Unraveling Self-Destruction

Mood Journaling

Weekly Check-Out (Feb. 27-March 6 )

Overall last week was okay. It was fairly busy and my anxiety remained high all week which did effect my sleep, but wasn’t too bad. I continued to find healthy outlets for me to relax with each day which is greatly improving my mental wellbeing, so let’s jump into how my goals went. 1. I actually finished an entire book and am half way through another, so I completed AND exceeded my goal of 50 pages a day. Reading has become a great way for me to come down and helped me out on a lot of late nights.

2. This one I failed greatly. I didn’t add on to my workout routine OR actually complete it at all, but more on that to follow.

3. I attempted to do this, but it was out of my control and I have to follow-up on it this week. Since this was out of my control I can’t say I met/failed this goal and will keep it on my list to be achieved.

Weekly Check-In March 6th, 2023

Mood: Anxious & Defeated  Depression: 3 Anxiety: 8 Sleep: 7 hours  Appetite: Below Average

Weekly Goals:

1. Continue apartment clean out  2. Make doctor appointments 3. Take care of vehicle registration & renew license

Last week was stressful for multiple reasons, one of them being that my liver disease symptoms came back in full effect. This impacted me greatly physically, so I was unable to complete my goal of working out last week. That had helped me with a lot of “feeling accomplished” in the week prior, so it was sort of a let down. Reading helped a lot in this regard, and I also found more time to add some casual gaming into my day/night. I always loved gaming, but with life being so busy it’s been harder to game daily over the last few years, so that was super nice for mem as well. I did get to go to the doctor so I am on some temporary medications right now to help with my symptoms, and am working on scheduling more doctor visits this week with my specialists. I should’ve kept up with this and maybe my symptoms wouldn’t have flared, but alas here I am. Luckily I have off this coming weekend and it’s the first time in over a year that my boyfriend won’t be around so I am hoping to get more done apartment wise with the extra time to myself. And as mentioned above, I will not only continue to straighten out my vehicle registration BUT I also need to renew my license! My job needs this as well, so I should have enough motivation to take care of that. I have until the end of the month, but better to have it out of the way and taken care of. Am I right?

I should also mention that even though it wasn’t a goal last week I managed to continue journaling daily. It’s harder to get on here when I work, but I do have a physical journal I write in and am part of an emotional support discord where I complete daily questions as an outlet as well.

Here is yet another prompt which sat un-answered in my drafts for a long while. I think mostly because this is hard to explain to someone who has no concept of addiction. But one of my journaling goals is to make it through all of my prompts without skipping or drafting one for the day. Hence why this, the previous one, and a couple more will be me going back through my drafts.

I finally think I know how to answer this one though. So, by diagnosis I suppose I am an “alcoholic”. Though I do not define myself by this, but that is an entirely separate post. But I was treated for an addiction to alcohol, so for the purpose of this post I will use alcoholic. That being said, I do not think that this is my “true” addiction. Let me explain to you what it is, and how I got here. I think that is the key part in making someone who has never experienced addiction understand,

I have always struggled with coping. Which may sound strange, but I was thinking about it the other day, “Why do I drink? When do I reach for a drink?” and the answer is when I feel overwhelmed or I reach for a drink to feel numb. Why would I want to feel numb? Because honestly, I don’t know what else to do. I’m not one to open up, and the more i thought about it, the more I realized I always numbed. Even before I was able to drink I self-harmed, and when I could do neither I turned to sleep or wishing that I could sleep forever, because the truth is I never wanted to feel. I don’t know what to do with these feelings or how to handle them. Talking, isn’t an option as I’m not great at opening up. And while journaling helps, it can also be hard to face such emotions sometimes.

The self-harm went away, but only because I turned old enough to drink. And from there I am here, now labeled an “alcoholic”. But I don’t think that’s my real addiction. I don’t crave alcohol and I don’t need to drink, I could care less. I have been sober for over a year now. The thing that has remained hard though is not being able to numb these feelings. I sleep more often and I cut just about everyone from my life, because I don’t want to talk about anything or deal with society. I am addicted to being numb. I have a problem with coping.

I journal to look back someday and hopefully: A. Discover something that will help me B. See how far I come C. Find a healthy way to cope and overcome the need to be numb

I know what I need to do, but I am scared to do so. One day maybe I’ll make a weekly goal of finding a therapist. I’ve tried therapy before though, and it’s always the same emotional regulation, sit with your feelings, and some journal prompts. So I am a little hesitant to try again.

But this is what an addiction is like. It starts young and it’s what you’ve always done. You don’t have the tools to fix what’s broken. You know what is and you want to, but you’re stuck. It’s hopeless. It’s lonely. That’s addiction. It doesn’t have to be alcohol, drugs, something illegal etc. It could be anything, at least in my belief, if you feel this way. 

Weekly Check-Out (Feb. 19-Feb. 26)

This is a little delayed because I was so busy this weekend. Overall my mood was steady throughout the week. There were peaks of irritation over the weekend as I became overwhelmed with packing. However, I did good on my weekly goals so I would like to address that first. 1. I was able to successfully journal every day, even if it wasn’t documented here I was able to complete at least one prompt a day in my physical journal, which is a big improvement from no journaling. I found that this does greatly help my mood overall.

