Bonky Barn

Your mornings were pretty slow, as you woke up pretty early, so you weren’t rushing around. You put on some music and went about your morning getting ready–making breakfast, getting dressed, and making sure you had everything in your bag. Flopping down on the couch, you had some time to chill out before you had to leave. You jolted up when something hard stabbed your back when you laid down. 

“Ow!” You yelped, looking down at the offending object–you spotted the One Wish Willow stick. Broken in two…you were a bit confused before remembering you broke it in a moment of frustration.

Well, that's embarrassing. You were certain those things didn't work…but you wondered what it would look like if it did? Whatever, it was just some dumb children’s toy, you thought. Scooping up the sad remains, you placed the stick back in the box, going to throw it in the trash, before you heard a knock at your door. You paused, not expecting anyone at this time. You placed the box on top of your fridge before going over to the door. You took a peek inside the peephole and saw…Bucky? Furrowing your brows in confusion, you slowly opened the door. He was standing on your porch like he had business being here, of all places. He was holding two paper cups from Sarah’s cafe, smiling brightly at you once you came into his view. 

“Bucky?” 

“Hey, sweetheart! I thought you’d want me to take you to school, so I got you some coffee,” He slowly shook the one in his left hand, indicating that it was yours. Huh, sweetheart was new. You took the coffee from him, opening the lid…and there was, in fact, coffee. You frowned slightly. He knew you couldn’t really drink the stuff, as it made your stomach hurt. He could sense something was wrong and tilted his head.

“What? You don’t like it?” He asked.

“Um, it’s not that- I mean, thank you, but…You know I can’t drink coffee.” You really didn’t want to sound ungrateful, considering he didn’t have to do this. 

“Oh, it must have slipped my mind. Sorry about that,” he frowned, looking questioningly at the ground before smiling again. He took the cup back from you and threw it behind him. The cup and its contents splattered onto the ground, right on your pathway. You stared at the spill, bewildered. Was he messing with you because of last night? That had to be it–but you didn’t know Bucky to be wasteful. Blinking at the coffee stain on the snow, when you looked up at him, there was a look of expectancy on his face. Maybe he’s just having a brain fog moment? It was still a little early. Couldn’t blame him since you knew he wasn’t much of an early riser.

“Well…sure, you can take me. Let me just get my things,” you let him in, so he wasn’t standing in the cold anymore (jeez, where were your manners?). He started looking around your living space while you quickly went to your bedroom to grab your backpack. Putting your thickest coat on and the woolest hat, you walked back out. Looking over at Bucky, the dismay on his face was concerning, as his eyes zipped around the room. It’s like he didn’t know where he was–or why he was here. 

“What is happening…” he mumbled before snapping back out of it. Once Bucky spotted you again, he smiled. You brushed it off as you seeing things before walking over to the front door to put your boots on. 

“Ready to go?” He asked. You nodded your head, slinging your backpack over your shoulder. He took your hand and led you out the door, making sure you locked it before heading off to his car. 

— 

Alright, something was off about Bucky. 

His behaviour during the day was strange, to say the least. All day, it felt like he was testing behaviours on you to see if you'd respond well to them or not. Once you got to school he acted clingy, and once that didn’t work he switched to being reserved, then flirty or a huge gentleman. It was giving you whiplash–he was acting like he didn’t know who he was. It was making your head spin, and the worst part was that everyone noticed. Some showed concern, others thought it was funny that Barnes was acting “smitten.” Their words, not yours.

The most concerned member was Steve. He watched as his friend went through all these mood changes. Nat was just squinting her eyes questionably, wondering if Bucky was planning something. He wasn't known for pulling pranks (you never really know with him- she reasoned). You, on the other hand, were just severely confused and trying to go about your day. 

But Bucky didn't let you get five feet away from him before he was trying to follow. It made no sense; he didn't even have the same classes as you, besides history, but that wasn't until Wednesday. It made you late to your classes on more than one occasion, as you had to lead him to his before basically shoving him into the room. Even now, once your classes were over, he was honing in on you, unaware as you were trying to get to the quad. Before you could step out the door, an arm was wrapped around your shoulders. You flinched away, looking to your right and spotting Bucky giving you his million-dollar smile. He brought you snug against him before leading you outside. 

“Um, Bucky, don't you still have one more class?” You asked, he shook his head ‘no.’

“It was cancelled at the last minute, which means I can take you home,” he beamed, happy as can be, even if you didn’t understand why he seemed so eager. You just went along with it…for now.

“Alright, I do have to drop off Nat’s sweater to her before I go,” and with that, you two made your way over to student parking. You spotted her immediately, talking with Steve and could hear a bit of their conversation while walking over.

“Do you think he’s back on his antidepressant?” Steve spoke with concern.

“He didn’t mention anything to you? Didn’t he say his therapist was weaning him off of them?” Natasha replied. Though their conversation was cut short once you and Bucky showed up. You acted like you didn’t hear anything and presented the sweater to Nat, who was eyeing you two curiously, since Bucky still had his arm around your shoulder. It must have looked like an odd sight, but you weren’t entirely complaining. Steve was just staring at the arm, then up at Bucky, trying to see if his friend would explain. Not that he was owed it…but they typically told each other everything. Bucky, on the other hand, was oblivious to his friend’s concern; he was too busy staring at you to pay attention. 

“Wow, and here I thought I had to steal this back from you,” Nat decided to break the silence. Taking the sweater from your hands, she stowed it away in her passenger seat. You rolled your eyes. 

“Well, Buck, you ready to head to class?” Steve prompted.

“Class was cancelled, so I’m just going to take Chip home,” Bucky replied.

“Really? I didn’t get an email or notice.” Steve pulled out his phone, mumbling about how the buttons were too small. Bucky shot his hand out and used it to cover Steve’s phone before lowering it. He looked up, perplexed by Bucky’s action, but Bucky just gave him his signature grin. 

“Late notice posted on the classroom door, why would I lie to you, Steve?”  

“... Good point,” he didn’t sound entirely convinced. It was back to that strange, confused silence that had been lingering the whole day. 

“Wait, Bucky-” Steve started but said man cut him off.

“We should get going, can’t have you getting sick,” Bucky spoke to you before guiding you away from the others. He gave Steve and Nat a half-hearted wave and led you towards his car. You turned in his hold to give Natasha a wave, feeling a little bad that you two didn’t even talk that much, but it seemed like Bucky had other plans. 

Which was apparently to spend the rest of the day at your house. 

You glanced at your clock, surprised to find out it was around eleven at night. The two of you were sitting at your dining table doing some work, clearly reaching a flow state since the time slipped by you. You glanced over at Bucky, who was already staring at you. You raised an eyebrow and looked down at the work he was supposed to be doing. Looking closer, it seemed like he…didn’t do anything. His paper was still blank from what you could tell. Huh, then what was he doing these past few hours? 

“Has anyone ever told you that you have the prettiest eyes?” He hummed, looking at you like you took his breath away. You snorted–still not used to his forwardness, it made your face heat up. Despite today being very weird for him, there still seemed to be little bubbles of his personality. Though you pursed your lips in concern, collecting your work and neatly placing it away from you. 

“I could say the same about your eyes, they got nothing on mine,” you shrugged, but that wasn’t the point. “But Bucky, about today…are you alright? You’ve been all over the place,” Well, that was certainly one way to put it, you thought. 

“I’m fine, sweetheart, more now that you’re paying attention to me,” he smiled. That made  you smile, but you weren’t convinced. If he wasn’t going to share, then there was no need to push. He’d probably mention it to Steve. You hoped he did sooner, rather than later. 

“Well, if that’s the case, then we should probably call it a night." You tried to stifle a yawn, but were failing miserably. “Here, I’ll help you pack.” You went to grab his scattered papers, but Bucky’s hand stopped you, holding your wrist gently in place.

“Aw, come on, sweetheart, night’s still young…we could probably find something more fun than this,” Bucky, with his thumb, started rubbing small circles on your wrist. That got you to snort again, looking at him incredulously. 

“It’s late on a monday though-”

“Do you think Sarah’s Cafe is still open?” 

“Um, no, that closes soon.”

“Damn, do you want to go to my apartment then?” He suggested. 

“Bucky, it’s late, and I’m pretty sure you have stuff to do tomorrow. We can always hang out some other time,” you remarked. Gently pulling your hand away from his hold–and slightly missing the warmth from his hand already. You started gathering his papers for him, but from the corner of your eye, you saw his eyes go wide before frowning. Bucky’s eyes were frantically looking around the room before they zeroed in on you. He blinked a couple of times–like he wasn’t believing what he was seeing.

“Whoa… Chip? What am I doing here?” He asked, closing his eyes and shaking his head, as if he was trying to dislodge something. Bucky looked around the room again, unease and alertness on his face. It got you to tense up, staring at him with concern. This looked all too similar to what happened this morning. 

“I am acting so weird. Sorry, I should go…” He abruptly stood up, taking his papers and shoving them haphazardly into his bag. Before he could move away from the table, he threw his bag onto the floor and sat back down. Scooting his chair inwards towards the table. He winced as the table dug into his stomach, but he didn’t move back to ease the pain. 

“No…” Bucky spoke firmly as he glared at the window above the sink. 

“Bucky, are you okay? You’re starting to worry me,” you finally spoke up, not that you weren’t already concerned. Looking at him–then his bag–then at the hard stare he was giving the window, like it personally wronged him. A moment passed before he seemed to snap back out of it. Covering his face with his hands, he slowly dragged them down his face before looking at you. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry I’m acting weird, it’s just…” He paused to take a deep breath and ran his fingers through his hair. “It’s just- my sister, Becca… She’s sick with something, and I don't know how to handle it right now,” he covered his face again. You froze, watching as he rubbed at his eyes, seemingly trying not to let his tears slip.  

“Oh, I- I’m sorry to hear that,” you weren’t sure what to say, it’s not like you and him were very close to begin with.

“Um, are you sure you don’t want to be with Steve instead?” You suggested, thinking it was best for Bucky to be with someone who knew him better. Hell, you’ve never seen his sister outside his Facebook photos. 

“No, no…I haven’t told Steve yet. I just wanted some company, I don’t want to be alone,” he pleaded. He moved his hands away from his face to look at you once again. The look in his eyes was heartbreaking; they looked so despondent. He took your hand in his again, seeking some form of comfort. 

“So, could I stay the night here?” He asked softly.

— 

You watched from your doorway as Bucky took his shirt off, leaving him in only the sweat pants you lent him. Honestly, you didn't mean to stare, but it was hard not to. He still had his athletic build–it looked like he got even more muscle over the years. Your face heated up once you noticed he was looking right at you, giving you a sly grin. So much for being subtle…

Sighing softly, you looked away as he got comfortable in your bed, sitting against the headboard and pulling the blanket over his legs. Once you knew he was settled, you looked over at him again…and made sure your eyes stayed on his face this time.

“Well, good night- if you need anything, I'll be in the living room.” You turned the overhead light off, the lamp still on, so you both weren’t completely surrounded in darkness. Turning around, you went to take a step before hearing Bucky call your name softly. 

“Wait, could you- could you stay with me?” He asked. Your eyes widened a fraction, and you turned back around to see him move the blankets away to make room for you. You swallowed, suddenly a little nervous. 

“Um, are you sure?” 

“Yeah…” he patted the spot left of him, the side that was tucked in the corner farthest from the door; you'd have to crawl over him to lie down. You walked back into your room and proceeded to get into bed with him. You sat against the headboard, more nervous now being closer. You reasoned that you were here to help him feel less alone. His sister is sick, he needs support, you reminded yourself. 

Bucky had other plans, as always.

He scooted closer to you, now flushed against your side. Before you knew it, he twisted his body to face you more, bringing his hands up to lovingly cup your face. He stared into your eyes for a moment, then you felt his lips on yours. Kissing you hungrily–like a man starved. Before it could go any further, you quickly pulled away, shocked and a little confused. 

“Um, Bucky, are you sure? Weren't you just distraught-” he cut you off with another kiss, this one a quick peck. 

“I'm sure, sweetheart, just help me forget my troubles for one night,” he begged, and began kissing up your neck at a frantic pace. It was making your head spin.

“If you're absolutely sure…”

“Yes, I am,” he reassured. His left hand stroked your cheekbone before he brought his lips to yours again. His eyes fluttered closed, and he leaned more into your space. Your head hit the headboard from the force of his movement, but you didn't mind. Your eyes closed as you kissed him back, wrapping your arms around his neck to bring him closer. His skin felt soft and warm as you brought your hand to the base of his hair and gave it a gentle tug. He groaned softly, sliding his right hand to your jaw to keep you still.

The kiss felt needy–heated even, like he wanted to pour all his emotion out onto you. The way his mouth moved against yours was sinful, and it wasn't long before his tongue was tracing along your bottom lip. You made a small noise in delight, opening your mouth slightly to invite him in-

“What the fuck!” Bucky yelled as he ripped himself away from you. Flinging himself backwards off the bed–and landing with a harsh thud onto the floor. He looked at you, fear crossed his face as he paled. You yourself were scared, staring wide-eyed at the terror on his face. You pulled the blanket to cover yourself, using it as a shield almost. Both of you were trembling, one more confused than the other.

“I'm sorry, did I…do something wrong?” You spoke frantically, heart racing in your chest. Bucky didn't look great himself either, breathing heavily, and a furrow in his brow–before you blinked, and he was back to…normal? He quickly stood up, laughing nervously as he pulled himself together. 

“No, I'm sorry, sweetheart, I don't know why I did that- I didn't mean to scare you,” he rushed to comfort you, but by then, you were already mentally checked out. Fearing that maybe you made him uncomfortable or–heaven forbid–made him feel like he was being taken advantage of…since he was in a vulnerable position right now. Feeling disappointed, you took a pillow and blanket from your bed and quickly got off. Mumbling that you were just going to sleep on the floor. 

“What, no! I can't let you do that,” Bucky tried grabbing your wrist to get you to stay, but you dodged him. Going to the end of the bed and dropping your sleeping supplies. You're somewhat grateful you have a carpeted floor in your bedroom. 

“It's fine, just go to sleep- I'll be right here on the floor,” you spoke, leaving no room to argue. He only stared at you before sighing, proceeding to get back into your bed. 

You’re not sure how long you lay there in the dark, hearing the sound of Bucky’s soft, slow breathing. It must have been a while of you just staring at your popcorn ceiling, mildly aware your lower back was beginning to get sore. Your mind was racing–trying to make sense of Bucky, about what Steve mentioned to Nat in the parking lot, and what Bucky said about his sister. The more you thought about it, the more perplexed you got; it seemed like confusion was the emotion of the day. You yawned, turning to lie on your side–your thoughts continued to swirl in your head until one stood out. It made your droopy eyes widen slightly.

Did the One Wish Willow work?

You did break the stick and wish that "James Barnes loved you more than anyone in the fucking world."

No, that’s crazy…right?

Slowly getting up, you tiptoed out of the room and made your way over to the kitchen table, where you left your laptop. Booting the thing up, you started searching: Does the One Wish Willow work? There wasn’t much that came up, just a few forum posts–which, when reading, were pretty divided. Some claimed it worked, others said it was a scam. Some answers were clearly just trolling:

My wish came true! I was super ugly before I broke the stick and now I’m supermodel gorgeous!

Pretty sure these things are just collector items not meant to be taken seriously…

I wished for my cat to live forever and she’s about 35 years old. Still looks like a kitten! ^^

My mom wished for a better husband but Albert’s still a piece of shit so I doubt they actually work :^/

I wished for my girl’s boobs to get bigger and hehe…

Alright, that’s enough of that. You turned your laptop off and shoved it away from you. You just came back with more questions than answers. Frustrated–you looked towards your fridge and looked up, spotting your One Wish Willow, the one you were going to throw away in embarrassment. Walking over, you picked up the box, and examining it more closely, you caught a number on the back of the box. Perhaps you should give it a call? Maybe later, you thought, and pocketed it away in your bag for safekeeping. 

Why ruin a good thing, if this wish-thing was true? Sure, he’s a little strange, but he hasn’t done anything too outlandish. You reasoned that maybe it really was the stress of his sister being ill, and whatever Steve mentioned about antidepressants. 

But if it was the wish…you wouldn’t complain. 

Tiptoeing back to your room, you jumped at the sight of Bucky, who was sitting up and staring at the doorway before you walked in. He looked eerie, bathed in the darkness of your room–you could barely make out his face. Shifting slightly on your feet, you stayed near the door.

“Chip, what were you doing?” He asked.

“Oh, um, I just went to the bathroom.” You wondered if he’d been awake this whole time. It felt like you had been caught red-handed, even if you didn’t do anything wrong.

“Ah, well- you should join me on the bed, sweetheart, it’s so cold in here without you,” he patted the left side of your bed, the spot next to the wall. 

“I don’t think…that’s a good idea,” you mumbled, taking into account his earlier freak out–you really didn’t want that happening again. 

“Please, I promise nothing weird will happen,” he pleaded. You gave a small sigh and walked over to your pathetic spot on the ground before picking up your pillow and blanket. You tossed them back on the bed and crawled over him again to lie down. He seemed to relax, lying back down beside you. You felt his arms wrap around your waist, and he buried his face in the back of your neck, holding you as close as he physically could. 

“I don’t think you know how much your scent comforts me…” he whispered, that was the last thing you heard before exhaustion took over, and you were out like a light. 

— 

Your eyes shot open as your alarm went off–shooting your hand out towards your bedside table, you noticed Bucky’s body was missing. You grabbed your phone and saw it was much later than you’d normally like to wake up, you only had about an hour to get ready. Did you change your alarm time? It seemed likely, considering the time you went to bed last night. Thankfully, today your classes started at one in the afternoon. Getting up off the bed, you heard the sound of pans clattering in the kitchen. Ah, so that’s where he was. You quickly got dressed for the day before making your way to the kitchen. Seeing Bucky dressed and ready himself. He turned his body to look at you once he heard you coming. 

“Morning, Chip! Breakfast is almost done,” He smiled, he seemed chipper for someone who didn’t get much sleep last night. You gave him a soft smile and sat down at the table–there was already a mug of tea waiting for you. Picking it up and taking a sip, you were delighted to find out it was still warm and made just the way you liked it. True to his word, Bucky was dishing out scrambled eggs, bacon, and toast. He placed your plate in front of you before setting his down and sitting across from you. 

“This smells delicious,” it did, even if it was simple. Bucky beamed at your words.

“I’m not much of a cook, normally I just live off microwaved food,” he stated. You raised an eyebrow and scoffed. 

“I doubt that, you don’t get to look that great living off microwaved meals.”

“Wow, sweetheart, flirting with me so early in the day?” He teased, making you choke on your tea–not even realising you said that. You coughed and mumbled how it wasn’t even early before shoving some scrambled eggs into your mouth. Wow, these were seasoned perfectly, not to mention fluffy.

“Bucky, these eggs are-” you paused as you felt something cobweb-thin tickle the roof of your mouth. Narrowing your eyes at the odd sensation, you opened your mouth and stuck your finger in there. Dragging whatever was stuck to the roof of your mouth towards your teeth, you grasped it before pulling it out. All the while, Bucky was watching you intently. 

It was a single brown hair… 

“Ah, sorry about that- that’s gross to get in your food,” he didn’t look all that concerned. You swallowed the gag that threatened to come out before dropping the hair onto the floor. Shivering in disgust, you felt like you could still feel the hair in your mouth; the sensation lingered on the roof of your mouth. You took hold of your tea and downed the rest, trying to get rid of the feeling. 

“It’s fine…it happens sometimes,” you murmured. Glancing at the clock, you were grateful to see that it was time to get ready to leave. Meaning you didn’t have to eat the rest and look ungrateful. But honestly, that hair just ruined your appetite. You stood up and took your plate to the sink.

“We should leave before we’re late,” you prompted, which made Bucky blink and look at the clock.

“Yeah, let’s get going, I guess.”

— 

“Bucky, just go to class. I’ll see you after,” you urged him off. He insisted on walking you to your class, but you learned from yesterday that he liked taking his sweet time. With a pout and a huff, he finally turned around, walking in the direction of where you assumed his class was. You sighed in relief and walked into the room. Today was a lab day, which meant hanging out with Steve. Though looking over at your usual spot, you saw Steve already there (that’s no surprise, he was always early), but the look he was giving you made you pause briefly. His more easygoing expression swapped with furrowed brows and a slight frown. He watched you before looking down at his paper. You slowly walked over and sat down on the stool beside him. 

“So, what’s up with you and Bucky?” Steve asked, cutting right to the chase. You weren’t sure if he knew about what happened two nights ago or about what happened last night. But you shrugged, not knowing what to say or if you could say anything. Did Bucky still not mention his sister to Steve? You’d guessed that wasn’t a conversation to have while you were over at someone’s house or over the phone… 

“I’m…not sure, to be honest- he just hung out at my house yesterday,” you explained before asking him a question. “Did Bucky ever mention his sister to you over the past few days?” You knew the answer, but you had to wonder if maybe Bucky wasn’t thinking straight when it came to last night. Maybe he inadvertently lied to you when stating he didn’t mention his sister being ill to Steve? Though he wasn’t known for doing that, even at the worst of times. You didn’t know how long Bucky was holding onto this information before he broke to you. 

“Becca? No, he never mentioned anything to me. Did something happen?” His bemused expression quickly turned into one of concern. You shifted uncomfortably in your seat, knowing now you had to mention it. 

“I’m not sure how big a deal it is, but Bucky mentioned to me last night that she was sick. He didn’t mention how sick, or what it was…but he was pretty distraught,” you spoke slowly, unsure of yourself. Wondering if you were making a mistake telling him, that should have been reserved for Bucky to tell–not you.  

“She’s ill? Do you know how long?” Steve was starting to get distraught hearing the news, especially coming from you. Why didn’t Bucky say anything? How long had he held this information in? Is that the reason for this sudden switch in character? He hoped his friend wasn’t spiralling again, not when he was just getting better too… 

“No, sorry, I don’t- all I was told was that she was sick, and that he didn’t know how to handle it right now…Which might be why he’s been acting off?” You watched as Steve leaned back in his chair, his throat bobbed as he swallowed hard. He wasn’t entirely sure what to do with this information, and lab was starting soon. He was pretty sure Bucky was in class at this point; this would have to wait for later. So, he straightened in his chair, took a deep breath, and decided to focus on class for now. 

“He’s not taking you home again after, right?” He asked–his last question on the topic.

“No, he mentioned he needed to do something later tonight.”

“Alright, that’s good,” Steve was hoping to catch Bucky in order to talk to him. He wasn’t going to allow him to withdraw again, even if this time around he was oddly getting attached to you. 

— 

After another strange day of Bucky, you were finally home. You were relaxing on your couch, channel surfing, as you didn’t know what to watch. You were trying to take your mind off the past few days. Replaying Bucky’s mild freakouts made you uneasy, especially the one from last night when you and him were making out. The way he flung himself away from you like you burned him was disturbing to witness. You just hoped he didn’t think you were taking advantage of him, even though you’re pretty sure a woman couldn’t do that to a guy. No way–he was basically begging you to stay and kissed you first if anything. 

“Whatever…” You mumbled, you just hoped whatever he was going through would be solved soon–

Knock, knock, knock!

You jolted in your seat upon hearing the three rapid loud knocks. You weren’t expecting anybody over…Maybe it was the neighbour asking for flour again? You glanced at the clock, which didn’t seem right; it was almost eight-thirty. You got up from the couch and took a peek into the peephole.

Just like yesterday morning, Bucky was standing there, but instead of holding two coffees, he was holding a small bouquet of red roses and yellow carnations. You immediately noticed his state of dress; he was wearing his baggy brown leather jacket, but that wasn’t what you noticed about his outfit–not really anyway. Under his jacket, he was wearing a black and red polo shirt, black slacks and nice dress shoes. He looked like he hopped out of one of those dreamy crush sections in a teen magazine (he always did, Bucky was dreamy). But his normal style was more plain long-sleeves and t-shirts, dark blue jeans, and either boots or sneakers. 

Which told you this time around, he was dressed to impress. 

“Hey, Angel, I had to shower and didn’t know what to wear, so I just threw this on,” he spoke as soon as you opened the door. He presented the flowers to you, but you could hardly see the expression on his face. The damn porch light was behind him, casting the front of him in shadow. It was a little eerie–and chilly, you were getting blasted with cold air. You motioned him to come inside, but he hesitated, seemingly preferring to stay in the doorway. 

“Wait, Chip- I just wanted to apologise about last night, I know you were really freaked out,” Bucky sounded remorseful, fidgeting with one of the carnation's petals. He shifted on his feet and looked down at the ground. 

“Bucky, it’s okay…I’m just glad I was able to be there for you, I guess…” You weren’t entirely sure how much help you were yesterday, but he seemed pleased.

“I probably should have mentioned this to you before, but my therapist put me on some new…medication, which explains why I’ve been all over the place,” he chuckled awkwardly. That got you to pause; is that what Steve meant in the parking lot yesterday? Why was Bucky in therapy? He seemed like the last guy to need that. 

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. I didn’t know you were in therapy.”

“Yeah, I don’t really like talking about it, besides, it's not that big of a deal,” he was quick to brush it off. You guessed if he wasn’t willing to be open about it, then you wouldn’t push. 

“Well… Do you remember anything from yesterday?”

“Yeah- I mean, some stuff…but the meds are the reason for my freakouts, and the thing with my sister wasn’t helping, so…” he paused to think for a moment. “I probably did some things I wouldn’t normally do, and I came to reassure you that I don’t think you took advantage of me,” he started rambling on, but you cut him off.

“Whoa, Bucky, I didn’t know you were on new medication. I would never do that to you if I knew,” you spoke quickly. Getting a little nervous at this point–what if he turned around and mentioned something to Natasha? Or worse, Steve? 

“Yeah, I know, that’s why I’m saying you didn’t.”

“Saying what?” 

Remember, he came onto you first if anything.

“That you would take advantage of me,” he asserted, sounding a bit exasperated. He shifted on his feet again, staring straight at you. You assumed he was, considering the lighting didn’t get any better. 

“Alright- good,” you sighed in relief, shoulders dropping from the tension you released. You didn’t think this conversation would get stressful, then again, you weren’t expecting Bucky to be acting this way, period. 

“Anyway, what I really wanted to say, sweetheart, was- I like what we have, and I know you like me, Chip,” Bucky hummed. You froze, feeling the whiplash from this conversation, first an apology and now whatever this was? 

