My Puzzled Life.

I guess the other shoe has officially dropped.  

Isn't it time I write about love again. The joys and sorrows it brings. The happiness and laughter that never seems to fade. Our weekends together have been amazing almost to good to actually be true. The best part is they aren't a dream and it's not a fantasy. We are stronger than we've ever been. And with each new day I find something about you to enjoy a little more than before. The way you smile when you don't have anything else to say, or the firm way you hold mine hand. The way your face lights up when talking about your day or the way you just look at me until I turn away. Our playful fights or the endless conversation. We are finally standing on solid ground and it feels so good. You were my rock with everything that happened with my sister and I know more than ever I can count on you in time like that. When I needed you the most you were there. These past two weekends with you have been so amazing and I can't seem to find an extraordinary word to describe exactly how I feeling. The only thing that comes to mind is so happy. I am so happy with you. I feel lucky that you wake up everyday with patience for me. I'm grateful for the love you give me. I'm thankful for the life we share. And I'm oh so proud to call you mine. I feel like our spark has been lit again and something amazing is just on the horizon for us.

No one is ever proud to say it, but everyone has insecurities. Oh boy do I have a bunch of them. But my main downfall is that I am insecure about my relationship. Never in a million years did I imagine dating my best friend, and it has been the best and worst experiences of my life. We click so well and the time we spend together has always been nothing short of amazing. But what you do not see when you look at us is my insecurity I feel about our relationship. I had always told his pervious girlfriend/anyone who would ask that "We are just friends" "there is nothing going on between us". Until there suddenly was... So of course everything between us is amazing more than I could ever hope for, but I'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm waiting for karma to peek its ugly head out and get me back for all the years of saying there is nothing going on and stating that nothing would ever happen between us. How is it that I am with this man that thinks the world of me? Where is the catch? When will the other shoe fall? So I constantly live in a fear that now one of his close girlfriend will do exactly what happened. You know they say history repeats itself. And the most awful thing about it is that I am absolutely in love with him that I couldn't imagine life without him by my side. I couldn't imagine having another person to do life with and more importantly I do want anyone else. So when does my other shoe fall? Do I eventually lose everything that makes me so happy? When will karma come for me or has it already?

I've tried writing several times and when it comes down to it my mind either goes blank or I just stop writing completely. But why? Is there something more important or have I lost my voice all together. Have I become someone who just able to be forgotten? What makes all this worse is that I've been forgotten by the one man who's supposed to be doing it right, but instead he ends up breaking my heart. There is a quote that says "She broke her heart trying to hold on to him". Why is it that no matter what I make time for him? Why do I always text him when I can and why do I crave his attention? Why do I do all the things that make him matter in my life when he cannot even do the same. I've tried talking to him about it, I've cried my eyes out plenty of times and yet he still does everything that hurts me. It's time to step back and let him see what a couple of days without me is like. It's time to evaluate who I am and who I want to be to him. It's time to take the time and see if he's really the person I think he is.

This trip was eye-opening and such a wonderful experience, it is not often you get to share a room with 6 of your other cousins. We may not all share the same values, think the same way, or even agree on what to eat most days but that is the most refreshing thing about us. We all come from the same family but the difference in opinions and outlooks that we all bring to the table are what makes us so versatile, they make us grow as people, and challenge us to look at the world in different view all while being able to make out own decisions and allow us to be confident enough to stand up for what we believe in. So thank you, FAMILY, because without yall I wouldn’t be the strong, independent, feminist I am today. 

I had this dream that he’d come into town show up to my house with flowers ask for a date and basically sweep me off my feet, and although that’s not what I got I enjoyed the time I spent with him. This weekend was the first time I went on a date since our oh so official break up. I must say at first it was awkward we’re relearning how to be together. The love is there it’s different because although we were apart for a short period of time we’ve learned how to do things without the other. As the night went on we spoke about issues we had in the past, how much we loved each other, and how we were going to make it work. Now I know he knows what he need to work on but relationships are a two way street and there are several things I have to face. 1. The mom: I have to put everything that happened behind me. 2. The best friend: although I strongly dislike (maybe even hate) his best friend that’s his best friend and I have to let go of my issues with him. I am willing to give this relationship a fair fighting chance if he is. And he’s so far done his part so it’s time to do mine. I am a grudge holder; I will remember that one bad thing that happened years ago…. But it’s time to rise above that. His mom and best friend well they will always be in my life as long as he is. So there is no point in hating them because it only makes life harder for myself. Aside from all that it’s hard to just go back after everything that’s happened my heart is still healing and although I love him more than anything I can’t help but worry about facing the rejection I received when I poured my heart out to him. Maybe this is just my own way of trying to protect myself, but I said no running and well I meant it. I want this to work or at least have a true second chance but I am scared. You're either all in or not in at all. So guys I’m doing it; putting my heart on the line and hoping it doesn’t get destroyed in the process.

