Sincerely Dani

It sneaks

Silently in

Closes the shutters

Ebony abyss

Suddenly sucked in

Reeling

From agony

The heart,

Shatters once more

Bending down

She indifferently

Fingers the sharp shards

Crimson blood pumps

From the wound

Red and angry

She watches that too

"I should piece it back together" she muses

Yet, she still watches

Incoherent thoughts

Racing through

She walks away.

Suddenly bone tired

"Maybe another day"

She never expected to be hauled to square

This agony

Worse than she'd ever experienced

"I'll get through it somehow"

The flames cackling

Eating

The remaining foundations

The house

Not a home

Many a tear, travelled

Down it's framework

She had learnt a lot

What use would it have now?

The fear

Simple fear

To allow herself

Vulnerability

Open creaking gates

Many a brick

Placed upon

Another cement brick

To keep others out

Lovingly taken care of

What use was it now?

Captivated, by emerald eyes

Would she tear, them down

Could she?

Seeking comfort within,

Was all she knew,

Love.

Was something she didn't

I fear my capacity to love

I'm all or nothing

Either I care

By extension

Love a person

For who they are

When I don't

They don't exist

Love

Something so simple

Yet

If put in the wrong hands

Catastrophic

I watched my biological parents

Turbulent relationship

And

My foster parents

Unable to communicate

I didnt exactly, grow up to a 'healthy presentation'

Yet,

I watch my foster sisters with love in their eyes

Their hearts on their sleeves

I ponder, when my time will come

Where I could, finally let down those walls

See, they've been up so long

I wonder if they can ever be truly let down

Every time,

I think; I can

Where I'm not pushed to run,

I remember sitting on those beige carpeted stairs

My Mother's ebony hair flashing by me

Her heavy tread

Blunt determination

The echo of the slam

So hard, the windows rattled

I sat there at an age so ripe

And thought

"If this is what love is, I don't want it"

Maybe that's where my avoidant attachment began.

Who knows?

Years later, I know it wasn't my issues to take on

Yet I'm still picky

I won't give out my heart to just anyone

I do have capacity

But I'm tired of constantly picking up the pieces

Although no one enters a relationship

The knowledge of knowing, that that could happen

Yet risk it anyway

If the stakes were in my favour,

Perhaps,

I would put my heart at risk for someone.

Pick up my pen

Create some order

Within a mind

That has no influence

Nor control

On the outcome

Instead

I detach

Expectations

Because

When one has them

One way or another

That's how to get hurt

I could write on another subject

But I fear

It will serve to amplify

I don't need it

Others perceptions

Influence me, to peer at mine

I constantly wonder

Why I look so deep

Why I analyze,

Wouldn't it be simpler for a person to tell me?

Instead of trying to figure it out myself?

Could I even..

Ever do that?

I deflect

Truthfully

I know my answer

The unspoken question

Why I am; the way I am

For work it helps

I won't miss a thing

Arguably,

I've saved myself heartbreak

I've saved myself from betrayal

I've saved myself; when no one else was there

Can I save myself from that?

Do I need to?

The survival instinct is too strong

I would rather see it coming

Than be surprised

Thus

At another stalemate

They look at me

Concern written in their eyes

Years too late

If my opinion ever mattered

So I reply

"I don't regret it"

Because I don't

Someone needed her,

So that's what I became

I didn't need the stories,

When a mind so young

Could not fathom it

I didn't need to adjust

And learn,

Emotions didn't matter

I didn't need to learn

Create a skin so slippy

Insults slip off easily

I didn't need

Criticism from my own

That everyday

I peer

And still

Hate

Myself

I, yet again

Sacrificed

My heart, to the pyre

It burst to flames

Pieces raining down

In it's wake

Darkness swept in

Threatening to dig up memories

Determined,

I bent down

Beginning

My imperfect fragile mosaic

I may not be

Where I wish to be

I'll be damned

If I dont start somewhere

Heart heavy with grief

A frail age

To have experienced worlds cruelty

Knowledge of her parents decision

Ultimately created ripples

She would feel years on

Though, surely she would not bear responsibility?

Yet.

She did.

Do not have a child, you do not want

Whether they grow up

Feeling like they do not belong

Family isn't always blood

Why did no one bother

To look closer

Bother to peer into her complexity

Simply answered, no one cared

Cared enough to strike

Felt the echo of the blow

Well after it happened

Such perfectionism

Hard to believe

What will you do, she's in the corner?

I bade you 'Adieu'

I will no longer hold on

Till crimson gushes from my hands

Because you've been telling me, goodbye

I will no longer, send you long paragraphs

Beg for a sliver of decency,

I won't reply promptly,

I'll match efforts

There are others clamouring for my attention,

Whilst you hesitate

Pausing at the threshold

Maybe it's because the mystery is over

Anyway

Matters not

'Adieu'

When I finally gathered courage

To be myself

To see the beauty within

And outside

Years I spent within a gilded cage

Of own making

Each sentence uttered, heavy on tongue

Worrying over perception

Environment allowed me to shine

Purely to be myself

Not often life gave those chances

I was someone's shadow

Picked up every broken piece

A beautiful imperfect fragile mosaic