“What? No,” you coughed awkwardly, looking off to the side to direct any apprehension to the ground. “Why?…Do you like me?” 

“Would it freak you out if I did? It wasn’t hard falling for you, Chip, you’re the prettiest girl I’ve laid my eyes on…ever since we met up at that cafe, and I saw how brightly you smiled for me, I knew I wanted you to be mine…I was a goner at that point,” he beamed. Your eyes widened; was he implying that he liked you that early on? You wanted to say that was impossible, but the way he spoke so earnestly made your heart melt. 

“So, I’ll ask again, do you have feelings for me?” Your stomach fluttered at his words, scared that this was some cruel dream and that you’d wake up in your room alone. You stared at him for a moment, admiring Bucky, and wondering how you’d managed all this when your younger self couldn’t even get his attention. 

It was the One Wish Willow, there’s no other way, your mind bitterly thought up. You ignored it in favour of this. 

“Yeah, I do,” you smiled, taking the bouquet from him as he went in for a kiss.

— 

The last month or so felt like a dream, from when you two finally confessed to now, was nothing but romantic dates, sweet kisses, and Bucky’s full attention. Everyone at this point knew you and Bucky were in a relationship, and that he was absolutely smitten with you. Your relationship was nothing short of perfect in the eyes of many, and it was going smoothly. Occasionally, there were hiccups here and there, with his freakouts, acts of confusion, and the staring… 

A lot of the time he’d stare at you, no emotion on his face–eyes completely vacant of thought or feeling. Bucky’s eyes followed your movements, his head stayed perfectly still, and occasionally he'd blink. He eerily remained still through this time, and it didn’t help that he normally did this when both of you were alone. When the lights were dim and casting shadows on his face. You tried to speak to him or snap your fingers in front of his face; sometimes it worked, and he was back to smiling. But oftentimes it didn’t, and you’d have to wait it out. 

Other than those problems though, everything was great–romantic–straight out of a love story…if scrolling through Bucky’s facebook was any indication.

Photo of you and Bucky at Sarah’s cafe.

Candid photo of you at your house.

Photo of you and Bucky on a movie date

Photo of you and Bucky out bowling.

But your absolute favourite one was the restaurant date, he was holding you close while kissing your cheek. Looking at you instead of the camera, it was such a sweet photo that you had it as your laptop background. 

Speaking of which… you were at said restaurant again with Bucky, who said he had a surprise for you. 

You two were enjoying your meals, talking about whatever came to mind. School had been quite hectic since finals had come and gone, but you two managed to survive. Bucky was just complaining that he barely managed to pass all his first-semester classes. Which was odd considering he was a star student–you were quickly reminded why.

“–Just with everything going on, I was afraid that I wasn’t going to pass, which would have sucked since this is the last year of college,” he spoke. Bucky looked down at your phone, which sat beside your plate. Its incessant buzzing was grating on his nerves. Natasha was calling again. You rejected the call for the second time and looked up at him. 

“Oh, right, about that…how's your sister been doing?” You watched as he scraped his fork against his plate and shrugged. 

“Could we not talk about that?”

“Yeah…that’s fine,” You felt bad for bringing it up, but once you thought about it more, Bucky never spoke about Rebecca since that first night he stayed over. No updates or anything on that front, even Steve wasn’t getting much…which was odd. Bucky seemed to perk up though, when he thought of something to steer the conversation away.

“What do you plan to do after all of this?” 

“After all of what?”

“After college? I never thought to ask you, but since this is the last semester, did you plan ahead for anything?” He clarified. You hummed in thought and mulled over his question in your head. You didn’t have the most exciting plan for after college; you were hoping to get a job in the field you were studying while continuing to live here. You didn’t want to go back home necessarily (that was a very last resort if things didn’t work out), so you were determined to make it work. Besides, you couldn’t leave Bucky behind. 

“I don’t know, I guess I plan to follow everyone else after college…get a job and work until I die– or I could become a witch and be one with the forest,” you joked. It got Bucky to chuckle, he was regarding you thoughtfully. He seemed to like your answer about the first thing you said.

“So, you’re staying here after?” He smiled at you with hope in his eyes. He was worried for a moment that you’d go off to travel or go back to Idaho. Of course, he’d follow you wherever you went–he would follow, and follow, and follow.

 Doesn’t matter what– Bucky planned or wanted, what mattered was that he'd stay with you.

“Yeah, I never planned on going away–though after school Natasha planned a girls' getaway to celebrate, so I’m excited for that.”

“Oh, really? Who's all going?”

“Just me, Nat, Yelena, Wanda, and Ava,” you counted on your fingers. “Nat said it was a surprise where we were going, but I’m betting it’s a cabin outside of the city.” 

“Oh, well, maybe I cou-” Bucky was cut off by your phone vibrating for a third time. He glanced down, jaw clenched when he saw Natasha’s name again. You took your phone in your hand, weighing your options–she never called repeatedly unless it was an emergency…but you couldn’t think of anything that needed your attention.

“Sorry, Bucky, I’ll be right back,” you got up from the booth, avoiding the mean glare he threw at your phone. You walked over to the girls' bathroom to get some privacy, thankful it was empty for now. You tapped the answer button and brought the phone to your ear. 

“Hey, Nat, I’m kind of busy right now,” you chided her for interrupting your date.

“Busy with Barnes like usual?” Her tone was unimpressed, and your face heated up slightly. It was true over the past month you two stuck together like glue. You and Natasha barely hung out alone anymore. 

“What do you want?”

“Well, Steve and I were hanging out, and I was scrolling through my Facebook when I stumbled on a photo of Rebecca coming back from a job overseas. Turns out she’s been perfectly healthy this whole time,” she paused to let that sink in. Your brow furrowed, glancing at the bathroom door. Bucky lied about his sister?

“Wait, what?”

“Yeah, Steve mentioned that when he and Bucky talked about it, Bucky said she got sick right around the time she was due to go overseas and because of that, she was distraught– which is why she didn’t mention it to others, only her immediate family…” She paused to catch her breath. “Then he went and told Steve that she wasn’t going to be picking up any calls or texts, because she wanted to focus on getting better and only wanted her family around,” she explained. You stayed silent for a moment, of course Steve would take Bucky’s word for it. Bucky had no reason to lie, and the two trusted each other. So why lie about something this serious? 

If Rebecca were overseas with no phone coverage or internet, then that would make it a bit easier. You knew she was a humanitarian aid worker, and they often went to places that had no service. 

“Look, Chip, I’m not trying to start drama or anything, believe me. I’m just not sure if Barnes is okay…” she finally broke the silence that was swallowing the bathroom you were in. You started pacing around the room, biting the inside of your cheek.

“Why would Bucky lie about something like that?” 

“I don’t know….but you have to admit something is mentally wrong with him, and I think he might just be using you to fix that- Chip, you’re my best friend, and I don’t want to see you hurt.” You can hear the sincerity in her tone and the hint of familiarity. After Bucky’s confession, Nat confided in you that she and him were involved on and off throughout the first and second year of college. Even a little bit during his struggle period in the third year, but their relationship ended on a sour note. They remained friends, and she was very adamant that she had no romantic feelings towards him. You believed her, even though it hurt to hear–she knew about your huge crush and was involved with him anyway? How were you so blind as to not see it? 

“Anyway, Steve is even more worried since he finds it strange that he’s lying about something so serious and that he’s acting like a completely different person…He’s worried for both of you, considering Bucky is like- infatuated with you…” She started drifting off as you lowered the phone. Your ears felt like they were ringing when you went to the sink to wash your hands. You didn’t need to–but it gave you something to do as you gathered yourself; it felt like your world was splitting apart. 

Once the call ended, you exited the ladies' room, shoulders tense and brows furrowed. You couldn’t hide your befuddled facial expression, even if you tried. Bucky looked up at you with a smile, but it dropped slightly once he saw how tense you were. Sitting back across from him in the booth, you looked down at the table, gathering your thoughts, before looking back at him.

“Are you okay, sweetheart?” He asked, concern etched on his face. It looked like he wanted to reach out and comfort you, but you were putting some distance between you and him. 

“Bucky… Um, why-” you were choking on your words, feeling like they refused to come out. Honestly, why did Natasha have to ruin a perfectly good date? 

“What?” Bucky shifted in his seat, observing your face for any indication about why you looked so uncomfortable.

“Uh, nevermind it’s…it’s nothing.” Great, that was smooth chip…

“Oh…well, Angel, before I forget, the reason I brought you here was to give you this,” Bucky grabbed something that was sitting beside him. A small black box, it looked a little fancy and important. Your heart jumped in your throat as he slid the box over to your side of the table, waiting expectantly for you to open it. 

“What is it?” You asked. 

“Open it,” he encouraged, and you did just that. Popping the lid open and being taken aback at what you saw–it was dog tags, really old ones to be specific, but they seemed to be well taken care of. You glanced up at Bucky, who was giving you the most lovely look you’ve seen. 

“They were my great-grandfather’s. He used to tell me stories of his life, and the war, which inspired my love for history and all things forties, if we’re being honest,” he chuckled. “They’re important to me, even if he’s not around anymore…They encouraged me to be a better man, and I know it won’t necessarily help you become a witch in the woods,” he teased, which got you to nervously smile. 

“What I’m trying to say is that I hope they inspire your love for something… or someone,” he looked bashful at his rambling. You felt guilty being handed such an important keepsake. You guys hadn't even been dating for two months. 

“Why are you giving it to me?” You asked gently. The weight of the dog tags in your hands felt heavy as you continued to stare at them. 

“Chip, I love you so so so so so much, I don’t think I could live without you,” he said earnestly, which got you to pause and look at him. He was looking at you with all the love in the world, it seemed. Staring into your eyes, like you consumed him–mind, body and soul. He was giving you his signature toothy smile, waiting for you to say something, anything. 

“You love me…more than anyone in the world?”

“Of course, sweetheart…more than anyone.” 

“Then, Bucky–Why did you lie about your sister being sick?” You finally asked. You saw Bucky’s face slowly fall into a grimace as you two stared at each other. 

…He just stared; his grimace turning blank. His eyes gave you that death stare again as he started mumbling something under his breath. 

“No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no- why did you do that?” He slammed his right hand over the table. Making the plates and utensils clatter everywhere. His left hand snatched your wrist and held it tightly in his hold. Not enough to bruise, but still making a point to say you couldn’t get away. People around you started glancing over at your table, and your face heated up in embarrassment. 

“I thought we were having a nice date,” he spoke a little louder, trying to pull you closer, but it just ended up making your stomach dig into the edge of the table. You winced and sucked in a breath as you tried calming him down. 

“We- we are, Bucky,” you argued, though there wasn’t any bite to your words. You just wanted him to relax and for people to stop staring.

“Then why does it matter if we’re having a romantic date?” he chastised, and you started to agree that you guys were having a great time. A wonderful time even, you loved the gift he gave you. You took hold of his right hand, rubbing your thumb over the back of his hand, and that seemed to calm him down. His tense expression slowly softened, and his grip on your hand loosened.

“Look, Bucky, whatever your reason… It doesn’t matter to me,” that last bit of reassurance made him fully relax. You somewhat followed, but you couldn’t get your heart to calm down.

…What the hell just happened?

wc: 8,320

Chapter Three 𖹭 "I can’t be Bucky"

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(Hearts on hearts (Passion) divider by @//cafekitsune

You could finally breathe.

The first day at your new college was embarrassing. You cursed at yourself since you hadn’t paid attention to the campus tour, and you were now late to your first lecture of the day. Everybody was cleared from the hallways, save for a few stragglers like yourself. You weren’t paying attention to your surroundings. You’d been looking down at the map you printed out when–all of a sudden–you were colliding into someone. You basically bonked your head into their chin, taking a step back in surprise, you looked up at them. 

The first thing you noticed was his eyes, which were blinking at you in surprise. They were such a strikingly pretty blue colour–comparable to a cloudless sky on a nice day. You got a good look at his face next and…wow, this man was pretty: Clean-cut, neatly parted short brown hair, and broad-shouldered. He still looked a bit boyish, but he made it look charming. In your enamoured state, you failed to realise he was holding up your map. 

“Sorry about that- you’d think I was blind,” he chuckled, which got you to snap out of your daze. Feeling heat crawl up your cheeks, you scolded yourself to get it together. Gently taking your crumpled map, you smoothed it out so it gave you something else to look at. 

“Oh…no- no, it’s okay,” you managed to get out. Yeesh, you’d think this was the first human you were making contact with. You straightened yourself out and tried to get your hammering heart under control. 

“Are you lost? I know this building is confusing to navigate. What room are you trying to find?” He asked, looking down at your printed map, then up at your face. At this point, you debated even going to class; you were pretty late at this point. But you couldn’t muster an excuse as quickly as you’d liked…and you really didn’t want to hold this guy up. 

“Room 303,” you replied.

“Hey, that’s where I’m heading- history lecture with Mrs. Scott, right?” He asked, surprise in his tone. You nodded your head.

“Yeah, actually… What are the odds?” you mumbled. You were totally judging based on looks, but he did not look like someone who willingly took a history class. It looked like he lived and breathed sports with his athletic build and all. It was a nice surprise, maybe you two would become friends? You hoped so.

“Beats walking in by myself, come on.” He gave you a charming smile, gesturing at you to follow him. On the way to class, he introduced himself as James Barnes, but everyone called him Bucky. You quickly introduced yourself, and he nudged you softly with his elbow.

“Pretty name for a pretty girl,” he beamed with a wink. You felt heat bloom in your face, but you smiled.

You held onto that moment for what felt like forever, even if nothing came from it. 

—

In your first year at this new college, you became friends with a girl named Natasha. She was quite mysterious in the beginning and cool; entirely too cool for you, you thought. You two met during one of the college’s baseball games, and you would dub this one the most humiliating event of your life. Which involved the school’s mascot…Chipper the chipmunk, and you, an unsuspecting bystander just wanting to watch the game (mostly for Bucky). Let’s just say that Chipmunk’s head was facing backwards, eyes knocked out from its fabric skull, and kids were crying. It’s how you got the nickname ‘Chip,’ a reminder of your embarrassment, but it led you to meeting Natasha, and she’s a great friend.

…Not to mention the added benefit that it put you in Bucky’s orbit, so you weren’t really complaining. Since Nat was friends with Steve, his best friend, who you were later introduced to. Even though you knew him already, since you guys always ended up being lab partners for some reason, you weren’t complaining–Steve was a great guy. He was the baseball team's best batter and honorary Captain.

Still, it wasn’t enough to get Bucky to talk to you. Sure, he’d acknowledge you whenever you were around, but other than your first encounter, he didn’t make an effort to strike up a conversation. Not that you were entitled to it, it just bummed you out. He was sociable with your other peers…maybe that was the issue? By comparison, you were still a nobody and painfully average. Often referred to as ‘Nat’s best friend,’ hell–sometimes people didn’t even direct questions meant for you, preferring to ask Natasha, even if you were right beside her. You guess you couldn’t really blame people. You were focused on your studies and hadn’t opted to join any sports or clubs. Contrary to popular belief, you weren’t inept at holding conversations…you just didn’t make any effort to actually strike them up. Mostly your fault, but being around a huge group of people was draining. You often felt tired when coming back from a lecture. 

It didn’t help that you weren’t the only one to notice him. Everyone noticed Bucky, the star pitcher on the baseball team, the guy who took his grades seriously and was just overall pleasant and smiley. It’s no wonder people looked at him so favourably–being social and a flirt was his talent. So combine all that, and sadly, you often went under the radar, which didn’t help your case in getting Bucky’s attention.

Not that you were clamoring for his attention 24/7; that would be ridiculous–no, you opted to wait. Remembering what your mom said about good things coming to those who wait, and maybe that’s true. Because one day, during the last year of College, in the middle of the first semester…you got a text message from Bucky.

—

One lonely Wednesday night, you were using your chunky laptop to get some schoolwork done. You were on a small brain break and were scrolling through Bucky’s Facebook feed in hopes he posted something new (he did! It was a photo of him and his team, it seems like they’re getting a head start on practicing before baseball season is in full swing). Scrolling past the new one, you never got bored of viewing the ones you saw a few times already. It was fun looking back at some, having been at the event but not in the photo. 

Steve, Nat and a few others at the bar.

Bucky and Steve on the first day of senior year.

Sam and Steve at a party.

Bucky, Steve and Natasha at a bar on trivia night (you’ve never been invited to that one actually…) 

You scrolled through them all, mostly sticking to the relevant university ones. Sometimes staying on a photo that was just Bucky, and yearning that it was you next to him. Sometimes it got uncomfortable how much you felt towards him since he didn’t even know. He didn’t know the effect he had on you by just being there. It felt ridiculous at this point, holding onto that one interaction that happened three years ago. 

Sometimes you wondered if Bucky was anything like the one you imagined in your head.

Exiting out of Facebook, you closed your laptop to get something to drink. Before you could stretch your legs though, you heard your phone buzz on the nightstand. It was probably a text message from Nat, asking how you’ve been lately. You two haven’t nearly hung out as much this month. You did miss her, but she’s been busy lately with a group project and some family drama. Picking up your phone, you slid out the small keyboard before pausing at the name that appeared. 

That was definitely not Natasha… 

> Hey it’s Bucky got your number from Steve

> Just wanted to ask if you had the notes from today’s lecture?

I do! I could give them to you tomorrow? <

> Sounds good

> We could meet up at Sarah’s cafe in the morning if that works?

Yeah that works! See you then <

Alright, don’t freak out, this was literally just you passing along some notes. You put your phone away and proceeded with your original task. Trying not to think too hard about it, this could have been anyone, and you still would have helped. 

— 

You got to Sarah's Cafe a little earlier, thinking you'd get some studying done before your first lecture of the day. When you entered, you heard the little bell above the door jingle. You soaked up the warmth that was offered, having battled the morning cold (winter was really making itself known). It was busy, but you saw a two-person table open and hoped you'd be able to snatch it before anyone else could. You walked into line and squinted at the menu above the counter. Staring at the cold brew option…you recalled from Nat that Bucky liked cold brew coffee after she introduced him to it. 

“Before that it was only just straight black coffee,” she grimaced, like his old preference personally offended her. You remembered just shaking your head–laughing at her ridiculousness. 

Finally walking up to the counter, the girl whose nametag ironically said Sarah greeted you with a smile. She asked what you were having, and you gave her your order (one London fog, please). You stepped off to the side towards the order window, glancing over at the clock—he wouldn’t be here for another hour and a half. Once your order was in your hands, you quickly made your way to the table you spotted. You placed your stuff down and sat on the wooden chair. The table was circular, so it didn’t offer much space, but it didn’t matter too much at the moment. You got to work, scribbling out some notes and highlighting whatever looked important. Time seemed to slip past you since you were startled out of your focused state when someone stood beside your table.

“Is this seat taken?” Spoke a familiar voice, looking up–you spotted Bucky, who was giving you his signature boyish grin. You felt your heart rate spike, but honestly, it felt like it was trying to escape your chest. Shaking your head no, he quickly made himself comfortable. Looks like he ordered a cold brew. 

“Oh, here are the notes you missed- it’s a lot, like usual.” You gathered your other work and put it out of the way before handing him your notebook. You watched him unzip his bag and took a sneaky peek at what was inside, your eyes widened at how many books and papers this guy carried on his back. Bucky took out a notebook and pencil before getting started on copying your notes. Not wanting to stare (he has great handwriting), you turned your head towards the window.

 Huh…you thought he’d take the notebook to copy for later. 

“You’d think maybe Mr. Grant would lay off on all the unnecessary words, but no… Your notes are organized beautifully, by the way,” Bucky mumbled while writing a sentence down. It got you to chuckle. Mr. Grant was known to overexplain, whether he was talking or writing it down. 

“Just be glad you missed yesterday…he was going off again about how cell phones are ruining the youth,” you grimaced. It had turned half the lecture into a conspiratorial warning about how phones were going to take over and ruin human connection. It didn’t help that he liked to pick someone from one of his classes to use as a sad example (So and so is so bright, and that phone of theirs is going to ruin that!)...Not much was done yesterday.

It got Bucky to laugh, which filled you with so much joy. His laugh was nice, smooth and carefree. You wished you could hear it more often–one day perhaps. 

“Wow, who did he use as an example this time?” Bucky asked, shifting in his chair and leaning his face into his hand. 

“...It was you this time around, weren’t even there to defend yourself,” you paused to let out a laugh. “Mr. Grant went off about how bright a student you were, but wasted so much on that phone of yours, not sure how though?” 

“What? That's so unfair. I’m barely on my phone, man…the one time I get caught checking,” He said with faux-hurt in his tone. Though Bucky chuckled softly just thinking about it, and took no real offence. Even if it was true. He looked up from his notebook, seeing the smile on your face, and he honestly hadn't noticed how pretty you looked. Hell–he knows he hasn’t noticed you in general, outside of you being Natasha’s best friend. You didn’t necessarily catch his attention…as harsh as that was. You were more on the quiet side. But you were surprisingly easy to talk to.

“But yeah, those are technically only half of the notes. We’ll probably get the rest next Wednesday,” you explained. Finishing off the rest of your tea, you felt a little awkward now that the conversation was dying down…but you swore from the corner of your eye that he was looking at you, like really looking. It’s probably just my imagination, you thought, no way was Bucky looking at me. 

“Oh, while I’m doing this, do you mind looking over my essay?” He started looking through his backpack, trying to find it in the chaos that was his bag. You nodded your head, thankful for the distraction. 

“Yeah sure- did you want feedback or just someone to look for typos?”

“Just typos and to make sure I don’t sound stupid.” Bucky shrugged, he had Steve already give him feedback last week. Of course, he had to add it last minute, and it was due today. 

“That’s impossible,” you murmured. He finally won at the game of hide and seek the paper was playing before handing it over to you. You took the seven-pager and started reading through. It was your task for the next half an hour before your alarm buzzed in your pocket. Warning you that it was time to get to class. Thankfully, you were almost done looking the essay over, but glancing at Bucky’s notebook- he was only halfway through the notes.

“You know what, you can just give me back the notes in class. I gotta bounce… and your essay was good! Doesn’t sound stupid at all,” you complimented, handing him his revised assignment. There wasn’t much to edit, but it was a joy to read even if it was something boring like political theory. 

“Sure, I honestly thought you were lying about the notes- sadly, I was proven wrong,” He sighed.

“Rude, I never lie.” 

“Never?” His eyes widened in mock surprise. Wow–you were on a role getting Bucky to react to you. 

“Well… maybe sometimes when needed,” You mumbled, which Bucky let out a humorous snort at that. You both said your goodbyes before you left the cafe. Crossing the street towards the main campus building, you looked back towards the cafe window and spotted Bucky already watching you leave. He gave you a smile and a small wave, it made your face heat up as you waved back. 

— 

“Just the person I was looking for,” you heard someone say from your left side. You assumed they were talking to the girl sitting beside you at a different table–that was until your notebook was placed in front of you. That got you to glare at the intruder before your face involuntarily softened at the sight of Bucky. 

“You throw a mean glare,” he teased. He took the seat that was empty beside you. Your normal table partner rushed off to pair up with her girlfriend. Mr. Grant had blessed you with a group project, and of course, you were left alone until some unfortunate soul with the same fate approached you to partner up. Not that you were a bad group assignment partner…but you noticed you were typically the very last choice. So Bucky sitting beside you raised some questions. 

“Thanks, I see my notebook is still in pristine condition,” you joked. 

“Of course, Why? Is someone going around saying I destroy pretty girls' property?” 

“P-pretty?” You embarrassingly stuttered out. Clearing your throat to save face-you quickly changed the subject.

“Well, Bucky…what are you doing here?” It was a genuine question, normally you’d see him pair up with Sam or some girl he liked to call Dot. Or one of his Baseball buddies, but that was in rare cases when neither Sam nor Dot were available. Bucky gave an easy grin, not minding the subject change. 

“Just partnering up like the professor told us to,” he explained like it was obvious. You pursed your lips, unsure, as you glanced around the room. Sam was here, and so was Dot…so him being here only meant one thing. You were quick to dash your hopes away. Maybe he was waiting for one of his other friends, and he’s decided to kill time by chatting you up? 

Yeah, that has to be it.

“Oh well, I’m just surprised you didn’t pick your two favourites…Did Bob blackmail you or something?” You quipped with a chuckle, knowing Bob couldn’t really hurt a fly. Bucky raised one eyebrow and tilted his head.

“Bob?” He questioned, now it was his turn to be confused.

“Yeah, Bob…That’s the person you wanted to partner up with, right?” Great, now this was getting awkward. Bucky didn’t know whether to laugh or die inside; were you really this dense? 

“Um- no… I’m not pairing up with Bob. I want to pair up with you, if you’ll have me,” he stated. Bucky huffed out a small laugh, shaking his head at the silliness of the situation. You, on the other hand, groaned internally, feeling like the world's biggest idiot. You pouted for a moment, covering your face with your hands, which got Bucky to laugh (and that made you feel a little better). 

“I am so stupid…” You mumbled into your hands. 

“Hey, at least you look cute doing it…not that I think you’re stupid,” he was quick to correct. Heat crept up your face for the second time before you told yourself to get it together. Bucky flirted with every girl whether he meant it or not. I’m not special, you reminded yourself.

“But to answer your question, yes we can work together. Besides, I’m pretty sure the pairing up period has ended.” 

“Great! Now what do you think our project should be about?” Bucky got right down to work, which you really needed in order to recover. 

Maybe the universe was finally aligning for you? 

It felt like it; you don’t think you hung out with him as much as you did the past month. Sure, you hung around him because of Natasha and sometimes Steve, but now you were learning things about him that weren’t from second-hand sources. Sure–it was because of the group assignment, but you two always ended up talking about whatever during your small brain breaks. You now formally learned he had a sister, whose name was Rebecca or Becca, as he liked to call her. He was getting a degree in political science and was minoring in history. He jokingly bragged about his pitching skills out on the field. But you could tell Bucky had pride in his skills and his team (which was so sweet to witness). 

He liked coffee over tea, saying: tea was just bitter mud water (which you argued could also apply to coffee, and he looked genuinely offended), his favourite fruit was plums, his favourite colour was blue, and that he and Steve were friends since elementary school. 

“Wow, that long?”

