she without it? The crew had helped, Jax had helped, but now she was so insecure about it all over again. Even with her siren song, she hadn’t been enough for her family. She didn’t want to think what they’d think of her now, living with humans, in love with a sorcerer, and having lost that crucial part of her identity. “I know, I just... I can’t help but worry,” she wished she didnt care about what he thought of her, but she did.

It was hard to imagine what would have happened to the crew if Lyra hadn’t joined them when she did. Would they have been oblivious to the existence of mers? Would they have survived Luna Island? Of course, it was impossible to know what would have happened. No matter what, Magni was glad he didn’t have to know what their lives would be like without her. “ I’m sure Rav and I could have at least tried to keep the ship afloat, but I doubt we would have succeeded. “ The slightest grin appeared on his lips. As much as he loved to joke about Jax needing them, he knew it was far from the truth. Jax was an incredible pirate and a captain who would do fine without either of them. 

The slightest shiver ran down his spine as he listened to her explain to him all the things they could do to protect themselves if they were to run into her colony. Magni made sure to remember everything she was saying, and he made a mental note of everything they would need, beeswax, sponges, long-range weapons… Magni had spent his entire life sailing. Nonetheless, he always feared and respected the sea because he knew they were at its mercy. One great storm and he would spend eternity lying at the bottom of the ocean, but he never imagined the danger lying in the darkness of the sea were mers, like Lyra. “ Magic scares them? “ If Magni were sailing with a different crew, a crew he didn’t love as much as he loves the Serpents, he would suggest using the sorcerers. Using them as bait to scare them or distract them while the rest of the crew would be able to take them out, but Magni would never be able to let Athena or Jax or anyone else on the crew who might possess magic do that. “ I have to ask, Lyra. I know you said they would try to avoid conflict, but if we would run into them and if they would see you, what would they do? “ 

Lyra couldn’t be sure what might’ve happened if she wasn’t here; would Jax have even been made captain without her whispering in the crew’s ear about how he was the best choice? Would he have gone to Luna Island? Would they have made it off the island? She shuddered to think. It made her think about herself in a different light, less of a burden, and more of an asset. 

Jax stroked Lyra’s cheek with his thumb, a deep sadness setting into his chest and weighing on him like nothing else ever had. “I wish I understood,” he told her honestly, his own heart squeezing. He didn’t love his mother, or at least, he didn’t think he did. Maybe, deep down, a part of him cared for her. “They’re all fools for tossing you aside. I know it’s their law, but…daring to care shouldn’t be a crime.” Pressing a gentle kiss to her forehead, Jax slipped his arms around Lyra again. He pulled her tight against his chest, wishing that he could chase away all her pain with just this one embrace. “You’re worth so much more than they could ever realize - and not just to me. They don’t deserve you. The fact that you still want to see them - that you love them - proves that.”

Lyra wished that knowing it was the law that was wrong, and not her actions, helped, but it didn’t. It didn’t stop hurting just because she knew they were in the wrong. She buried her face against his chest, letting him squeeze her, she knotted a hand in the fabric of his shirt. It didn’t help the ache to go away, but there was something comforting about knowing that Jax loved her, for all her faults and no matter what she did, he loved her unconditionally. She squeezed her eyes shut tight, trying and failing to suppress a sob. She didn’t want to cry over them; but she couldn’t help herself. And there was still one more thing she was afraid of. “I haven’t --I haven’t told him that I lost my voice yet,” she admitted, swallowing hard. Her siren song was the only thing she had ever been able to contribute to the colony; a part of her was scared that without even that, she’d be seen as even less useful. 

No matter how long Magni had been with the crew, it never ceased to surprise him whenever the crew showed him or their other crewmates affection so freely. He had been used to crews not caring whether the person beside them lived or died, but now he was getting hugged by Lyra because she loved him. Despite almost startling when she first wrapped her arms around him and hugged him, he held her just as tightly before finally easing his grip on her, listening to her every word. “ You have no idea how grateful I am that we found you when we did. Not only because of what could have happened to you but also because of Jax. I’m not sure if he would have been able to handle everything that’s been going on since he became a captain without you. “ 

So they were close to her colony? There were so many questions running through Magni’s mind. As the quartermaster, Magni always wanted to know every threat around them, and he wanted to know how to deal with them because an unknown threat often leads to a loss of life, and he refused to lose any more of his people. “ So if we avoid them, then we should be fine? “ Magni hesitated for a moment, he had to ask. “ I know they’re your family, and I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you, but I have to ask, if we run into them and if they attack us, is there anything we can do? Do they have any weaknesses? “ 

Something light and warm bubbled up in Lyra’s chest at Magni’s words. It was so good to hear that she was not just helpful, but that she was necessary. She wanted so badly for the crew to need her as much as she knew she needed them; she’d be nothing if she weren’t a part of the Cursed Serpent. She tried so hard to make herself useful, even though she knew she wasn’t what anyone expected to find on a pirate ship, and hearing that from Magni made her pride swell up in her chest like a balloon. “It’s true, if I weren’t around he probably would’ve lost it and sunk this tub by now,” she teased playfully, although she had much more faith in Jax than that. Maybe it was her faith in him that he needed, though.

