Poly Life

When you break up with one of your partners and a monogamous person responds by belittling your views on love and relationships.

Just because poly people break up with their partners doesn’t mean that polyamory is doomed to fail. This is a super patronizing and self-righteous idea that many monogamous people have. 

Monogamous people go through break-ups all the time, but that doesn’t mean that monogamy is inherently wrong. 

Similarly, just because poly relationships don’t always work out doesn’t mean that polyamory is wrong or misguided. 

Getting to know your partner’s partner can help you deal with some of the insecurities you may be having. Insecurities about your partner dating another person who may be prettier, funnier, taller, sexier, or smarter than you. Everyone has these worries, but you have to remember that your metamour is only human, just like you.

I would recommend talking to them, learning more about them, maybe even developing a friendship with them. Realizing that they are a real person with real flaws and real insecurities of their own can help you deal with your own feelings. 

Metamours can even help you feel more loved by your partner. Hearing that they knew something about you through your partner, for example, may make you feel nice. Yes, even on their dates, your partner can’t help but talk about you just a bit. Maybe your metamour tells you how your partner lights up when they talk about you, or how they laugh when they talk about how funny you are, or that they often tell stories of your time together. All these things can help reassure you of the love your partner feels for you.

You can usually learn more about a person’s insecurities based on the questions they ask.

I don’t mind being asked questions about my relationship dynamic. It’s different than the way most people live, so I understand the confusion they have at first. I had the same worries and concerns. I read books and blogs and talked to people. That’s what helped me get up the courage to face my insecurities and embrace polyamory. 

So when I get these questions, I don’t get upset. I try to answer them to the best of my ability. But I usually try to point out that a lot of these “what if” questions can still happen in a monogamous relationship. 

“What if your monogamous partner starts having feelings for someone else?”

“What if your monogamous boyfriend falls in love with your best friend?”

“What if your monogamous girlfriend goes out to dinner with another guy?”

It could happen. Even to you. 

For monogamous people, these situations would cause emotional turmoil and feelings of betrayal. Perhaps couple’s therapy. Maybe even a divorce. 

So sometime’s it’s hard for people to try and understand a relationship where these things are encouraged instead of stopped and where your partner’s feelings for another person are supported instead of surpressed. 

It’s funny because it’s true. And it can happen even to the most experienced poly people. 

Feel the emotions, let them happen. Then, when you’re in a better head space, examine what may have triggered those emotions. Maybe you can bring this up to your partner. 

In the meantime, I would suggest the following:

- If you know that your partner is planning a date, try and hang out with a friend or one of your other partners during the time of the date. You can also spend the day treating yourself. Go to the gym, make a good meal, watch a favorite movie, read a good book, take a nap, get your nails done, etc. Get your mind off your partner and what they’re doing.

- Come up with a game plan with your partner with texting. Does your partner want you to text them throughout the date or would they rather be left alone? If you text your partner and they don’t respond right away, are you going to panic?If that’s the case, maybe don’t message them. (As it turns out, my partner likes receiving messages from me when he is on his dates with other people. I think it brings him comfort). If your partner doesn’t want messages from you, maybe they can message you periodically. “Hey baby, just checking in. I love you.”

- Schedule time with your partner before or after their date. Get some cuddle time in. Ask for their undivided attention. If you need a little extra love because you’re nervous for their date, let them know. 

- Figure out what you want to know about the date. Maybe right now you’re not really interested in knowing anything. That’s okay. If you want to know a little but nothing too specific, that’s okay too. Also keep in mind that your partner may not want to talk about all the details, either. 

- Don’t forget that this other person is human, too. It is easy to view your partner’s partner as your competition. As if they are a perfect, gorgeous person. Someone you could never compare to. You might think “maybe they are prettier, funnier, smarter, than I am. Maybe they are better at sex...”

Stop.

You all know what I mean.

How could Katniss possibly choose between Peeta and Gale? 

How could Bella ever choose between Jacob and Edward?

How could Ilsa Lund choose between Rick Blaine and Victor Laszlo?

It’s a plot device. It lets them draw out the drama for as long as possible. It’s a cheap way to produce romantic conflict where there otherwise wouldn’t be any. And we see it all the time. 

Usually it’s built on this foundation: a woman loves two men but must make an impossible choice between them. It’s an overused trope that at first seems to challenge our views on monogamy (hence, the drama and conflict) but in the end, reinforces toxic monogamy because-- make no mistake-- she will eventually end up with one of them, usually for arbitrary reasons. 

Gale’s weaponry results in Katniss’ sister’s death, so she can’t possibly continue a relationship with him. 

After Edward’s disappearance-- and then reappearance-- Bella suddenly realizes she can’t bear to live without him. So she chooses him. (But don’t worry, because Jacob imprints on her infant child. So it’s all good).

Rick Blaine basically makes Ilsa’s decision for her and she leaves on a plane with Victor.

It’s frustrating to see plots set up two love interests so equally-- creating a situation where it would be utterly impossible to choose between them-- and yet, when all is said and done, a choice is made. 

I’m going to start this post by saying something simple that everyone needs to remember in poly relationships: you need to take care of yourself mentally, emotionally, and physically. It’s important. 

When people first start researching poly, they are bombarded with images of three people cuddling together, eating breakfast together, going on dates together, maybe even having sex together. And then they freak out emotionally. What if I don’t want to sleep with my partner’s partner? What if I don’t want to go on dates with them? What if I still want uninterrupted alone time with my partner? What if I don’t want to know every detail of my partner’s sex life with their other partners?

The thing is, you don’t have to watch/hear about your partner’s sex life with their other partners. Not if you don’t want to.

STORY TIME: When I started dating my ex gf (let’s call her Candy), her gf at the time (let’s call her Jen) was new to poly. Jen’s relationship with Candy was also very new. 

When I started dating Candy, we moved very quickly, and that was difficult for Jen. She hadn’t had time to work through many of her insecurities about Candy dating other people, and Candy was not being receptive to her emotions. Meanwhile Candy would spend much of her time with Jen gushing about me, our relationship, and our sex life. It was hard for Jen to hear and it took a toll on her emotions. But she was afraid to set boundaries, afraid of being perceived as emotionally immature or jealous or “not ready” for a poly relationship. Jen was at a breaking point.

She reached out to me. I told her she needed to set BOUNDARIES for herself in her relationship with Candy. Those boundaries can range from “please don’t skype your other partners when you’re with me” to “please don’t tell me about your sex life with your other partners, unless it is a matter of sexual health/safety.” The book “More than Two” by  Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert does an excellent job of explaining boundaries.

These boundaries don’t have to last forever. You can break them down gradually until maybe you will like to hear about your partner’s dates/sex life/love life. Maybe you will want to spend time with them and their partner on dates. Maybe you will end up sleeping together or cohabitating with them. Or maybe it will never get to that point. But that’s okay, and you can approach these things gradually.

Take the time you need to face your insecurities with the help of your partner. Take care of yourself and set boundaries where they are needed. 

A common response I get when I tell people I am poly is “How did you GET your bf on board with that?” or “Is your bf really okay with that?” It’s interesting to me that the first response expresses disbelief that my partner also wants to practice non-monogamy. As if I pushed him into it.

It may also be the pervasive toxic masculinity in our culture. How could he possibly be okay with his girlfriend sleeping around with other men? Real men don’t let their girlfriend have other men in her life! What a sucker, getting roped into a relationship like that!

Her: “He doesn’t like it when I wear this dress out.”

Me: “Why?”

Her: “Well, it’s kind of tight. *smiles* And you know how men are.”