“Yeah, me and Steve have been practically taking on the world together since we were six,” he said fondly with a proud smile on his face. It made your heart swell with affection and plaster a big smile on your face hearing that. Though you also felt a twinge of jealousy bubbling up, wishing you had something like that with him or anyone really. 

Of course, it wasn’t just Bucky speaking. You also opened up–like how you originally came from Moscow, Idaho. That you were an only child, and your parents were overbearing and overprotective (His mom was somewhat like that also, Bucky sympathized). You told him about your major, your favourite colour, that you couldn’t drink coffee because it made your stomach hurt, and finally about your nickname, since he seemed to be curious about the origin of ‘Chip.’

“That was you?” He had a look of delighted surprise on his face. He had almost forgotten about that. You groaned and leaned back in your chair.

“Yeah, that was me,” you grumbled. You couldn’t stay embarrassed for too long; the face Bucky was making didn’t allow for that. Equal parts amused and delighted at finally meeting the girl who punched the school’s mascot so hard their eyes went flying (the person playing the mascot was okay, their mask took all the impact). He let out a chuckle, greedily wanting to know even more about you, which you delivered later on another small break. You sprinkled in that you loved finding weird blogs or websites if boredom hit. Also mentioning that you loved reading fantasy novels, which he perked up at.

“You ever read The Hobbit?” He asked.

“No…it’s been on my reading list though. Why, have you read it?” You just haven’t had the time, and you were busy knocking other books off your ever-growing list of things to read. 

“Yeah, I have recently, and actually really liked it… you could borrow my copy if you want?” He offered, which you gave a meek nod to. 

Later, you were kicking yourself mentally because what girl in her right mind would mention to her crush about her lame hobbies of surfing the web and reading fantasy? Most girls you know didn’t care much for the fantasy genre (ones you knew anyway), they were too busy looking pretty, going to parties, or chasing guys. Great, now he probably thought you were a loser and a bothersome loner. Bucky made himself too comfortable to talk to–you reasoned for the slip-up. 

Much to your surprise though, a week after, when you two met up at your usual spot at Sarah’s cafe. Bucky was holding his copy of The Hobbit, and your eyes widened, seeing it was a first edition–which, to your knowledge, was rare. He beamed when he saw you and walked over, placing the book on the table. Seeing it up close, it had some general wear but was otherwise in pretty decent condition. You looked at him while he sat down, then back at the book. 

“Uh…” was all you managed to get out of your mouth. There was no way he was letting you borrow this. But you guessed he was, since he slid the book over towards you. 

“What’s with that face? Did you think I’d forget?” He asked, his eyes gleaming with triumph that he remembered (not that he ever forgot). 

“Maybe a little? But you do realise you’re letting me borrow a first edition of The Hobbit, right? That's like handing me a crap ton of money.” You don’t think you could accept this–what if something accidentally happened, or if someone stole it from you? What if some big purple alien invaded only to snap his fingers to turn this specific copy to dust? You couldn’t afford to replace it, plus you’d feel like shit…and he definitely would hate you and probably never speak to you again- 

“Hey relax, it’s my great grandfather’s from when he use to read it to his kids-”

“That’s not easing my concern! It’s an heirloom from your great grandfather?”

“Well, I mean- yeah, but it’s mine, and I want you to borrow it. Besides, I’m pretty sure he won’t mind. He hasn’t made his disapproval known by striking me down with lighting or haunting my apartment,” he joked, but there was sincerity in his words. 

“Really? Striking you down with lighting…What is he, God?” You hesitantly and extremely carefully put the book inside your bag. If he was going to insist then you might as well, since he seemed to trust you. You were going to make good on that trust. 

“Hey, it’s the first thing that came to mind…” After that died down, you two got to work on your project. Honing in on small details and making sure it looked pretty for the professor. Time slipped by you both as it approached closing time for the cafe. Taking a look outside, it was dark, with snow gently falling from the sky. 

“Here, let me drive you home. I can’t have you walking alone in the dark,” Bucky offered once you two were outside. It was chilly, but the falling snow made the night look more whimsical. You nodded your head at his offer, getting into his car and taking off towards your house. The ride there was quiet–it wasn’t awkward though, just a comfortable silence. You watched the snow zoom past the car as Bucky turned onto your street. He parked in front of your house, quickly getting out of the car and opening your car door for you. 

Such a gentleman.

You grabbed your bag from the backseat before exiting the vehicle, Bucky shut the door behind you. You were about to say your goodbyes before he stopped you.

“Oh, wait- before I forget, would you want to come with me to Barkers on Friday? The bar just down the street from Sarah’s cafe…they’re hosting a 40s-themed trivia night,” Bucky explained. He looked a little bashful inviting you. Though you don’t think you were faring much better, considering you felt like your heart was racing at a hundred miles a minute. Was this it? Was Bucky finally noticing you? 

“-Steve and Natasha will also be there,” he added, which made your heart drop. Feeling a bit dejected, your hope went way down. You thought he was asking you out. How silly. The universe really liked dangling Bucky right in front of you without any hope of having him. Whatever! Any outing with Bucky was better than none. Besides, he invited you–no way were you going to say no. 

“Sure! I’d love to,” you replied, hoping the disappointment didn’t show in your tone. Bucky smiled, eyes scrunched up and everything, excited that all his friends were hanging out in one place. 

“Great! I’ll pick you up at around six.” 

— 

On your way back home, you decided to stop at some metaphysical shop that you spotted during your third week in New York, but never went inside. You weren’t one to believe in the power of crystals, but thought maybe you’d find something cool to gift Bucky. Despite your disappointment last night, you were doing better today. A small skip in your step that even Natasha teased about. Heading inside the store, you were immediately hit with the scent of incense (lavender if you had to guess). There was a girl around your age working the counter, doing what looked like closing duties. Well, better hurry this up then-

“Hey, just letting you know we’re closing soon,” the cashier spoke up. She didn’t seem too pissed about you entering fifteen minutes before closing. 

“Um, do you guys have like… necklaces with the crystals attached?” You asked, wanting to get out of her hair as soon as possible. 

“We sure do, they’re just over there.” She left her spot behind the counter to assist you. Leading you towards a big rotating pegboard displaying various necklaces. All were the same length with different gems. You started carding through them, knowing that gems had different meanings but not what the meanings were. As if sensing your confusion about what any of them meant, the cashier spoke up again.

“Are you getting this as a gift or just yourself?” She prompted. 

“...Does the meaning of the crystal change if it’s a gift or not?”

“No, but if you’re getting it for someone else it might be a little hard figuring out what they need. Let’s say they’re a student, so you could probably go with clear quartz for mental clarity and focus…or are you getting this for a lover? Rose quartz would be a good option, it represents love and compassion- there are also some small informational pamphlets about the different rocks we sell,” she pointed to the table beside the display. You felt your face heat up a little at the exchange, not that she was mean–but this was well above your element. 

You quickly thanked her before she went back to her post at the counter. You started looking through the different necklaces again, wondering if getting him a rose quartz would be too bold. Then your mind drifted to a conversation you both had where he mentioned he had a friend who was a self-proclaimed witch. What if he happened to ask this friend what the crystal meant and she told him? 

“She probably loves you, rose quartz is the number one rock you get for someone you like,” she’d say, and Bucky would probably cringe and say ew.

No, you don’t think you could handle the embarrassment of being called out. You sighed and let the necklaces swing back in place. You turned to leave the store, but paused when you saw a shelf full of smaller items. One of these stood out, a triangular box with the words ‘One Wish Willow’ in bold red print. You walked over to the shelf and took one, deciding that maybe this would be a fun present (and you’d feel bad if you walked in here last minute and didn’t buy anything). You flipped it around, reading the words ‘Spark the middle and break in half.’ You smiled, thinking maybe this would be a good laugh if anything. Walking over to the counter, you placed your item down and started looking through your bag for your card. 

“These are pretty popular,” the cashier remarked, ringing up your item. “We put them out recently and they’ve been selling out like crazy, I guess everyone wants a wish.”

“Oh, that’s weird, but this isn’t for me so…” the cashier looked at you with an incredulous look before tapping away at the card reader. 

“Alright, but don’t come back complaining. Just telling you now–most people collect these things, and others do end up breaking them. But then nothing happens so they come here yelling around…” She started to drift off, clearly it was a sore spot for the store employee. 

“Because it’s a scam?"

“Hey, no- we’re not scamming people,” she said defensively.

“No, no, I know- it’s clear this thing is a toy, it’s silly that people think it’d work,” you quickly cut in. Hoping not to offend her more, you bit the inside of your cheek to silence yourself. You got out your debit card and quickly got the transaction over with. 

… 

“Let’s hear it for Bucky!” You heard Steve yell once you three were outside the bar. It was a riveting 40s-themed trivia, your table was neck and neck with another table full of older people. In the end though Steve and Bucky managed to wipe the floor with them, no mercy was shown. Bucky laughed, nudging his friend’s shoulder.

“Hey, you helped immensely too, you punk, I can’t take all the credit!” Bucky attested, which was true. Paired together, both of them were a dream team. You watched the scene fondly as Bucky got Steve into a headlock and started ruffling up his hair. Natasha trailed beside you, smiling at the scene also. 

“Pretty sure the reason they fought so hard was because the tab payment was on the line,” she whispered to you while you let out a laugh. 

“Don’t you guys normally split the bill?” You asked.

“No, those jerks won’t let me pay…not that I’m complaining,” Nat chuckled. You saw Steve and Bucky rejoin you two, with Steve trying to tame the bird's nest that was his hair now. 

“We should go somewhere else to continue the night more, doesn’t have to be another bar,” Steve suggested. Both Nat and Bucky agreed, wanting to see where the night led, but you were growing quite tired. Which made you feel lame, considering it was eleven o’clock on a Friday night; the night was still young, as some would say. But as you tried to stifle a yawn, Bucky noticed immediately. 

“Getting tired?” He asked softly so the others wouldn’t hear. Both Steve and Natasha were currently debating on where to go. 

“No, no, I’m fine-” a sneaky yawn caught you off which made him chuckle. 

“Hey, it’s fine if you want to call it a night, I can take you home,” he offered. It made your stomach flutter with butterflies, he was always so nice. 

“Oh no, I couldn’t ask that of you, didn’t you want to hang out with them more?” 

“It’s fine, really,” he gave you a reassuring smile before gesturing to them.

“I’m going to take Chip home,” he said loud enough for the other two to hear. Natasha looked over at you and frowned, not one of her serious ones, just sad to see you leaving so soon. 

“Awe, Chip, we barely see each other enough as is,” Nat lamented. You walked closer to her and gave her a hug, which she returned. 

“I know, sorry…Hey, I’ll make it up to you soon, promise!” You patted her back before letting her go. You did feel a twinge of guilt, but damn today's classes were too exhausting. Natasha did seem to understand. 

“Once you guys figure out where to go, call me!” Bucky called out as he started walking to his car with you in tow. You both got in and headed off to your place.

You and Bucky ended up having a conversation outside your house, both of you together in the warmth of his car. During said conversation, you felt a surge of random confidence in you to confess how you truly felt about him. It was weird; you didn’t even drink that much tonight. But watching him yap about how great the trivia questions were was something only your sophomore-year self could only dream of witnessing. The past month honestly felt like a dream, and you weren’t even sure what caused it. 

“I’m just surprised all the questions were actually related to the forties. Some quizmasters tend to just half-ass it, which annoys the hell out of me…” Bucky grumbled. 

“Bucky… uh, I have something to tell you.” There was a waver noticeable in your voice, which got him to straighten up. He turned his head to look at you, you now had his full attention. Great, maybe this was a bad idea… You swallowed thickly, looking around his general direction but never at him. 

“Is something wrong?” He asked, concern lacing his tone. 

“What? No- no, nothing like that, it’s just…” You trailed off. Oh god, just say it already! As you were trying to find the right words that didn’t make you sound like a silly teenager, Bucky's phone went off. You both glanced at the name that popped up on the screen. 

‘Nat ♡’

You squinted your eyes at the familiar name as your mind began to race: Why did Bucky have a heart beside her name? Oh shit, were they together? Why didn’t Nat say anything? Bucky chuckled awkwardly, mumbling about how he forgot to change her name. He glanced at you, but couldn't understand why you were staring so intently. He thought about it a little- the shake in your voice, how you were looking at everything but him, the way it looked like you were trying to formulate words because you didn't want to sound stupid. The more he noticed your behaviour–the more he understood, and his eyes widened.

“Chip, do you like me?” He asked softly, carefully. He was nervous that he’d read the signs wrong, but he was pretty sure he was correct in his assumption. His phone at this point was long forgotten. You shot your head up to look at him, finally looking into his eyes.

“No, god no, sorry I- I should… go,” you spoke defensively, hurried even. You grabbed your bag and shoved open the car door. Hurriedly getting out of the car, it was too suffocating at this point, and Bucky’s stare made you feel like an idiot. You couldn't take back your words at this point, the moment was completely ruined. You were too dumb to think Bucky would ever like someone like you.

“Oh, uh, alright then, good-” he didn't get to finish his sentence before you shut the car door on him. “Night…” he said to himself. You didn't bother opening it again. You speed-walked to your front door and entered your house, watching him drive off from the peephole in your door. You placed your back to the door and slid down. Sitting and ruminating about what just happened.

God, you're so stupid…

Of course him and Nat have something going on…

No, he mentioned forgetting to change her name back… are they not in a relationship?

Doesn't matter, why did no one tell you?

Now he probably thinks you hate him or that you're a complete bitch…

You spiraled pretty badly for a moment, thinking you fucked up your relationship with Bucky in general. Hell, you wouldn't blame him for avoiding you at this point.

He did say ‘good’ after you said ‘no’ to liking him…

What did that mean? Does he only see you as a friend…

Shit… 

You went to dig something out of your bag, and your hand brushed past what you thought was your phone. You grabbed it–revealing it was the One wish Willow. You stared at it, blinking in surprise when you remembered it was supposed to be for Bucky. Well, you couldn't give it to him now. You opened the box, pulling out what looked like a stick. An eerie jingle rang out once you did. Fuck it, you thought, thinking it wasn't going to come true anyway. 

“I wish James Barnes loved me more than anyone in the fucking world,” you said before breaking the stick in half.

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Chapter Two 𖹭 "Bucky, R U OK?"

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“What are you doing!” You shouted, taking your shoes off and walking over to where he was standing. He shifted awkwardly in his spot, blocking your view from the kitchen. 

“Nothing… I just burnt something and the fire alarm is being dramatic,” he frowned, scowling at the offending safety equipment. He fanned it a few more times for good measure, thankfully the irritating blaring squeal was sated as it shut off moments later. Both of you relaxed as the quiet took over before a sad meow was heard. Looking past Bucky you saw Alpine curled under the table, tail puffed up and shaking. You moved past him to get to her who gladly met you halfway. You reached down to pick her up off the floor, giving her a few soothing pets, she relaxed instantly. Snuggling into your shoulder and purring up a storm. 

When you turned around to face Bucky again, you saw him near the stove and to say what you saw was– interesting… would be an understatement.

Bucky was holding what looked like a baked sweet- if said baked sweet was supposed to resemble coal. It was burnt to a crip, still smoking and wafting a horrible stench of burnt evil. You nose scrunched up in displeasure at the smell as you heard him let out a few curses.

“This was not how I planned this to go…” he mumbled, staring down at his burnt monstrosity. Everything now seemed ruined. He felt like a failure for messing up the simplest thing someone could bake– box cake mix. His mom was probably scolding him beyond the grave right now. Bucky was just trying to recreate something his mom did for him on his birthdays back when he was a kid. Which involved making a nice supper and baking a cake. Now his cooking skills were nothing to sneeze at, his baking skills though… they were nowhere to be found. His vibranium hand gripped the cake pan so hard it began to dent. 

“Hey, I mean– for what it's worth, thanks for trying? I mean… cake is so overrated for birthdays anyway,” you shrugged, trying to be nonchalant about it. But in reality you were a little bummed. You petted Alpine a few more times before putting her down.

“Really? Cake is overrated? Sweetheart, everyone needs a cake on their birthday… especially you,” he looked so offended you'd even suggest that about cake. You wanted to argue that when his birthday came around you two barely did anything– he didn't even let you get a cake, let alone bake one. But you held back your tongue on that thought.

“Well, we could always buy one at the store?” You suggested, pulling out your phone to find the nearest one. Before you could turn your phone on– he placed his flesh hand on it before lowering it down.

“Absolutely not, store bought cake? That stuff tastes like what Hydra used to feed me if they did at all,” he grimaced. You, his darling. His sweetheart. The love of his life– deserved a better boyfriend who could bake and a cake that didn't taste like chemicals. You rolled your eyes, thinking he was being ridiculous. But you couldn't help the smile that was threatening to appear, he was acting like this was a tragedy. 

“Why are you smiling? This is serious…” he spoke but couldn't help but also smile at you smiling. Before the both of you started laughing at the absurdity of the situation. It didn't help that he genuinely looked pained at the thought of no cake. 

Which got him pausing mid laugh at an idea.

“Wait, I think I know how to solve our problem– I'll be right back,” he started grabbing his coat and gloves, giving you a quick kiss on the forehead before running out the door. 

“Wait Bucky! Most of the bakeries are… closed–wow, he really just ran out of here…” you watched as he slammed the front door closed in his haste. Luckily he didn't splinter the door frame like last time. You stared at the door, wondering where he could possibly be going before shaking your head fondly. Looking over at the mess he made (damn was he a messy baker, no wonder he barely does it), there was cake mix powder all over the cutting board, and blue food colouring liquid dotted around like he wasn't aiming for the bowl. You got to work cleaning up his mess while you waited for whatever he had planned.

Bucky had rushed off to the only bakery he knew would be open late. Rushing inside– he was out of breath, apparently passion made him forget he could drive. To his delight there were still some pastries left in the displays. He walked over to the counter, spying a small cake the size of his palm… it will have to do. 

He quickly paid since he realized it was almost closing time, he watched the worker place it in a cute white box before he was handed his prize. He thanked them before rushing his way back to you. Making sure to guard the cake with his life lest something happen to it. He made it back to the house with no further incidents, seeing that you were distracted. He crept over to the dining room where he left the candles. Bucky quietly took the cake from the box and placed it on a plate far too big for it before setting a single candle down. Lighting it up he walked over to dim the lights and walk over to you, small cake in hand.

The first clue that Bucky was behind you was a small sound he made announcing his presence before the light dimmed. You turned around and saw him holding a tiny cake with one candle in the center. The image looked funny, but your heart swelled with joy. Honestly James Buchanan Barnes never failed to make you feel so special, never failed to make you feel so loved. Even if burning the cake to a crisp wasn't that big of a deal.

“Happy Birthday, sweetheart,” he beamed, smiling so beautifully wide, his eyes scrunched up in that charmingly boyish way.

wc: 1,147

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“It was fine, I’m just a bit tired,” was all you said on the subject. He didn’t look like he believed you, but you hoped he’d drop it.

“Oh, well, you must have eaten good then- I’m a little jealous, all I had was soggy leftovers,” Dad laughed and you chuckled, but there wasn’t any humour in it. “Good night, my sweet girl, I’ll just be in my office as usual,” he went in for a hug, which you sorely needed. You hugged him tightly, soaking in the safety and warmth. It was nice, needed, even if the guilt was creeping its way back to you once you realized Alexander wouldn’t be getting any comfort from his father or his mother. 

… 

You know when a specific sound from a traumatising memory replays on loop? That was currently happening to you. You couldn’t stop thinking about it. You wished you could, since it’s not like you were on the receiving end of it. But you’ve never witnessed such anger and violence from anyone like that, especially directed at their own kid. Sure, you knew something was going on–you weren’t stupid. Alexander often brushed it off or told you to mind your business; it wasn't a big deal. Even when you two got into a relationship, he just didn’t say anything about it, like it was an embarrassing open secret; one to ignore in the hope it went away. And sure it did, but only when his dad left to do his job (whatever that was, you still don’t know what he does other than travel to different parts of the country). 

That’s besides the point though, you did whatever you could on your end to make sure he felt welcome and safe here, and sure…you gave Paul slack whenever you could, but he also did his part in helping Alex whenever he could. Alexander’s grandma was a big help; he loved that woman. Not that it excuses anything–in fact, it made your heart ache even more that his own home wasn’t the first port of call when it came to sanctuary. You let out a tired sigh, feeling the tears welling up in your eyes. You flopped around on your bed, trying to find a comfortable position to maybe get some sleep- 

Tap! Tap! Tap!

Your eyes shot open. Was that Alexander? You knew he had a habit of throwing pebbles at your balcony doors to get your attention. You glanced at the clock on your bed side table, it read 2:37 am. Slowly getting out of bed, you walked over to your Juliet balcony doors and swung them open. There was Alexander hanging on for dear life as the railing groaned in protest. 

“Alex!” You gasped and helped him inside. He weakly crawled his way in, landing with a thud on your carpet. Your heart broke once you got a good look at him as he readjusted to sit normally. It seemed like the majority of his injuries were taken care of, as his face and arms were littered with bandages and bruises. Alexander winced once he saw your face, seeing the distress and pity made his heart lurch uncomfortably in his chest. Though he found himself not really wanting your pity. He felt absolutely humiliated and less right now, having you see him get scared of his own father was, well…he didn’t have a word for it right now. Plus, all the alcohol in his system seemed to be kicking in full gear, so much for looking okay. 

“Das ist keine große sache,” he mumbled, he bit his bottom lip to stop the tremble in his voice–then biting even harder once he felt the burn in his eyes and heaviness in his throat. Don’t cry, you can’t cry, you’re not allowed to cry. 

You can’t start crying, because what good does crying do if it doesn’t change anything?

“Come here,” you motioned him closer, which he hesitated, but ultimately listened. You pulled him into your arms, being mindful of his injuries. Alexander’s upper body was leaning against you, keeping his face hidden near your neck. You leaned up against the wall, arms loosely wrapped around him, while his were wrapped around your waist. He clung to you tightly, feeling hidden in the safety of your arms, he finally let himself cry. You tried not to mind the strong scent of alcohol on him…but you ended up scrunching your nose up, it was far too strong to be normal. 

“Have you been drinking?” You asked softly.

“Ja- I went to Paul before coming here, I was embarrassed that I couldn’t even defend you against…” His words faded off, slurring more towards the end. He then started laughing, though it didn’t sound like his normal boyish one. This one sounded angry–humiliated. He hugged you tighter, his laughing turning into a sob. You continued holding him, carding your fingers through his hair–you noted it got longer. 

You were about to argue that he did more than enough, but he wasn’t finished talking. 

“I’m being sent away for a while until he cools down, not sure how long it will be this time,” Alexander mumbled nonchalantly. The pit in your stomach worsened at this news, you just got back, and now he was forced to leave? That was utter bullshit in your eyes. Why was Alexander forced to uproot his life for an intermediate amount of time for someone who was barely there anyway? 

“Well that…doesn’t sound to bad if you’re with your grandma-”

“Not my Oma that lives here- I'm being shipped off to my Opa, my mom’s dad who lives in the countryside three hours away,” he explained. 

“Alex.. that’s not-” 

“Mama said it was for the best, I’m inclined to believe her…She’s the one who sends me off to my Opa after something like this happens,” he sighed. Normally, going to his Opa’s place wasn’t all doom and gloom. Sure, it hurt being sent away, since his presence hurt the peace Rudolph so desperately deserved. Alexander found it unfair that he only got to spend a handful of hours with you. He snuggled closer to you, ignoring the ache in his body, as he just wanted to soak up the warmth you had. You continued petting his hair, knowing nothing could be done about it, and Alexander seemed to be over the topic now that it had passed. A quietness settled between you two, calm, but an underlying sense of tension was still there. It seemed like hours passed with you two just sitting there, soaking in your own thoughts. Honestly, you thought he might have fallen asleep. You were verging on passing out yourself, but you faintly heard him mumble something. 

“What was that?” You asked softly.

“Could you...could you tell me you love me?” Those words made you freeze in place. 

It’s not like you didn’t love Alexander necessarily, it just felt like too grown-up of a word at the moment. Which is why you haven’t used it, and it’s been almost a year since you guys started dating. You felt awful about it, but love felt too strong a word at your age. Who knows, maybe you were overthinking this, but he also never mentioned loving you. You guys never talked about it, no awkward fumbling of:

‘oh, I love you!’ 

‘oh! I love you too!’

Then a thought came into your head: Is he only asking because he’s hurting and drunk? That didn’t sit well with you. You didn’t want what felt like an important moment to be forgotten about the next day…or whatever large amounts of alcohol does to someone (granted, you didn’t know how much he drank, but he reeked of it). Sensing your hesitation, Alex lifted his head to take a peek at your face. His vision was blurred, but he could make out the conflict in your expression. 

“Alex, I don’t think that’s a good idea…considering your condition right now,” you explained softly. You didn’t want to make him feel more hurt than he already was. You patted his shoulder, hoping he would understand, but he scoffed and looked offended. He quickly got off you, sitting up with a slight wobble. 

“Why? Is it because you think I’m so unloveable also?” He spoke with disdain and threw you the nastiest glare. Wow, you haven’t seen one of those directed at you since you were smaller. 

“What? No! That’s not what I’m saying, it’s just- I think that’s a thing for another day when you’re more…you know, better?” This wasn’t how you wanted him to take it, but the look on his face was making you want to take everything back and just give him what he wanted. Shame and sadness replaced whatever safety he felt–he looked away from you, hiding his face in his hands. 

“Ugh, Paul was right- why do I even try?” He muttered as he started rubbing at his face, like that would make the thoughts go away. You paused…what did Paul have to do with this? Paul shouldn’t even be brought into this conversation.

“What do you mean by that?” 

“Nothing…it’s nothing.”

“No, Alex- it’s not nothing, What did Paul say to you?” 

“Nothing! It’s none of your business. I don’t pester you about private conversations you have with Pia. Why are you nagging me! Who do you think you are, my mother?” He shouted. It made you flinch, and Alexander froze. He blinked a few times before hanging his head low, shame written in his posture. Well, this night couldn’t get any worse, you thought. You’re a bit glad your dad can sleep through anything, because he can tolerate a lot of things, but your boyfriend yelling at you would not be one of them. You tried not letting it get to you; he was having an even worse time, you reasoned. 

