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Holy fck this hit me hard, the old me has got to go. The old me has to disappear.

The new me is here to stay. The new me is here to love myself.

To look for joy in the simple things.

To stay present in the moment.

To remind myself I am NOT a gazelle being chased by a lion. I am a human. Living a human experience in a world where pain exists, but so does love. So does peace. So does happiness and joy and gratitude.

Focusing on the positive doesn’t negate the fact that negativity exists. It just means I get to choose what I think about.

I choose what I focus on and where I allow my thoughts to go.

I have the power to decide what thoughts stay and what go.

I can stop negative thoughts in their tracks.

I can choose to change things up despite it being uncomfortable, because change is how we grow.

That was the problem.

The entire time you used my empathy against me. You used it for your own advantage.

I wish I hadn’t been so gullible. So trusting. So forgiving.

But I can’t change the past.

I can’t forget the past either. The memory reminds me of what I’ll never allow in my life again.

My nervous system has 28 years of being conditioned to stress.

28 years of living with high cortisol

My body is accustomed to the presence of this hormone.

And when I’m doing the inner work to help with anxiety, my nervous system ramps up even worse.

It tells me, “This calm we feel, it isn’t normal.

This isn’t what we are used to.

Let’s resort back to familiarity. Let’s resort back to stress. It’s what we know.”

But just because stress is all I’ve ever known, that does not mean it is healthy.

In this case, familiarity is not healthy. The uncomfortable feeling of change is my mind fighting with my stress conditioned body.

I wish it were easy. I wish I could flip a switch and undo years of nervous system wiring.

But it takes time to heal. And I must be patient with myself as I remember that I don’t have to live in fear. I don’t have to live in fight or flight mode.

Fight or flight was a choice I made in order to try and protect myself over the years. To try and feel safe.

I am healing.

I am growing.

Not every moment of every day will be a good one.

But that doesn’t erase my progress.

The internal change inside of me will take time.

I’ve spent my whole life in anxiety.

My nervous system is comfortable there. It is familiar.

It automatically resorts to that—the fight or flight mode.

That’s what it knows how to do.

But every day I’m trying to teach her that it doesn’t have to be that way.

I’m not in that environment anymore.

I am safe. I am healthy. I am loved.

It’s hard though.

My conscious mind cannot fight the subconscious programming.

However, I will meditate more.

I will reinforce positive thoughts.

I will love myself even when I slip up.

I’ll give myself grace.

Because I deserve it.

Because I don’t have to be a victim of my own mind.

New experiences are how we rewire our nervous system. Show your nervous system change. If you stay in the same routine, repeating the same thoughts every single day, you will never break the negative cycle you are in. Bring an end to the loop by adding new experiences to your day.

Even small changes make a big difference. Take a different route to work. Listen to new music. Read a new book. Listen to a new podcast or audiobook. Try a new cafe. Buy a new outfit.

Change is how we heal.

I kept trying to tell myself you were different. I kept trying to tell myself you had changed.

But you are still the same monster you’ve always been. You are still the same demon you always were.

I was blind to your true self for quite some time, though your true colors kept peeking through.

You were flashy and charming. You looked so nice.

Who struggles with death anxiety.

It always creeps into my brain when I’m least expecting it.

“Someday you’re gonna die,” it tells me.

“Someday I’m gonna die,” I think.

And that someday could be today.

The today part always gets me.

And I freak the fuck out in the moment.

In the moment it feels like the end of it all

And that makes it all so much worse.

I have to talk myself down.

I have to tell myself to breathe.

I have to tell myself, “I’m young. Healthy. For the most part.

“I shouldn’t have to worry about death for a long time.”

But it’s the not knowing.

It’s the unknown.

It’s the leaving of my family behind.

The little girl who looks to me with love in her eyes.

I am her world.

And I cannot leave her.

Even before she existed, I’ve had the fear— the nagging fear that will randomly and suddenly paralyze me and make me feel as if it’s doomsday.

I worry about hell. I worry if it’s real. Then, if it is, I’m going there.

I know in my heart Christianity is wack. But at the same time, in my heart, I imagine what safety and security I would feel about death if I knew for 100% certain I wasn’t going to hell.

If I knew for 100% certain I was going to a heaven. A place with no sorrow and no tears.

Does such a place exist? Can such a place exist? Or can you not have one without the other?

Where do we go? If energy is not created or destroyed, where does our consciousness or essence go?

And why are our loved ones left behind?

Is it just darkness?

Do we know who we were?

Will we have an understanding that we are gone?Ripped from the fabric of reality, of life?

How do we handle our own immortality? How can we handle that any day we could die?

Every morning I wake up and I think, “I’m still here. I’m still in this body. It’s still me. I haven’t left.”

And I’m grateful for another day, even if it’s a hard one. Because, it’s another day I get with my daughter.

What if one day I’m gone? And all she has left are memories of me?

Will I have created enough good memories for her?

I love her so much. I hope and I pray I’m here as long as possible to be here for her, to protect her, to love her, to take care of her. But some people aren’t allowed that same luxury. Some people’s time is cut short in our eyes.

They die too soon and in my head I think, “What did they do to deserve it?” “For the wages of sin is death…” that verse plagues my mind.

But what if death isn’t something we deserve? What if it’s something that just happens? Just like life?

For so long, I sat in the cage I created.

I faced the back of the cage, staring at the bars in front of me, longing to escape.