2. I was able to meet my physical activity goals daily. It was a slow start, but the fact that I was able to stick to the goal I created meant a lot to me.

3. This is where I sort of faltered. My third goal of the week was to continue to purge my apartment, which I was able to do, but over the weekend I started to reach my emotional limit. I didn’t get as much done as I intended, but I did get 2 bins cleaned and one box ready for donation along with two bags of clothing. Which is better than nothing, so I’ll take it!

Weekly Check-In February 28th, 2023

Mood: Overwhelmed & Nervous Depression: 6 Anxiety: 8 Sleep: 7 hours Appetite: Below Average

Weekly Goals:

1. Read 50 pages a day 2. Add to work-out routine 3. Take care of vehicle registration

Last week helped me establish a lot of routine that I want to create in my life. This week I would like to focus on things that I need to get done. I found that I am more motivated when I am offline and disconnect from the world and I also want to read 1 book a month this year, so I would like to set a goal of reading 50 pages a day. I also want to continue my workout routine, but add a bit more to it as well. I am undecided on what yet, but I want to continue the pattern I established last week as exercise is always a struggle for me to stay on top of. I think having this as a weekly goal will definitely help me strive to continue from last week. I would like to eventually reach the point where I can wake up for morning routine or even go out for a jog. For now I am starting with stretching, dumbbells, and weight bearing exercises. As for goal three, it has been a while since I visited my parents (who live in a different state), and I have some things i need to take care of there. The main one being picking up my new vehicle registration, but I also need to renew my license, return some books I borrowed from my mother, and a small visit with my parents would be nice too. I work this weekend so I only have one day to accomplish all of this. As much as I would like to continue work in my apartment I think I should take my day off to get these tasks completed, that way I can spend my multiple days off in a row focusing on my apartment. Fingers crossed that since I am planning this out now I will be able to stick to it.

Hang out with people you admire or aspire to be.

If you want to be sober, hang out with sober people. These people will be more interested in doing activities outside of drinking. What good will it do to have friends who constantly frequent the bar for nights out? Or brunch with mimosas? If you want to be married then hang out with those who are true in relationships. What good will it do to have friends who are into casual hook-ups or cheat in committed relationships? If you want to be active then hang out with people who will encourage you to leave the house, or plan activities outside or those involving physical activity. What good will it do to be friends with those who want to lay around all day? If you want to challenge your mind then don’t be friends with those who aren’t open minded or those who poison their mind with things like drugs. Find people to engage in active debates and meaningful conversations with. Find people to trade books with.

Dear Ex-Fiancé,

This prompt has sat in my drafts for way too long, but that’s not why I’m choosing to type this out to you now. I’m typing this because I feel like I am ready for it now. I am ready to face the truth and tell it to you as well. To write this sooner I would have either: A. Been lying to you or B: This would be filled with more love.

I used to be completely in love with you. I truly thought I could have loved you forever, but now I see how much was wrong with our relationship. I think that we were together for so long because we were comfortable, and we moved in together so fast that neither of us really knew how to get out of it. “Get out of it” sounds pretty grime. What I really mean is, we had an established pattern and we did not know how to go on without each other. I am thankful to my addiction in this regard, because the path of recovery has opened my eyes. It has shown me what I can accomplish alone and that I am worthy of a relationship that I deserve. That we both deserve actually. We still can’t be in the same room without a fight starting and that is not healthy. We have so much history, in a bad way, between us because we have both made a lot of mistakes throughout our relationship that neither of us are willing to forgive the other for. How would a marriage have worked? How would it have lasted?

I’m finally with someone who provides for me what I needed from you, without me ever having to ask. I am with someone who shows me things about myself every day. Someone truly amazing, who came into my life when it was upside down and knew everything about my past, but chose to stay. As they have stayed by my side they have watched me become who I am today. It’s embarrassing for me to think back to how they met me, but I wouldn’t change a bit of it. Because when things get bad I know it can never be as bad as it was when we met, and that comforts me. He has promised to always be there and that together we can overcome anything. I actually believe him when he says that, because he showed me.

You said the same sorts of things to me, but when the going got tough, you failed to show me. I don’t wish you ill. You were a big, big part of my life, and we did have good times together. I will treasure those. And I don’t think I would do anything different, you were a part of my story and a huge impact on my life. But we can’t be together or we both can’t undo what we have done to each other.

I will always care for you. I will always be there for you when you need it. But I am not in love with you. I fell out of love with you a while ago. I used to say a part of me would always love you, but honestly, I don’t even know if I can say that now.

This is me coming to terms with what has happened and laying it to rest. This is my undelivered love letter, but it’s more like an undelivered goodbye.

Sincerely,

I’m doing 30 days of joy. They can be big or small. But writing down one a day to remind myself that there’s always something good to be found.

