SINUS ARRHYTHMIA

I bought a car a few months ago, and it’s a lot faster and more fun than my last car. I’m actually lowkey obsessed with it. I think it’s so fun to drive and I think it looks great. I’ve put so many miles on it already. But I have developed a habit of going on drives up the mountain and driving very fast.

Usually I’m very depressed and I sit around doing nothing. I hate being stuck at home and doing nothing because my thoughts and emotions take over. So lately I’ve been going on drives as something to pass the time, and even get some thrill and enjoyment from. The mountain road is perfect. It’s a fairly narrow road with lots of sharp corners. I love going late at night when very few cars are on the road, and taking the corners at dangerous speeds, drifting in some cases, burning rubber, pushing the car to the edge of its limits.

A few times I briefly lost control. A few times I came very close to crashing, but I haven’t yet. I’m slowly learning how this car handles and I feel like my skills as a driver are improving with every drive, and every time I go up the mountain I push it a little more as I gain confidence and learn what speeds I can take corners at without losing control. It’s thrilling. It gives me a rush that I rarely ever get to feel, and it’s very cheap to do and available to me at any time on any day. It’s becoming my favorite way to get out of the house and change my mood.

But the main thing that I’ve been struggling with is guilt. I’ve been questioning if driving like this is ethically or morally okay. I try to be considerate of other drivers and I always slow down and give plenty of room to people when I encounter another car on the road. But I can’t help but think that regardless of the precautions I take, I’m still putting others at risk. The nature of the road and blind corners creates situations where oncoming cars are impossible to see until they’re very close. If I lose control or drift a little wide on a corner, I could kill someone. Putting myself in danger is one thing, but I never want to put anyone else in danger. I understand speed limits exist for a reason, and by breaking them I’m inherently creating a more dangerous situation in a public environment. But I also have confidence in my own abilities and don’t expect to crash. But no one ever expects to crash.

I don’t want to give up this “hobby” and I don’t want to go to a track, I love the mountain and it’s so easily accessible to me. I feel so much better when I get on the road and start burning rubber. But at what point does the risk and dangers of driving become too much to justify the enjoyment I get from it? Am I a bad person for doing this? I don’t know. But I don’t want to stop and I feel guilty for that.