Fierce.

I completed my 2nd semester of graduate school, taking one of the hardest classes within the program. I studied hours on hours for the MCAT, and took it mid April. I took an Anatomy lecture/lab at a CC, consisting of a 4 hour class from 6-10pm twice a week, mainly in hopes of obtaining a recommendation letter from the professor. I spent countless hours studying, never leaving spare time to go out and do something fun. I drank so much caffeine my skin becoming flaky with patchy rashes. I shut myself inside, rarely communicating to people other than my bf. I thought if I could push myself to work as hard as I could for just 5 months, it would all be worth it.

With only one more final left on Monday before I’m done with all this endless studying, I honestly feel like these last 5 months have been a complete waste of time and energy. With the way things are going, I’m probably going to receive a B on one of my courses at SDSU. I didn’t get the MCAT score I wanted, which I mainly attribute to being so damn tired. I asked my anatomy professor for a LOR but her answer was: I’m not giving you a flat out no, but you really have to prove to me first. In addition she was very critical of my introvertedness, and basically told me I wasn’t going anywhere until I gain some confidence. Basically, nothing seems to be going by plan, and I’m so so SO burnt out. 

Was all the work worth it? No. 

Do I regret it? Hell yeah. 

So where do we go from here? I don’t really know.

Honestly after the conversation with my teacher about lacking confidence, I’m really starting to rethink things. I’ve definitely gained a lot of confidence during the past year, especially with talking to teachers, but is it enough? Am I cut out for this? Am I just pushing something that I’m just not capable of pushing anymore? I’m willing to keep trying to grow, but at this point I don’t know how much more I can wait on myself. It’s been 2+ years since graduating from college, and I’m still chasing this “dream” of getting accepted into medical school, spending another 4 years in medical school, and not being able to actually work and make money until I’m 30. 

Life hasn’t been as great as I hoped it would be. 

I’ve been staying at home for the last 6ish months, working, trying to complete applications, not doing all that much. TBH all of this kind of sucks. I know I should be thankful for having a roof over my head, not having to pay for anything, and that my mom’s doing alright, but honestly living here kind of sucks. All I do here is work, go home, eat, maybe gym and watch netflix, and repeat. I barely have a social life and it’s driving me crazy, especially going to snapchat and instagram in my spare time and seeing all my friends going out and doing these cool things. I honestly think that I’m wasting my youth away, because at 22 years old you should be going out with your friends, having adventures, etc. right? Now I’m just wishing every thing would fast forward to when times are better and I’m not stuck in this boring routine. What makes it a little worse is that I was even planning to stay in SD and even had a job with a start date lined up too. Then all of a sudden I had to cancel all my plans and got sucked back here. What also sucks is that I don’t really feel comfortable talking or hanging out with my parents either, because whenever I do it’s always about what I’m going to do next and have I applied to med school yet and that I’m going to waste my life away with how I currently am. But trust me, I do not want to be stuck in this state for that much longer, it’s sucking the life outta me. I’m even planning on moving back to SD next year so I can actually have a daily social life and be around my SO and friends. But UGH, I have to keep living this way for the next 4-5ish months.