“Fine, I’ll- I’ll let this go, let’s just… go to sleep,” you spoke softly. Getting up off the floor, you made your way towards your closet, where you kept the extra blankets and pillows. Digging some out, you started making a small makeshift bed for him near your own. Once you were done, you sat on your bed, gesturing that he could lie down if he wanted. Alexander stared at the ‘bed’ for a moment before scooting over towards it. He said a small ‘thank you’ before lying down, back facing towards you. 

Both of you laid there, hoping that this wouldn’t affect your relationship despite everything. 

…

Sunlight hit your face, making you groan at the bright rays. Thinking it was too early for this, you took a glance at your clock: 12:45 pm. That made your eyes shoot open as you quickly sat up in your bed. You were a little disoriented, so you were a bit confused on why there was a large lump on your floor. Memories from last night suddenly came rushing back to you, and you winced internally. From the dinner to the small fight you two had–no wonder you slept in. 

“Ach… Wo bin ich hier?” You heard Alexander mumble, waking up from all the commotion. You forgot he was such a light sleeper. Once he realized that he wasn’t in his own bed, he lurched forward to sit up, which was a mistake, as his head started spinning and his temples started throbbing. Alex held his head in his hands and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to gather himself. Once he got himself somewhat functional, he looked around the room and his eyes landed on you. He said your name softly, confusion lacing his tone. 

“Ugh, I feel like shit…” He mumbled, earning a chuckle from you.

“You look like shit too, but I can’t blame you,” he rolled his eyes at your observation. His hair was everywhere, clothes crumpled, and it looked like they were sticking to his skin…he also just looked exhausted. You handed him the glass of water you normally kept on your bedside table. He took it with a quick ‘thank you’ and started chugging it down. He placed the glass back before sighing.

“Bitte…sag mir, dass ich nichts Peinliches getan habe?” He asked, you couldn’t help but think back to what happened last night in the early hours of the morning. 

“What do you remember? From last night?” You probed gently, wondering if he even remembered that far into the night, and it looked like he was thinking hard for a moment. 

“Um, all I remember was climbing your wall, crawling in through the balcony and telling you I was going away for a while? Most of it is blurry after that,” he explained warily. 

“Could you- could you tell me, you… love me?”

“Alex, I don’t think that’s… a good idea considering your condition right now…”

“Why? Is it because you think I’m so unloveable also?”

You frowned, but decided to shake your head ‘no’ at his initial question, and he relaxed at that. You weren’t about to make him feel more like crap. You already said you’d bury it–there was no need to kick him while he was already down. You’d put the ball in his court if he ever wanted to bring it up, but you doubt he would… 

“Uh, mind if I take a quick shower? I can’t go to my Opa like this.” 

“Sure, I’ll even get you a new shirt.” You quickly got out of bed and held out your hand to help him up. He nodded his head in appreciation, taking your hand and hoisting himself to his feet with your help. He was a bit unsteady, but he recovered quickly and made sure to move slowly towards the bathroom. After a while, you found an old long-sleeved shirt you didn’t mind lending out and placed it on the floor in front of the bathroom door. 

“Shirt is on the floor!” you shouted out to him before making your way downstairs to the kitchen. You were thankful it was Monday, meaning your dad was already at work. So he wasn’t here to question and lecture you about Alexander sneaking in last night. But knowing your luck, he probably heard you two fight… Better ready an explanation before he gets home. 

But you’ll deal with that later; you were making a small breakfast (more like brunch) for you two, making sure to add some foods to help with Alexander’s hangover. You even got one of the huge cups to fill it with water and readied some painkillers. You kind of knew what to do since your dad sometimes came home a little wonky from drinking out with friends. The only difference was that Dad never made you deal with his drunkenness. Alexander came down not long after you set the table and served out the food. He looked surprised, and you motioned for him to come eat. 

After you two had a silent meal and Alex was hydrated, he walked over to you and gave you a big hug. 

“Thanks for this…and sorry for dropping in on you at two in the morning,” he spoke. You chuckled, and were just glad he seemed to be feeling a bit better even after everything. 

“It’s okay, just make sure to call me when you get to your grandpa’s house.”

“Ja, mach ich,” he gave your forehead a quick kiss before making his way to leave. Once he was at the door, he took a look back at you before he finally left. Watching the door shut gently behind him, you went to the living room to watch him walk towards his house. Seeing Alexander hesitating at his own front door broke your heart. Though he didn’t have much time to gather his bearings- as his mom opened the door seconds later. She gave him a hug before dragging him inside. 

You never really understood why your dad said romantic relationships were hard. But now you think you do.

Words: 2,772

Memory Ten

It’s been about a year since the whole confession at the park. In your eyes, you and Alexander were doing pretty good at keeping it lowkey, considering neither parent said anything or mentioned the shift in your relationship. You’d say nothing much has changed between you two…other than the occasional awkward kiss here and there when you two felt brave enough for it. There was also the stiff snuggling in the park where you’d complain that the sticks were stabbing your back. Holding hands was still a bit of a problem since he never really recovered from the whole Annika debacle, which made you upset. Not at him, but when you think back on that whole ordeal it made your blood boil. As a compromise you both link pinkies, so it’s something. 

But all your hard work was thrown out the window on that faithful day you came back from your trip.

Looking back on it now, it was funny and endearing. But in the moment you felt mortified, extremely so. Especially since it was in front of both your dad, his mom, and his sister at the airport. You had just come back from a month-long trip to Canada. You missed your friends something fierce during this trip, and it looked like Alexander did also. You both hadn’t seen each other since school ended for summer break, so emotions were running a bit high. As soon as he saw you lagging behind your dad, he rushed over towards you, almost bumping into some people in the process. 

“Alexander!” His mom chastised, but he didn’t pay any mind as he wrapped his arms around you in a bone-crushing hug. It knocked the wind out of you and made you let out a small squeak in surprise. He wasn’t typically this forward, but you didn’t mind; in fact, you were soaking it up. You let out a soft laugh before wrapping your arms around him, giving him a small squeeze in return. 

“Missed you too, Alex.”

“I don’t think you understand how boring it was without you,” he lamented. “I was about to put up missing posters…”

“You’re being dramatic, I told you it was going to be about a month,” you rolled your eyes, trying not to smile but failing miserably. He pulled back from the hug but didn’t let you get very far as he cupped your face in his hands. He observed your face for a few seconds before slowly inching his closer. You both seemingly forgot you had company- 

A loud gasp was heard.

“Ich hab's doch gewusst!” You heard someone shout behind Alexander. He froze, like the spell you put on him by just existing near him broke. He quickly pulled away from you, arms now glued to his ribs, and turned around. You, on the other hand, were too embarrassed to see the look on their faces. You’re thankful Alexander’s back was blocking their reactions, especially your dad’s. 

“Wusste was!” He stammered, mortified. All you heard was Marie snickering- this wasn’t good.

“Alexander Andreas! You and I will be having a chat after we drop them off. This is so inappropriate!” You heard Mrs. Andreas hiss. You cringed, seeing as he visibly deflated at his mom’s words. At least she didn’t threaten to take this to his dad, you know that wouldn’t end well. Speaking of dads, you're wondering why yours hadn’t said anything on the matter. You meekly peeked from behind Alexander and spotted him immediately. You couldn’t tell what your dad was thinking, as he kept his face neutral.

Well, shit…  

… 

You weren’t entirely sure of what happened on Alexander’s end. What you could say, which surprised you, was that your dad didn’t seem fazed by the development. 

Once you got home, you quietly broached the subject once he had time to relax. You stood in the doorway of the living room and hallway, trying to act nonchalant and pretend to be invested in whatever your dad was watching. Looking between the TV and him, he let out a sigh, deciding to put you out of your misery. 

“Sweetheart, I’m not mad if that’s what you’re worried about,” He spoke gently, patting the spot beside him. You took that as your cue to sit down. Well, there goes running if this turns out to be awkward. 

“But why?” You asked, confused.

“Well, for starters, you two sucked at hiding it…but I’ll give you points for lasting around a year,” he chuckled, which earned a groan from you. 

“What–but how? Why didn’t you say anything?” 

“Kiddo, the look that boy gives you was a dead giveaway. Besides, it was funny watching you two tiptoe around the subject–and well… me and Cynthia were the same way growing up,” your dad explained. That caught your attention, him and his late wife? Your skepticism must have shown since he started elaborating. 

“My mom–Your…grandma isn’t a very… nice person, and she didn’t particularly like Cynthia, which is why in high school I never spoke a word about our relationship to her, lest she cast her wrath on me,” Dad chuckled towards the end, but there wasn’t any humor in it. You frowned; your reasons for hiding your relationship seemed silly in comparison. From what little pieces you know of your dad’s family, his reason seemed a little dire. 

“But I say all this to let you know that I’ve been there at your age, so no judgment here,” He smiled, and you believed him. He gave you a comforting pat on the shoulder and a quick kiss on the forehead. 

“But if he ends up hurting you, it will not end well for him,” he spoke in the most deadpan tone.

“Dad.”

It’s been a couple of days since that whole ordeal, and now you find yourself sitting on the swings at the park. Scuffing your shoes against the sand as you waited for Alexander to appear. He left a note in your mailbox that said to meet him at the park. You were glad to know that he seemed okay. The look of distaste his mom gave him at the airport made you think she’d lock him away forever. 

You didn’t think much of the note at the time, but Alexander definitely changed when you were away. He was much taller now, hitting about the height his sister was currently at. He also lost most of his baby fat, but still had a baby face, which you found adorable (you’d never tell him that though). Something else seemed to be different about him though, but you couldn’t put your finger on it. 

In your musings, you couldn’t hear that someone was approaching from behind you. Arms raised, they took hold of your shoulders-

“BOO!”

You let out a scream, thinking someone was about to attack you. Trying to act fast, you whipped around and landed a heavy punch to whatever surface your fist made contact with first. Which happened to be… their snout? Taking a better look, you came face to face with a very realistic wolf mask. That mask now turned a 90 degree angle from the force of your punch. It started shaking before you heard a muffled laugh, a familiar laugh.

“You…are such an ass,” you mumbled.

“Scheiße…I…” He paused for a moment to breathe, but all that came out was more laughing.

“The look on your face–you should have seen it!” He wheezed out. You rolled your eyes and lightly shoved him away from you, though it didn't do much. Alexander calmed down enough to remove the dead-eyed, realistic wolf mask. He was a bit red in the face, but overall seemed okay.

“Where did you even get that anyway? It looks a little too…real,” You stared down at the mask. The brownish grey fur looked soft, but the thing that creeped you out was how it only had the upper part of its head. 

“Marie’s boyfriend got it, I don't know where though,” he shrugged. 

“How nice…I guess,” you replied. A bit peeved that he didn’t just say hi like a normal boyfriend, but whatever. You’ll get him back one of these days. Before anything more was said, he dropped the mask into the sand and gave you a hug. Squeezing you tightly– like you’d turn into dust if he didn’t. 

“Um, sorry for… everything at the airport,” he mumbled. “I was caught up having the perfect ‘welcome back’ that I forgot about…you know,” he felt bad for fumbling that badly. But whenever he was near you, it was like everyone else was forgotten about. He also missed you like crazy while you were away–not even Paul could get him out of his slump. 

“Alex, it’s fine. My dad wasn't even that mad.”

“Wait…really?” He pulled away from you with a puzzled look on his face. He didn’t know whether to be relieved or jealous. His mom made such a big stink out of it that Marie had to jump to his defence (she always did, which he appreciated). His mom was weird about these things.

“Yeah, it was a little weird…but I’ll take what I can get over a lecture,” that got him to laugh. “But what happened to you?” You finally asked. 

“Uh…just the standard stern talking to where I sit on the couch and get yelled at, nothing different there…But Marie was there, so it was some comfort to know she had my back,” he shrugged. That got you to frown; you hated how casual he made it sound. But all was somewhat forgotten when Alexander kissed your cheek before giving it a loving pinch. That made you squeak in annoyance.

“But enough about that Rotkäppchen, I have something to ask.”

“What is it, grandma?” That caused him to pause before rolling his eyes. 

“Well, after the yelling, my ma… I guess, came around to the idea? She wanted me to ask you if you wanted to come over for supper? Something about celebrating our recent relationship? And Rudolph is back in the city, so…it’s more of a family supper,” he started inwardly cringing the more he talked. But that changed when he said his dad’s name with enough scorn to make you internally flinch. Despite that though; you could tell he really wanted you to be there, even if you ultimately couldn’t do much in the event his dad was set off. 

“Sure, I just have to let my dad know.” At that, Alexander scooped up his wolf mask before you two began the walk to your house, taking the familiar gravel path out towards the neighbourhood. Nothing changed much other than the flowers in Alex’s yard–every year his mom liked to change the arrangement. Looking at this year's arrangement reminded you of the time last year when Mrs. Andreas tried to get you into gardening with her, but became overbearing with how things were meant to be placed, how it should be done, and when she did give you a task to do alone she’d be looming over you…not to mention the part where she hit your hands with the spade-

You never gardened with her again after that… 

Shaking your head to get rid of that unpleasant memory, you turned your attention to unlocking your front door. You got into the nasty habit of swinging the door open and yelling out what you were doing for the rest of the day. Whether that be hanging out at the shopping district or going for a walk. 

“Dad, Mrs. Andreas asked if I could dine with!-” Your dad interrupted your shouting by appearing from the living room, looking unimpressed by how loud you were being. “Oh, there you are,” you said more quietly. In your defence, most of the time dad was slaving away in his office. 

“Stinker, there’s no need to shout at me,” he chided. You heard Alex snicker quietly behind you. 

“Sorry, but Mrs. Andreas invited me to eat at their house tonight…and I was wondering if it would be okay?”

“That’s what all the fuss was about?” Your dad chuckled before putting his hand on his cheek. He stared down at the floor as he gave it some thought. You loved it when your dad hit that pose, you’d think he was making the hardest decision of his life. 

“Hmm, sure, I think it would be nice,” Dad smiled, before sending you both on your way to do whatever Alexander wanted to do before dinner.

… 

You were currently sitting on Alexander’s bed, staring at the multitude of posters and art that littered his walls. Some of it were bands that he got into, movies he liked, and stuff you and him doodled over the years. You saw he even still had that weird black tree decal his mom got him one year for his birthday. Other than that, his room didn’t sport much besides a bed, a nightstand, a desk, and a dresser (though you didn’t understand why he had it since there's clothes littered everywhere). Growing a bit bored with waiting, you spotted a stereo along with some CDs, which were neatly organized inside a small storage container on his desk. You chuckled a bit to yourself, of course he kept his hobbies neat and organized. You’ve seen Alexander’s notebooks–they were organized by how well he liked the story he wrote. Although the orange one you gave him was always on top, no matter how many notebooks he filled. 

Though lately, you’ve noticed in recent months he’s stopped writing altogether, only doing it on very rare occasions. Which are few and far between, it made you a little sad. You knew some people grew out of some hobbies, but Alexander had such a love for writing that you were a little bummed to learn he didn’t do it anymore. You knew with Paul around he’s been getting into more concerning hobbies...If you could even call them that. A bit of smoking and drinking here and there. Sometimes you catch that they’ve been getting into fights (mainly with Felix and Max). 

You sighed, got off Alex’s bed, and headed towards where the CDs were. You were curious to see what he’s been listening to lately. His birthday was coming up, so maybe you could get him a CD with a similar vibe? Perhaps a new band poster? You knew he typically listened to metal, courtesy of his sister introducing it to him. He has a soft spot for older music too (40s to 70s), so maybe you could make him a CD? You know he’d love anything you gave him, which is why you were determined to put in a lot of effort. Flipping through his CDs like a nosey Nancy–you noticed one album faced down and tucked away. Curious, you picked it up and flipped it over to see that it had a very interesting cover. It wasn’t anything overtly scandalous, just something you know he couldn’t display openly. You chuckled, and that’s when Alexander finally came back from helping his mom. 

“Alex, you got something to tell me?” You teased, shoving the CD case in his face. The album in question had six shirtless, hard looking men in front of an orange flower. Not the strangest thing you've seen here, but Alexander’s other CDs didn’t have such an orange cover, nor that many shirtless men on the cover. He squinted at the case before snatching it out of your hands.

“Oh mein Gott…No!” 

His reaction had you cracking up, watching him shove the CD into his bedside drawer underneath some papers. Whenever he got embarrassed (especially from you), he was so dramatic. His cheeks grew pink, along with his ears, which got you laughing more.

“Ich schwöre, da ist nichts Seltsames daran!” He started to try to explain himself, stating that Paul gave it to him to borrow. He thought Alexander would be interested in that band’s sound and that whatever you were insinuating wasn’t true.

“Okay, okay! No need to explain, I was just teasing, I swear.” To make it up to him, you gave him a little kiss. Which made him melt instantly.

“Ugh, you almost gave me a heart attack… ᵇᵉˢᶦᵈᵉˢ ʷʰʸ ʷᵒᵘˡᵈ ᴵ ᵇᵉ ᶦⁿᵗᵉʳᵉˢᵗᵉᵈ ᶦⁿ ᵗʰᵉᵐ ʷʰᵉⁿ ᴵ ˡᵒᵛᵉ ʸᵒᵘˀ” He mumbled the last bit under his breath. You tilted your head and raised an eyebrow.

“Huh?” 

“...Hä…?” 

“Alexander! Bring your…friend down here, and could you two please set the table?” You heard Mrs. Andreas' call out. You decided to drop the subject and head on out to the dining room. Alexander was right at your heels, linking his pinky with yours to grasp at some small form of comfort. He was getting more tense the closer it got to supper, not relishing the fact that he’d be breathing the same air as Rudolph. But he tried looking at the bright side, you would be there beside him–he took a small comfort in that fact. He just hoped that with company around his father would behave. 

Alexander made his way over to the china cabinet, where there was a variety of expensive-looking cups, dishes, and even silverware on display. He ignored all the pretty dishware for now and took a deep green, lacy tablecloth. 

“Here, put this on the table. I'll place the dishes since you seem to trip whenever porcelain is involved.”

“Hey, that was one time!” You huffed out, and heard Alex laugh as you laid it down on the table, smoothing the wrinkles out and making sure it was perfect (lest Mrs. Andreas say anything and start fussing). Alex came around and started placing the plates, utensils, and cups down. They were a bit crooked, but knowing Alex, he could get away with it. 

A little while after the table was set up, you saw Mrs. Andreas go back and forth between the table and the kitchen, placing an assortment of dishes down in the middle of the table.

“Wow, she really made an assortment for anyone to enjoy…” You whispered to Alex.

“Yeah, that’s normally how it is when my pa is back,” he whispered back. 

It wasn’t long before everyone was seated at the circle-shaped table. Mr. Andreas was sitting between of Mrs. Andreas and Marie. You took a seat next to Mrs. Andreas, and Alexander sat between his sister and you. Marie and Mrs. Andreas started making some small talk before she started fussing over the placement of the food. 

“Verdammt Frau, it looks fine!” Mr. Andreas spoke harshly, being fed up at not being able to get the dinner started with. Mrs. Andreas glared at her husband before leaving the dishes alone. She signaled everyone to start filling up their plates. Hesitantly, you looked at your food options. Everything looked amazing, everything smelled amazing too. Since you didn’t want Mrs. Andreas' hard work to go to waste, you decided to take a bit of everything. 

Everyone ignored what Mr. Andreas said previously, keeping themselves preoccupied with their food. Once the plates were half finished, Marie started striking up conversation with you and Alexander. She was asking easy-to-answer questions like: ‘How was school?’ ‘How was your trip to Canada?’ and ‘Did Little King here show you the photos of that concert they went to recently?’

“Little king?” You questioned.

“Well, normally I’d say kleiner König, but since I’m speaking English, it makes more sense to say it in English… Besides, Alexander is still my little brother, no matter how much he grows,” she teasingly gushed. Marie started giggling while trying to lovingly pinch Alex’s cheeks. He huffed with a roll of his eyes, leaning away from her while holding her wrists so they didn't follow. 

“But the real reason is that one time I took a glance at his notebook. He had a story in there where the king read a lot like Alexander here…” She paused to think, “Actually, thinking about it now, the princess in the same story read a lot like- Alexander!” Marie yelped as some sauce conveniently landed on her shirt. The perpetrator looked innocently at his food, munching away at his seconds. Marie then readied a sauce attack in retaliation-

“Enough, both of you! I can’t even enjoy a damn meal with you two around!” The siblings eerily stopped and went back to their plates the second Mr. Andreas yelled. Everything was now back to awkward silence. You already finished your food and decided to go for seconds, not wanting to just sit there without anything to do. 

“Girl is going to get fat eating like that…” Mr. Andreas muttered as he watched you grab seconds. You paused your movements as everyone froze, but Alexander slammed his fork down on the table. The look of fury on his face was something to behold–it even got you to lean away from him. 

“Don’t talk about her that way, as if you could say anything, Rudolph,” Alexander sneered, glaring at his dad from across the table.

“What did you just say to me?” His dad sneered back and slowly lifted himself out of his chair. Mrs. Andreas was quick to place a hand on her husband's shoulder, trying to placate him–to do anything to calm the storm that was brewing. But it was like trying to stop a starving dog from eating; once its jaws latched onto the steak, it wasn’t letting go. Both weren’t going to back down, not after what the other did (even if only one was in the wrong). You leaned farther away from the scene, not liking where this was going.

“Alexander didn’t mean that…Right, my sweet-” Mrs. Andreas was cut off by Alexander, who wasn’t paying attention to anything but his father.

“You fucking heard what I said!” Alexander yelled, which dug his grave deeper. His father slammed both his hands on the table. He made everything quake noisily, dishes and utensils clattered. Everyone flinched back, including Alexander, who had the sudden realisation that this might have been a mistake. 

“Don’t you swear at me! I am your father, boy! Get over here now!” His father yelled, and Alexander could feel his throat close up. Fear and panic overtook his body as he glanced over at you one final time. Seeing the fear in your eyes, it made him feel pathetic that he couldn’t even stand up to his own father…and that you were witnessing it firsthand. Did that make you think less of him? He didn’t want to find out. So he quickly backed towards the kitchen with his father hot on his trail. 

.

.

.

Chaos soon erupted as far as you could tell, the father was on his son in a manner of seconds. Trying to act like the bigger man, because how dare Alexander defy his father’s authority? You felt your shoulders getting grabbed by Marie as she led you away from everyone. Not letting you see more than you already had, she led you towards the front door. You heard father and son yelling at each other before what sounded like a harsh slap being thrown rang out. 

“Rudolph, stop! Don’t hurt him!"

That was all you heard before the door was slammed shut. You stood there on the front porch, shaking. You never heard anyone yell that loud before, and even outside you could still hear them going at it. But only one voice remained yelling as you left the yard and ran over to your house, scared that maybe Mr. Andreas would come after you next.

Words: 4,024

Memory Nine

It was a weird feeling, still is– being on what feels like cloud nine around you. Is this what it feels like to fall in love with someone? Love might be too strong of a word right now, though… Alexander didn’t know; it’s not like he had a good frame of reference. His father wasn’t someone to confide in about these sorts of things, and neither was his mama, if he was being honest… 

Still, this time it felt different, different than his normal ‘crushes’ (ew). Whereas he felt more nonchalant about them, he felt giddy around you. It makes him daydream about the two of you in the future, makes him write about you in his story, and makes him feel hopeful for a future for once, as silly as that sounds. 

Although he also felt disgusted with himself at times. He finds this behaviour too girlish. Girls are meant to be the more feely type, not boys. This is the type of stuff that changes a man, as his father would say. Whatever that meant. Alexander recalled an instance of his father finding his writings about a girl he liked in the second grade. He can still feel the shame and humiliation as his dad read the journal out loud for the family to hear, and later called his hobby an embarrassment, among other things.

“Acting like a girl of all things! I didn’t raise you that way, boy,” before his father threw the journal in the trash. He went crying to his mama about it, but she wasn’t any help.

“Your father is right, my dear, don’t question him and stop your crying, it's unbecoming of you.”

But he knew he could be somewhat open and honest with you. You wouldn’t mock or ridicule him in the slightest. You make it easy, being the first person he can be himself around. He’s forever grateful that it was you who stumbled upon him at the park. He could confess right now, he so badly wants to spill all his feelings onto you, but something always held him back. He knew someone like you wouldn’t actually like him in that way. He knew he had a lot of faults, and he’s grateful you stuck around as long as you have…

It confused him, he could never understand how you two grew to be friends because of how ugly he is as a person; too battered and bruised by the time you came along. He protected what little he had of himself at the time, like a starving dog fighting for the last scraps of food. He tried so hard not to get his hopes up, but you somehow made it easy to forget all that. 

Deep down, he knows he’s done being friends with you.

… 

“Alexander!” He heard you calling out to get his attention. He blinked a few times, looking over at you and seeing the frustration written on your face.

“Are we going to talk this out, or are you going to keep ignoring me?” You spoke softly this time. At times like these, it was like pulling teeth to get him to talk. You saw his fists start to shake before he unceremoniously dropped all the bags he was holding. You watched as all your stuff clattered to the ground. Some of the items spilled out of the bags that kept them safe. You stared at the mess around his shoes with wide eyes, taking a step back in shock. 

“What was that for-”

“I don’t know why I have a problem with Pia, okay! But, sometimes, I feel this… bitterness seeing you two together, it makes no sense… She’s not a threat in any way. I’m bitter over a girl who doesn’t even matter in the end! It’s so stupid! I feel so… It’s just… it’s…” You don’t think you’ve seen Alexander so panicky before, if that even was the right way to describe what was happening. He paced back and forth, picking at his nails to the point of making them bleed. Growing concerned, you stepped closer to him and brought a hand up to place on his shoulder. He flinched at the contact, so you pulled your hand back. 

“I liked it when it was just the two of us… I was less worried that someday you’d leave…” He hung his head low. That gave you pause– you seemed to find the root of the problem, but you had a feeling he wasn’t telling you everything (per usual), although you were glad he said it…even if it did sting a little. Is that really what he thought? That you’d easily leave him? 

“Alexander, I wouldn’t-”

“I know… I know it’s stupid, okay, could we just leave it at that?” He crossed his arms over his chest. He really was done with this conversation. 

“Alright, let’s just go…” You mumbled, picking up the dropped shopping bags as Alexander stood off to the side, too humiliated about his freak out to help. His nerves felt too shot, and you felt too exhausted to continue whatever this was (not that he’d let you, that was clear). By the end of it, you honestly felt bad for pushing…maybe you should have just let this be for now.

