Swag Comes At A Price 😔🫵

Rising Action

Crisis

Resolution

I should I get back on here regularly and post absolute garbage??

Cause I think I should.

(This is a whole lotta trigger warnings y’all)

It’s probably not healthy for me to be back on here but here I am. It’s quiet and no one knows me, and those who do don’t check their account anymore.

I... don’t know if I can do this anymore. Everyone says I’m so strong and can get thru this but can I? I’ve been having non stop panic attacks/anxiety attacks since I’ve lost my apartment back in February due to a natural disaster. I had to go to the ER this weekend because it got so bad I thought I was dying, like forreal dying. I don’t have the money for any of that, for any of this. My mother and my boyfriend lost sleep and valuable time over me. I try to take control I really do but I can’t. I just can’t! I’m always in pain and I’m always feel like I’m dying, the toll it has taken on me is draining me to my last battery. I hate inconveniencing people that I love and making them loose sleep over me. I feel like such a waste of space, time, resources, and love.

I’m broken. I know this.

I’ve been thinking about hurting myself again... it’s an addiction I can never get over but goddess does it make me feel good. I have control over it.

I want to be alone, but I’m scared I’ll die alone.

I want to run away, but I’ve met the love of my life and I can’t leave him like that. Or my family.

All I do is misstep. All I do is annoy. Get angry, cry for no reason, snap, isolate.

I’m stuck in a time between wanting to fall into the deep hole and having my fingers hold so tight onto the edge. I want to be better, it’s all I crave but I can’t seem to find it for long and it’s so goddamn heartbreaking.

What do you even talk about in therapy? I’ve gone so many times, so many goddamn times. Is it me? Am I the problem? Am I the one who brings misery and hate not only to myself, but others?

Again, is this all even worth it? To exist in this body, to go thru this time. I want to fast forward. I want to be the strong person I can be, to be crave life, to have fun, to not panic and cry to my mother or boyfriend.