“Yes, and now you’ve run off in search of some very powerful rocks. Rumors of mad crews chasing the impossible jewels reach all kinds of ears.” Billie narrowed her eyes at Lyra, thoughtful, “would you betray us to save your life? I’m not making a judgement call, I’d just like to know what we’re up against.” She’d seen half crazed men, delluded and paranoid and trying to tear their own crew apart. Plans didn’t always make sense, on top of that they didn’t always exist. Sometimes madness saw an opportunity for power and just threw everything at the wall in an attempt to grab it. “Every day we fight things that make no sense to me.” She shrugged, “the fact is we don’t know what Ayden is thinking, or if he’s thinking at all.”  Billie’s mouth ticks up into a small grin, “forgive my ignorance, then. Despite seeking adventure I have never sought the particular parts of the ocean that include magic and merfolk.” Her gaze dropped down to the sand, and she frowned. “My cousin reminded me why. So you see, I know there are a myriad of ways your family might try to take advantage of us now. It makes me uncomfortable.” 

The truth was, Billie was right. Even though Lyra knew her mother wasn’t interested in getting any more jewels (guarding one was responsibility enough) she couldn’t guarantee that Ayden wouldn’t want more. The fact that he’d seized one jewel already spoke to his hunger for power, and if he had somehow discovered that they were in possession of another... she could be right. This could be a trap, and Arroyo could be in on it. Just because Lyra didn’t want to believe that didn’t make it less of a possibility; she’d been gone for six years. A lot could have happened in that time.

It was easy to see why Lyra was so upset. There was her own history with her brother and now the future the crew was orchestrating in their heads. She saw both sides of it. The anxiety of the crew when it came to strange people with strange powers and Lyra’s anxiety around her brother. “There’s a lot I don’t know,” she acknowledged. “And there is a lot the crew doesn’t know. About your brother, about the mermaids, but they will. Give them time. I don’t believe anyone is rash enough to try and hurt Arroyo.” She looked at Lyra, “especially seeing as he is your brother. Even if things between you are… complicated. Give yourself time too.” She let out a heavy sigh, “I’m sorry– I’m not very good comforting people. Of course you know you need time.” She paused a moment. “Are you happy… seeing Arroyo again? I suppose it’s quite a shock seeing him like this but…” 

“Both true statements. But you’re the only one on the crew who seems to pretend you understand way more than you actually do,” Lyra rolled her eyes, she shouldn’t be shocked that Athena wasn’t listening to her. “You never actually listen to anyone, you know that? And then you offer advice that no one asked you for. I know you’ve got this idea that because you’ve read a hundred thousand books that you understand everyone and everything so much better than the rest of us, but you’ve never actually experienced anything.” She wasn’t in a mood to coddle Athena right now, so she turned back towards the water. “You’re right, you’re not good at comforting people, and I never asked you to, so I’ll spare you the effort.” She told her before she dove beneath the waves, quickly disappearing into the depths.

Jax cupped Lyra’s cheeks, searching her eyes for signs that she was more upset about this than she sounded. “I’m so glad that we found each other, you know that.” At least, he hoped she did. Jax’s lips turned down as he stared into Lyra’s eyes. “Are you okay? I mean, really okay. Pretend there’s no jewel and we aren’t hunting them down. We just found your injured brother on the shore, and he told you that your other brother and mother are fighting for control of your colony.”

The truth was, Lyra hadn’t really thought about her own feelings much since they’d found Arroyo on the beach. She knew one thing for certain: she didn’t want any harm to come to her brother, no matter that his actions had hurt her in the past. She didn’t want to hurt anyone in her family, not even her mother. She may never be able to forgive her, or any of them, but she didn’t want to hurt them. She looked into Jax’s eyes, and she knew she couldn’t lie to him. She sighed, frowning. “I’m not... totally okay. I never thought I’d see any of them ever again. I don’t know... a part of me just wants to see my family again, so badly. I want to forgive them, but I can’t. It still hurts that they threw me away. But... I don’t know. I love them.” She couldn’t exactly put it all into words, and up until now, she had been trying not to. She had been trying to focus on convincing the crew not to hurt Arroyo, since that was her priority. Her own feelings were secondary, as usual, and she didn’t want to have a breakdown when big things were happening.