The walk back was awkward, only the soft crunch of gravel and the soft breeze that swayed the trees could be heard. 

… 

Alexander seemed quieter than usual this week, which wasn’t saying much, but it got to the point that Paul was asking you about it. Of course, he framed it in a way where he was blaming you for it. You weren’t entirely sure yourself, sure, you had an inkling, but it wasn’t much to go by (considering last week's conversation). You didn’t want to push, as he’d probably come around… he just needed some space to think. 

It was a Friday night, and you're hoping that over the weekend, Alexander sorted out whatever he was going through. You knew him being with his grandma helped a lot, she isn’t really like his parents…oddly enough. Sure, he often sings praises to both his mom and grandma, but you always got an odd feeling about Mrs. Andreas (especially after gardening with her). Whatever, it wasn’t your problem… All you had to worry about this weekend was whether or not your dad was going to hog the TV again. You got cozy in bed, trying to drift off to sleep. 

Tap…

Tap…. 

You looked up and over at the balcony doors, vaguely making out a small item being thrown at the glass. Great, who the hell was that? You contemplated getting up and waking up your dad… or just hoping whoever it was would stop and move on. A moment later, after nothing came from throwing rocks, you heard what sounded like Alexander hushedly calling out your name through the window you kept open…followed by more rocks being thrown in rapid succession.

TapTapTap!

TapTapTapTap!

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“Oh my god. What!?” You called out, throwing the blanket off you and walking over to the window. There Alexander stood, 12 am at night, trying to get your attention. You walked over to the balcony doors and opened one, leaning on the railing to get a better view. He was in his pajamas, and his hair was incredibly messy (when wasn’t it?), like he just rolled out of bed. 

Wait, wasn’t he supposed to be at his grandma’s? That’s like a forty-minute walk… 

“What are you doing here?”

“Meet me at the park!”

“What, why? It’s dark out!” 

“Just meet me there,” was all he said before running off. You watched him disappear into the bushes, the darkness swallowing him up. Not going to lie, that whole thing made you antsy and confused. Alexander not explaining himself, then running off wasn’t helping either. You heaved a heavy sigh before shutting the balcony door. You made your way downstairs, threw on a sweater and some shoes, before sneaking out the front door. You didn’t have to worry too much about your dad waking up, considering he was a heavy sleeper (and snores like a chainsaw some nights). Once you started walking down the path towards the park, it suddenly dawned on you that this probably wasn’t a good idea… 

It’s not like there were any street lights on this path…

Oh god, what if that wasn’t actually Alexander but his evil twin?

What if there was something else waiting for you at the park? 

This better be worth it…

Shaking away the thoughts of your overactive imagination, you realized the moon provided ample light once you were at the playground. It didn’t have the burden of being covered by trees. Still, you approached carefully and spotted Alexander sitting on one of the swings. Going over to him, you sat on the other swing next to him. He didn’t even look up and only stared at his shoes, kicking the dirt around. Looking at him further, you could see he was biting the inside of his cheek, and his hands were shaking… 

“Are you cold?” You then piped up, deciding to break the silence. 

“N- no… I’m just thinking…”

“So, you invited me out here to keep you company while you think?” 

“What? No, just-” he motioned for you to be quiet for a moment, you rolled your eyes, but complied. You resigned to observe your surroundings for the time being. You’ve never been here this late before, and everything looked quite nice in the moonlight. You also had to admit…Alexander looked quite nice in the moonlight as well, and that made your face heat up. You don’t know… It made him look soft in a way? He'd probably get offended if you said that to his face though. 

After what felt like hours (which was probably just a few minutes), he stood up from the swing and finally turned to face you. Getting to look at him fully made you quite concerned– it looked like he was about to throw up. He was still shaking, but before you could say anything, he held up his hand to stop you. 

“Um…ʷʰʸ ᶦˢ ᵗʰᶦˢ ˢᵒ... ˢᶜᵃʳʸ... Rotkäppchen, I…” You could see his face and ears start turning a deep shade of pink. He wiped his hands on his pajama pants and took a deep breath before continuing. 

“ᴵᶜʰ ᵐᵃᵍ ᵈᶦᶜʰ…” You heard Alexander mumble, but you couldn’t catch his words.

“What?”

“Ich mag dich…” He spoke louder (barely), but you heard his words this time. They made you freeze for a moment. You both stared at each other, him in fear and you in disbelief. Well, there was no denying it now, and how could you after that? His little confession was clear, and he couldn’t take it back. Not that you wanted him to…but there was that little prickly feeling of fear creeping up on you.

Everything would be different now… 

Well, perhaps not, you tried reasoning. Romantic relationships are just like friendships if you think about it hard enough… But even thinking that was hard to believe. So, you blurted out the first thing that came to mind:

“My dad would never let me date you!” 

“Hä?” His eyes went wide; he wasn’t expecting that response. At most, he thought you’d shove and yell that he was too ugly or something… What did your dad have to do with this? He blinked at you, confused but still hopeful. You can’t believe you just blurted that out. That is not what you meant, if anything… 

“Uh,” you cleared your throat and stood up from the swing. “What I meant to say was… I like you too, Alexander- but… I know my dad wouldn’t let me have a boyfriend, let alone date this young,” you explained. Though you don’t think he heard past ‘I like you too, Alexander,’ from the starstruck gaze he was giving you. You swear he started floating. He was beaming at you, shaking from excitement now rather than nervousness before coming closer to you and giving you a hug. 

“Is it really true?” He whispered, fearing that maybe this was a cruel dream, that he’d wake up back in his house with nothing changed. If this was a dream, he hoped it’d last a bit longer before he woke up.

“Alex…please…I can’t breathe!” You squeaked out. 

“'Tschuldigung!” He quickly let go, and you took a deep breath. Damn, he had a grip on him… You took a few more deep breaths to calm yourself before laughing.

“Damn, you confess your feelings then try to kill me? I see the type of romantic you are…” You teased.

“Oh mein Gott, no! ᴵ ʲᵘˢᵗ ᵍᵒᵗ ᵃ ˡᶦᵗᵗˡᵉ ᵗᵒ ᵉˣᶜᶦᵗᵉᵈ…” He mumbled the last part. He could feel his face start heating up again from embarrassment. It got you laughing a bit harder before you finally calmed down enough to answer his previous question. 

“And, Alex, of course it’s true… I wouldn’t say that if I didn’t mean it,” you gave him a reassuring smile…but to really drive home that you meant it, you quickly shuffled closer towards him, clumsily bumping into him in the process. Before you lost your nerve, you went for it, giving him a nervous, really unconfident kiss on the lips (more like a peck, since it didn’t last long at all), and quickly pulled back, wondering how you managed to do that. Alexander didn’t look any better, his face was as red as a tomato, but he looked so happy. 

Not much happened after that…but you both knew it was probably a good time to head back to your respective houses. Alexander complained that he had to walk forty minutes back to his Oma’s house. 

“You know, you didn’t have to walk forty minutes here just to do this…you could have waited…” 

“Oh no, I needed to do this now, or I probably never would have… It was the reason I was so quiet last week.” 

“Oh,” was all you could bring yourself to say. The walk back to your house was quiet after that. Silently reflecting on the events that happened not even five minutes ago, you both knew you had to keep this on the downlow…lest your parents freak out about it. Though they probably wouldn’t be surprised (especially Alexander’s mom). Still, you weren’t excited for that conversation, but oh well, that was a problem for future-you. You both walked back, hand in hand, excitement brimming on where this would take you. Once you were in front of your house, you turned to look at Alexander. You had to make sure to drive home one thing. 

“You know… we will have to keep this a secret for now right? I just want to make sure you know that,” you emphasised. 

“Oh, I know… I don’t even want to know what my mama will do once we do tell them…” He started imagining all the uncomfortable things, making him frown. The talks, the constance watch, and the teasing. Or perhaps his mama would just lock him away somewhere far so he’d never date a girl. You both shutter at the thought. 

“I… Well, it should be easy? I mean, we just have to act like we normally do,” You think you both could make this work just until there’s some sign that it’s okay to be dating.

You just hoped that came sooner rather than later…

Words: 2,662

Memory Eight

“I’m so glad Alexander is using that nickname! I came up with it after he told me how you met. It was just too cute not to compare– though, instead of finding flowers, you found my sweet Alexander,” she was beaming. All you could do was nod along, feeling weirded out. But that explained where he got the idea.

“I think he also uses it because he likes you!”

“Huh?” You stopped pulling weeds to stare at said boy (who was too absorbed in his book to listen) before looking back at Mrs. Andreas. Sure in the past you’ve hoped maybe he’d have some feelings for you. Maybe found him cute once or twice throughout your time together. You even gave him a small forehead kiss last year… Wait, maybe she meant it in a friend way? You grew a little nervous but continued pulling weeds.

“Oh please, you should see the way he looks at you! Rotkäppchen was his favourite tale growing up, wanted me to read it to him every night,” she explained, which caused your face to heat up. 

Oh, she meant it in a- no, no way. He was probably really comfortable with you by now. That’s probably it; he’s just getting more comfortable in the friendship between you two. No way his mom would just out him like that- 

You felt something hard swat the back of your hand, which caused you to flinch and pull your hands away. 

“Ow, what was-”

“No dear, don’t weed them like that! You're doing it wrong,” Mrs. Andreas huffed out. 

… 

“What! She hit you?” Pia frowned…her only takeaway from the story, it seemed. She leaned in a little closer to check on your hands, looking relieved that no marks were left behind, before she continued eating her lunch.

“So, that's the whole reason he calls you that? It is really cute! But…” Pia raised a brow, “Would that make him the Wolf, or the Woodsman?”

“Maybe he’s the grandma?” That got Pia and you to laugh. You two became friends last year after the Lego presentation incident. It was a little slow warming up to her, since in your mind, she was suspicious. Though she was quick to prove that she wasn’t like her brother, Felix. You knew that deep down, your classmates often sang her praises of how friendly she was. Still, you thought maybe, like Annika, that Pia was only hiding her true intentions. But it’s been a year, and Pia has been nothing but kind to both you and Alexander.

“You know, speaking of Alexander…I'm surprised he isn’t sitting next to you.” That got you to glance at the empty chair to your right, before shifting your eyes towards the very back of the class. Alexander was sitting near some shelves by one of the windows… and next to him was Paul.

Paul “I hate anyone who breathes in my direction” Sommer, who calls people by their last name because he’s pretentious. You didn’t like him, mostly because he didn’t like you either; Paul made it known that because you hung around Pia, you were also the enemy. You felt bitter– if it weren’t for you encouraging Alexander to talk to him, you doubt they would be friends. But you digressed… 

Alexander had spotted you looking at him and gave you a small wave before making a funny face. That made you laugh and make a face back at him.

“Ah, the joys of young love… Is what my papa would say if e saw you two,” Pia teased. Your face heated up as you stopped looking at Alexander and turned back to the other girl. 

“It’s not like that-”

“Ah, ah! Don’t even say that- Alexander makes it obvious he likes you, but I would argue that you make it obvious too by the way you look at him,” she pointed out. You frowned, wondering if you have, but you’re pretty sure you’ve kept it lowkey.

“Okay, fine, give me an example then.” You were now curious. You’ve only known each other for about a year; what would she even know? 

“Well, for one, you always give him those oatmeal cookies in your lunch, claiming you hate them…but we both know you bring them to make Alexander happy. Not only that, but you have pens and pencils for him at the ready in case he needs one. Lastly, you get this goofy smile whenever he’s around, and it doesn't even matter if you just saw him.”

Wow, maybe you were being obvious… It’s also a little creepy but impressive that she noticed all that; you really couldn’t deny that you had a small crush on the brown-haired boy. You couldn’t remember when you first started having those feelings, but it was only recently that you began acknowledging them. It was embarrassing at first… 

Like, wow! Okay, fall for the first guy to ever interact with you here in Austria…he’s supposed to be your friend! FRIEND! 

Then came the fear. You’d get the feeling of bile rising in your throat if you thought about confessing your feelings. You also weren’t picking up any hints he liked you that way too. His early actions in your friendship, and during, didn’t really help his case either. Oh well, you knew that it was likely nothing would occur. You were content in being friends, plus, you knew your dad wouldn’t let you date this young. 

“Hm, you know, maybe that’s why he acts weird around me…” Pia mumbled, mostly to herself. 

“What? Weird how?” 

“I don’t know, he goes quiet whenever I speak in conversations, doesn’t really look at me… like I’m not even there, he also looks bored around me-” she began counting the instances with her fingers. You were going to cut her off in defence of Alexander (he’s always like that around people he doesn’t know), but Pia kept going. 

“I noticed that he straight-up glares at me, like, the amount of contempt on his face is kind of impressive- but anyway, Alexander, whenever he does talk, just mumbles out how stupid I sound or how dumb my hobbies are. There’s also the staring whenever I ask him a question… it gets so awkward that I never really wait around for his answer,” Pia spoke. She didn’t seem that upset about it, but she looked mildly frustrated. You didn’t really know what to say; you also noticed how he tended to ignore her, but he was also like that with you in the beginning. You thought it was just a matter of the waiting game.

Although you clearly weren’t paying attention to the other behaviours listed. How didn’t you notice? 

“Oh my god, Pia, I’m sorry for not noticing sooner…”

“No, no, it’s okay! Not everyone has to like me, I understand that. Alexander’s just picky with who he deems as friends. Also, I’m not saying this to put a wedge between you two, I hope I didn’t come across that way…”

“It’s fine, you’re good.” You were still going to have a chat with him. You at least wanted him to be civil and not in attack mode. A little while later, the bell rang, signalling that lunch was over. 

“Are we still hanging out after school?” You asked Pia. 

“Hm, I don’t know…” Pia pondered, making an exaggerated look of uncertainty. You elbowed her for that, and she swatted your arm away.  

“Of course, Rotkäppchen, I’m not skipping swim for nothing,” she teased. You groaned at that.

… 

“Why can’t you just ditch her?” Alexander mumbled. He spotted you by the lockers before you left and had invited you to hang out with him and Paul (mostly him- Paul would just hang back, he added). It didn’t sound very appealing, considering Paul would be there anyway. 

“Alex, we literally hung out yesterday…and the day before that,” you pointed out. 

“Ich weiß, Ich weiß… but Paul wanted to go to this new music store that opened up and…” He went quiet for a moment, thinking about how he should word this without sounding clingy. 

“I would be more comfortable if you were there, that's all,” he finally spoke. You were grateful he was able to be a little more open with you. He knew you wouldn’t make fun of him for having feelings, even if he still bottled them up. 

“Alright, look-” you were cut off when someone called out your name. 

“Sorry, I didn’t want to interrupt, but we should get going if we want to visit all those shops, and hallo, Alexander,” Pia came up beside you, giving both you and Alexander a friendly smile. 

“...Hallo,” he muttered. 

“Pia, I was wondering if you…wouldn't mind Alexander and Paul joining us? They're going to check out a new music store near the shopping district,” you explained, hoping to compromise. Alexander looked displeased but kept his mouth shut. If this was the only way you'd go with him, so be it. 

“Oh! I know which one you're talking about, Felix went there recently,” Pia said excitedly. Alexander frowned, the look of contempt clear on his face. You both ignored it. 

“But yeah, that’s fine!” 

… 

“This is stupid. Why are we even here? I didn’t sign up to be your girlfriend and her friend’s pack mule!” You heard Paul muttering to Alexander. Not that he was trying to be quiet, as he said it loud enough for you and Pia to hear. All of you were at a small souvenir shop that sold cutesy themed items. Pia was dying to show you, stating that you’d definitely love it. There were some interesting knick-knacks around, and you ended up buying three plushies and a teddy bear-themed notebook. 

You watched Alexander as he looked around the store, all the while being firmly rooted and lingering in a corner, one that was closest to the exit. The two boys looked out of place here (they were acting allergic), but it was a little funny watching them be overdramatic about some pink and glitter, as if it offended them personally. Alexander elbowed his friend in the rib for that comment, but couldn’t help agreeing. 

“Ugh, just shut up, it's almost over…” he shifted the bags in his hands, thankful when you and Pia started walking over towards the exit. You both were done with your little shopping spree, having completed your mission of hitting every shop you two wanted to check out. Now, all four of you were headed to the music store that the boys were so desperate to see. 

“Damn, finally! Why do girls take so long to do everything…” You heard Paul complain again. You rolled your eyes and kept walking in front of them. Pia was looking around, taking in her surroundings; she rarely had time to head out during the school year, being too occupied by swim meets and school. She was doing her best to ignore Paul’s flappy mouth and Alexander’s grumpiness. To lighten the mood, you asked her what she bought.

“Just some school supplies I needed, and new clothes… I did indulge and got a couple of posters and some cute shoes as well," she started listing off her haul. You laughed when she started getting excited about her new Garfield plush. 

“Isn’t that for babies?” You heard Alexander mumble. 

…

You guys finally arrived at the music shop, aptly named Wolfgang’s Musik. It looked quite cozy with records and CDs lining the walls. A few posters of some bands and singers were slapped on the walls where there was room. There were alphabetized shelves of CDs and a few CD and record players out on display. It had everything a music lover could ever want from a store like this. It seemed they agreed, because the store was busy, even for a Wednesday evening. 

“Here, I’ll take my bags back,” Pia took her shopping bags from Paul, who looked happy to be rid of them, before running off to the metal section. You were about to take your bags from Alexander, but he quickly held them away from you before you even touched them. 

“Uh- don’t you want to look around? It’d be easier if I held my stuff.” 

“Nein, I don’t mind holding it for you, Rotkäppchen.”

“Wow, ever the gentleman, Alexander,” you heard Pia tease from behind you. 

“Weren’t you just complaining- hey!” You were quickly dragged off by Alexander and led off towards Paul, leaving Pia stunned, but she quickly caught up to the group. All four of you were shoulder to shoulder, trying to take up as little space as possible since people were moving about the aisle. Paul was whispering something to Alexander, while you and Pia looked at the selection in front of you. You only knew a few artists in this genre; your dad was a metal fan and often blasted their music. 

Pia browsed the CDs with keen interest and picked one off the shelf to look at the track list. She hummed in approval before showing you what she picked. You didn’t know the band, so you couldn’t comment much on the album. 

“Looks like someone has bad taste…” Paul spoke in a mocking tone, earning an amused snort from Alexander, who absentmindedly looked at the CDs. You could hear Pia exhale frustratedly through her nose, but ultimately ignored them again for what felt like the one hundredth time. You were getting fed up on her behalf, but knowing her, she didn’t like making a big deal of those things. She once told you that the best thing to do in those situations is not react. You, however, couldn’t just leave this be.

“I’m going to head to the listening station…” She stated and pointed to a kiosk next to the checkout. You watched her walk off before turning to look at Alexander. 

“What’s your problem?” You finally asked, tired of watching the way both of them behaved towards her. Couldn’t they at least be civil? 

“Problem?” Alexander feigned ignorance of his actions. He felt a bit justified, seeing as Pia was still hanging around despite knowing she wasn’t welcome. 

“Yeah, with Pia? You’ve been acting weird ever since we became friends.”

“His problem is that she’s related to Felix,” Paul butted in.

“I wasn’t asking you.”

“Nothing is the problem, Rotkäppchen, I'm glad you’ve made a new friend and are broadening your ‘social circle,’” he muttered. You rolled your eyes– this again? You were under the assumption that the problem from last year was dead and buried, but to Alexander, it was still festering. Again, he never made anything easy… 

“Really, Alex? There is nothing to be jealous of!” You hissed. He started tensing up, mouth pulling into a frown. No way was he going to start arguing in the store, so he turned his back to you and started walking to a different rack of CDs. You stared at his back for a moment before getting fed up and making your way over to Pia. Honestly, at this point, you just wanted to head home. 

… 

It was just you and Alexander now; Paul and Pia had gotten picked up by their parents a while ago, and now you two were making the journey home. Luckily, you didn’t live far from the shopping district, and if you used the shortcut that cut across the park, you’d be home in no time. Though, as you both were coming closer to the secret park, you decided to bring up your concerns again. 

“So…Could you tell me why you have a problem with Pia?” 

“I don’t have a problem with Pia, I just find her annoying…” 

“What do you mean you find her annoying?” You probed, not wanting to let this go like he wanted. Sure, it’s not like you wanted to have this conversation either, but you hoped going forward he could…You don’t know…ignore her? Like how Paul normally was with you. That was more tolerable, being silently judgmental than whatever was going on right now. Besides, Pia didn’t even do anything– she tried making Alexander feel at ease around her, but he rebutted all her effort. 

“Ich weiß es nicht…” He mumbled.

“I think you do know.”

“Nein.”

“Ja,” You pressed on. Alexander stopped in his tracks, clenching the straps of the shopping bags so hard his knuckles were turning white. He stared at the gravel beneath his shoes, frustration written on his face. 

“What is the point of telling you? Would it make you stop hanging out with her?” 

“No, she’s my friend, but you’re my friend too, and I just want to understand why you can’t be civil around her!” You were growing frustrated yourself. This discussion was going nowhere.

“See, then what's the point of talking about it if she’ll still be around!”  

“Are you serious right now, Alexander? What- you get to make new friends but I don’t?!” 

“No…” He started chewing the inside of his cheek. It wasn’t that simple. At least he didn’t think so; if he was being honest, he felt stupid for being jealous of a girl, a girl who really didn’t pose a threat to him. He wanted to come first in your mind, wanted you to always choose him, like how he did with you. He was your first friend after all, why wasn’t he the priority? 

Maybe that was the problem. 

He was only a friend in your eyes…

Words: 3,016

Memory Seven

He forced one foot in front of the other, not wanting to be caught loitering outside by his mama. As he walked, he tried taking his mind off his worries, lest he talk himself into hiding at the park again (last time he did that, it did not end well for him). His mind drifted off to thoughts of you– wondering how you were doing. Just how sick were you? If he was being honest, he was a little worried about you, he hoped you weren’t feeling too bad. He always liked it when he got sick during school days since that meant he could stay home. But that was few and far between, and lately he had been enjoying going to school since you were around. 

He could feel something other than nervousness in his stomach at the thought of you. The fluttering of what felt like butterflies, his face heated up at the thought. It’s been happening ever since you gave him that journal…maybe a little before that event. He knew what that meant, and he found himself cringing. 

Ew, gross-

“Move it, freak!” He heard someone yelling out at him before getting shoved out of the way. Luckily, he didn’t land on his face and quickly recovered. He scowled upon seeing that it was none other than Max. Who noticed Alexander was alone today, which meant they had free rein today. 

Great.

… 

A project was given that was due in a week, one that required a partner. Since you weren’t here, Alexander had to mention to Mr. Fuchs that you two would be partners… In response, Mr. Fuchs took Alexander aside and mentioned that he should branch out to other people, get out of his comfort zone, your friend should broaden her circle, so to speak– just as you should too. Talk. To. Other. Peers. 

Your friend should broaden her circle.

That thought lodged itself in his head for the rest of the day. The idea of you having other friends made him feel queasy. But there was no way that would happen anytime soon; everyone tended to avoid the two of you unless necessary. Alexander opted to ignore Mr. Fuchs’ words and started doing whatever to pass the time. He didn’t want to do anything without you, plus, the teacher’s instructions were confusing… While doing so, he was also brainstorming ways to speed up your recovery, since going to school alone for one day was one too many. He was just glad it was Friday, so you’d have time to get better before Monday. Still, he had an idea… 

… 

That's where you found yourself on a Sunday evening– Alexander at your side, shoving some kind of soup in your face. You weren’t even sure how he got in here in the first place. Your dad was at a meeting, and you don’t remember anyone knocking… 

“No need to worry about that, just eat the soup.”

“Alright, well, breaking in aside, what even is in that? It looks rancid…” Alexander wanted to be offended…but knew you were right. The soup looked like someone threw up in the bowl, but he swore it tasted good. Besides, doesn't all soup look like that at the end of the day?

“Jä, but Oma makes this for me when I’m sick, and it works…I thought it would help?” He started shifting around on his feet, probably starting to doubt himself. It made you smile, so he was worried about you? You sat up on your bed, taking the container of soup from his hands, and gave it a try. You were pleasantly surprised that it wasn’t as bad as it looked. It was basically just chicken broth, carrots, and… eggs?

“Scrambled eggs?” It wasn’t what you were used to eating, and found it a little odd, but you kept eating anyway. The warmth of the soup did wonders for your sore throat. 

“It’s Eintropfsuppe, I- Oma made it…It’s just broth, flour, eggs, and whatever else you put in there,” he explained. 

“Well, tell your Oma I said thanks.” You were really grateful, even if you haven’t met the woman yourself. Alexander often brought her up during the week, considering he spent most of his weekends over there. He said he goes over to help out around her house or just spend time with her. It made you think about your grandma and how you missed seeing her around. Thankfully, she often sent letters and little care packages whenever she could. 

Once you were done eating, you handed the container back to Alexander. He looked quite satisfied with himself as he put it away. Taking two papers from his bag, he held them out towards you. 

Ah, the homework.

“One is due Wednesday and the other next week.”

“Oh, a partner project? Did you already pick the topic we’re going to be researching?” It was a good assumption that you guys were paired up already. You could see Alexander shake his head from the corner of your eye as you read the instruction paper. 

“No… I just did whatever for an hour since I didn’t want to do any work without you, Mr. Fuchs was kind of vague on the topics we could pick…” 

“Wouldn’t be the first time… He’ll probably add more onto the assignment on Monday,” you grumbled. This wasn’t the first time this happened; Mr. Fuchs liked giving vague instructions so he could tack on more work if he felt like it. Every kid in his class complained about it, but nothing was ever done to remedy it. Oh well, you could discuss more tomorrow, you’re positive you'll be better by then. 

“Anything else happen on Friday?” You asked.

“Um, no, you didn’t really miss much,” other than that lecture about making new friends or whatever, but he wasn't going to mention that. You nodded along, grateful nothing major happened. 

… 

Your hand hurt, it kept cramping up whenever you thought of colouring the little Legos that were exploding from the title: The History of Lego. It was in big, bold letters centered in the middle of the page, along with some little scribbles from Alexander. He actually got the writing for it done the day before. All that was left was the cover page and to practice presenting. You were doing the majority of the artistry, though, since in Alexander’s words:

“I suck at drawing,” He scrunched up his nose at the thought. 

