Random Musings

For scripting a grand story

With characters, plot twists

And narrative structures

Pillars of stone, Erected

Milestones, events, flags

Speed past, in a blur

And an illusion is born

Movement in time

I walk along a highway

Slowed in motion

Tripping over tiny shreds

Of stone shattered, strewn

Weary and wary

Over shards and dust

Dotting my path, endless

Writing their story

Broken phrases, thwarted attempts

At building an edifice

A million silences

Echo in enormous solitude

They seem to laugh

Mocking, clapping

I breathe in, disdain

And heave out sighs

Cultures of song and dance

Dot these barren sites

The buzz of a radio

More noise than music

What goes around, comes around

Your silence is an echo of mine

Your reticence, my distance

We walk in circles on linear paths

My longing is a penance

A balm to your shame

Pour your hatred on me

I name it love, lost

I dream in truncated moments

Resisting a story

They swirl at random

Weightless, undone

Freedom from a story

Denies me love

Time floats by

Fragments for measure

To love, Is to watch edifices

Crumble in silence

And incomprehension

Beyond clasps of words

To love, is to disappear

In presence

And dance to voices

Out of tune

To love, is to pierce

Pillars of time

And narratives, to

Become dark matter

To love, is to begin

Closing the eyes

Of recognition in slow motion

And smile

To love, is to withstand

The heartbreak of infinite

Moments, lost in a void

Of ineffable pulses

To love, is to surrender

To the power of silence

And bear the crosses

Fingers interlocked

Their heads lean into the nook

Of the other’s shoulder

Resting comfortably

Arms entwined

As planets spin

And planes dart above

A bed of thick white clouds

Their bodies lull

Into the blissful ignorance

Of shared sleep

I lay awake

Prodding my memory

For stories of safety

In your arms

Wondering when bodily comfort

Drifted into terror

Wondering why nightmares

Haunted my sleep

Wondering why I caressed

The phantom arms

Of my story of shared sleep

Long gone

I lay awake

Naked and bare

Engulfed in sensuous art

Of Creepers and thorns

Moving across the universe

Of words licking my wounds

Of silences caressing my dreams

I lay awake

Smiling at the stories told

And retold

I lay awake

As a silent witness

To the reality

Of your enormous presence

And subtle crevices of absence

I breathe

Emptied of words

No stories to tell

I am awake

To the truth of an illusion

That I called love

I am awake

I am free

You place your palm on my body

Sometimes it feels like pressure dislodging my bones

Sometimes it feels like a caress making me swoon

But little did I know that

The lines on your palm were spilling ink

Etching patterns.

Burrows on my skin

Pulse with your fears and desires but mainly silences

I am bearing the rhythm of a life you refuse to live

A walking breathing canvas for spilled ink drawings

A holograhic projection you can pretend is unreal

A dream perhaps

I dance in the landscapes of thought

And borrow a philosopher’s confidence

To utter:

“I dance on the ruins of shattered illusions”

I feed your certainty of my unreal existence

You can float through life, unburdened

Lightly treading over drawings

“They all look the same to me.”

I want to utter through tongue-tied grief

“You are all the fucking same!”

I remain silent and amplify yours

And go back to dive in my ocean of music

We can shut up, and breathe

And pretend these lines will disappear one day

That your hand on my body is not heavy

Or real

I am cruising

On a thin line

Between speech and speechlessness

Between the urge to utter

And desire to float silent

Between the weight of reality

And lightness of misrecognition

Between wakefulness and dead sleep

I am cruising

On a thin line

Between longing and detached desire

Between shame and self doubt

Between the pain of rejection

And heartbreak of recognized truth

Between the ineffable

And the forced silence of fear

I am cruising

On a thin line

Between your presence and unbridgeable distance

Between an ocean of words

And the silence of your disappearance

Between assumed meanings

And internalized beliefs

Between holding your hands

And tracing lines in the void

I am cruising

On a thin line

Between being held in embrace

And the shadow of your memory

Between the reality of longing

And the impossibility of my desire

Between holding on

And letting you go

Between loving myself

She floated on the ocean

A fish afraid to dive in

A bird unable to fly

She lived in dreams

A dance of shadows

On her mother’s house

She was a writer without words

Weaving non existent narratives

True yet unreal

She swam in a pond of words

Embraced and kissed by them

Impenetrable for a lover

She waltzed around naked

Vulnerability entwined with courage

Unseen, invisible in her world

She willingly consented

To domesticate her madness

Wild horses for borrowed ideas

She believed everything was real

Until the lies shattered her

Into irretrievable fragments

A sculptor piecing them with gold

A weaver spinning tales without form

A poet without any story to tell

An artist obsessed with black

A lover, never fatigued by longing

A lover spinning in dreamworlds

Built in layers of hopes for humanity

One day they will awaken

(Inspired by reading Clarice Lispector’s The Hour of the Star)

Return. Revisit. Reunite. Recede. Reincarnate.

