Étudiante en gestion, ne sait pas gérer sa vie

immediately, he takes all your attention. his thick voice with a growly infliction has you staring up at his ruby eyes and you’re crooning your head to fit in his palm. he’s so handsome in his pristine white shirt, black tie and black blazer. even the way his black slacks hug his thighs has your hand inching to grab at his belt and unbuckle.

you don’t though. you just tilt your head.

“what do you mean? we planned to meet today?” both your hands fly to his single hand holding your face.

you feel a flare of embarrassment snake up your throat and face. did your boyfriend forget about you? and it had to be done in front of an audience of his friends and colleagues who are still standing in the corner of the room.

he can sense how you’re feeling though, your eyes dropping away from him and how your shoulders shrink smaller.

“out.” it’s loud and clear, said staring in your eyes and you jump at the order. even you’re about to pounce up like a solider until you notice it’s for his men who leave the room in a single file.

“oh i thought you meant me,” you awkwardly laugh, crossing your legs over each other, “can’t believe you forgot you were supposed to see me today. i’ll go, you look busy.”

bakugou sits beside you, eyebrows furrowed deep on his face. he leans forward on both his knees as he pulls out his phone, going into his message app to his texts with you.

you’re about to get up, preparing your shameful cry in an uber until he puts his shining phone screen in your face.

“fuck, you had me thinkin’ i got my days wrong. i never get my days wrong,”

you read the screen and there’s the message. you got the day wrong, you were supposed to meet tomorrow.

“ooooooo,” you hum, now you’re embarrassed for a whole new reason, “oh. my bad.”

an arm wraps around your shoulders and two kisses land on your cheek. “thought i was the worst fuckin’ boyfriend in the world there,” you feel his chuckles vibrate through his body but it only makes you groan.

“i’ll leave! they’re all waiting for you and i’m sure there’s something wrong with kirishima,” you ramble.

“can i get another kiss hello or are you gonna run away from me?”

you pause, then you rest a hand on his thigh and kiss your lover. a lovely kiss, a sweet one that’s nudging towards steamy. he attacks your bottom lip, lightly biting and when you open your mouth, suddenly you’re both rolling around in his sofa. his tongue slips through, brushing and sucking yours and everything inside you begins to burn.

it doesn’t help that all your clothes are pretty thin and he’s found a way to flip you under him as he fits his body between your thighs and he holds his weight with his forearms over you.

when you finally separate, it’s not for long because you duck in for another and then he does and then you and before he can again you blurt, “they’re waiting for you!”

you giggle, pushing his face away from yours though he just looks back at you, eyes weak with a tiny smile.

“you’re not leavin’ though, they are. i’ll speak to them quickly and we’ll have tomorrow today, yeah?”

there’s nothing for you to reply with but a soft, “okay.”

bakugou sits up, taking his hands through his hair to look like the mafia boss he is and fixing his suit. you still lay on your back. “you look beautiful, ‘suki.”

he huffs at the compliment, beautiful isn’t a word for him, it’s one for you but you don’t listen.

instead he stands, rolling his eyes. “i’ll be back in a sec.”

abruptly, you stop pacing. "fine. um. i made tea." you swivel around and beeline for the two steaming mugs next to the kettle, picking up them up by the handles clumsily and almost spilling the boiling water onto yourself.

sylus swoops in. "careful, kitten. wouldn't want you to get burned, now would we?"

shaking your head, you mumble, "no," and let him take the mugs from you. upon returning to the living room, he grabs the tv remote to continue playing the film. but you stop him.

"i, um. can we talk?" you blurt out, your hands shaking as you pry the sleek remote from his warm hands. the plastic retains his heat, unsettling. you drop it on the coffee table.

"something the matter?" he asks, his grin lazy yet his eyes follow your every move, curious and calculating.

"no." instinctually, you curl in on yourself. hiking up the wool blanket to your chest, you scoot back to place a safe distance between you two.

"you're a bad liar, sweetie. so tell me, what is it that you want to talk about? i'm assuming it's not this god-awful movie." sylus shifts to face you better, his manspread widening slightly. your eyes dip. fuck. no.

"hey," you hiss, but it comes out damp. "i like this film, thank you very much." your brow draws together like his comment upset you, but it barely reached you. your thoughts are multiplying by the second, overcrowding your mind and closing in. it's getting hard to breathe.

your gaze comes to rest on his cufflink. it's a ruby. nice. looks expensive. probably cost a month's worth of your rent or more. but that's sylus for you. he's got a loooooot of money, which is good for you because he's generous enough to share it. but even more than that, he's a wonderful man whom you could see yourself with in ten years time. so it's imperative that you don't fuck everything up like you always do.

"sweetie." his voice cuts through your chaos. "i'm waiting."