You looked over at said boy, who was supposed to be colouring alongside you. He was writing in his notebook and bopping his head to some music he brought over, honestly, you were surprised he got anything done with this music on… it was harsh. Once the first song came on, your dad had a look of shock on his face…but didn’t say anything and continued with his own work. You just shook your head, shifting around at the kitchen table, since sitting on the wooden chairs for so long was starting to get uncomfortable. You sighed before grabbing a slice of the toast your dad brought earlier. 

“Look, Alex, if we don’t get this done- me and you are toast…” You took a bite out of your jam-covered toast to emphasise it was time to get working. Alexander groaned at your pun, giving you a glare before focusing back on the papers before him.

“I’d rather be writing or playing outside than doing anything for this stupid project…” He muttered, furiously clicking his pen, like that would get the boredom out. You sighed through your nose and shook your head. Your theory about Monday was correct (thank god for Alexander’s magic egg soup), Mr. Fuchs added more rules to the assignment. A 3,000-word essay on the history of whatever topic you chose… Along with a short presentation, which was tacked on at the last minute. 

“It must be informative and presented in a professional manner–nothing inappropriate!” He warned, looking over at two kids in particular who snickered.  

“We’re gonna look stupid presenting this… Everyone else picked more- ugh!” He was getting frustrated and anxious at the presentation portion. You couldn’t blame him… but he really didn’t want to present. You frowned at his choice of words and glanced over at him. He was staring at the cover paper, bouncing his leg anxiously. 

“Well, I could present the project myself…all you’d need to do is stand there,” You offered with a reassuring smile. Alexander didn’t say anything for a while, but he nodded his head. Seemingly thankful he wouldn’t have to speak, but still unsure about standing in front of the whole class. You thought back to when Mr. Fuchs gave more information about topics to choose from. He really emphasized it could be anything, and once reassured, Alexander seemed so excited. He was the one to quickly pick the topic in the first place. 

“Our topic is going to be about lego,” He stated.

“Lego? I thought it was meant to be informative?” You asked, staring at the assignment paper then the board. It wasn’t like it gave much information about what topics you shouldn’t pick…but you were just trying to avoid the blank look on his face.

“He said we could do what we wanted, it just needs to be informative,” he defended. You knew early on in your friendship that Alexander loved three things in his life: fantasy, Lego, and his mom’s cooking. He would never budge on them. Lego wasn’t exactly your thing, but you’d guess it was for now. 

“Alright, well, we could definitely fit these questions to the topic of lego…” You shrugged, you could see out of the corner of your eye that Alexander was doing a little happy shimmy.

Which was weird considering how he acted now. He huffed as he quickly coloured another lego brick (sloppily, mind you, some spilled out from the lineart) and took a sip of his water before spacing off. You weren’t going to allow him to fall victim to his day dreaming.

“You were so excited about this in the beginning… why aren’t you anymore?” You asked, finishing off your toast before going in for the second one. He frowned, giving his paper a look of contempt, then let out a heavy sigh. He was quiet for a while, probably mulling over how to word what he’s trying to say. It used to freak you out–how he’d have to take time to figure out what to say even in a simple conversation, since you always thought he was going to say something insane. But he just had trouble with words and hated looking stupid. 

“I know Annika is going to laugh at us…or say something, they always make fun of my interests… the only reason I picked our topic was because I didn’t know we had to present,” he mumbled out. You did realize how passionate the writing was–even for something as boring as the history of something. You loved reading it, since Alexander had a knack for writing.

“Hey, I’m sure it’ll be okay. Besides, I’ll be the one presenting it, so I doubt they would pick on you for just standing there.” You tried to comfort him to the best of your abilities. You felt bad you couldn’t do more…unless you wanted to end up with suspension, but you didn’t want a repeat of last year. You bumped his shoulder with yours playfully, giving him a smile. 

“I know we need to finish this, but…” You held the last word out for a dramatic effect, which seemed to work because Alexander gave his full attention to you, “We could play on the Nintendo 64, I recently got Mario Kart- but! Only for a little while,” you said, knowing full well you and Alexander would forget about the project after 5 minutes. He perked up at that, giving you a sly grin before getting off the chair and dashing over towards the living room, giving you no time to get up and race him to be player one. 

“No fair!” You shouted after him. 

…

“Lego started in a carpentry workshop of Ole Kirk Christiansen in 1932. He was making mini versions of his products, which then led to producing toys…” You began, trying to speak in a clear voice. You were gripping the paper, making a few wrinkles while trying to remember to look at the audience every once in a while. Alexander was standing to your right, a little bit behind you, so he could subtly hide himself. The presentation wasn’t going as planned, as Annika decided to be bothersome by asking you to speak louder, making faces, or asking obnoxious questions. Your classmates were encouraged to ask questions so they could fill out a little worksheet that was given. You had to write three facts you learned about a group's chosen topic, ensuring that your peers would listen. You were ignoring her to the best of your abilities, but at certain points you wanted to tell her off… especially when:

“Shouldn’t Alexander get a chance to speak? I thought both parties had to talk,” She pestered, giving him an ‘encouraging’ smile. 

“That is correct. Alexander, you need to stop hiding behind your partner! We talked about this young man,” Mr. Fuchs motioned for the boy to take over. He froze, as all eyes were now on him. Some classmates started snickering at the callout. You decided to step in.

“But Mr. Fuchs-” 

“No, young lady, if he doesn’t do his part your grade on this project will be deducted. If Alexander can’t handle this, then how is he expected to survive the real world?” The teacher wouldn’t budge, and Annika was looking smug at her work. For a while, it looked like Alexander wasn’t going to move, but before the teacher could comment, he snatched the paper from your hands and started speaking. He was talking pretty fast, which in turn made his voice hard to hear. He also refused to look anywhere, opting to burn a hole in the paper. You felt bad seeing Alexander’s hands start to tremble, and he kept wiping his palms on his pants. It didn’t help that his face was also starting to get red. 

What felt like an eternity for him, he was finally done presenting, but the final nail in the coffin was when Annika opened her mouth again.

“Wow, that was great… for something as lame as Lego,” she sneered. You gave her a harsh glare of contempt, turning to Alexander; he looked ready to bash her face in. You placed a hand on his upper back and urged him away towards your desks. You both sat down, glad that your presentation was over and done with. But what made your face twist in concern was the panicked, sharp breathing Alexander was doing. It looked like he was about to cry. He quickly walked out of the classroom once the other group readied their presentation. You sat there, knowing Alexander needed space right now. It made you feel awful, but there wasn’t anything you could do at the moment. 

Alexander came back after the second-to-last presentation was over. It looked like he was hit by a train. Without a word, he sat at his desk and reached for his notebook. You were about to ask him if he was okay, but he shook his head. It seemed like he didn’t want to speak right now, and you didn’t blame him. You watched as the last group stood up, recognizing one of the girls in that group: Pia. She was in a different class last year. She had light brown hair and thick purple glasses. Was well known in school for being smart and caring towards everyone; it probably helped that her brother was Felix of all people. You stayed far away from her because of that. 

“Hallo, me and Pia will be doing our presentation on cartoons, more specifically Sailor Moon,” the other girl started off. You perked up at that, excitement peeking into your brain. You liked Sailor Moon, it was something you loved to gush about, even if Alexander never understood what you were talking about. You tried getting him to watch one episode, but he quickly rejected you.

“Isn’t that for girls? No way I’m touching that,” he huffed. 

You rolled your eyes at him once again for being so closed-minded. If there was one thing you didn’t like about him, it was always the fact that once he found out it was a ‘girl thing,’ he wanted nothing to do with it. Sure, sometimes you acted like that too, but you always gave it a try even if you didn't end up liking it. You mentally shook your head at the memory. At least your dad watched it with you when he had free time.

Their presentation was actually pretty fun– they even drew some of the characters in their own style. You asked a few questions, and Pia seemed happy to answer. Once they were done, you quickly scribbled down three new things you learned about the show. 

…

“I liked your title page art, it was really cute,” Pia whispered to you, twisting her body in order to face you. She sat in the desk that was on your right, though you two barely talked for obvious reasons. It put you a little on guard, did she want something from you?

“Thanks! Me and Alexander designed it together,” you smiled, proud of your work despite Annika’s earlier stunt. Pia looked over at Annika with a frown, deciding to say more.

“That whole thing with Annika was messed up… is Alexander okay?” That made your eyes widen, but you were skeptical. Still, you gave her the benefit of the doubt since she did look genuinely frustrated at the other girl. 

“Um, I think he’s a bit better… well, as much better as you can get considering…” you motioned with your hands towards the front of the class, not really knowing how to word it. Plus, you weren’t Alexander, but you get why she wasn’t asking him, he’d probably just ignore her. 

“Yeah, I get what you mean, they’re jerks- especially Felix, who has no reason to be acting the way he does…” She started complaining. You nodded along, intimately aware of the kind of person he was already. Pia just sighed sadly before giving you a small smile.

“But anyway, what I meant to say was I hope Alexander feels better soon, he absolutely didn’t deserve that.”

“Oh, I agree-”

“Ahem…”

You looked over at Alexander, who was giving you a slight frown. It looked like he was doing a bit better now.

“I asked if you could read over my answers for that last presentation…” he said, sliding the paper over to you. You took the paper and read over the responses he gave. They looked fine, you wondered why he even needed you to look them over. Before you could give any praise, he spoke up again. 

“You’re supposed to be my friend…” He huffed. Clearly he was paying attention to the conversation you were having. 

“Um…I am?” You were confused; all you did was talk to Pia, who spoke to you first.

“No, you're not… you’re disloyal…” he retorted before taking his worksheet back. He was shaking his leg and looked to be more upset. You stared at him for a moment, taken aback by his behaviour. Was he really being jealous right now?

“There’s no reason to be jealous, Alexander,” you chided before letting him have his fit by himself as you resumed paying attention to the teacher. Having been distracted, you couldn’t make out what he was speaking about and groaned internally.

… 

“Tschüss,” Alexander mumbled, entering his yard to get to his house. It’s been quiet from both ends. You were avoiding him, which wasn’t a hard feat, as he seemed to be avoiding you also. You guys couldn’t necessarily ignore each other at school, but you made a point to barely talk to him. He seemed to get the memo, since he barely peeped a word to you other than to say Guten Morgen or Tschüss. It was like that again today, pondering his behaviour from a few days ago. 

You watched as he entered his home, Mrs. Andreas greeted him at the door as usual. She spotted you on the sidewalk and gave you a friendly wave, but before she could say anything, you walked off towards your home. It must be nice having a parent greet you as soon as you get home, sadly, that couldn’t be the case with you. Dad got off work at a later time, so it was mostly just you for a couple of hours. You didn’t let it damper your mood, it was Friday– which meant movie night! 

You were looking forward to this week’s movie night (mostly because it was your turn to pick a movie). Your dad made the suggestion, claiming it was a way to bond, even if you guys weren’t actively talking together; as a result, you looked forward to it every week. You cheerily skipped onto your front porch and unlocked your door. You went inside, not noticing the pair of eyes that were glued to your back. 

… 

“Awe, kiddo, why are you now just telling me this?” He asked, concern lacing his tone. You shrugged. Honestly, you thought that you’d both jump back from this. But Alexander never made things easy. 

“Well, I’m sorry to hear that… he said you were disloyal because Pia was talking with you?” He asked, confusion now taking over his expression, before it was replaced by a grimace. Your dad felt for Alexander, he really did, and the two had gotten closer over the past few months. It took him a long while to get comfortable around your dad; it probably helped that he knew a bunch of music that Alexander liked. Plus, once Alexander found out your dad played drums and guitar, the awkwardness melted away. It was very enduring to see. 

Although dad disliked how Alexander tended to handle things, he gave him grace since he was a kid. You guessed your dad could only handle so much of his daughter complaining about the same boy who was supposed to be her friend… You don’t think it helped that the more he got to know Mrs. Andreas, the more uncomfortable he got around Alexander’s family in general. You got the vibe it was mostly from Mr. Andreas. Your dad said he was a troubled man– whatever that meant.

“Yeah… He was jealous about something, but there was nothing to be jealous about! How am I being disloyal? I’ve defended him from his bullies, and I hang out with him basically every day. It's like he’s punishing me for something like…I don't know– Being his friend?” You groaned in frustration and shoved some popcorn in your mouth to calm down. If you had to pick a way to feel about this situation, annoyance was what came to mind first. But you also felt a little sad… sure, Alexander got more frustrated than the average person–but he was your first friend here, and a relatively good one at that (when he didn’t get into the whole gendered items thing or avoidance when things got awkward). He was also fun to hang out with when it was just the two of you… especially when he wasn’t stressed about how to act around others.

Your dad, sensing you wanted to shelve your thoughts on the matter for now, gave you silent support. He wrapped an arm around your shoulders and pulled you into a small hug. You instantly relaxed into it, deciding to let it go for now. Just until you see Alexander again and get it all sorted. You snuggled into your dad’s side more and got comfortable before going back to the movie.  

…

“Ugh, it’s starting to get colder…” You mumbled into your coat as you stepped out onto the front porch. Your legs were practically shivering on the spot. Another winter was coming, which meant it’d been a year and some months since you first moved here. It was strange to think about; it definitely didn’t feel that long since you’d left your home country. You were much happier to be here now, appreciating the house and the culture here. Although learning German wasn’t really going your way. You still struggled with the words, and Alexander often teased you about your pronunciation. It was all in good fun though. You knew you sucked, but he encouraged you to keep it up. 

You groaned thinking about him– he still never explained his behaviour or apologized. It’s been four days now, but it’s not like you ran into him much during the weekends. He was often busy visiting his grandma. You quickly shook any Alexander-related thoughts from your head, wanting to just relax and do whatever. You said to yourself you’d deal with it on Monday. You hopped off the porch and started walking towards the woods, taking the path that was sandwiched between your house and Alexander’s. You didn’t have a destination in mind and let your feet take the lead. 

It was about an hour after your walk around the big park that you were heading home, and you decided to visit the secret playground for its swings. Over your year here, you often frequented this place with Alexander. He liked it because it was away from prying eyes; you liked it because it felt like you were in your own world. It was quiet here, hidden amongst the trees. You planted yourself on a swing, shivering slightly from the cold. You were going to start swinging- but a noise coming from the playground caught your attention. You got up from your spot and walked a little closer. It sounded like muffled crying… but their sniffling gave them away. You crept over to the slide that housed a fake ice cream stand underneath. Near the window, you spotted a head of brown hair.

“Don’t!” They blurted out, instantly you recognized it was Alexander. You stopped short in your tracks, puzzled. 

“But why? You’re crying, are you hurt?” You asked. 

“I’m not crying! Leave me alone!” He shouted. You flinched at the anger in his voice, but you put your foot down. 

“No, Alexander, I'm not leaving until you tell me why you’re crying! You’re clearly upset about something,” you argued. You couldn’t see much of him, besides the top of his head. When you tried to get closer, he yelled at you again. 

“Nein, Stopp! Schau mich nicht an!”

“Fine, I’ll just sit here…” You sighed through your nose before plopping down on the other side of the ice cream stand. You placed your back towards him and looked out into the trees. He continued to silently cry as you sat there, waiting for him to do or say something. 

You weren’t sure how long you sat there hearing Alexander cry; it seemed like a while, considering the cold was slowly seeping into the warmth of your jacket. You brought your hands up and rubbed them together, trying to generate some heat to bring the coldness down. You didn’t even realize in your quest for warmth that Alexander moved. You jumped when you felt him sit beside you and place his head on your shoulder. You could slightly see his face now. His eyes were puffy and red, and tears were still falling, but he was quickly wiping them away. It was progress, a welcomed one at that.

“...What’s wrong?” You asked, seeing if he’ll answer the question this time. 

“…Nothing- I’m fine,” he huffed out, picking at the skin around his nails. 

“Well… clearly something is wrong or else you wouldn’t be crying…” 

“Why do you care? I thought you wanted to broaden your circle and eventually replace me…” He argued. Alexander stared at the trees with a frown on his face, he never once glanced your way. You were growing more confused by the minute, just what was he mulling about since his outburst?

“Huh? When have I ever said something like that? You’re the one acting like you don’t wanna be friends,” you pointed out. 

“That’s not true!-” You flinched again at his harsh tone, and that made him shut his mouth real quick. It looked like he had more to say– but for the sake of not wanting to argue more, he remained quiet. He started fiddling with some rocks, and you took the time to look him over. He never changed much, still with the same short, messy hair and chubby appearance. You did notice a few angry red marks on the back of his hands, those seemed to pop up every now and then…especially when his dad was home. 

“Nothing… nothing seems to be working out for me…” He finally mumbled out. He still didn’t look at you- but he was talking, which you were relieved about. 

“That whole thing with Mr. Fuchs, and last Friday, he lectured me about us being partners again. Felix was saying that I’d be a worthless, lonely loser who will be alone for the rest of my life once you realize that…” He paused to breathe. He was trying to talk clearly since his accent got more pronounced when he’s upset. It didn’t help much though… 

“I did something stupid… I made the mistake of going to my mama… and then… my papa…” He couldn’t bring himself to finish as he started tearing up again. He hiccuped before he started sobbing. He tried wiping the tears, but no matter how fast he was, they just kept coming; it didn’t look like they stop anytime soon. You had a feeling this was weeks of pent up emotions spilling out, and the last two events he listed were the breaking point. You gave him a look of concern before wrapping your arm around his shoulders to give him a side hug. You comfortingly squeezed him– it seemed to work, as he started taking deep breaths after a moment. He calmed down just enough to talk again. 

“Honestly, I think the thing that hurt the most was you avoiding me…” he paused, then took another deep breath before he continued.

“I’m… sorry for what I said, and also for avoiding you… I’m not sure why I…” He sniffled. Alexander finally looked towards you, his cheeks were covered in tear stains, and he had snot running down his nose. His hair was even messier, which was impressive. You gave him a small smile, as you couldn’t help but feel a bit guilty at his earlier confessions.

“It’s fine, just… you know, try not to do it again in the future… I’m also sorry for avoiding you,” You said, “but why were you jealous of Pia?”

“I… I’m not sure, it just kind of bubbled up and I took it out on you, I guess,” He spoke. You felt like he wasn’t telling the full truth…but not wanting to start another fight, you left it alone. It was solved for now, you told yourself. 

“...Can we just sit here for a while?” He asked softly. He looked exhausted from crying, but he seemed more at peace now. You nodded your head, and he brought himself closer, now relaxed in your hold. You placed your head on his, and you both looked up towards the sky. Earlier, it was cloudy, but it cleared up somewhat. Now you could see the sky change into yellows, oranges, and pinks. The sun was setting, you couldn’t see it from where you were sitting, but you two could appreciate the different colours of the changing sky. 

You then got an idea, you took your head away from his, and he looked at you in confusion. Before he could ask, you placed a soft kiss on his forehead. You could see him blank out for a moment before his face turned beet red. He got really shy and quickly turned his head away from your sight.

“Wofür war das?” He asked

“I thought it would make you feel better, you know, when parents kiss your wounds to make it ‘stop hurting’?... Sorry, that was probably really weird…” You started wondering why you even did that.

“No, no, it’s fine… Danke,” He spoke quickly, turning to face you once he composed himself. Something in the air shifted between you two, and you noticed how he looked at you– like really looked at you. It felt vulnerable, like a wish was pouring out of him that he hoped with all his might would come true. Feeling your face heat up, you gave a small cough and averted your eyes. It wasn’t unwelcomed, but it was a bit much, especially after today. You could see from the corner of your eye, Alexander examining your features before finally looking away.

Everything was left unsaid… For now. 

.

.

.

“Could we go over to your house and play Mario Kart?” Alexander inquired, hope in his voice that you would accept. You smiled, quickly getting up before him and making a break for your house.

“Sure, but I’m being first player!” You called out from over your shoulder. Alexander looked stunned as he watched your retreating form. He quickly got up and started chasing after you.

“That’s not fair!” He shouted.

Words: 5,673

Memory Six

Was that Alexander?

Your dad told you to never open the door for anyone, but this was someone you knew. You pondered just leaving them on the porch; a small payback for how Alexander treated you the past month. What does he want from you now? You were curious to know who the other person was, though.

Leaving the window, you walked over to the door and unlocked it to peek your head out. A shiver went down your body as cold air steeped into your house. Yesterday it snowed, but it wasn’t too cold out yet, you could stay and hear them out.

“Hello…?” You spoke, craning your head up in order to look at the woman.

“Hallo, Sorry for dropping by unannounced! I’m Marie, Alexander’s sister,” she introduced herself before giving you a warm smile. You instantly felt at ease with her. When you looked over at Alexander, though, it was a different story. You frowned upon seeing his face; he was only a little healed, as there was still some swelling and bruising on his face.

Just because you helped defend him from Felix and Max doesn’t mean you don’t remember how he dropped you for Annika. 

It seemed to be that Alexander also remembered how he treated you over the past month. He shifted on his feet, chewing the inside of his cheek, and avoided direct eye contact. He looked down at the wood flooring of the porch, looking uncomfortable…but that wasn’t anything new. Although he did look guilty, maybe even remorseful. Marie gave his shoulder a comforting squeeze, urging him to speak.

“Here, I’ll give you two some room… I’ll be at the house, Alexander,” she gave him a pointed look when he was about to protest. Marie waved goodbye before walking over to the familiar blue house. You watched her go before looking over at Alexander. You leaned against the doorway and waited for him to speak. He seemed to be gathering what he wanted to say in his head… and after what felt like hours, he finally spoke up.

“Um… I just wanted to…” There was a sudden change in the air as Alexander pondered for another moment. He shifted slightly, frowning like this was the greatest challenge known to man–whatever that was. He looked over at his house before he mustered up enough courage.

“My sister mentioned that I should apologise for how I’ve acted this past month… and apologise for how I treated you in general… so, um-sorry, for…you know…” His mumbled speech started drifting off. You rolled your eyes at that and crossed your arms defensively. You frowned, and he got the hint that the apology wasn’t adequate enough. He tensed his shoulders and started fidgeting with his jacket sleeve. 

“Gottverdammt…” he whispered under his breath. 

“… I just… I’m glad you helped me instead of just letting me…you know,” You felt he had more to say, but he started to shrink into himself. His voice got more wobbly and lower the longer he talked. You let out a sigh, deciding to have some mercy on him, whether he deserved it or not…only time will tell.

“Humor me then, wait here,” you suddenly spoke up, shutting the door for a moment. You grabbed your boots and coat before slipping them on. Opening the door once you were ready, you walked out onto the porch. Alexander was still waiting for you, confused about what you were planning. You sat down on the front step and patted the spot next to you. He hesitated, but eventually sat down. 

“Let’s just talk, I want to know more about you…other than your favourite colour and season,” you voiced. He seemed taken aback by this, but nodded his head nonetheless. He started bouncing his knee, thinking about a topic to start a conversation.

“How much trouble were you in after the fight?” Alexander asked. 

“I didn’t get into much trouble… just a stern talking to, I was actually getting started on that stupid paper the principal is making us do,” you shrugged. Of course, your dad saved that conversation for this morning when you were feeling better. After that, he made you sit at the kitchen table so you could get writing. Most of it was you staring at a blank piece of paper and remembering how dumb this punishment was. Sure, you could write an essay about why fighting with your classmates was bad, and how you wouldn’t do it again…

But clearly that didn’t work, and the principle couldn’t care less. 

“Hm, this is my first suspension of the year, but last year I had three… he makes us write the same essay. I always submit the same one and haven’t been caught yet,” he snickered lightly. You weren’t surprised and chuckled along with him. Alexander started softly wringing his hands together. You finally noticed the three angry red welts on the back of his hands. They looked recent–a little too recent–and once he noticed you staring at them, he hid his hands in his jacket pockets. He looked uncomfortable now as he stared out into the sky. You decided to just leave him be and started rolling a pebble under your shoe. You looked out into the neighbourhood, and the fresh snow made it look like a winter wonderland. It snowed a lot yesterday, but oddly enough, it wasn’t unbearably cold outside. Despite that, you could see the little puffs of condensation when Alexander breathed out; his nose and cheeks were pink, but he didn’t seem to be chilly. 

“You mentioned before that your favourite season is winter…Why is that?” You asked. He perked up slightly from whatever slump he was in and glanced over at you.

“Wow-You…remembered? Well, I don’t know…” He started fumbling over his words and picked at his nails, but he powered through. 

“I find winter to be very pretty. I like the lights that they put up around town, and I love playing in the snow…plus, my family seems…happier,” he smiled, like he was remembering a fond memory. You smiled along with him, satisfied with that answer. Although you couldn’t help but wonder what his last statement meant…but that was a question for another day. 

“Um–what’s your favourite season?” He asked, he looked a bit flustered from talking your ear off. You smiled more at this; you were making progress. 

“Mm…I guess autumn, since the leaves turn pretty and crunchy. It also gets colder…so I can wear my nice sweaters,” you explained. Alexander gave a shy smile at that, seemingly agreeing with you.

“I think that season is my second favourite…the orange reminds me of my mama’s hair,” he said. You nodded your head in agreement. Mrs. Andrea had a pretty deep shade of orange. It surprised you to find out it wasn’t dyed. Alexander seemed to inherit his dad’s hair, considering it was brown…though you couldn’t really tell, since Mr. Andrea kept his hair shaved. 

“Well, at least I have someone who can appreciate autumn with me,” you chuckled. Another lull in the conversation followed, but the silence wasn’t awkward this time. That gave you some confidence for your second question. 

“Alexander…what–I mean…are we friends?” You finally asked. For a moment, you were about to ask ‘what are we?’ but that sounded too weird. Alexander frowned, looking down at the ground, and you wondered if you said something wrong. But you desperately wanted to know what he thought of you. If it wasn’t friends, then at least you could stop wasting your time… 

Now the silence grew awkward again, and he refused to look at you. You couldn’t tell if the growing pink on his face was from the cold or something else. You started to get more embarrassed by the minute, and as you were about to speak, Alexander whipped his head to look right at you. He squinted his eyes in suspicion, like he was scrutinising you, seeing if you were just another Annika. You could see where he was coming from, but it offended you.

“Really? Alexander, I’m not like Annika, and you know that already… I hung out with you almost every day! Sure, our parents mostly arranged it, but I could have said something if I really didn’t like you. I’ve wanted to be your friend this whole time, and you’ve been…kind of mean…” your emotions were spilling out at this point, years of loneliness bled through; weeks of wanting this friendship to work out, making you desperate to hear an answer to a question you’ve held in for. But also fearing it at the same time. Alexander looked away again, chewing the inside of his cheek.   

