blessed error

Sometimes, you've got to just let go.

Let go of that control you've been gripping on too hard, for too long.

Let the flow take you wherever it needs to take you.

Learn from it and don't forget to breathe.

It's all about good energy.

Bleed a little from time to time,

Cry a little from time to time,

You need it.

But come back and say you're strong.

What doesn't kill me, will make me stronger.

I was nothing short of dubious. 

I had you on a death grip, 

Thinking if i let you go, 

Death will follow. 

I was wrong. 

I was beyond mistaken. 

It wasn't me who had you trapped. 

It was you who violently had me on chokehold, 

Death didn’t follow when I let go. 

Years of dancing around like flames,

turns into,

Months of desperate grasping,

left with,

Days of short breaths.

Threading on an invisible string,

Doubts after doubts,

Yet you're always there proving.

Doubts again,

and here you are again.

Insecure, pained, confused.

but you're always grounding.

I realized one thing, one similar axis,

I didn't know when you're no longer mine.

I didn't know.

You're selfish.

You wanted to hold me,

Yet you wanted to keep her.

So you delayed the tale,

Only to hold me from a far.

You strung me along your nimble fingers,

To cut me off when it lingers.

Your hold hurts now that I know,

I know,

I was there just for show.

Emotionally abusive,

you are.

Physically demanding,

you were.

im done,

It ended.

Never knew it would end this way.

Have always known the end would come,

truthfully, the day i know what "love" means, i already had it all planned out. my parents' love story seems, sounds, so perfect for a prospect of a 7 year old girl who wishes to be as good as her mother. i don't wish to be with a prince, i had only wished to have somewhat a similar love storyline to my parents'.

that was why i was so adamant to be in the debate team when i was 15. that was also why my crushes were all at most, two years younger than me. i wanted to be her. i didn't know i can not be her.

though i failed. every time. because i cannot be her, i cannot find love like her. i am not her.

so i put my love-finding journey to a halt. i believe i am not ready for it. not when i do not know what i want and who i am. not when i am not sure what i can offer and what offers i can agree to. no.

however, love is viewed differently by my sisters. One of them, has been in and out of relationships. While relationships drained me, for her, it's a safety net. Despite whatever painful repercussions it may come with.

i wouldn't understand why a person would enjoy this thing called love. i just, i don't understand why she prefers being hurt through one of the wisdoms and miracle on earth -love.

but that's love isn't it? it's weird, it's shapeless, it's indescribable, it's sublime. i have come to terms that i might not be able to experience love through an exclusive partner, nevertheless, i will still be giving love. selfless love. no expectations.

especially for myself.

hello, hi.

im rarely ever here but here i am, writing again.

i have this habit of running to tumblr (yes because it's more discreet here, less people, yada yada) everytime i feel so helpless and don't really want anyone to know about it.

i am far from being a good writer, no, im not even average but, i believe i write what I want to express, when i couldn't do it in other forms.

im here because im desperate. not to be emo or vengeful or whatever. im here bcs i treat my page as an archive for my long-winded, never concise, excuses and life.

insanely enough, im writing this as i am having one of the worst days for my stomachache. God, it just never stopped hurting. not to mention the false bile rising up my esophagus each time i take a step out of my bed.

i am just tired. turning 21, if God wills, yet im very sick. definitely not what i portray to the world at hand. absolutely not what i had wanted people to know me off.

not everyday is like this, undeniably. though on days like today, i- i wish i didn't stop eating when i had anxiety attacks. i wish i had taken care of my stomach a tad bit better than what i was doing before. my foolishness caused me this. im not going to back off from that.

i want to be better. i want to stop feeling like i'll throw up every second of the day. i want to be able to breathe.

i hope these are not just wishful thinking.

She’s shivering.

 It’s not even cold but her teeth clatters making inaudible yet harsh sounds through the silence of the night. She trembles as she feels her heart bursting, the adrenaline rush telling her to run for it instead of fighting it. It’s one of those days when all she wanted was a little warmth, a humanly one and not just from her overly cozy blanket. She keeps on whispering to herself, saying “it’s going to be fine, no one’s going to hurt you one way or another”, she keeps on chanting the word “breathe, breathe, breathe” just so she could stable her racing heart. She loathes these days as she feels the bile rising to her throat and her sights gone all blurry from the constant wetness coming out from her eyes. It hasn’t been nice for her these few weeks, no, it has been the worst. Worse than she could even imagine. She wishes to disappear. She wishes to just fleet through the wind, never coming back, never stopping, ‘cease to exist’. No letters, nor songs can do her good, she said, “I just want to leave this world”.

there’s not a thing i could say or a song i could sing for your mind to change. nothing can fill up the space, won’t ask you to stay, but let me ask you one thing,

when did you fall out of love, out of love,

when did you fall out of love with me?

so i ask you this question cuz it might help me sleep longer.