"i know. um." you press your lips together, smushing the drying balm that's already on them. at last, you say in a small voice, "i like you, sylus. i really do, i promise. i really, really like you."

"but?" you can't spare a glance at him, you can't bear to see the kind of pain that you're about to inflict on him. even if his tone is playful, it's just a mask. it must be.

"i just... i have problems, okay? i... just fuck things up. and i try not to, but i... you know, i can be very hot and cold sometimes. and it's not that i don't like you. it's not your fault. it's just this thing in me, it's a part of me.

"like i want to be with you, i do. but sometimes, i get scared that once we're close, you'll turn around and hurt me, and so i push you away. i know it's all very confusing for you, and it's all very confusing for me, too, but... i'm trying to manage it better. i am managing it better, i promise.

"but if you, um, you know? want more with me—because i do with you—then i'll just need a little extra love and care, you know?"

"mhmm." that's all he says. low and resonate. fuck. he must be so disappointed in you. he must be so disappointed that the months of hard work which brought you both here have been wasted. he must be so disappointed that some loony has feelings for him and dares to ask for more. more than a 'normal' person would.

"i know i'm asking for a lot—"

"sweetie," he cuts you off. "you haven't asked me for anything yet. what? 'extra love and care'? is that it? if it is, then quite frankly, i'm offended that you're not asking for more." his large hand finds yours which remains under the blanket. you gaze up, and oh—the expression on his handsome face is so gentle and sweet that you must be imagining it. tender eyes and a gooey smile. your heart beat quickens.

he murmurs, "so tell me what you want, and it'll be yours." your mouth feels dry. you swallow painfully, wincing as sandpaper slides against sandpaper. he notices and grabs your mug of tea. you clasp it with your covered hands, it's sweltering heat seeping through the soft blanket. it's too hot to drink, but his simple gesture gives you the strength to speak your truth.

"i like how consistent you are. i know things can be dangerous sometimes, especially with you. but you always respond to me, and you read my texts, which i really appreciate—"

"i'm sorry, uh, sweetie. you do realise that is the most basic thing a man can do, don't you? read your texts and respond to them?"

"i know, i know!" you scramble. "i just really appreciate it, and it would make me feel good if you could keep doing that, please?" he stares at you like you've grown a second head. you adjust your grip on the mug, the temperature unbearable.

ever aware, sylus takes the mug from you sets it down, un-drunk. he breaks out into a chuckle and shakes his head in disbelief before encouraging you to continue.

"what?" you pout. "is that already too much to ask?"

"no, not at all. it merely shocks me that something so simple forms part of your definition of 'asking for too much'. but please, continue." he extends his hand out, gesturing that the floor is yours before settling it on his meaty thigh. nummy-nums. the way his trousers are straining against his muscles—you have to stop yourself from following that train of thought.

"right, um, also, i like how reliable you are. i like how you always do what you say you're gonna do. that's really comforting and makes me feel safe."

"ah, yes, i believe that's called 'the bare minimum', kitten," he remarks.

you scowl, "stop being a dick, sy. i'm tryna express to you my needs and wants in our relationship."

"and i'm confused as to how such basic things have made your list. don't tell me the dating pool is that rough these days."

"you'd be surprised," you quip. composing yourself, you continue, "and it's not necessarily about the action, it's about the feeling. that's what i'm trying to get at. i like how you're reliable and consistent. and i like how you initiate things. and it's not that you do this because you don't. but i just wanna be clear that i like it when you initiate, but i don't want you to push me, you know?"

"push you?" his brow furrows. "why would i push you?"

"i don't know. i think it can be very frustrating, you know?"

"frustrating?" you've lost him. if he was feeling frustrated, his reaction wouldn't be to give you a little shove, no matter how metaphorical that shove might be. on the contrary, his reaction would be to draw you in close and get a whiff of your shampoo or that expensive perfume he's been considering buying for you as of late.

"yeah. i don't want you to force me, you know? i just need a lot of time to... unfurl, i guess?" ah, now you're making much more sense to him.

"take these cups of tea, for example." you glance at them. "think of it like our relationship is the tea and i'm the tea leaves in the tea bag. i don't know who you are. you can be the water, i guess? the point is that you put the tea leaves in the hot water and then it takes maybe three to five or even ten minutes for the leaves to release their full body of flavour into the water, brewing the tea.

"what i'm tryna say is that i need time and space to get comfortable and relax. you can't just dunk the tea bag into the water a few times and get a nice brew. you gotta let it steep. like i just need you to give me that time and space, so i feel ready to be vulnerable and intimate with you.

"i don't like when people ask too many questions too quickly, you know? like, i’m not some puzzle for you to piece together. and i don't like people who come on too strong. it's very overwhelming. like, i just want that space, you know? i want you to initiate, but i also want you to leave room so that i can initiate and play, test what feels safe for me and what doesn't."

out of all the comforting things he could say, he's already offering before he can stop himself, "like a kitten?"