“...Okay…sure, we can be…friends,” he seemed hesitant, making you think he actually didn’t want to be friends.

“You sound unsure, I don’t know…it’s fine, this is dumb anyway…" At this point, you were just trying not to feel hurt. Again.

“It’s not that! I just–well…” He hesitated with his words once more, “It will be weird…getting used to you, but…” he took a pause, sighing heavily and furrowing his brow. You were confused–was he not already used to your presence over the months you’ve been here?

“Ugh, okay, all you need to know is that we are friends,” he looked fed up with where this conversation was going. You, on the other hand, felt like a weight had been lifted off your shoulders. You felt excited that you finally gained a friend here. In your excitement, you gave him a hug, wrapping both your arms around him and squeezing. He let out a small squeak, and sadly, you couldn’t see how red his face had gotten.

“Oh! I guess on that note, I do have something to give you…Wait here,” You stood up from your spot and quickly went inside. Rushing upstairs and into your room, you went to your desk where you stored the orange, leather-bound journal. Once it was secured in your hands, you rushed back outside. Alexander was staring out towards the woods, but turned to face you once he heard you approach. You presented the journal to him, and he stared at you, unsure before he realized you were giving it to him. Alexander gingerly took it from your hands, and you watched as he examined the journal while you sat down. He was inspecting the pages, feeling the quality of the paper in between his fingers. 

“This looks expensive…” He mumbled.

“It really wasn’t…” A lie, but whatever, “I wanted to replace the one that Felix ripped up…” You explained. He stared down at the notebook, rubbing the notebook’s cover with his thumb. You looked over at his face and could see tears well up in his eyes. He clutched the notebook tightly towards himself before standing up abruptly.

“Danke für- yeah… tschüss!” He sputtered out as he dashed towards your front gate. You watched him take off towards the secret park. You sat there, stunned, wondering if you did something wrong. With a sigh, you stood up and headed back inside to finish your essay. 

… 

You were sitting down on the couch. You had finished with your essay an hour after your dad came home. Once he read it over, he allowed you to watch a movie, since nothing else needed to be done today. You relaxed into the couch more, content with forgetting Alexander’s weird action earlier. You tried not to dwell on it, considering he didn’t look mad, just… really touched? Scared? Alexander was a confusing boy to understand. You looked towards the doorway, watching as your dad entered the room and plopped himself down on the other end of the couch. 

“Looks like someone left you a note, kiddo,” Your dad held out a small, folded-up piece of paper. You took it from him, pausing your movie before unfolding it. There were little scribbles all over the paper before you spotted a small message in the corner: 

Sorry for just running off, I’m not mad at you.

It was signed by Alexander, followed by a small crown. You smiled at that before placing the note on the coffee table. You resumed your movie, much happier than before. 

. . . . 

It’s been a week, and you were finally back in school. Unfortunately, that meant you missed a whole bunch of material, prompting you and Alexander to stay late at the school library to catch up on missed assignments. Since it was getting dark early now, thanks to winter, Marie has been picking you guys up. Along with her boyfriend, Joseph, who was such a delight to be around (you were being sarcastic; you didn’t like the guy). Even Alexander didn’t like Joseph, though Alexander generally didn’t like anyone. It was made even worse when Joseph started teasing the two of you.

“You know a boy and a girl can’t be friends.”

“No boy is sweet on a girl unless he likes her.”

“Look how red his face is! You just know he likes her, I can see the wedding bells-”

“Joseph, stop, seriously,” Marie always cut him off before he took it too far. 

But it started rubbing off on her, not long after she began teasing Alexander about it. Though you guessed she had a reason to, since they were siblings…wasn’t that normal sibling behaviour? You didn’t know since you were an only child. But you didn't know why Joseph was hung up on this. Alexander never exhibited any feelings towards you besides friendship. You knew how he acted when he did like someone like that. It was quite cute and, sure, sometimes you did wish he had feelings for you, but you pushed those thoughts aside. You were sure he’d never see you as anything other than a friend, and that was fine. 

“Because he is an idiot who is…what's the saying?...blowing hot air,” was all Alexander replied, like it was obvious. 

“Alright, point taken, still doesn’t make it any less uncomfortable…” You mumbled. The two of you were waiting on the play structure at school. Sitting side by side on the first platform near the monkey bars. The sun was low on the horizon, and it was starting to get colder. It wasn’t unbearable, but you wanted to go home; you’ve stayed at school long enough. 

“Hey, how come you’ve never mentioned your sister before?” Before last week, you never actually knew that Alexander had an older sister. Neither him or his mom brought her up during your time here. She looked a lot like their mom (Alexander did too, besides his nose and hair colour).

“I don’t know…I didn’t think it was that important…” He gave you a nonchalant shrug. 

“Not important…?” You spoke with disbelief, that was a little cold.

“I mean…She is busy with school? Marie only visits when mama begs her to come over…”

“Oh,” You were a little puzzled by that predicament. He just shrugged again, clearly not caring about the choice of topic. 

“How come your mom has to beg her own daughter-” You were cut off by a very obnoxious voice calling out:

“Kiss her!” Both you and Alexander tensed at the voice.

“Joseph really? This again?” You heard Marie speak. 

“Aw, come on, Marie, look at them–so close they could hold hands,” Joseph teased. That got Alexander to scoot away from you. You could see his face starting to turn red as he looked down at his hand. Shifting in his spot every so often, it made you frown. You hated seeing him go from relaxed to uncomfortable in a matter of minutes from people like Joseph. 

“Could you stop? You’re making everyone uncomfortable,” You said, finally putting your foot down. 

“Fine, fine, I will… until one of you kisses the other,” he teasingly sang out. Motioning to Marie to stand on the other side of the platform, which she did. Now, both teens were walling you in. Both you and Alexander stood up, alarmed by their behaviour. You tried walking off, but Joseph blocked your way and continued to do so when you tried the other side. 

Can’t have one normal day can you?

“Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!” Joseph started chanting. You felt frozen in place, and Alexander didn’t look any better. In fact, it looked like he was about to punch the other boy. It didn’t help once Marie started joining in on the chanting. Which made Alexander even angrier and red-faced. 

Kiss!

Kiss!

Kiss!

Kiss!

Kiss-

The sound was only broken up once Alexander had enough and swung at Joseph. His fist connected with Joseph’s left eye, which made him yelp and stumble back. 

“Alexander!” Marie shouted and ran over to her boyfriend, who was doubled over and clutching his eye. 

“Why the hell did you do that!?” She bristled, comforting Joseph while glaring at Alexander, who was also giving the both of them a nasty glare of his own. 

“Warum? Warum!? Ihr zwei seid Arschlöcher!” Alexander shouted back before taking your hand and running away from the two. Both of you didn’t stop until you were far enough away from Marie and Joseph. Alexander didn’t let go of your hand, even when you two were now in front of your house. 

“Hey, are you okay?” You asked, that whole situation was intense, and now you felt like you could breathe again. Alexander must have felt the same way, considering he looked much more at ease. 

“Um, yeah I am…my hand hurts though…” He mumbled, looking down at the offending hand to see it turned red. That punch would surely leave a bruise, but it didn’t look broken…then again, you didn’t know what to look for if it was broken. But Alexander wasn’t crying out in pain, so you assumed he was okay. That’s when he finally noticed he was still holding your hand, and quickly pulled away. Seeing him wipe his hand on his pants made you a bit offended, but you ignored it. 

“And just so you know… I would never like you like that,” he went on, making sure you knew where you stood, though he couldn’t seem to look you in the eyes. 

“Yeah? Well, same goes to you Alexander-” you shot back but was cut off by him.

“What?” If he was trying to hide his disappointment, he was doing a bad job. You tilted your head, confused on where this was going. 

“I thought we were… I don’t know, just mentioning where we stood to each other?”

“Well… ja, du musst deswegen nicht gemein sein…” he mumbled, earning a scoff from you. But, honestly, you wanted to laugh at how ridiculous this was. So you did; one slip of giggles led into two, and before you knew it, you were full-blown laughing. Alexander stood there, stunned at the sudden joyous sound coming from you.

You laughed at him, at yourself, at the whole situation, even the first half of the school year was something to laugh at. Honestly, it’s a wonder you didn’t pack up your things and move back to Canada to live with your uncle. But you guessed it had more to do with staying by your dad than anything else. 

Plus, you could add Alexander to the equation now that you two are friends. You couldn’t just leave him alone after everything you two went through. 

“Why are you laughing? What’s funny?” Alexander was weirded out, wondering what he should do. You continued laughing some more before it died down. By the end, you felt better…surprisingly. 

“I don’t know, I’m just glad we’re friends,” you beamed, too lazy to explain your thought process to him. You gave Alexander a side hug, which made him squeak in surprise. You made sure to squeeze a little tighter before letting go. His face had gone a light shade of pink as usual. 

“Well, goodnight, Alex!” You patted him on the back and proceeded to walk up to your house. Alexander was about to start walking over to his house, but turned to stare at your retreating form instead. 

“Träum was Schönes, Rotkäppchen.”

Words: 3,444

Memory Five

“How pathetic!”

“What a loser!”

“He needs a girl to help fight his battles!”

That’s just some of the stuff you’d hear…and you couldn’t help but wonder what they were saying in your absence. It hurt your heart knowing that it was partly your fault for getting him into that mess. You just didn’t know how to fix it. There were two of them: Felix and Max, although a third had joined their group. A girl named Annika, whom you couldn’t get a read on.

It didn’t help that you were now a target of their obnoxious insults.

They didn’t physically harm you; they knew to keep their distance. The two didn't pick on you as much as Alexander either… but there were plenty of times they did whenever you were in the halls or playground. While you tended to ignore it, you didn't get why they kept it up. Was sticking up for Alexander really that punishable of a crime? Or was it because you threw Felix’s lines right back at him? You’ll probably never know…

It started to affect you, you’d wake in the mornings and dread what the day would bring. It’s no wonder Alexander was tense on the morning walks to school. You understood now. Your dad was none too pleased once he caught wind of the situation. Having walked in on you crying about it (Felix could come up with some scathing comments if he was feeling a particular way that day). To say he was furious would be an understatement. Going as far as to complain to the school, but the principal only said:

“We’ll look into it, boys will be boys.”

You never saw such scorn come from your dad until that day. Of course, they never did look into it. You and Alexander still faced the brunt of Felix and Max’s attacks. 

Things with Alexander, on the other hand, slowly improved with time. You say that loosely, since it took a month for him to start ‘hanging out’ with you again. You guys were back to that awkward phase in your relationship where your parents forced you two to hang out. He was still as quiet and fidgety as ever when you were around. But being at school was a whole different story. He continued to stick to you like glue and only spoke a few words whenever you tried to make conversation. You attempted to bring up your fight on the first day of school, but he just glared at you… You didn’t bring it up again, fearing you would be brought back to square one. 

Oddly enough, over the last couple of weeks, he started warming up to you…if him playing in your room with your Calico Critters counted as that. Granted, you had to persuade him with the promise of playing knights with him after (you didn’t mind all too much). You also had to play as the rest of the characters (mom, son, daughter). It was funny watching him act as the ‘dad’ with the little dog figure. Taking it somewhat seriously, providing and taking care of this fake family. Although Alexander was stiff when interacting with the kids, he avoided them whenever he could. 

…

Annika had become a popular girl in your grade, mostly with the boys for being pretty. You were sure half of them in your class had a crush on her. It was surprising when you realized Alexander was also a part of that group. 

He was still as a statue, staring at the back of Annika’s head. It looked like he was trying to memorize the details of her brown hair. Annika sat two rows in front of you, so it wasn’t likely she'd catch him anytime soon. You honestly just wanted to elbow him for his lack of subtlety. 

It was kind of a shame she hung around Felix and Max. Giving her the benefit of the doubt,  from what you saw around school, she seemed like a cool person to hang out with. Although that statement did conflict with a feeling you had about her. Your gut was telling you she wasn’t a nice person underneath. Which you knew wasn’t fair. You did notice over the last few weeks that she was giving Alexander a look. What that look was, you didn’t know…Maybe she had feelings for him? 

“You totally have a crush on Annika,” You whispered as you elbowed his side excitedly. You wanted to remain positive, for Alexander’s sake. Hoping the weird feeling about her was just that: a feeling. You could see his brow pinch and nose wrinkle. Huffing at your observation and hating that you got it right. He didn’t like the idea of having a crush, ‘that’s a girl thing.’ You rolled your eyes at his ridiculousness.

“I do not…”

“Do to!”

“Do not!”

“Do to!”

“Miss Medicine Rope! Do you have something to share with the class?” Ms. Fink suddenly interrupted. You froze in your seat as you saw her raise an eyebrow at you. Embarrassed, you pursed your lips and shook your head. She looked exasperated before continuing with the field trip rules. It was the standard, no wandering by yourself and staying with the group type spiel. Which gave you an idea… 

“You should ask her to be your buddy for the field trip,” you suggested.

“No… I can’t do that…” He whispered, just thinking about it seemed to terrify him. He looked down at his lap and balled his hands into fists. You couldn’t blame him for that reaction, from what you gathered, Alexander had…a sweaty hand problem… No one wanted to be his partner when it came to field trips. It was sad. During your first field trip with him, he was so embarrassed that he only held onto your sleeve. You told him it was okay to hold your hand if he wanted–that you didn’t mind. But he refused, and you left it at that. 

“Well… What if I ask for you? It doesn't hurt to try,” you encouraged. You were trying to make up for the journal incident in your own way. You still felt awful about it, so you hoped this went well. Maybe then Alexander would like you more and would stop being so awkward around you. He shook his head at the suggestion, and you already knew what he was going to say. 

“Come on, you never know…” You coaxed again. You could see his resolve break, and he let out a heavy sigh.

“Yay! You won’t regret it!” You beamed at him. When it came time to start partnering up, you marched over to Annika. Grabbing her attention, you gave her a friendly smile and a small wave.

“Um, my friend was wondering if you wanted to pair up with him for the field trip?” You asked, hoping she would say yes. Though like a magnet, Max zoomed over to cause trouble for you. 

“Can’t handle Alexander’s slimy hands anymore?” He mocked. You frowned, giving the boy a glare. He seemed to be putting something together in his head before he burst out laughing. 

“Wait, wait, wait- are you asking Annika to be Alexander’s partner? There’s no way she’d pick him-” he was cut off when Annika kicked him in the shin. He yelped and gave her a glare. Annika just ignored Max and smiled at you, nodding her head.

“Sure! I’d love to, I was actually going to ask him. But looks like he beat me to it,” she giggled. Annika walked over to Alexander, who was staring at her. A flicker of surprise fell on his face before it softened with affection. He couldn’t believe this was real. You gave him a thumbs up, smiling when he shakily took her hand. You heard Max snicker as he walked off, but you chose to ignore it. You were just glad that Alexander was happy. 

… 

This was a lot harder than you initially planned. Sure, seeing them together was great, but that was also a problem…

They were always hanging out during school. Leaving you to scrabble to find someone else to partner up with or just hang out with. Even at home, you couldn’t escape her. Alexander loved bringing her up whenever he could. As sweet as it was the first time, it was getting annoying. The constant ‘I can’t wait to see Annika again tomorrow,’ ‘I hope she actually likes me,’ and ‘Annika is so awesome and great and pretty and I hope we get married in the future blah blah blah blah…’ 

Well, the last one was grossly exaggerated, but it was on par with what he normally said about her. You once joked (not really) that he was like a girl you once knew, one who had a massive crush on a boy and wouldn’t stop gushing about him. To make matters worse, you started teasing him by saying: 

“Oh, Alexy pooh take me away from the evil Felix and Max! Save me, Ser Alexander!” In your best Annika impression. He didn’t like that one bit and went quiet for the rest of the evening. Your dad later spoke to you about it, telling you to ease up on the teasing. 

You tried not to let it get to you, seeing as you only knew him for three months. It’s not like you guys were exactly best friends. Still though, sometimes seeing them together felt awkward, and you couldn’t help but cringe. Annika sure was laying it on thick with the compliments and affection (well, as much affection as a 12-year-old could come up with). The most they did during breaks was sit on the bench and converse. Then came the occasional hand-holding and hug. It’s been going on for three weeks now. 

Three weeks of her skipping over towards your shared desk to invite him to lunch.

Three weeks of her ‘borrowing’ (her words not yours) Alexander at break and watching them hang out until it was over.

Three weeks of her and her little notes that always seem to be saying the same thing, just worded differently. Something along the lines of finding him cute and fun to be around and how she can’t wait to see him tomorrow! 

Maybe you just weren’t cut out for this… 

“Ugh, this is so stupid!” You shouted, throwing one of your stuffies at the wall. You were contemplating the last three weeks in your room. Did you feel silly talking to yourself? Yes, absolutely, but it did help…and it wasn’t your first time having a whole conversation by yourself. You did it a lot back in Canada to help with whatever problem you were having at the time. 

“It’s not fair! What took me three months to get him to warm up a little, she did in three weeks–Three weeks! And sure, maybe it helped that he actually liked her, but I thought we were getting somewhere… Why do I even try?” It was at this point you realised that this might be a lost cause. If they ever defined their relationship, you weren’t sure if you’d be relevant to him anymore. It was easy tossing you aside for Annika, whether he realised it or not. 

So, you made the decision to keep your distance. Going back to being the lonely girl with no friends.

It was easy distancing yourself; you're pretty sure Alexander hardly noticed. It’s been about a week now. You still talked to him when prompted, walking to and from school with him, but you never went beyond that. 

You sighed, sitting down on one of the benches during break, and took out your book. Nothing like fighting the loneliness away with a good read. Though you didn’t get very far–someone was walking over to you. 

“Look,” it was Alexander, who very rudely shoved a paper in your face. Your lips pressed into a thin line before you took it from him to have a better look. 

‘Meet me at the field after school, I have something to confess! <3 Annika.’ 

You raise your eyebrows in surprise. Wow, she was really going to do it? That was good, for Alexander’s sake. 

“Does this mean I should leave without you?” You asked.

“What? No, it’s probably going to be a few minutes at most,” He replied. Alexander was practically beaming- shimmying around on the spot, he looked like he was on cloud nine. It warmed your heart seeing him so happy.  

“Alright Romeo, but if you’re more than ten minutes, I’m leaving.”

… 

Deciding to be a good neighbour, you waited a little longer once ten minutes passed. But that quickly became twenty…which turned into thirty…

Something didn’t feel right.

Before you could start rationalizing it away, your feet were already taking you to the field. Every step you took towards the back of the school filled you with dread. 

“It’s probably nothing… Maybe they’re really hugging it out…” 

But you guessed “hugging it out” didn’t involve two extra people. There in the distance were four people, in the middle of the field. You squinted your eyes and saw they were moving around in what looked like a scuffle. One person was on the ground, pinned down by another, while the rest stood around. You quickly realized what was happening and picked up your pace. Their backs were turned to you; it didn’t seem like they were paying attention to their surroundings. 

“Loser actually thought Annika liked him,” you heard Felix sneer once you got closer to the group. Said girl was watching, checking out her nails without a care in the world. Felix pushed Alexander’s face into the ground, making him yelp in pain. Alexander looked awful; he was covered in dirt and grass stains. His nose was bleeding, he even had a few scratches on his face and arms, and his right eye was starting to bruise. Felix and Max didn’t have many injuries, just a few scuffs and dirt stains.

“And all for forty schillings… I should have held out longer,” She mumbled.

“Then you would’ve had to make it official. Could you even subject yourself to that?” Max snickered. She seemed to hesitate, a frown flickered on her face, but was quickly replaced with a winkle of her nose. 

“Gross–no, you try holding his hand for five seconds without gagging at how much it sweats…” She cringed. 

At that, it looked like Felix was about to throw another punch-

“Let him go!” You finally shouted. All four kids turned to look at you, surprise on their faces…before reality set in that it was just you. 

“Look who's here, Alexander, loser two has come to save you again!” Felix’s look of mock happiness turned into a glare once his eyes fell on you. You froze on the spot, starting to see that you put yourself in a bad position. You’ve never fought someone before. Could you even fight? You looked to your right and saw Max coming closer to you, like he was about to grab you. But he just placed himself between you and Felix. Annika began backing away towards the end of the field. 

Screw it! You were already in this mess, and you couldn’t force yourself to walk away. Not when Alexander needed your help, you don’t think you could live with yourself if you did. 

“Just walk away, this doesn’t even concern-” Max didn’t get to finish his sentence before you shoved him. He tumbled backwards, falling onto Felix, who couldn’t move away in time. Both of them fell backwards, leaving Alexander scrambling to be freed from Felix’s hold. Wasting no time, you rushed over to him, taking him by the arm and pulling him away from the scene. Alexander clutched his face in pain as he wobbled on his feet. You tried helping him walk, but he was too shaky to get very far. 

Luck wasn’t on your side as you heard Max growl in frustration. He got up and charged over to you, taking you by the collar of your shirt and forcing you to turn and face him. He reeled his fist back before punching you in the face. Pain bloomed in your cheek, a stinging pain. Your vision doubled as you began to taste copper in your mouth. Stumbling backwards, you held your cheek to try to soothe the pain, while also fighting back tears.

I’m bleeding you think to yourself. The force of the punch made your head throb and your teeth ache.

Max was zeroing in on you again, grumbling something about how weak girls are and that you should have just left. It gave Alexander enough time to gather his bearings and  punch him in the stomach.

You don’t remember much after that.

All you do remember was that after Alexander punched Max, he set his sights on Felix and they started fighting again (with Alexander basically giving it his all–it paid off). You both fought back like hell, since now the fight was an even two-on-two. You managed to get Max back by punching him straight in the nose and kicking him in the crotch. You did feel some sort of sick satisfaction from that, but right now, you were in pain. 

“It was so traumatizing… I yelled at them to stop but Alexander and her just kept punching them, all this because I rejected him… he’s been creeping on me all month!” Annika sobbed out. She was playing the part well, you had to admit. Throwing you and Alexander under the bus by claiming he was raging after she rejected his advances. So, Felix and Max tried stepping in to help. You rolled your eyes, wondering if anyone was believing her blatant lie. 

You and Alexander were sitting right outside the principal's office. The parents all ended up getting a call after Annika had run off to grab a teacher. The look of horror on the teacher’s face made you all freeze in place, before they yelled at everyone to get off each other. The teacher who reported the incident recalled the events as: A ball of beaten-up and bloody kids.

Alexander was sitting right next to you. There wasn't even any space between you two like there normally was. He was breathing heavily, exhausted, and in pain. You both were pretty beaten up; scratches, bruises, and blood littered your bodies. Your cheek was swelling along with Alexander’s eye. Tissue was shoved up his nostrils while you were holding an icepack to your cheek. From the brief glance you got of Max and Felix, they weren't any better either, good. You hoped they would leave you alone now…but you knew deep down this was not the last of it.

“You should have both kids expelled!” You heard Felix’s mother screech at the principal. Alexander winced at the noise volume. 

“No one is getting expelled… technically, your boy started it first,” You heard the principal reply. They managed to grab two witnesses that were watching from afar; although their account conflicted with Annika’s, they couldn’t speak on whether Alexander was or was not being creepy towards her. 

“My Felix would never!” She yelled again, acting like a toddler having a tantrum. In all this commotion, you didn’t notice Alexander resting his head on your shoulder until he was really leaning on you. He scooted closer, basically using you as a resting post as he closed his eyes. You felt your face heat up, but felt a bit conflicted about the whole ordeal. You decided to listen to the rest of the parents' conversation to distract yourself.

“Look, we’ll give them all a suspension for this, and I’ll make them write an essay on why fighting is bad–it's the best I can do.”

“Bullshit!… I fucking told you that Felix kid and his low-life friend were a problem to my daughter, especially her friend, but you didn’t listen! This school is a goddamn joke!” You heard your dad rant. The principal couldn't get a word in since your dad left the room, slamming the door on his way out. It made Alexander straighten up instantly, and his warmth was gone. Dad paused in front of the door and turned to look at you and Alexander. You could tell he wasn't impressed by your behaviour, even if you had good intentions. He couldn't stay disappointed at you for long; the state you two were in broke his heart. 

“Come on, let's go,” he spoke softly. You started following your dad out of the secretary's office, looking back to see Alexander with his mom. From the looks of it, she was really giving him hell–holding him by the ear while he helplessly stood there. But his eyes weren’t on his mom…they were on you. That made you pause, and you saw his cheeks turn a light shade of pink before he looked away. 

“Are you even listening to me, Alexander? Your father will be hearing about this once he comes home!” His mother hissed through her teeth. His bottom lip quivered before he quickly bit the inside of his cheek. You frowned, but needed to catch up with your dad. 

When you were out of the building, the light shining from the sun made you feel light-headed. Your dad gave you a worried glance before guiding you to the car.

You could already hear the lecture your dad was going to subject you to once you got home.

Words: 3,702

Memory Four

You envied yourself then, not having to feel the rapid anxiousness that jumped in your chest now. It made you somewhat annoyed at your dad, since he was way more excited than you were. With the last of the papers and pencils in your bag, he zipped it up and took it off the counter. He tested the weight to make sure it wasn’t too heavy before slipping the bag onto your shoulders. 

“Kiddo, I teach English for a living–so, unless you want to live off English lessons for the rest of your life… then I think going to school will help you out. Besides, you’re gonna be fine, I promise.” He bent down to your level and held onto your shoulders. He gave a firm, comforting squeeze before booping your nose. You huffed in annoyance, swatting his hand away. He just chuckled and stood to his full height again. Your dad started gently guiding you towards the door.

“Besides, Alexander is taking you to school. It’d be rude to keep him waiting.” You frowned at the mention of Alexander. 

He was… okay… and you hated to admit he was cute.

Although that didn’t excuse his behavior towards you during your last days of summer vacation… 

You and Alexander were having your parent-sanctioned hangout in his room. The door left open, of course, Mrs. Andreas fussed. It wasn’t hard watching the two of you ‘play’- it was a one-story house, after all. You remembered when you first visited, you thought you entered an antique shop. All their furniture and decor seemed old by today's standards but pretty in their own right. The only modern stuff was in Alexander’s room. That was besides the point, though you were trying to get Alexander to open up. 

Trying to get him to talk was like pulling teeth. You wanted to get to know him better, but you ran into a problem. 

