Silent Beauty And The Lost Girl🚫

My entire life I was always at odds with my dad my entire child and teenage years.

We never got along. I took my mothers heart broken words and believed her. I hated him for years , when in all reality I knew I needed him but I was so far deep in my hatred for my dad I never stopped to realize he was not trying to ruin my life. He was actually trying to help better my life and our relationship .

For years I wanted to be close with my dad but never knew how to apologize or even know the right words to fix it.

One day I decided enough was enough I was gonna make things right and be close to my dad.

I texted my dad and asked if he some free time so we could talk. He replied and said " were free come on over were watching WrestleMania so we can watch together if you want".

When I read the message I got really excited . I thought to myself " this could be my only chance to fix it."

That same day 1 hour later I came over and I sat down next to him and looked at him and said while tearing up : I am so sorry , I always fought you because i was so mad you could not love my the way you love traci. I know its completely different but now after mending things with my mom . I wanted to be close with you too. So if we can have a clean slate starting today having a healthy relationship then I will leave here happy tonight"

My dad looked at me and just hugged me and said "you have nothing to be sorry for. You were a kid all that matters is now you want a change. i may not ever like cody but i love you fishy. You were my first born child . You are my baby girl I will always love you and protect you."

I started to cry and i gave my dad a big hug and I started to cry again.

It has been 5 years since we fixed our relationship.

One afternoon I came over and he asked to talk to me. I asked if everything was okay .he said kind of.

I will never forget the words he said to me that Saturday afternoon. "I can tell something is off about you. You look tired and run down. You look like you've lost weight again. I know I do not say it out loud enough or at all. You are a beautiful smart young women. You are a teacher , You are loved by so many but yet you still think you are not good enough. "

I looked up at my dad and tried to lie and say i was okay and i was just tired . He was not buying it and neither was my mom.

So I broke down little did I know this was my turning point and I broke my parent hearts more so my dads heart.

I looked at them and I said " fine , No i'm not okay . I have not been since 2020. Cody and I are literally falling apart and i can not fix it this time. No one will EVER love a mess like me. I am way too much to deal with and no man would love someone who has so many mental health issues an is a recovering eating disorder survivor. I am a mess and i am never enough. I have seizures for gods sake who9 would love a women whos like that........I hate me"

I looked at my parent and I saw my moms heart sink and I watched my dads heart slowly break as I kept talking about myself. After I finished talking i started to break down and completely fall apart. I realized in that moment i had no love for myself . Not even a shred.

My mom looked at me and said " Answer me honestly do you really feel like you are an unlovable to any other man? "

Me: Yes mom I actually believe what cody said I believe I am unlovable. I honestly feel like the ugly step child. I do everything for him. Why am i never enough for him? Why do i belive him less and less when he says he loves me. I smoke to numb the pain i feel. I have come to terms codys the only person who will ever love me. Loving him will be what kills me.

My mom hugged me as tight as she could and told me : you are not ready to accept your new reality and thats okay in time your heart will catch up your brain.

My dad hugged me and said i'm always welcome to come home .

the real question is when will i accept my new reality and how badly will it hurt when i do finally accept it.

To be Continued.....

These last two months have been incredibly stressful and rough . The craving for you and the relief of one line has been more intense as the days go on.

I’m at constant war with myself and I find myself fighting the urge more and more. When life gets hard I use to turn to you for relief all the time. You almost killed me but I still find myself wanting you more and more on my hard days.

I have alot of people who would be mad at me or disappointed if I were to bring you back. My therapist told me I’m stronger than the urge , sometimes I feel so weak I want to give I’m to the urge. I’ve been a year and half sober from you. Maybe one or two months sober from crushing my anxiety pills into dust.

With a lot of things feeling like they are coming to an end . The more I would anything to not feel anymore. I miss the instant relief you give but I don’t miss the overwhelming fear of death anytime I did give in. They say you’re stronger than your disease or your addiction but sometimes it feels like you’re on the brink of breaking and could have a weak moment.

Today I almost broke down and almost ruined a year and half of being sober because I can not deal with the fact my grandmother is dying an I have to stay in a place that no longer feels like home so my dying grandma can pass with family around and her not be alone . I’m making the best of both situations but fighting is just becoming exhausting.

Will the cravings for ever stop? Will I even make it these next 5 months? Is it all even worth it? Will I ever be free of you ? The only answer I have come to is I don’t know . I just don’t know anymore.

Because I have such a dangerous craving for you I now see my therapist 3 times a weeks . I bought a preroll instead.

One day I’ll beat you completely but as for today I beat the craving .

One day a women was talking to her her mom about what is going on with her. Her mom looked at her daughter thought ''she deserves so much better than this . She is so unhappy will she ever realize this on her own? or will she stay in unhappy place for someone who does not deserve her? " She knew her daughter was strong .

The mom looks to the daughter and says " This is the part in the movie where you see the main character content with what she has because she believes she is unlovable by anyone else and she believes that's the best she can do. Then suddenly the plot curves and throws her a curve ball . It throws her someone who makes her question absolutely everything about what she knows and what she maybe missing out on. The part where we all clearly see and are screaming at the screen to just leave the uncaring and neglectful boyfriend she has. The main character has a big heart and she believes in some way she can change him within the next few months but then she realizes she can not fix it this time . It falls in the hands of someone else. Her neglectful boyfriends hands to be exact. It breaks her heart because she knows deep down that he wont change but still is holding out hope. The women went by another motto "Well you know what they say about hope? It breed eternal misery." The part where she finally realizes what her parents and all her friends have said about him was right. "

The women cut off her mother and said " you guys were right about him, I have been blinded for so long by what my friend calls "Love Goggles" i refused to see how badly I was treating him and how badly he was treating me. We are toxic. I do not know what healthy love looks like and even if I were to have a chance at it . I would just ruin it. Who would even love a mess like me? I struggle to love myself. I struggle to even take care of myself. Not to mention a medical nightmare." The women did not realize it then but there was someone .