I’m on day 2 but wanted to share today’s because it was a compliment from a stranger in a store. Probably something so little to the person who made it, yet it out so much joy into MY day. When I approached the register she said “You’re so cool” but it wasn’t overly excited or just a passing compliment. The tone she said it with made me believe that she meant it. And the expression she had when she said it? Purely genuine. It made me grin ear to ear and I came into work in the BEST mood.

Weekly Check-In

Mood: Inspired & Exhausted Depression: 3 Anxiety: 5 Sleep: 8 hours Appetite: Average

Weekly Goals:

1. Journal Daily 2. Slowly incorporate exercise into daily routine 3. Continue to purge apartment on days off

This was the 2nd week in my work schedule rotation and that is always my least favorite, as it means I have to work the weekend so that usually means little/no time with my boyfriend. It also has a lot of back to back working days with only a day break in between. It’s no surprise that by Sunday shift I usually am exhausted. The saving grace is that the weekend has (so far) been fairly low key at work, which is really nice. Other than that, I’ve been feeling more inspired as I recently started journaling again and I on my one day off I got a lot of things that I’ve been putting off taken care of. It has me ready to continue to strengthen my habits that have fallen by the way side due to work.

Which leads directly into my goals. My goals are small, but for me they are a step I need to start with. It’s always easier to make achievable goals, and no one ever made a lifestyle change overnight. For this reason I am choosing to start small in hopes that these will stick and I can move onto bigger goals next week. In a shocking turn, I feel like I may do more journaling on days I work as it is easier to do before I go in and during the quieter moments in the night at work. This week is my favorite rotation at work (weekends off and days in a row stacked), and this means that I have to really motivate myself on my days off to pick up my journal and/or computer to keep this up. My boyfriend and I have been trying to figure out the best way for me to slowly build up to where I was strength wise with exercise. I say “my boyfriend and I”, because his job is very active and athletic driven, so I turn to him for a lot of advice on work outs and I have been wanting to go back to working out for a long time but uncertain where to begin. We finally came up on a small plan I can start with, but it seems to all fall to pieces when I have a bad day or get lazy, so I really need to work on getting in a routine where this small workout becomes something I wake up and go into. That way I can move onto bigger things and finally start taking strides in the right direction.

As I mentioned earlier, I have multiple days off in a row in the week to come. This makes it the perfect week to work on getting more done around the apartment. I have been working on getting a lot of unnecessary items out, this way I have less to worry about when I move. Plus this weekend my boyfriend is bringing a truck up to help me get boxes of my stuff out moved out of my house. For this, I need to have boxes ready to go. And I need to not to do what I always do when my boyfriend is here, which is get distracted from my cleaning goal. Since we see each other so infrequently, I usually push my goals to the side and want to go out or spend time watching movies. I have to remind myself there can and will still be time for that, but my priority needs to be purging my useless items and continuing to straighten up/minimize my apartment, that way it’ll be easier for us to actually move in together. THEN, we can spend our days together and do more activities. But I will never get there if I keep losing sight of my goals while we are together.

Health Updates:

-Bipolar was a misdiagnosis and I’m off the medication

-Depression issues resolved and off of these medications too

-Anxiety remains, but is lowered. Only medication I’m on, it’s only as needed, and I mostly take it to help with sleeping.

Recently I’ve been getting ready to move, again. Uncertain of when as life has thrown a lot of curveballs at my boyfriend and I. It’s made us uncertain of where we will settle (currently between 3 different states), but overall I know I’ll be moving this year. Getting rid of a lot of unnecessary items I’ve been holding onto for too long. And clearing out my apartment has motivated me more to make other changes such as waking up earlier and working out prior to work. All these changes have made me want to journal more as well. So I think I’ll start here.

If I could say yes to any three things it would be:

1. Traveling (Like many others would answer I’m sure, but I don’t think I have the time or the money. I’m also not the best at planning and have never left the east coast. And me navigating airports / flying? Forget it. I’d need a travel buddy to help me out if I were to do more traveling, but I would really like to)

2. Starting Over (I would absolutely love to be one of those people who can just pick up all of their things and relocate. But I hate moving, hate change, and am absolutely terrible at packing. I mean it’s been 2 months and I’m still barely unpacked at my apartment...)

1. PUSH BOUNDARIES: Don’t believe everything you think. 2. SAY YES: What you deny and ignore, you delay. What you accept and face, you conquer. 

I achieved many of my past ambitions, and now they are either destroyed or lay in wake of possibly disappearing. I always wanted to be married and have a gorgeous meaningful wedding. I was engaged to a guy who customized the engagement ring, I had the perfect dress, customized cake toppers, the location, just about everything planned. And I lost him. And the deposits. I always wanted to be a nurse. I got my nursing degree, and my dream job in OB nursing. But now I’ve been out on leave since May, my job is in jeopardy. I live alone. My apartment is in jeopardy due to my income.

I had a best friend once. We were basically sisters and she would do anything for me, vice versa. We haven’t talked in a month. She’s been very distant, distant enough for me to assume the friendship is over. Our sistership is lost.