“ I’m glad he was able to change their mind, but he was still willing to let you suffer or even die all alone. Who knows what could have happened to you if you hadn’t joined us when you did? “ He knew what could have happened since he knew how cruel most sailors and humans, in general, could be to anything different from them, but he didn’t even want to imagine those things happening to her. “ I know I’m not Jax or Bradway, and I’m not your brother like Arroyo, but I do care about you like you’re my sister, so I will not instantly like someone who could have hurt you. “

Magni stayed silent as she explained how her colony destroyed ships and entire crews, and it helped him understand that Arroyo couldn’t have been participating in a plot to attack them. “ It must have been strange for you to join a pirate crew after either helping or witnessing your colony attack ships. “ Of course, he didn’t fault her for what her colony has done while she was with them. How often has he used his powers to do terrible things for no other reason than to be terrible? “ Do you know where your colony is? Are we somewhere near it? “

“And who knows what could have happened if I stayed there? I never would’ve met any of you,” Lyra pointed out. It was true, she could’ve died at sea easily, she very nearly did, and if she hadn’t joined up with the Cursed Serpent, then she would’ve either died or gone mad from loneliness in the emptiness of the sea. That was why she hadn’t forgiven her family, but the truth was, if she hadn’t been exiled, she wouldn’t have found her real family. She wouldn’t be here with them now, and she very much doubted she’d be half as happy as she was here. When Magni said she was like his sister, she leaned over to wrap an arm around him. “I love you too, Magni.”

Jax jerked back, his hands circling around Lyra’s wrists as he pulled his arms from around her waist. “The fact that your mother even considered handing down the death penalty against her own daughter is just…” They had discussed some of Lyra’s past over the years, long before they’d confessed their love for one another. Jax knew how much being exiled hurt Lyra, and even if her mother had been kind by not sentencing Lyra to exile, he hated her for it. “He argued against the death penalty, but you and I both know even the sea isn’t safe for a mer alone.” It was hard to keep even semi-calm as he thought about all of this. “They all knew what might happen to you - what might’ve even been likely to happen.”

Lyra didn’t know exactly how to react to that. It had hurt, knowing her mother was considering it; but it wasn’t out of character for Wylla to do such a thing. She was a hard woman. And it was all Lyra had known, really. Was it wrong for her family to turn on her? She had broken their laws. She was hurt about it, but a part of her understood their choice, so she wasn’t shocked by it. “Some said exile was as much as death sentence as anything... but I’m still here.” She pointed out. “If they didn’t exile me, you’d never have found me.”

Maeve considered that for a moment. “Do you think that’s what I’d do with that information?” She wouldn’t pretend that no one would. Whether people believed them to be real or not, merfolk were always in danger. Maeve knew the stores. The water crept up the beach with the wind, running over her feet before it retreated again. “You could at least tell me if there are colonies other than yours. There’s not much I could do with that information if I was planning on betraying you.”

Athena could tell she had said something wrong. Then again she had such a knack for saying the wrong thing perhaps everything she said had been out of line. Athena blinked back. “No,” she admitted her expression becoming dower. No she hadn’t seen the sketches but she didn’t need to. Lyra’s words and what Athena knew about the history of sorcerers painted their own picture. Athena opened her mouth to speak but Lyra continued and once again left Athena feeling broken. “I-I… Lyra…” she stuttered, finding it hard to look Lyra in the face. “I had no idea about your family, truthfully.” As bad as exile sounded it didn’t seem to effect Lyra’s relationship with her brother– after all, here she was saying that the crew should trust him.

“Stupidly, I know nothing of mermaids, before recently I thought they were just a story old sailors told to keep themselves occupied. Idiodic of me I know…” She looked down at her bare feet, the waves hitting against her legs. “Then again, I know little of sorcerery as well. Besides knowing that we are perhaps… untrustworthy,” she confided in Lyra. “I’ve only truly known three sorcerers. Jax of course,” her tone shifted to one of vitriol, “Charles,” her voice returned to a more neutral tone though there was hint of sadness, “and my own mother who told me nothing of magic. Whatever the sorcerers did to your kind… I do not doubt it was reprehensible. I do not doubt that there isn’t a proper word for what they did.”

“I know you didn’t, only a few people on the crew do. That’s why it’s so frustrating that everyone is acting like they know what he’s about, when I haven’t even figured that out myself yet.” Lyra felt like she had to reassure everyone that Arroyo wasn’t going to spring up and murder them all in their sleep, and it was getting in the way of figuring out just what was going on. But Arroyo wasn’t a villain, she knew that. He hadn’t been there when she’d needed him, but that didn’t make him evil. 

She frowned, leave it to Athena to find a way to cry about someone else’s problems. “So you don’t know what you don’t know, I’m not blaming you for that, and I’m not blaming you for the past. Just don’t think that you understand everyone else’s struggles because you have your own.” She shook her head, if Athena needed someone to pat her on the head and tell her everything would be all right, Lyra was not that person right now.