Some may find comfort in running back to the people of their past. Some have no desire to even look back once they have moved forward; but what about the people who are stuck in the middle. The people who think that the past could work but were already moving forward with their lives. People like me. What is the right choice for them? Well guys it’s not surprise that I find myself stuck in the middle again. Things have changed and I like what I’ve been offered but the situation I often find myself in is complicated. He says that he loves me and wants a second go around. The funny thing about second chances is that there is always a reminder of the past around the corner. An acquaintance who doesn’t know there was a break up so then explain to them the “talking phase” is 1. too much information for them and and they are only mentioning the past relationship as a courtesy 2. pointless in explaining if y'all believe getting back together is truly in the cards and wait for it 3. they are no one significant in your life so why do you feel the need to explain it to them. A fight that brings up old feelings. There always seems to be a door to the past and it never seems to completely close. Our door seems to be opening and aside from all the other things we have yet to face (and believe me there will be a lot) it already seems complicated. It’s been about 2 weeks since we decided to start talking again yet it feels like time hasn’t changed the love we have for each other. In my opinion that’s worth facing the complicated issues together. Maybe I’m wrong and it was never supposed to workout again. But if I’m right this could last us a lifetime, and even though I’m not a betting gal; I bet it’s worth another try. After-all, all there is left to loose in the end is time.

I took a week of for vacation, but as promised I am back. As much as I hate to admit it I was lost before my vacation. I was not sure of the things I wanted, where I wanted to go, or how I was going to get there. The only thing I knew for sure was I was going to drive until I felt like I was where I belong. There was a part of me that wanted to crawl in bed and hid until I was ready to face life, but if we wait for those moments we will have lived our whole lives hiding. I ended up at the beach, and the next day at the casino, then down to the Valley. Driving has always been one of my favorite things to do. There is nothing like driving down what seems like an endless road and finding a place where anything is possible. There is a quote it states: “In these moments I swore we were infinite” I never understood this quote until I lived it. Life is about the moments you get to experience, even if they are experienced with no one else around what matters is that you were able to taste moments of true happiness. And isn’t that what life is all about: the happiness we can find. 

After finals I’ll share my insight to moving forward, forgiving, and how my life is going aside from my life with AJ.

Today was supposed to be our two year anniversary. Usually I would be planning so extravagant event for Aj and I, but today it’s just the 7th basically any other day of the month. It no longer holds any significance and I am no longer sad because of that. See I’m not missing much AJ was never the boy to bring flowers on our anniversary, or plan something special for the two of us. If we did something it was my idea my choice. It’s never about the gifts or the amount of money spent, but about the effort you show the person you love. I thought today was going to be hard, but it was a good day. I volunteered at the donation station for the battered women’s shelter. I have started to heal and I’m an not bitter, spiteful, or upset anymore. I can’t make someone want to be with me. I had someone love me and most people wait 100 years to find that. Aj will always have a place in my heart and of course I still love him, but I deserve more. I am stronger today than I was yesterday.

This weekend we had plans, I would  have left and been in Brownwood around 6 just in time for dinner. This is our first of many plans that will pass without happening. If AJ taught me anything and as sure as I type this I know he would be proud that I finally am able to be okay with the changes life has to bring. I was watching Private Practice the other day and Addison said: “WE MAKE PLANS AND GOD JUST LAUGHS”. We had so many plans and for the first time in several years I know and find comfort in the fact that plans change and I AM OKAY WITH THAT. If anything aj always asked me to be a little more flexible with our plans it is kind of ironic that now we have split up I am okay with the changes life has brought me. I do not know what is next for me, but I do know that today although I miss you I know that it is for the best. Today I miss you and that is okay.

Well hello there old friends. It has been a while since I have written my last post and goodness has so much gone on in my life since we last talked. I do not even know where to begin. I have changed colleges and started a new life in a city far away from where we first started. AJ no longer is my significant other although he is still in my life we are struggling to figure out where we stand.  Since my last post AJ has been a changed man. It was like the light that burned in him was gone. Everything I thought he was made of, the person I thought he was in an instant he was no more. At the end of March he has his second seizure and life as we knew it changed. I believe when life faces you with a difficult decision how you handle it is a true test of character. And the way he handled his situation was not the way I expected the man I knew to react. With that being said NO ONE wanted to challenge his decisions…no one but me. When I have done something wrong or have made a foolish decision that i cannot see I expect family, friends, especially my significant other to say something tell me I and wrong and show me why. After facing his medical issues AJ and I were never the same. We of course still loved each other and more than anything I wish we could have gone back but we were different our life together was different. Maybe for him this wasn’t the part in our relationship where everything changed but from my perspective this was the big issue we hit and never came back from. Fights were regular and the small things AJ used to do he no longer did. Not that he was a horrible boyfriend but he wasn’t the man I once knew. With all that being said the only thing I was certain of was how much i loved that boy. We kept it together up until recently where our fights were just TOO much. Our relationship ended officially. I still from time to time miss the conversations, knowing how his day was or what upset him and where he found some comfort, but we have drifted apart and the separation in someway was hurtful yet I found a sense of relief. So now we are off doing our own things, living new experiences apart from each other. We still speak from time to time but it hasn’t been the same and it never will. I can only hope the man I once loved comes back but not because I'm holding on to that for our relationships sake but for his own sake. He lost sight of who he was and that is the worst possible issue to face.

I finally felt like we were okay. But every time I feel like I can breathe again I am reminded that I can't. Reminded that this relationship is still building back up and there is no wiggle room for fights or mistakes. This relationship is not a give and a take it's a take and a take. It seems like the more I try to be someone important to you the less important I become. I hate the way you make me feel like I worry to much or that I shouldn't worry at all. Well we worry about the things that matter most to us. And for me that's you. I worry about you the most with everything, every single moment of every single day. So yes the little things like not answering me when I say hello on the phone and I freak out a bit because who knows what could have happened. Could there be bad news coming or is it just the start of our routine nightly calls? I mean what it all comes back down to is this still what we want? Is this what I want? Will things ever go back to the way they were?