SILLY!!!

also i am giving him a little kiss

SURE!

more about billys childhood... WARNING though; i will be descriptive. he grew up around adults who treated children like objects that just existed in the background. people touched him whenever they wanted, yelled whenever they wanted, disappeared whenever they wanted. he learned early that his body wasnt really his own. sometimes people were affectionate in ways that made him uncomfortable but he didnt have language for why. sometimes they were cruel immediately after being kind. his brain stopped understanding what love was supposed to feel like because every version of closeness came attached to fear, shame, humiliation, or obligation. the incest and rape fucked him up especially, because it happened during years where his identity wasnt fully developed yet. he internalized it into his entire self concept. he doesnt really separate trauma from personality anymore. nobody protected him. adults either ignored signs completely or treated him like he was already damaged beyond helping. when he started showing disturbing behaviors as a child like inappropriate play with other kids, wetting himself, animal abuse etc, people reacted with disgust. the animal abuse started young. hurting smaller things made him feel powerful in ways he never felt otherwise. he wanted to understand pain, because pain was the only thing that consistently felt real around him. afterward hed feel sick. his brain couldnt hold all the contradictions together at once. none of his feelings felt compatible with each other. he couldnt mentally survive being all those things simultaneously. people rarely saw vulnerability in him at all. adults perceived him as threatening way earlier than they should have. once he got tall, everything got worse. people treated his obvious psychological instability like intentional bad behavior. by the time professionals finally tried helping him, he already distrusted everybody too much to participate honestly. hed either shut down completely or lie through entire evaluations just to get out faster. and because he's a person of colour, he was taken even less seriously, because why would a black person be pathetic instead of ghetto?

he tends to age regresses mentally without realizing it. sitting on floors automatically. struggling to speak properly when stressed. needing instructions repeated multiple times because his brain suddenly stops processing language correctly. eating food with his hands absentmindedly. hiding injuries because a part of him still expects punishment for being hurt. he rarely reacts to physical pain normally anymore. his body hurts constantly already so smaller injuries barely register. meanwhile tiny emotional reactions destroy him completely. somebody sounding irritated with him can trigger hours of episodes. he doesnt trust kindness. if somebody is consistently nice to him he starts assuming they secretly want something horrible from him.

ah, yes, relationship wise. hes deeply obsessive in relationships. he likes to psychologically attach himself to people until they become part of his emotional regulation. if they pull away even slightly he spirals immediately. sometimes he intentionally creates problems just to force reassurance out of people because chaos feels more familiar than stability. hes only dated once though, lasted him...a month. despite that, he still desperately wants connection in ways he doesnt even understand himself. hes painfully observant of people because his brain was trained from childhood to monitor moods constantly for survival. ( he also weaponizes that same observation against people when hes angry. he knows exactly where peoples insecurities are. during arguments he says VERY specific cruel things. then afterward he disconnects emotionally from what he did because accountability threatens his entire self image too much. ) he hates mirrors. not because he thinks hes ugly (he is), but he thinks that his reflection doesnt feel connected to him. some days he avoids reflective surfaces entirely because seeing himself move feels wrong. he has moments where he stares at his own hands for too long trying to convince himself they belong to him. he almost NEVER sleeps through the night. he drifts in and out of fragmented half sleep. basically his nightmares blend into reality. he wakes up disoriented and convinced something is in the room with him. sometimes he keeps televisions running static or random low volume noise because silence makes him panic. he forgets huge pieces of conversations but remembers tiny meaningless details perfectly. sometimes he genuinely convinces himself he was the victim even after hurting someone badly. his memory distorts around shame.

more fun facts: he cant whisper properly cuz his voice is naturally too deep. he holds cups and utensils weird cause his fingers are too long and because his joints lock up sometimes. he almost never finishes drinks. there are half empty water bottles and coffees everywhere in his apartment. he walks around with one sock on a lot because he loses the other one and doesnt care enough to look for it. very forgetful. his dreads get caught on literally everything. hes really weird about eye contact because one eye doesnt focus correctly so sometimes he accidentally looks past people while talking. he smells really strongly of detergent because he rewashes clothes obsessively when stressed. yes, surprisingly he showers. he knows an insane amount about obscure animal facts cause as a kid he spent hours reading random encyclopedias and nature books. he doesnt laugh normally. most of the time he just exhales hard through his nose or covers his mouth suddenly. he apologizes automatically if somebody bumps into him. hes weirdly good at braiding hair. he forgets to eat. he cannot sit normally in chairs so hes always folded up in some unnatural looking position. he gets attached to random objects emotionally. he types really dry texts because hes overthinking every sentence too hard. "ok" "ight" "my bad" meanwhile in his head hes freaking the fuck out. hes terrible at realizing when peoplw are flirting with him. little kids either adore him instantly or cry immediately no inbetween he sleeps with like 4 blankets even during summer, pressure helps his body pain a little. he sits in bathrooms during parties or gatherings to calm down for a few minutes. being perceived for too long exhausts him. he says "my fault" even when things are objectively not his fault at all. he almost never raises his voice. somebody has to push him REALLY far. he secretly likes cheesy early 2000s reality tv. hes constantly covered in bruises from bumping into furniture. he has a habit of standing in corners or against walls. he zones out staring at moving ceiling fans. he can only recognise people by their footsteps, coughing, or breathing patterns instead of faces. he gets migraines from light a lot, his apartment is usually dim. his pain tolerance is weirdly inconsistent. he keeps his ringtone off permanently. hes rlly hard to photograph because he either notices immediately and turns away or looks visibly uncomfortable in every picture. he used to collect dead bugs as a kid. he pets animals extremely carefully. sometimes he forgets hes too tall and tries leaning on things that absolutely cannot support his weight. he hates hearing his own voice played back.

billy after you kissed him ^

also, he has a playlist, so...