Billie didn’t mind playing the bad guy in this. Even if she ended up being wrong, it was better that they took the time to consider all angles and scenarios. She knew how their enemies might be thinking, it was part of her role. “Your other brother is apparently in the middle of what sounds like a mutiny. I’m sure you’re familiar with the concept of bait. If he’s after stealing power from his own mother, do you think he’d be above risking the life of a sibling in the process?” She shakes her head, “as far as rewards go, well, are you saying you wouldn’t charge back into the colony if you thought your help was needed? None of us could follow you to defend you down there, Lyra.”

“ No, I mean, maybe? I don’t know! I know it’s unfair of me, Lyra, and I’m sure I will like him when I get to know him, especially if he’s anything like you, but- “ Magni let out a frustrated breath. He wasn’t even sure why he found it hard to trust Arroyo. His only reasoning was that her brother must have hurt her or at least been complicit in hurting her. Sure, Magni may not know her whole story, but he knew it had to be terrible because of the way Jax’s reacted. How was he supposed to trust and like someone who might have hurt her? How was he supposed to trust him not to betray the crew if he could do it to his sister? “ But where was he when Bradway and Jax found you? Did he even care about what happened to you? “ Magni waited for a moment, already regretting mentioning this to her. “ How would your colony kill us if they wanted us dead? “

Lyra blinked when he finally asked her about if he cared about her. She hadn’t expected that; she knew that the reason Jax didn’t like him was because of what her family had done to her, but she didn’t really expect anyone else to feel that way. She cracked a little, sheepish smile, it was different if they didn’t like him because of her, she just hadn’t expected that. “He cared enough to keep them from killing me outright,” she shrugged, it was a mark in his favor. “The penalty for what I did was death. He spoke up for me, to reduce it to exile. That’s... something,” she shrugged. A part of her wondered if he regretted just letting her go, but maybe he thought she’d be better off away from the restrictive rules of their colony. Looking at her life now... he would’ve been right. 

.

“I think I can avoid starting fights for quite some time,” he gestured generally at his injuries. He looked up at the ceiling considering her question, so much had happened since she’d left and not for the better. “I’ve been alright. After you left tensions were fairly high and I actually spent a lot of time away, either hunting or traveling, to get away from it all. I got to see some remarkable reefs, with waters so clear you could see for miles. I did get into a bit of trouble with a school of box jellyfish, though… that’s how I got these,” he turned to reveal a maze of long scars covering his back, then turned back to her, tilting his head nonchalantly, “…as it goes.” He paused, unsure if this question would be too sore a subject coming from him, “How about you..? How long was it before you found this crew?”

Lyra chuckled as he told her about his adventures and exploration, she supposed there could be a lot of beauty under the sea, when you had a place to go when the weather got choppy. She sighed when he asked about her. “It was hard, I didn’t have anywhere to go at first. Going on land alone was dangerous, and I had trouble finding safe places to rest, or food, since it was mostly claimed by other mer colonies. I had to go closer to human settlements to find anything, but the worst was the loneliness. I didn’t have anyone to talk to, I couldn’t join another colony, and I was scared of the humans, so I was always alone. I think I was on my own for about a year, before I got caught up in a hurricane, and washed ashore on an island with a big human town on it. Some humans caught me, tied me up. I think they were planning to sell me. Then the old captain, and Jax came along. They killed those men, and rescued me, and let me join their crew.” Normally she wouldn’t tell people how hard it was before she joined the crew, because she didn’t like to let people worry, but she felt like he deserved to know what they’d put her through.

.

Lance hadn’t considered the possibility that his dislike of Arroyo could come from a place of bias against mers, granted he’d never seen one, but he’d always thought he’d be excited about it if he ever did. No, he thought, what he disliked about the man was not that he was a mer, but rather the negative connotations of what Jax had said about him. However the more Lyra spoke he realized he may have been to quick to judge a charged situation and that didn’t sit right with him. He hung his head with remorse, “I’m sorry, I really have no issue with him not being human. I just… I suppose I didn’t like what Jax implied about him. I’m not familiar with the complexities of human and mer relations, my concern was more for you than anything. But you’re right, I shouldn’t judge when I know so little about him.”

“Well, even Jax doesn’t know everything about that.” She shook her head, Jax knew more than most, but he didn’t know the whole story. She had a feeling he’d hold a grudge against her family even if she forgave them, because he’d never forgive anyone who hurt her. “The punishment for my crime was death. Arroyo was one of those who spoke up to have it changed to exile... which, I mean, it’s still unfair. But he could’ve stayed silent, and maybe they would’ve killed me instead. So maybe just don’t judge him before you know everything.”