He didn’t seem to know English very well… You, on the other hand, only knew ‘hallo’, ‘danke’, ‘bitte’, ‘entschuldigung’, ‘ja’, and ‘nein.’ So communication was very limited between the two of you. You, however, were determined to make it work even if he was reluctant. You spoke slowly, like that would get him to understand.  

“Do… you like to write?”

“Hä?” 

“Writing?” You mimicked writing with your hands before pointing to the stack of notebooks on his desk. 

“Das geht dich nichts an…” was all he said, his frown deepening if that was even possible. You just sighed…and wondered if you should try again, before Alexander’s mom made her way over. 

“What are you two getting up to?” She probed. Tilting her head at the scene before her. You two were sitting on the floor across the room from each other. He insisted on it when you went to sit near him, as he pointed to the floor closer to his bed. 

“Oh, just talking?” You answered, seeing as Alexander was picking at his nails.

“How delightful! Alexander’s English has come a long way, I'm glad he has someone to practice on.” Her tone was cheery, but the mood suddenly shifted.

“What!?” you exclaimed. Feeling betrayed that he did, in fact, know English. Then the embarrassment came.

All that gesturing, pointing, and talking slowly…

He knew what you were saying all along!

You looked over at the boy, anger and embarrassment written all over your face. Alexander looked like he wanted the ground to swallow him whole. He wouldn’t look you in the eyes; the shame was apparent, but also the slight anger at being outed. Mrs. Andreas’ face fell into concern once she sensed something was wrong. But before she could say something to try and rectify the situation, you were already moving past her to leave. 

“Young man, what did you do?” Mrs. Andreas sounded exasperated.

“I… I was going to tell her… sooner or later, please don’t tell papa…” was all you heard before closing their front door. 

You remembered the day after that whole debacle, he knocked on your door. His mom was in tow as she nudged him forward. He scowled at her for only a moment before she gave him a pointed look. With a regretful sigh, he finally looked at you. Well… more like around you, but you got the point. 

And he gave you a small apology for the other day. 

Your relationship with him after that was… strange to say the least. He still barely spoke to you, and when he did, it was with rather curt replies. He fidgeted more when you were around, opting to just watch you play on the playground. You don't even know what to call your relationship, friends? acquaintances? Kids whose parents force them to hang out? He always looked like he died a little on the inside, and would rather be anywhere else than around you.

“Dad, I don’t think Alexander likes me very much…” You admitted.

“Did you ever ask him? I mean, I know he lied to you about not understanding English…That wasn’t a great start. Would you rather we stop with the hangouts and such?” 

“No…” Maybe it was just stubbornness, mere curiosity, or just plain loneliness that was talking– but you did want to be friends. You wanted friends, and sure, maybe someone who wasn’t so guarded would come along one day, but… 

There was something about Alexander that drew you to him, although you couldn’t really place your finger on why.

“Alright kiddo, time to get out there and show this school what you’re made of.. Ah, wait, before you go,” He gave you a big hug. Holding you tighter at the last second, before giving you a quick kiss on the forehead. You felt a little lighter now as he stood to his height again and opened the door. 

“Have a good day! Make sure to tell me all about it once it’s over! Love you!” Dad called out while you made your way over to Alexander’s house. It was the blue one next to yours, and looking at his yard…you could tell Mrs. Andreas liked decorating the space. Alexander’s house was pretty, and was similar to yours. Although they didn’t have a small balcony as you did–what they did have was a nicer front porch.

Speaking of Alexander’s porch, you could see him trying to get his foot out the door; his mom was making it difficult. She was pinching his cheeks and kissing his face, gushing about how her baby boy was growing up too fast. His face was red when he noticed you standing there. He scowled at his mom before she finally relented.

“Oh! Let me get a picture with you and your friend! First days only come once, you know?” She smiled at both of you before getting her camera. Alexander groaned, his protests going unheard before defeatingly walking over to you. You gave him a reassuring smile, but that didn't seem to help.

“Okay, say cheese!” His mom pointed a disposable camera at you two. You stood awkwardly side by side, a good two feet apart from each other. You smiled and held up a small peace sign. Alexander humoured his mom and smiled at the camera. That was a bit of a shock to you; you’ve never actually seen him smile… not in front of you anyway. His smile was cute, very boyish since he was missing a tooth. The way it made his cheeks scrunch up towards his eyes made you want to squish them. Plus, you swore you saw a dimple. 

The camera flashed a few times before she seemed satisfied with the photos she took. Alexander immediately went back to his frown once everything was done. 

“Schönen Tag noch! Ich liebe dich, Alexander,” his mom waved both of you off. Alexander mumbled out a quick ‘Ich liebe dich’ back to his mom before he started walking. You quickly followed behind him, ambling along and looking at the sights. You only stayed on your block and the hidden playground; this was uncharted territory in your eyes, and you were loving it. Cars rolled past you two on your right while more houses occupied the left. You looked over at Alexander…his mom seemed to dress him up nicely. He was wearing a simple pair of cargo shorts and a tucked-in, short-sleeved dress shirt.

“Sooo… what's school here like?” You piped up, playing with one of the strings of your backpack. Trying and failing to soothe your nerves as you saw the school building approaching nearer. 

“I don't know… the same like every other school,” he mumbled. 

“Okay, but….like, how is it? How are the teachers? Kids? Do we share the same class?” You started your rapid-fire questions. He gripped his backpack straps tighter.

“...They're fine… and I don't know if we have the same class,” he grumbled. You noticed he hesitated answering your first two questions. It seemed like he wasn't willing to answer more as he picked up speed to walk in front of you. You just let him be grumpy for the rest of the walk.

… 

You and Alexander were in the gym. A large stage was near the front, and all the students were gathered here by the teachers and sat in rows facing the stage. They were giving a standard welcome-back speech, which was quite boring. You looked over to Alexander, who sadly wasn't placed near you; he sat a few rows up and looked very uncomfortable. 

“Now the teachers will be calling their students. I suggest you all pay attention so you aren’t left behind,” the principal said. You perked up and quietly listened to the names being called. Finally, the seventh-grade teacher came up on stage and started listing off names. You heard Alexander’s name called- then yours, you beamed. At least you knew one person… and Alexander seemed to relax more when your name was called–though quickly tensed up again when two boys’ names were called.

The classroom was nice; this school definitely had money from what you’ve seen. It was quite cozy, and the teacher seemed to be embracing the fall theme. There were two desks side by side that lined up in rows. There was a corner of the room on the left side that looked like a reading corner– it even had a small shelf for books. Then there were the fall-themed decorations that littered the chalkboard, walls, and even windows. You went to the cubbies that were on the wall near the door. You decided on one of the last ones near the teacher’s desk.

 Alexander walked over to you and put his stuff in the cubby you picked. 

“We’ve got to share anyway…” He mumbled before waiting for your next move. He already had his books and pencil case in hand. His behaviour at the moment gave you pause…this morning, you were pretty sure he didn’t like you. But here he was, practically glued to you. 

Quickly taking the supplies you needed, the teacher started urging students to pick a desk. Claiming that it’ll be the one you sit in for the rest of the year. Alexander was tripping over your heels, making sure you two got a desk together. Once all the seating was taken, he seemed to relax more. You noticed he was glancing at one boy in particular, who was across the room from you. In his excitement (you assumed, since he wasn’t really smiling), he spread his school supplies all over his desk in a chaotic mess. You made a face at that but didn’t question him.

“Now that we are all settled, let’s go around the room and introduce ourselves! We have a few new students in school, so let’s all share one fact about ourselves after we say our names,” the teacher smiled at the class. She went first, introducing herself as Mrs. Fink, and said she liked hiking around the trails. From there, the class started introducing themselves one by one. You always disliked icebreakers…it was always so awkward. You took a deep breath, repeating what you wanted to say in your head. You weren’t entirely paying attention to the others' introductions and glanced over at Alexander; the same could be said about him. He was writing down what he was going to say, his hands looked sweaty while he  balled his hands into fists, relaxed them, then balled them into fists again. It really looked like he wanted to hop out of his seat and start running for the hills. 

The dreaded time came for Alexander when the teacher motioned him to introduce himself. You noticed how some kids snickered and pointed when the teacher wasn’t looking. He stood up before quickly speaking.

“My name is Alexander… I… my… uh…” He quickly took a glance at his note before proceeding. “My favourite colour is orange,” he fumbled his way through, eyes kept on his notebook. 

Once he was done, he quickly sat down and started doodling, probably to distract himself. One kid behind you whispered how generic that was, and Alexander caved in on himself more to appear smaller. You frowned, glaring at the kid behind you before it was your turn. You said your name and spoke about how you just moved here in the summer, you fumbled over your words a bit… and your face heated up the longer you spoke. You sat back down, just glad that was over with, then quickly distracted yourself with the next kid’s introduction.

… 

Lunch quickly approached. Everyone was able to eat in their respective friend groups. Only a few kids were left to eat alone, and that included you and Alexander. Well, you wouldn’t say you were eating alone, Alexander was still sitting next to you…but he wasn’t talking to you. You looked over to see what had him so preoccupied–he was writing in a well-loved journal. Judging from what you could see, he was writing a scene about a princess who got saved from an evil wizard and their sidekick. Before you could read more, a boy stood in front of Alexander’s desk and snatched the journal from him.

“So, what stupid story are you writing now?” The boy spoke in a mocking tone, being rough with the book in a way that would definitely rip the pages if the boy really wanted to. Alexander stood up and tried snatching the notebook back, but the other boy just held it further away. 

“Give it back!” Alexander tried sounding firm, but it fell flat; his voice too nervous and squeaky. 

“I don’t understand why you bother writing these things… It's lame. What princess would want you to save them? You’d be the ugly, fat troll keeping her hostage with how you look. No princess would want some loser saving them,” some of the kids started laughing, and Alexander looked down at his shoes. He was gripping onto his pants so tightly that his knuckles were turning white. 

You think you were the only one who was horrified at this behaviour. With a scowl on your face, you stood up from your desk. Marching over to who you remember to be Felix, and snatching the journal from his hands. The room went silent, some of the kids looked shocked. 

Where did the teacher go?

“Leave him alone! What gives you-” You jabbed Felix on his shoulder to emphasise your point, “The right to insult him like that when you’re the ugly fat troll?” You shot back. Felix stared at you for a moment before scowling. 

“I don’t remember asking for your opinion,” He stared at you, making himself look bigger to look down at you. You stood your ground, not scared of him in the slightest. Just looking at his face was making your blood boil. 

“And I don’t remember inviting a douche bag to join us,” you sneered, setting Felix off as he snatched the journal from you and began ripping pages from it. Alexander watched in despair as all his hard work was shredded in a fit of rage. Once he was done, he threw the book onto the pile of shredded paper.

“Maybe next time watch your mouth, idiot,” Felix walked away, shoving his shoulder into yours hard as he passed. You stared at the shredded pieces then looked over at Alexander, who was staring down at the mess. He bent down and started cleaning the pile off the ground. You began helping him, feeling awful that you couldn’t help in the way you hoped. You just swallowed your shame and gathered what was left of the pages, neatly setting them down on Alexander’s desk. 

… 

The walk back home was dead silent; you had no words for him at the moment. You couldn’t even relax as you were all too focused on what happened during lunch. You felt like sobbing out your apologies for getting his journal ruined…while another part of you wanted to avenge your friend- acquaintance- thing? You were so mad. You settled on saying sorry to Alexander first, even if it wasn’t really your fault. 

“I-...I’m sorry about your journal…” You murmured, looking over to see his reaction. He didn’t speak for a long while, but when he did, it confused you.

“You didn’t have to do that, you know…” He said, turning his head to look at you for once. 

“But I was just trying to help… You wanted me to just stand there and let him bully you?” You found that option to be much worse. 

“Yeah, because your ‘heroic act’ made me lose the one thing I cared about! I didn’t need your help!” He snapped. You halted your movements and gawked at him. You felt even worse than before, what did that even mean? His glaring felt like he was burning holes in your head, but his eyes were tearing up. 

“I could get you a new journal if you want…” You tried remedying the situation, but he wasn’t having it.

“No– and thanks for widening the target on my back!” He seethed before stomping off towards the park. You stood there, watching him retreat to his hiding place. You bit the inside of your cheek to stop yourself from crying in the middle of the street. With a heavy heart, you dragged your feet the rest of the way home–alone. Once you got to your front door, you took a deep breath, trying to get rid of the lump in your throat. Opening the door with some finality, you thought you could sneak away before your dad heard you.

Sadly, luck wasn’t on your side today… 

“Hey kiddo, how was school?” you heard your dad call out from the kitchen. You kicked off your shoes and placed your backpack on the floor. Growing concerned at your silence, he poked his head out from the kitchen to look at you from the hallway. 

“It was… fine? Definitely feels like every other school,” you shrugged. You weren't even sure how to bring up what you did and witnessed today. But you also didn’t feel like talking about it at the moment. You felt emotionally drained and sluggish.  “Ah, well, that's good right? At least it won’t be too hard to adjust,” dad chuckled lightly, you weren’t sure what was funny about that. Deciding to remain quiet, you walked into the living room and started up the Nintendo 64. You were going to take your frustrations out in Killer Instinct. Hopefully, you won't get so mad that you start throwing controllers again… 

Words: 3,373

Memory Three

“I think the house might be aging with you, Dad,” You pointed out while getting out of the car. He picked you up from the airport not too long ago. You heard him chuckle and could imagine him shaking his head, as he normally did afterwards. 

“You think so?” Was all he said.

It was a little sad to think about how you weren’t there to help out much. He was getting older and couldn’t keep up with all the chores like he used to. He never once complained about it- stating all he wanted was for you to live your own life and do what makes you happy. He was pleasantly surprised when you announced you were visiting him this year. He was often the one to fly out to you for the yearly visit (he didn’t give you much choice on the matter; you moved back to Canada, and that’s where the majority of the family is). 

Actually, that was part of the reason why you’re visiting, you were going to fix this place up as a thanks for all he’s done. He was your rock while you were growing up here, so it only felt right to do something major to thank him. Of course, you couldn’t tell him that– he’d just say that was his job as your dad. But you digressed.

Thankfully, your uncle taught you a bit of home improvement stuff, plus your dad also taught you throughout the years how to fix stuff around the house. So, you weren’t going in completely blind, and if you really didn’t know how to do something, there were always video tutorials. 

Feeling more motivated than ever to see your dad smile at his home restored to its formal glory, it was time to think of a list of things needed from the hardware store.

Getting up, you started walking towards a trail that cut between your house and your neighbour’s. Might as well take the shortcut and visit your old stomping grounds–the hidden park. It was such a small playground looking back, but to you and your friend, it was your hidden paradise. It felt special since no one knew about it except the two of you.

Looking down at the dirt path, it was a little overgrown since the last time you saw it. But you swore you thought you could still see tiny footprints leading you along the way. Not like you could ever forget where it was located. It was a stroke of luck that you managed to find it, being a bit far off the beaten path. Truly, it felt like going into another dimension once you passed the bushes that kept the play structure hidden.

What you didn’t expect to find was someone already there, so you stopped to observe. Their back was facing you as they sat on the play structure, legs placed on the small slide. It looked like they were contemplating going down. That was until they whipped their head around to look at who invaded their space. 

“Alexander…?” 

“Rotkäppchen?” 

… 

Age: 12

Memory One

“New area, new kid”

You and your dad moved around a lot, mostly within Canada and between major cities...it was chaotic to say the least. You were never in the apartments long enough to get friendly with the neighbours. Their faces tended to blur together, and forgotten once you had to move again. It was the same with school; you were never there long enough to make friends. Once you were lucky enough to stay in Brandon, Manitoba, for a few years. You became fast friends with two girls a year above you, and that was the only time you felt normalcy in your life. 

It was a lonely existence for much of your early years, but it was made somewhat bearable thanks to your dad. He always made sure you were cared for, even with his busy schedule. Sometimes it felt like it was just you and him against the world. 

Speaking of your dad, he was unusually quiet tonight… 

You watched as he picked at the macaroni and cheese on his plate. He seemed deep in thought, and it was starting to make you uneasy. Was today the day he finally announced you guys were moving again? If so, why didn’t he just come out and say it? After gathering some courage, you finally spoke up.

“So… Is there something on your mind-"

“-Kiddo, there’s something I need to discuss with you,” you both ended up speaking at the same time. 

“About what?” You answered, frowning as you tried to decipher if this was going to be a good or bad thing. Dad took a sip of his water before speaking up again, looking especially serious this time around. 

“My job has decided that my teaching and research are needed elsewhere… It’s a better position, but it’s really far from where we live,” he finally revealed.

“Needed where? They finally decided to ship you all the way to Iqaluit?" You joked, though you didn’t see how any of this was different. Dad chuckled but shook his head.

“No, this position is more permanent, like we-won’t-be-moving-anymore permanent. Although…we will be in a new country,” he finally explained. Your eyes widened at this dilemma; which was a big life-changing event, not just for him but for you as well. 

Staring at your food, you gathered your thoughts on the matter. You didn’t think it was a bad idea…considering you didn’t have much of a home here to begin with. But it was a new country, meaning potentially a new language, new culture and customs to learn. Plus, the rest of your family was here; wouldn’t they be sad to see you go? 

“What country are we talking about here?” You asked.

“Oh! Austria, I believe? …Yeah, Austria,” your dad replied.

Austria? That seemed pretty random.

“Of course,” Dad spoke up again, “I got another option for you, kiddo, you could stay here with your Uncle, and I could drop in to visit every year. Depends on when I can, but it will be every year–that’s if you want to stay here in Canada, that is.” You let out a sound of disapproval upon hearing that. No offence to your Uncle or anything, he was your favourite family member, but there was no way your dad was leaving you here. 

“No!” You shouted, gripping your fork harder in your hand. You looked away from him, frustration written on your face from the mere suggestion. The audacity. Dad just looked at your pouty face with a tight-lipped smile. Probably regretting suggesting that in the first place. He chuckled nervously and ate the Kraft Dinner to swallow down his shame. 

“It won’t be until the middle of August, which works out for you, considering school starts early September, so it all works out,” he gave you an encouraging smile.

… 

That's where you found yourself in the middle of August, miles away from where you grew up. He mentioned on a call with his friend that the ‘paperwork ran smoothly’ and moving wasn't as much of a nightmare as he thought it would be. Your dad was driving in unknown territory. Although the buildings were nice to look at, you weren’t scanning your surroundings in wonder; you kept your eyes glued to the card your uncle gave you on the last day… along with a small book your grandma got as a housewarming present. It was hard saying goodbye to them, even your dad ended up getting emotional and crying.

“Thank you for everything,” You heard your dad mumble when grandma gave him the tightest hug. 

It was a truly emotional day indeed. 

“You doing okay back there?” Dad asked, seeing him peek at you through the rear view mirror. You shrugged, having no real complaints other than ‘It’s dull and foreign here and I wanna go back,’ back to the familiar landscapes of Canada, where you didn’t have to worry too much about fitting in with the locals. 

“I don’t know… I kind of miss Canada,” you muttered. 

“I know… here, why don't we play that song you like?” he beamed at you, fiddling with the car’s CD player before you heard your favourite song come out of the speakers. You had to admit it was making you feel better. You swayed your head to the music, and your dad chuckled. It was a while before you started seeing the roofs of houses. It looked like he finally found the neighbourhood. You sat up straighter, curiosity getting the better of you. 

Just what kind of house did dad’s job hook him up with? 

It wasn’t long before you found out. He parked the car in front of a yellow, two-story house.

“This looks like the place…” Your dad got a piece of paper from the glove compartment, along with the house key. He stared at the paper for a while, making sure the addresses matched. He let out a happy hum when he confirmed this was the house. You placed your book and card down on the seat next to you before exiting the car. It honestly looked like something from a fairy tale, vines decorated the front. There was a small balcony with a window behind it–a Juliet balcony. The windows had shutters on the outside, and the front door was arched. The neighbourhood was surrounded by trees, making it feel like you were in the middle of a forest. Your dad came up beside you and whistled, putting his hands on his hips in the weird pose that he did when admiring something.

Okay, you had to admit you were impressed. The house and the surrounding area looked really nice, nicer than the houses back in Canada. The move was made even better when your dad said you could take the room with the balcony. He gave you a warm pat on the back before walking up the path, fishing out the keys, and unlocking the door. You ran over to see what the inside looked like. You were greeted with stairs going up to the second floor and a hallway leading to the kitchen. The living room was on the left side, in front of the stairs, while there was an extra room on the right. It all seemed to circle back to the main hallway.

Taking a peek up the stairs, you saw the main landing had four doors, all leading to bedrooms and a bathroom. The house was in pretty good condition, but it was just insanely dusty and grimy. Nothing a good wash wouldn’t fix… is what your dad would say. Which reminded you that it was time to start unloading the car and get the house in a livable condition. 

Ugh.

… 

It was a long week of unpacking, cleaning, and finding the nearest store for supplies. The majority of the unpacking was easy, since your dad ended up doing all of it. You got to decorate your new room, which was fun. Dad let you have full control of what you wanted. 

Currently, you were outside, your dad giving you the mission of going to the store to get dinner supplies. You weren’t allowed to stray too far, just grab what was needed (maybe a little treat also) then back home. Looking over to your left, you spotted the trail between your house and your neighbour’s blue one. Dad discovered it when he was making another cleaning supplies run. It led into a big park area which then led into a shopping district. How convenient. Deciding to take the little gravel path, you started walking. It was quite sunny out today, so you were grateful the trees provided ample shade- 

Your movements were halted when you spotted something colourful off the trail you were on. Which was weird, you took this path five times now… and you never noticed the colourful structure between the sea of green and brown? Curiosity got the better of you, so you hiked up your socks and started walking into the long grass. 

Well, you could definitely say it was a playground.

You were caught off guard by the boy playing by himself, though. He was around your height, although a bit taller, chubby, and had messy dark brown hair. He was moving around the play structure rapidly, waving a large stick around like it was a sword. He shouted around, giving commands to his ‘soldiers’ and claiming they needed to save the princess from the clutches of an evil wizard. Who the evil wizard was… You didn’t know, but it looked like fun. You stepped closer to the playground, and that’s when he finally noticed someone was there. You could see the boy visibly tense. He turned to face you, looking like a deer in the headlights. 

“Oh, uh… entschuldigung,” the word felt awkward on your tongue. Your dad made sure you knew at least a little German before coming here. Of course, it was only very basic–seeing as you’d be learning more once school began. Still, you weren’t sure how to express that you didn’t mean to scare him. You tried to make yourself less threatening (if that was even possible, you were just a girl after all). Although there was ample distance between you, it didn’t seem to work. The boy looked like he was going to bolt at any moment. You saw him biting the inside of his cheek; it was awkward, but you waited for him to say something. 

What felt like minutes passed before he finally spoke. 

“Passt schon… Ich wollte gerade gehen…” his tone sounded anxious. You frowned, not understanding him past ‘it’s okay.’The rest was made apparent when he started dejectedly making his way towards the gravel path, stick sword in hand. He was walking towards the neighbourhood you resided in. Did he live near you?

“Wait!” You called out to him. 

He continued walking and only picked up speed when you called out for him. You didn’t want to follow him lest it only spook him more. So, you watched him disappear down the path, wondering if you’d see him around any time soon.  

… 

Knock!

Knock! 

Knock!

“This is the third visitor we’ve gotten today…” Dad mumbled as he got up from the couch, stretching his limbs out a bit. He was repeating the same motions today, sitting, getting up to greet neighbours, then sitting again for an hour or so before another knocked. So far, you’ve been given food resembling casserole; odds are you’ll be adding a third. You walked with your dad to the door, and he opened it to see a whole family of three on your little porch. Immediately, you noticed that the husband didn’t look like he wanted to be there. The wife was holding a container full of what appeared to be dessert. Their child was standing behind them, and from the look of it, they were a boy.

“Hallo! I hope we aren’t interrupting anything, but we thought it was finally time to introduce ourselves. I'm Linda Andreas, this is my husband Rudolph–behind us is our son… Komm hierher, bitte,” she motioned her kid towards the front. You instantly recognized him; he was the boy from the park whom you scared off two days ago. His eyes widened slightly when he spotted you, and he shifted on his feet.

“This is my darling boy, Alexander,” Linda introduced.

“It’s nice to meet you all, I'm Waylon Medicine Rope,” Your dad shook hands with the parents before introducing you. 

“My daughter just recently turned 12, she’ll be going to the nearby school,” Dad said. Linda perked up at that.

“That’s wonderful! Alexander here recently turned 12 and goes to that school, maybe they could walk together?” Linda offered. Alexander seemed to deflate at that, pouting more since his mom didn’t even ask for his opinion. 

“But anyway, before I forget, I brought you an apple strudel! I hope you like them,” she handed off the dessert to your dad, who took it with a quick ‘thank you.’ He placed it on a small table near the door. 

“Did we catch the missus at the wrong time?” Linda asked, you looked up at your dad, and he shook his head.

“No missus here, just me and my daughter,” your dad replied, very proud in fact.

“Oh, is she…?” Linda trailed off.

“Not here with us anymore, so let’s just leave it at that.” 

You knew that type of talk was reserved for friends. He was married once, and you heard stories of the two of them together. After your dad grieved, he wanted to keep her memory alive by following the dream they both had of starting a family. 

That’s when he adopted you. 

People questioned his decision a lot. He was willing to be a single father? To deal with childcare without a woman around? His side of the family got weird once they found out you weren’t biologically his. Why go through all this trouble for someone who wasn’t blood-related? Though as soon as his family showed signs of displeasure, he was quick to leave them behind. Opting to hang out with his late wife’s brother and her grandma. The only ones who welcomed you and understood.

You heard Rudolph scoff under his breath, clearly in disapproval, but he kept his opinion to himself. Your dad didn’t pay him any attention, and kept the conversation going so it didn’t grow awkward. 

It was mostly Linda and your dad talking; the rest of them seemed to just idly stand there. It reminded you of the times your dad ran into someone he knew at the store. They would stand there and talk for what felt like hours. You could only stand next to him and hope the conversation would die out. After what felt like an eternity, they finally wrapped up their conversation. All the family members said their goodbyes. Dad shut the door with a heavy, tired sigh before looking over at you. 

“I thought that was never going to end…” He mumbled.

“It’s not like you were helping,” you replied matter-of-factly, before taking the apple strudel off the table and resuming your movie.

Words: 3,160

Memory Two