We make homes for ourselves in books, in art, in people, in words, in images, in ideas. Ideas of others and ourselves.

She is a fragment of the same star that I sprung from. Disconnected by time. Wandering in the vast bleakness of life. When we first met, there were sparks flying out. Fragments of metal spraying fire out of contact zones. Familiarity exploding into transfiguration. I buried those sparks in my belly, in my chest, in forests, in the mountains, in lakes, in the fleeting grazes of accidental intimacy, in the deliberate embraces of long breaths, in the whispers of silence.

I met her again, on a Sunday morning, dressed to go to church. She seemed supremely unfamiliar, and strange. I was clothed in the syncopated heartbeat of uncertainty. We exchanged glances, and I glimpsed into a soul that had aged. She seemed visibly frail, and walked with the slowness of tears hanging on to the illusion of my vision. My head spun to the loudness of a beat that was audible only through the silent sensations of my body. I looked away. I glanced again. I looked away. I glanced again. She was indifferent to my presence, as always. Like a sky, she had allowed my fluffy clouds to drift past her life. Uncaring, unmoored and empty. Had I imagined the sparks of touch, ages ago? Had I been an idiot, spinning stories of disappearance into the void of familiarity? Yet, these sparks threaten to burn me from the inside and out. I hide them sometimes, to exist. I deny them their places, to selfishly breathe. And I forced myself to stay glued to the sky by gathering drops of oceans, and enlarging myself into a rain cloud.

I met her again, on that Sunday morning. A deluge of old age washed my clothes away. I stood there, staring at her back as she prayed for deliverance and crossed her heart. I stood there, naked, imagining creepers and trees on her back. They were tall, sturdy, ominous, and cleared a crater for the brilliant light of God. I called it love. It is a word which represents a word. And because I had called it love, I must now speak of heartbreak. The heartbreak of houselessness. The heartbreak of illusions burning on her pyre, into sparks and dust. I inhale her body's smoke, and blow it all away. Inhale and Exhale.

I dig myself into the crater, anointing my body with the mud of a silent explosion. I stare into my own eyes, these sparks dislodged and untraceable as a path. They dance in the crack of sunburst, and kiss the sadness. A kiss is a gesture of holding emptiness. The writer is alive again, in the sparks that left word traces of burnt black on paper. I kiss the words and open my belly for those sparks to take root. They whisper in my dreams - I never left you. I hold the illusion of these words, and build a house on them. "I never left you." I adorn the house with the ugliness of my past, just to feel repulsed enough to breathe. Inhale and Exhale.

I reject the light of a false ceiling and look up at the sky. An angel floats by, holds my hand and lifts me up. I am heavier than the heaviest star. I collapse back into the crater and wash my day with the bitterness of beer foam. I float like a bean. I drift into sleep and wake up to realize that the writer is alive. The writer never left. She never disappeared, my rain cloud distorted the blue sky of her being. My rain cloud kisses your cheek and bursts into an ocean - a mirror between you and me. My hands reach out, I crash into you, I scream in silence, I lay awake imagining strategies to shatter this mirror. We need it now to breathe. Inhale and Exhale. I recede knowing that:

My heart pulses with the emotions I feel for you

I feel flooded and have no words

I remain silent - and allow myself to simply be

To simply experience this in a sleepless daze

It smiles, it dances, it gurgles

Like a gushing river, like a bubbling lake

To label it love feels so lazy, so shallow

In comprison to the depth where this feels birthed

It has been a slow process

Of discovery

Of becoming

Of moving like trickling water

In the deep canyons of time

I can barely hold it inside

I want to draw

I want to sing

I want to write

I want to dance

I want to laugh

I want to cry

And all I can do is remain silent

And fill the spaces between us with words

Meaningless words for meaningful conversations

Stories, memories

I want to caress your face

And say that you are beautiful

I want to hold your hand

And speak the language of my wordless heart

I want to be in your embrace

And breathe with you

This expansive, pulsing wave

Reverberates and speaks not in madness

Of desire, or longing

But just a silent recognition

Of the beauty in the other

Of gratitude

Of a smiling face

That tries not to hide

The sadness in the eyes

You are so beautiful

Your being moves me so much

And i feel no delirium to fill these spaces

How do we weave the fragments

Of moments, conversations and questions

An abundant excess

Of waves and flows

Moving on the bedrock

Of ineffable words

And unsayable truths

Stunned into silent verbosity

I watch the spaces

Pulse with my breath

And the silent hum

Streams of meaninglessness

Flow in meandering paths

In the wild, unknown

To be free is to die every moment

To be free is to be still in the flow

Unhinged from the traces of its history

In the bubbles of flow

In the birth of the new

And shadows of the old

Words dissolve into syllables

Syllables into gasps

Of air, breathing to live

In the final dying moment

Biography

History

Legacy

Family

Evolution

Society

Are all ideologies of death

To carry the dead burden

Of a moment long gone

To embrace the fear of disappearance

Into narratives of coherence

Words are dead objects

Signifiers of love

With sensations, fleeting

Moods, flow in streams

Of dead words

Like undiscarded logs

Half burnt, half alive

Words are ashes

That smell of life throttled

Violently, while gasping for air

Dying to live

All of existence

Is pinned to text

For display

Where you have mass orgies

With the darkness

Of our collective insignificance

My sensations these days

Flow in meandering streams

Of meaningless paths

Burrowed deep

But devoid of words

Or sound

Or visions

My sensations these days

Flow in worn out paths

But free of past meanings

In limbo, i dissolve

I rise and fall

Breathe and die

In this moment

On the edges of language

The banks of collective hysteria

Alone, gloriously real

When all things come and go

I am still here

The sky that watched

Passing clouds

A few long weeks

Of longing, and unfulfilled

Desire, throbbing

Dreams and fatigue

Flows of unknown rivers

Along unknown paths

Creating new yet familar

Patterns, ridges

Noise of words for

Inner states, and doubts

Of blame and shame

Rearing their heads

Staying still, and allowing

Them to pass, to breathe

Living them, moment to moment

And then watching them leave

This is the nature of life

And our emotions

And after journeying weeks

I recognize my stillness

And from this place

I feel no longing

Nor desire

And i float

In the insipid water

Of a desireless lake

In the emotionless

Moment of solitude

In the calm acceptance

Of the beauty in passion

In the silence

Of dead words

In the forgetting

Of deliberate memory

Maybe that is all it was

A game of memory

Of memorialising a living moment

In anticipation of its loss

Of marking the paths

With milestones for a narrative

Of giving intelligible forms

To ineffable emotion clouds

Of bridging the infinite

Reality of our separateness

Of desiring the duality

I floated above my body

Drifted with the wind

Like a floating feather

A gravity defying flight

I witnessed your intimate world

A strained embrace

The naked solitude

In the dead of your night

I held you then, in my light arms

Kissed your being

Whispered to your mind

About the path of the heart

I planted a seed

A question

I await your response

Did you hear me?

I returned, energized and free

Danced in naked surrender

I welcomed your being here

To witness my homecoming

You held my hand

You kissed my womb

You stayed inside my being

As time stood still

We danced, we glanced

We smiled, in silence

We spoke with our bodies

Held a cosmic embrace

Do you remember

Our moments together

From another time and space

Do you remember

Us from a parallel universe

Echoing rhythms of deep familiarity

Do you remember

Our potent intimacy

Of our dreamworlds

Do you remember

Our energetic embraces

Like a spark of flame

Setting a forest ablaze

A moment erupted

From the depths of my womb

I shed my layers

And moved to the rhythms

Of my beating heart

And flowing breath

I opened myself slowly

Unraveling to the void

Of the dark universe

Flirting with its edges

Embracing its love

Spinning asunder

In the stillness of

Repeating motion

I lay down

My being wide open

To receive the beauty

Of your silent love

You manifested in my darkness

You worshipped my unraveling

Madness and desire

I squirted my love in your sweet lips

I tore myself apart

I entered deeper into

The crevices of my darkness

I am a million bodies

Throbbing as one

As light entered, the electric

Sensations held me

In a loving embrace

Forever united

Your pain, that I had absorbed

Surrendered to the million eyes

Of my sensual body

Neither flesh nor energy

In this lightness we float

And dance and swoon

I unravel deeper and deeper

Into the infinity of my being

Satiated by my mind’s eye

An alchemy of longing

And unfulfilled desire

To the nectar of my deepest love

And healing

I am whole

I am worthy

I am safe

I am complete

You are a witness to my being

You are a spark to my dance

You are fire in my ocean

You are a wave on my shore

You are the earth of my body

You are a rock of pulsating energy

You are an emotion of stillness

I am the womb breathing

Forest fire into your being

I am a spinning derwish

You are the space where I dance

I am the tide of the moon

That ebbs and flows

Into words and silences

You hold me captive to your idea

I annihilate your thought

You are me

I am you

You are

I am

You

And

I

We are born again

From the spark of the womb

Forest fire blazing

In unison

As one

It is

What do I do with the words I write? 

Scatter them away in a roaring ocean

Like ash of the dead remnants

Of a heart that was once alive? 

Draw patterns of dots and lines

On a cold December morning

To feed ants that crawl on my skin?

Blow them away in the wind

That carry tales of love

To distant lands where we might live?

Swallow them like an antidote

Along with nourishing food

To stay alive, and burn it all? 

