i'm silly but breakable

hair on my head, on my forehead, on my neck, touching my ears.

maybe its bc i dont feel like my problem deserves to be a problem that needs help. like its a problem of my own making, so it doesnt make sense to ask someone for help with a hole that i dug myself into. like 'i got myself into this mess, i should be able to get myself out of it'

or ive just. always felt other-ed. in small ways, but almost always. felt othered. scared to speak.

social phobia probably plays a role. being dismissed may also make me feel like my 'problems' aren't actually problems at all. that i just dont deal with things how im supposed to. i still remember the only time i brought up to my depiatric doctor that i sometimes felt like i couldnt fill my lungs up all the way, the doctor just kinda went 'oh just breath into a bag when that happens'. i felt brushed off. and his attidtude made me feel like it wasn't anything at all. that i was just overreacting to something that doesnt matter....

even my current therapist......the first professional that ive ever tried to describe my sensory problem with, just kinda got puzzled and ultimately resolved the conversation with, 'everybody has their quirks.' so i guess im just. quirky. my problem is just something thats quirky. we've never talked about it since (its aug 2026 right now). it just....makes it hard to bring up stuff like this....'invisible' stuff. cause maybe my borometer is wrong. maybe i detect thihngs as problems when they aresn't problems at all. especially if its not impeding in my quality of life.........but.....how can i know if it impedes me or not when ive just always felt like this all my life? i have nothing to compare it to.

just..................makes me feel like the things that i thought were problems, just...aren't actually problems and im just bringing up experiences for no good reason.

so i always second guess asking doctors about things that bother me. because what if its nothing. its probably nothing. or maybe its just one of my 'quirks'. its not a real problem. i shouldnt ask my doctors about things that aren't REAL problems. its not impeding my life...THAT much. its just really really annoying. that doesn't mean its a problem. yes i get itchy when im hot- but it doesnt like....cause me PAIN. yes my face is tense all the time, but it doesnt give me tmj or split my teeth. yes i struggle with feeling settled in my own body, but i'm still able to get through the day (even though i will sometimes have to resort to fidgeting, stripping, and/or trying to distract myself )

it just. my problems are probably nothing. these are not REAL problems. REAL problems are things like hip pain. or suicidal ideation. i start to feel self-conscious and almost....selfish....asking about things that probably aren't even problems. like i must be overreacting. or ive just...never experienced REAL problems because i dont breakdown in front of people. because i only breakdown in private. because my whole like ive pulled it together in front of people but then break into a million pieces when im by myself. it makes me feel like im fabricating a problem in my head. makes me feel immature...lazy...like im not trying hard enough...like im too sensitive...like i should just get over it. maybe i just want to feel...special? different? which doesn't make any sense...because i only like to cry by myself. why would that be attention seeking in any way. it makes me feel like.....i dont have any problems...so why do i feel like this....because the whole problem is....me....? my real problem is that i am too bothered by things that aren't problems. and i hate when i feel like ive done something wrong. and having issues with things that supposedly aren't issues...makes me feel like i exist wrong....makes me feel stupid and small and like theres something wrong with me if something this unimportant bothers me.

i guess it makes me feel unimportant. or im just...being dramatic...or playing up something so that i can feel more special bc i have a problem...i dont know. sometimes i feel like im just....making it all up. because i only break down in private. maybe it really ISNT a problem...because i can pull myself together in front of people. thats the only thing that matters right...? how i exist in front of other people? i just feel stupid about it most of the time. stupid and small and lonely and stupid and immature...and just....like i dont exist right and i shouldnt be here.

even now when i dare to tell people about an issue...i will play it down...not describe it as truthfully as i should. because my problems are stupid. people shouldnt worry about me....bc the things that bother me are not actually problems. the things yjat bother me are just my existence.

instantly makes me feel stressed/ put on the spot/makes me not want to say anything and just close up/shut down and stop talking. i think bc it is too open ended of a question, it makes me anxious and i cant think so i just end up saying, 'no its okay i dont wanna do anything'

then she asked if she could buy me some jamjam after work (lil bday sweet drink). And I immediately went, 'yes please :)'

i dont know if that means i dont know how to decide things for myself? or just...if a question is too open ended and it isn't something that i've thought about at all, i panic? because i'm not good at thinking internally when i'm in front of people. so i usually just end up giving some kind of non-answer. usually "i dont know". i used to say "i dont know" so often as a kid- i remember my dad pointed it out a couple times after i would answer multiple questions in a row with 'i dont know'. he'd (kinda jokingly) say, "well what DO you know?" and id have to fight to not say "i dont know."

struggling to take pills

struggling to open bottles or jars

dirty dishes stacked on top of each other

dirty dishes set in the sink (when the sink isn’t nice and clean)

the sound/feeling of skin rubbing against glass/ceramic plates

uncomfortable sensory around my collar/neck area

when i don't know where one of my possessions is

not knowing where a smell is coming from

when i feel stupid

when i freeze up and dont know what to say

things that I'm obsessed with:

Tzatziki

Joseph

drawing

researching crowd control/ crushes/ psychology

slinkies

plastic toy design (specifically ussr era zoo mockba toys)

(as a kid) drawing bugs life ants

comfort things:

monkies

sand crabs and ghost crabs

snakes

cats

the beach/ocean

Joseph

slinkies

music

specific shows (Mushishi, 2nd season of Fargo, Beyond the Minds Eye)

stims (possibly?)

humming (like to hum when i work)

rocking

pacing

picking skin/pulling out leg or eyebrow hair

when i play with fidget toys, i like to bounce my leg

SOCIAL PHOBIA habits

i'm not usually that bothered by chewing sounds. maybe its bc i'm trying to work? idk

but i aa\lso get irrationally mad when i struggle to swallow pills. or more like...frustrated...so frustrated i want to cry...or like....throw a tantrum....

I daydream while watching movies in a theatre. i think because i'm self-conscious and very focused on how my body is sitting. i still technically am "watching" the movie...but in certain moments my mind just starts drifting

i avoid answering chats/texts without thinking.

i feel like i'm barely hangin on and barely getting through the things i'm supposed to get done this week. and i'm just hangin on by my fingers. but no one at work would know. and i dont think my parents would know. i just feel like i cant keep up at all

when i smell something i dont know what it is, i can't rest until i figure out where the smell is coming from.

i do pretend to listen because i get stuck thinking about one singular thing that someone talked about. and i want to contribute to the conversation by saying that thing. but the conversation has moved on.

i also cant judge when to end a conversation. a lot of times i want to end it sooner (especially with strangers) but as soon as I leave the convo, i get the vibe that i left too soon and came across as rude.