CARMEN

The job search process can be gruesome or even awful. 

But it is part of the process. 

Learning to hang out still despite it all. 

Knowing that the Lord is the one who leads and guides me in this process. 

I do not need to fear of the uncertainty. 

“If God is for me, who can be against me.”

// I do not even need to care what others thinks of me. 

If I did not laughed out that day, would everything have changed?

If I was real, would everything be different now? 

Or yet, if I would say- if I was answered differently that day, would everything have changed? 

Yet I could only tell myself- it is ok. 

even so that as my heart feels un-bearable, I could only pray. 

Because only in the presence of God, that I find peace and strength again. 

Psalms 73

26 My flesh and my heart may fail,    but God is the strength of my heart    and my portion forever.

Sometimes it feels hard to understand why we have such hurts or disappointments. Sometimes, it just does not make sense. 

Something so small, yet felt so great. 

Yet, when our hearts are hurting, we still chose to say- that God is with us. 

Psalms 139:7-8

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?    Where can I flee from your presence? 8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

Lord, may my heart not harden to the things of yours. 

I don’t know what happened, but it seems that my heart has disconnected from you. The way I have connected with you as seems to changed. 

Why? I felt the answer was due to indifference. 

It all starts from the little things. From the mornings whereby I had to wake up to SOT classes for ‘praise & worship’ time. I became indifferent. I did not took it seriously. Perhaps it showed my lack of disrespect. Just as how they say- “familiarity breeds contempt.”

It is all in the little attitudes that shows it all. Such effects does not happen overnight. It is the little things that built up. From- waking up late to classes, to praise and worship, having such attitude towards the things of God. 

How you treat such things began to shows how much you value it. Perhaps that shows how I valued the presence of God for praise and worship. I remembered days ago, I had this strong urge, that I had to read His word. I “ignored” that drawing and did not respond. Tiredness and my flesh kicked in. 

Now, I felt my heart has turned cold somehow. There was no longer a strong desire and longing for me to read the Word of God as I had always desired. I believe this desire does not comes from our own flesh. It is always God that draws us. 

I am just so so so thankful. 

Thinking back, I am sure this has only been possible through His grace. 

1) I managed to see a Senior Consultant Doctor, with the same subsidised rate for all doctors. They gave me a good doctor. [He was patient and drew out diagrams to better explain to me to make the wise decision.]

2) As I went through the “longer” route of going through Polyclinic, I was able to get subsidised rate. However my next visit to the hospital was within days. (Typically, it could take up to many weeks and months.) [I found out the doctor made a special remark for an urgent visit.]

3) I am thankful surgery went through successfully, I was able to go through it. 

4) Yesterday, just after one day, the wound was closed up. I was so shocked. I could not see the open wound anymore. [By right, I was supposed to have another appointment again on Monday to check.] 

5) I went out lunch with my ministry friends..they told me I could claim my day insurance under it...I doubt I can pay it fully, but its OK. Awareness is important too. 

6) FINALLY...Someone blessed me with $50!!!! Although to him it might be a small amount as he said, I always believe its all given in faith and obedience. For it is given at the right time. Timely season indeed. Ultimately, God is the blesser and giver of all. He is our source. 

Today, I went to the hospital to see a general surgeon. 

Note: The fact that I am posting this story here just shows how I really value this platform as my safe space, something that I can look back years down the road, reflecting on God’s goodness over my life. In fact, I realised most of my past entries written in the past years were my most painful moments in school. Looking back now, things have changed indeed. I am just so thankful to what God is doing. 

Back to the story. It all started last week, where one evening, the lump on my left underarm began to protrude out extra tissues. It was terrifying for me that day. The lump had been there since a year ago. As I went for IPL, therapists said it is due to ingrown hair, my underarm is dry and etc. 

I thank God, that as I went to my GP, I decided to go to the subsidised route. My GP said this will be slower. But i thank God that he really provided through the way. The next day (Thursday) as I went to the polyclinic, the doctor let me went for wound dressing. 

It was interesting, as there were 4 nurses taking care of me that time. I guess because it was the late afternoon too. The nurse managed to take out the extra tissues that was protruding out on my skin. That was surely a major relief. 

Within days, (1 week later), i was scheduled an appointment urgently to the doctor. I think this is really by God’s grace that I managed to secured an appointment. (Bc I heard this could go up to weeks.) The doctor at the polyclinic requested for an urgent appointment. I am so thankful for that. 

So fast forward to the Thursday today, I thank God I went to the surgeon. The doctor advised me to take it out. He used drawings on paper for an easier explanation to me, so that I knew what he was going to do. I thank God for an experience doctor, like really. He was slightly older on age, and he is very patient with me too. 