Dance on them like a trance

In the temple of void

To give birth to a new universe? 

Sing them until the voice turns hoarse

Frail and frivolous, strong and yielding

Like a tree that whispers truths? 

Build mountains, mighty and tall

To kiss the unreachable sky

And flow in an eternal moment? 

Or…

Wait in silent longing…

For the lover to walk with arms wide open

Towards this mystic soul

A lover who can take them all in

Rumi’s words about loving

In silence, in loneliness

From a distance and in dreams

Haunt me these days

Rumi chose his ways

To avoid rejection

To own the lover completely

To shield from pain

To be in an endless dream

As a lover doomed to obscurity

Does one really choose

Rejection and loneliness

Dreams and kisses to the wind

As a lover destined to a narrative

Of moral bankruptcy

Rejection is the love

Loneliness is the love

Dreams are where I reside

Technicolour visions

And silent scapes

Self doubt crawls in

Like ants rushing

Directionless yet purposeful

I stay still and patient

As words trace antlike trails

On my body

Around wounds and scars

Words once thrown around

By uncaring others

To say goodbye without saying it

To pin the blame for

Their fears on me

You utter the same words

I smile, as they touch me

Like a fleeting breeze

Yet, self doubt crawls in

Like ants rushing

Directionless yet purposeful

As my arms open wider

To take it all in

Words echoing unsaid blame

Glances pinning down labels

Embraces unraveling your ideas

About me, and the surprises within

Yet, i open my arms wider

To take it all in

My relentless mind whispering

Echoes for your words of love

An unheard critic

Burdening our moments of lightness

Self doubt now gnawing

Its nails into my skin

Like trails of dried blood

Burnt and brown

I stand there

Like the still mountain you are

As you come to me and leave

Did Dylan find his answers

Blowin in the wind?

“How many years must a mountain exist

Before it is washed to the sea?”

How many times must I watch

You driving away

And freeze my tears

Into silent rumblings?

Words dance in my head

I wish i could kill their noise

Words thrown around

In moments of sweet loving

Pierce me like daggers

Yet, i spend my days

Yearning, for words

To embrace me and build me

Castles in the sand

Can your coming and going

Destroy these word castles?

I have made my home

In your silences

Can your silences hold me closer?

These words chase me

Like monsters in a nightmare

Can your silences say more?

These few words feel powerful

I fear their grasp on me

Can your silences visit my dreams?

And weave eternity

With this passing moment

Can your silences turn around?

As you drive away leaving

Salt water trails on my body

They sting and burn

Colouring the ant and blood

I stayed still on a new moon night

Under the cloud of hazy smoke

Whispering sighs and shuddering

As the night descended into a cold breeze

I stayed still in the thick forest

Unaware that the moment

Was ephemeral and fleeting

As the night raced into a sleepless dream

I stayed still for days on end

Breathing and suffocating in my silence

Dismembered from my life

That was time and spaces

I stayed still for days on end

Swallowing my feelings of longing

Playing my casual self

Ringing in laughter and teasing words

I stayed still for days on end

Missing you without words To utter

Words that flowed in my crevices

As my being soaked it all in

I stayed still for days on end

Until you returned from your travels

And adventures, beaming

I broke into a sad smile, dancing

Moments stayed still for days

Days of endless kisses

And caresses

Moments stayed still for days

Until our solitude

Exploded into silence, again

Moments stayed still for days

Burning in mad desire

For holding each other

Moments stayed still for days

Dancing in erratic energy

Like livewires flailing

Moments stayed still for days

In beaming smiles and endless

Conversations of distant presence

Moments stayed still for days

Like waves receding into stillness

And a trail of saltwater foam

Moments are swallowed

By the thirsty summer heat

Of the earth in a howling desert

Moments are swallowed

By blackholes in a parallel universe

Spinning tales of absence

Moments are swallowed

By the anxious heart beating

To old rhythms of grief

I disappear

Into the cool silence

Of respectful recognition

Like the other

The outsider

Forever an absence

Weaving illusions with words

Of love and longing

Breathing like a machine

Of vacant gazes

Staring into the horizon

Of fleeting peripheral visions

The darkness is my home

I disappear

Into the home I imagine

A shell I carry like a Cross

We must bear the burden of our sins

And bleed to atone

In silence

I longed for you from a distance

Happy with your presence

On rare days.

I floated like a paper boat

On ripples in a calm lake.

A sense of desireless desire

A calm silence

And rituals of quiet madness

Now my longing has morphed

Into a delirious madness

Of desire and absence

Dancing in a trance

Wondering why presence

Leads to the deepest absence

Wondering why requited love

Too is full of grief

I wish to hold you

Deep inside the crevices

Of my aching heart

I can barely contain

The explosion of a mad desire

And dreams of our journey

Into a blackhole of

Pulsating desire to disappear

Into your being