Silently Spilled Thoughts

The knowledge that they continue to talk without me like I never existed or even mattered stings. I didn't even like them much, but it still hurts. It's like a thorn prickling my heart, spending a spark of pain each time I remember.

I was right. I wasn't safe or welcome there, and I was thrown out.

I think I prefer being alone, I've never felt more lonely than when I'm surrounded by people. There's no one to disappoint you when you're alone, no one to ignore you. No one to weigh you down with their negative opinions.

I joined an extremely small ship-specific fandom server a while ago with a few other people, and two of them have clearly been by themselves for so long that they are an exclusive club at this point, and I very much feel like the unwelcome third wheel. I try to join their less specific conversations, ones I think I could jump into, but the third wheel feeling, coupled with my tendency to overthink that leads me to spiral into anxiety and, more often than not, sike myself out and convince myself not to instead, so it's a small miracle anytime I manage to do so.

I tried, I am trying, tell people I play nicely with others, but jesus christ why is it so goddamn hard to talk to people? I say something and get nothing in return, or some half-assed response that radiates they'd rather be talking to anyone else but I'll do since theres nothing better, but someone else says anything and its like they've personally delivered the nector of the gods.