During the surgery, he added local anaesthesia to my underarm. Oh boy, I could feel the needles going in. I did not expect this, definitely. The injection felt like ages. I could feel the pressure and pain even though there was local anaesthesia....I was shocked as well that this happened, that it was so quick. 

I remembered when I hesitated this decision, the doctor also advised me another alternative, to wait for another month or weeks, and ask the nurse at Polyclinic to squeeze it out. However, he advised that the whole is too small, and it needs to be incision and drained. Thus the surgery was called- incision and drainage. 

But yet after the surgery, I was so glad it was over. I just felt it really showed me how we are really conquerors through Christ, and I am able to take on any other hardships or pain... (of course, I am not hoping for anything worst.)

Note: I will be having 4 tooth extraction for my braces next Monday, 6th July 2020. I guess today was just a short glimpse of what might happened again in a few days time... O Lord, may your grace be sufficient for me. 

I feel so much relief right now after the surgery. I just felt a peace of mind. 

Sometimes we avoid the painful process... but when we go through the needed journey, it brings us so much joy after that. Just as the scriptures says- “present suffering, future glory.” Chinese sayings goes- “短痛不如长痛”

I felt the burden has been lifted me off. I no longer have to worry if this will ever if this lump will come back again. 

In fact, it is for the better as the doctor is able to clear out all the bacteria, especially those that have been stuck in the tissue walls, which are difficult to remove. 

I may not have been fully healed without any surgery.. But I thank God that after this minor surgery, this will be healed. Else, I have to go through many weeks or even months for the subtle painful process, which might have even been worse. A once and for all clean-up is definitely good. 

I may have went through surgery, but it is inevitable that God’s healing was in the midst. Especially how the lump’s size subsided during the past one week. I am now praying for a speedy recovery, and that I will not have a scar remaining on my underarm skin. 

I also pray that to anyone that is reading this and is going through difficult times, especially emotionally or physically, that may God’s peace and presence be with you in this period. (If you need any prayers, please feel free to drop me a DM too.) 

Remember, not to go through this alone. I realised this the “hard” way.  our support group and community will bring much of a difference. I was personally blessed by my support groups when I choose to humble myself, and share as the Lord leads me too. There is power in agreement and unity. Many times, we just want to put a mask... yet there is tremendous power when we start being real to ourselves and to the people around us. Be bold, be brave. Do not be afraid of your weakness or what you are struggling with. God bless you. And.... 

This too is an endless chasing under the sun.

Perhaps it is the affections of our heart. Like in Proverbs 4:23,

“So above all, guard the affections of your heart, for they affect all that you are. Pay attention to the welfare of your innermost being, for from there flows the wellspring of life.“

I seemed to be numb. It is good that I stopped feeling sad after 10 minutes, as I seek the Lord. Below is what I felt earlier on as I posted it on my IG story. It best describes what I was really feeling. Now, i feel numb, seemingly unable to express it how I felt earlier on. It was an emotional ride earlier on.

It was in my whole being. Time to stop entertaining those emotions.

Perhaps it is all always about having a vision and purpose in our lives and all that we do too.

Dear One,

It’s been long. What happened last night and over the past days and week(s) made me reflect deeply this time round. And perhaps this spurred me to write this blog post again finally. I think such blog posts are so precious. It is another different channel than your personal diary. I feel that whenever I write here, these are time of “pain” and times whereby I am “extraordinary painful”. 

I thought I could manage it well, but deep down, I am struggling a-lot right from then till now. It feels like I am numb. I feel there are many things I can’t settle in my mind. 

Maybe it is my flesh that I am struggling alot badly. To cut the chase of it, I felt I am living in legalism. It is not easy to live by priorities and values. Seriously. I struggled- like I should have went to chill-out with them, have drinks. 

I think it is so important that I get to spend time with “current” friends. I love meeting old friends for sure, but I feel it is important for me to spend time with people in my current environment. 

It is painful. But it takes wisdom. Truly, the fear of the Lord is beginning of wisdom. 

It all started whereby I “skipped” that one lunch. I broke my promise because of what I felt. That should not have been the way. And now, I could feel it intensifying even greater. I was led by my feelings instead of what was promised and told. 

I mean, unless I know is the prompting of the Lord. Otherwise, I have to deny my flesh. I have to stop being and guided by how I feel. Although i still feel horrible for real now. 

But as i sought Him, He revealed a word. That is such a precious word. I don’t need Men to tell me what to do in such times. I should have obeyed and went home. That is one regret that I had too. I felt that was the time the Lord wants me to focus on Him and seek Him. And not even from words of “wise men”. 

I thank God for that 30min of being in His presence. Although I am so upset I broke it by meeting and fellow shipping with them awhile. lol. 

I just want to hear from God. I know when it comes to root issues, it is always best to get from the source directly. When the Lord prompts, I obey. For his heart is the best for me. 