"what?"

"you're like a kitten. you want space to come out of your shell, to approach and play, yes?"

oddly enough "yeah. i guess, you could kinda say i'm like a kitten. i mean, i don't think i'd put it that way but."

"would you like me to return to the tea bag analogy? shall i call you 'my little tea bag'?" you can't help but crack up at that, a smile worming it's way onto your lips.

"no!"

"then i'll call you 'kitten', just like i always have." his signature smirk is wide and oh-so dreamy. you can feel the tightness in your throat and chest receding, taking with it resultant tension from many days spent in contemplation. perhaps sylus knew how you were from the start, and all of this is a refresher for him. after all, he is a good judge of character.

"and last thing, kinda," you start. "i want you to help me create a space where we can tell each other anything and be vulnerable, but we're not obligated to share. like, we can open up on our own terms when we both feel ready, if we ever feel ready. i think it really just stems from consistency and reassurance. reassurance, especially! i didn't say it before, but i just need reassurance, you know? at least for now, i just need you to remind me sometimes that i'm loveable and i'm worthy."

"you know, sweetie. i think everyone needs a little reassurance sometimes."

"really?" your eyes light up as you subconsiously lean toward him, awe and excitement dancing in your features.

"of course," he shrugs, like it's perfectly reasonable for you to want your partner's reassurance and that's not a by-product of your childhood trauma. because somehow, in the psychological garble of it all, basic needs can suddenly turn into attachment style-specific requests that are far too effective in othering those seeking help. sometimes, despite all the good that lies in trauma healing advice, you end up walking away from the article perceiving yourself as more of a freak than you did to begin with.

"you know, i just feel like i'm broken sometimes," you admit. and then pause. silence. what have you just done? "i mean, like, i feel like sometimes i can be such a headache to deal with." you're just making it worse.

"sweetheart." sylus's hand crosses the boundary between you both and grasps your knee. "you're not broken, nor are you a headache."

instead of nodding and accepting his comfort, you counter, "yeah, i am. or at least, i feel like that. you know, no one wants to date someone who's as fucked in the head as i am, okay? and it's not like i wanna be like this. but i can't just undo it, you know? and i'm sorry that i'm putting you through this. i'm just causing all of this trouble and shit. i know that you probably wanted someone baggage-free and 'normal' and—"

"kitten. the only person i want to be with is you, alright? baggage and all." he's already shifting closer, his other hand stroking your chin, and the blanket tightening around you under his weight. but you don't mind it. you were doing so well until you weren't. you were powering through until somehow, you were holding on by a thread. and sylus is there to catch you unravelling.

he wraps his arms around you as your lips begin to tremble. you told yourself not to cry—hell, mentally screamed it at yourself. but the tears are coming on fast now, and there's no way to stop them.

"is this too much?" his arms flex around you.

"no," you sob into his chest, your voice cracking and your sadness staining his designer button-up.

"good. but if it becomes too much, you'll let me know, won't you?" he asks, his tone gentle. you nod in response and clutch onto him tighter.

as you continue to cry, you begin blurting out random things about yourself that you think he should know, such as "i like control" or "i don't like loud noises."

to which he responds with "do you now?" or "is that so?" or some other variation. whatever he murmurs back to you is quiet and reassuring. a little teasing but that's his style. he leaves room for you to keep talking or to say nothing at all, which you asked him to do. and at some point during your cry, you realise that everything you asked him for is a given. you're not being a hassle by wanting love, acceptance, or understanding from your partner. even if it takes you a little while, he'll deem whatever you share with him is well worth the wait.

sylus isn't in love with the idea of you. there's no boxes you need to tick or beauty standards you need to fulfill. you are not idol he's projecting his fantasy onto.

sylus loves you for the depths of your being, even if those depths are rocky and volatile at times. with him by your side, you'll be able to face your intertwined future head-on. and if you're not strong enough, then he'll wait until you're ready and encourage you every step of the way.

elle's notes: this piece is deeply personal to me, but i thought i'd share it anyway. currently experiencing some turmoil in my dating life (throwback to ron if you remember that yap session on here a while ago), which has really turned me off romantic relationships for a little bit. genuinely, i'm feeling very exhausted with men. and i'm also feeling a bit frustrated because even though i know i'll need some extra tlc, much of it is just standard shit like reading my fucking text message or not hassling me to go on a date with you. like if i said no, i said no what's your problem ARGHHHHH. boys😒 need a secure man like mr sylus qin over here pls when.

some resources you might find helpful:

disorganised attachers in relationships all about disorganised attachment daughters of unloving mothers daddy issues and impact on relationships how to spot a narcissist narcissistic gaslighting

if at any point the links stop working (or if i screwed them up), lmk in the comments!