I guess whatever God says is just what it is. May I be connected to the source of life. I love that 30min of uninterrupted talk with God.. being so open and real. Although I may be struggling. And at that moment of communion, every struggle seem to die down. I may not fully feel ok, but at least I know with Him, everything will be ok. 

“Only You, My Lord, My God, 

In your hands, you hold it all, 

Fill this void inside of me, 

Nothing else satisfies me more..”

I love how the Lord moves in one of such ways- reminding me of unexpected songs. I never listened to this song on Youtube (because it is never found in youtube) but this song came up to me accurately with its original lyrics. I remembered this was sung once in CGM or altar call in camp? haha cant remember..

But this is my prayer and cry.Lord, only you can satisfy me deepest needs. No void can be filled by any one else. No colleagues could do that. I solely depend on you. 

Now, it feels like things are turning the other way round. I am blessed with so many great colleagues and workmates that are fun and nice to be with. I really enjoy being with them. Yet, deep down, I know I am not satisfied. 

Perhaps this is because i have been finding comfort in them? Finding my joy in talking to them? 

Lord, teach me how to handle success. Teach me how to handle blessings. 

Humans all long to be accepted by everyone, or at least in groups. 

No one loves the feeling of being left out, be it introverted/extroverted, shy/outgoing. 

We all long for acceptance. 

We all long for love. 

We all long for connections. 

We are all made to love. 

But question is, what if we struggle to fit in? What if we feel like no one accepts us? 

The question back is, do you based on worth by what others say of you? 

Do you base yourself on people who don’t know how to appreciate you? 

Do you see yourself in the eyes of others? 

What if, for the longest time, you been feeding yourself with lies? 

Friend, do not see yourself in the situation you are in. 

You are more worthy than what you think you are.

Because we are all made uniquely different. 

There will be different people whom we feel we can instantly connect to, some probably not.

Don’t force your way into trying to grow closer to them. 

Instead, love. Love is the greatest thing of all. 

People will naturally then draw towards you. 

Stop thinking the worst of yourself. Stop thinking that you will be stuck in this big black hole. There will be a w a y out. 

At the end of the day, you will realize how did you even manage to go through all of these? Because the word of God says that “This too shall pass”. 

Everything will end soon before we know it. 

Jesus did on the cross for you, for your sins. He has come to give you eternal life, life more abundantly than ever. Jesus did not promise us a perfect life but a life that is always filled with His presence if we decide to follow Him. He is our greatest source of comfort and joy. 

 Even before you were born, God thought of you and had a plan for you on earth. (Jeremiah 1:5) 

There is a purpose for every season and activity here on earth. (Ecclesiastes 3:1) There is a purpose for every pain you go through. You don’t see it, but there is. It will be revealed in due time. Put your hope and trust in God now. 

At the end of the day, start seeing yourself from God’s perspective. He is always full of love. 

It is such times like these again. Sometimes all I wished was that I could speak normally. Sometimes I just wish I could be more open and talk. I wished I could just be myself. I wished I was engaged with the rest. 

Maybe I wished others would be more accepting. I don’t know what to feel anymore. 

After classes, I just wished I could go to lunch with someone. I just want to talk. To be normal. 

Is the problem fully on me? I must not be distracted.. 

Before I was typing this, I came across Bishop Dale Bronner’s posts. I was just so impacted by one of the photos “The devil wants you to think that there is nothing more permanent than your temporary situation! Know the truth!”

The truth is, everything will pass. Maybe that’s why John 1:17 was another different encouragement to me. That these soon too shall pass. 

4 more weeks left to graduation.

The thought of it makes me feel sick.

So many thoughts ran through my head for the past 20 minutes. I start to really wonder... What have I really been doing? Maybe those thoughts have just stuck in my mind for too long (for 30minutes) that I just don’t really feel like saying it now.

All I did was to wonder... What have I been doing the past 3 years... (technically 2.5 years++).. My life seemed so normal. Do I even have a bunch of close friends? Today, I just thought this question that really made me ponder.

“Lord, how do some even go through this?” Every time after such moments, I feel so much. I think I am okay but I am really not. I always feel I do not need anyone to be with me during lunch. But it turns out I am so wrong. I can’t deal it on my own. Without me thinking about anything, the feeling just overwhelms. 

Perhaps that is why we are called to love one another. That is why that is one of the greatest commandment Jesus ever told us. Because we are made for love. (Even with our neighbors) And no one is ever meant to do life alone. 

I thought I could do it all fine. I had unconsciously taken that this is alright. The pain just kicks in and I do not even want to think about it. 

Sometimes all we want is to numb the feeling. 

But that is when Lord is closest to the brokenhearted. He is there to comfort me, in spite of what is happening. Pain pushes us a little closer to the Lord. If we think we have everything, why then do we need Jesus?