The women woke up the following morning and was brushing her hair and as she looked at herself and she started to realize she wanted and needed more than what she was getting. She also thought about everything and thought that maybe it was time she started to be happy with herself. she looked at her boyfriend and he thought changed as she looked at him she no longer saw her future husband, the future father of her children , the person she wanted so badly to have a future with since she was 16 years old. She no longer had butterflies when it came to thinking about him . the more she thought the more she realized a sinking feeling. It may not even last 5 more months. She feels stuck. trapped in a way. She knew if she was going to leave it had to be for herself not for her parents and not for someone else but for herself. The more she told herself she loved him the more it felt like she was trying to convincing herself she still loves him. The more he picked away at her flaws and the way he would put down her family made her more distant and angry she was with him. She knew if it boiled down to it and he made her pick between him or her family , She did not care how much it would hurt her , she would pick her family over him.

The place the women when she was a girl wanted so badly to call home now felt more like jail sometimes. She was stuck. She realized even if shed be alone she could no long live like this. Unhappy, Sad, Depressed and alone. A house full of people and she felt completely alone. Every time they slept together the more noticed there was no feelings there anymore, to her it felt meaning less an boring and it killed her. She did not feel the passion anymore. She felt the spark dulling like a lit candle. She feels so distant and so far away from him.

She looked at herself and thought why don't I ever get flowers? why doesn't he take me out anymore? why am I the one always planning something just for him to stay home and be on the computer? Why did he not even visit me in the hospital when I was there for 2 days? Why didn't he come pick me up from urgent care after I got stitches? why did he make me lyft? She became sad and angry all at the same time. The words of her friend were just replaying over and over " seems neglectful and like he does not care ".and "he can say he loves and cares all he wants but actions speak louder than words.'' He was right . Now those seem just like regular words to her now . He says I love you but I do not feel loved by him . He says he cares about me but I feel like a hassle and a job to him.

She thought about their relationship and realized that their chapter is coming to an end .

Though the women felt like one was ending . She had a feeling a new better chapter would not be far behind.

It was that part in the movie where the women finally realized her worth.

When you think about the future you have a set idea of what future you want. 7/10 times your idea of the ideal future changes the more you change and grow yourself. Some people swear they will stay with their first love. statistically its very rare to stay with your first ever love or first anything. Everyone has the ideal idea of the future. For some its marry and start a family young. Others its graduating from a 4 year college and starting a career. Others its having a career straight out of high school.

They say you have to have a motto in life mine used to be "make the smart logical choice even if your hearts not in it." I realize how wrong it was to have that motto. Now my new motto is "expect the unexpected." The past few months have reflected that motto a lot so its fitting.

Everyone also has the idea of who they think is perfect person. Some believe its the first person you fall in love with or your first everything. My idea of the man I want and need is drastically different from what I wanted and needed 6 years ago. The more I write about it the more I realize my first love will not be my last love or the person i start a life with . I wanted more than anything for him to be my husband but now I'm realizing there is a better person out there for me and for him. Sometimes what you really want and need is right in front of you. Sometimes its waiting in the friendzone , sometimes they are waiting on the sidelines while you slowly come to your senses.

Before I saw a very bleak black and white future knowing exactly how each year or day would go and I was okay with staying hidden with him. I was okay with the bare minimum because I thought I deserved that. I was okay with being ignored. I was okay coming second to a computer and i was used to feeling like a full time job and burden.

Then a few months ago that all changed. At first i thought it would go Absolutely no where. I remembered him as the guy i had a crush on in 7th grade and someone I went to school with, Turned out he knew how to hold an actual conversation. I Thought nothing of it at the time. As we talked more and more my opinion was constantly changing about him. I was going back and forth . Finally admitting to myself that he is a decent man. I started to unknowingly open up to him . The more we talked the closer he and I became. The safer and stronger I felt strangely. The more we talked the more I found myself liking him more and more. He started to open up to me. He started to show me a future i never thought possible. A future where I am actually happy . Where someone would be willing to care about me and willing to try and be with me mental health and all.

The more I denied my feelings for him the more exhausted I became and I knew I would not be able to hid it from him for very much longer. I admitted something to myself id been questioning and pushing down for so long. I have feelings for him. Some feelings I've never felt before. The one thing that has stuck with me is no matter what issue or problem I have thrown his way he's made not seem so bad or made me feel less crazy. How did I know for sure I had feelings for him and I could not deny it anymore? simple. March 2nd 2022 I had to get stitches and I was alone and scared, I told him I simply hated going to urgent care alone or doing any of that alone. He told me he wished he was with me so I was not alone and could be happy with someone like me . That night I knew I couldn't deny it anymore. No matter how hard I tried. Believe me I tried very hard.

Is apart of me scared that it wont work because of past trauma absolutely but I genuinely cant keep ignoring my heart. I did for 6 years and now because of this man I now see a future with all the colors of the rainbow not just black and white.

He is showing me a future I never thought I deserved or could have and for that I'm forever thankful.

He is the most unexpected and greatest thing to come my way.

He is the breathe of fresh air I didn’t know I needed.

In life were are told a million and one different things. They say if you are told or hear something more than once it must be true. Sometimes a phrase or something said can never be unheard. Sometimes it sticks with you. You replay the words over and over like record stuck on repeat. I've been told a lot of horrible thing during my 24 years of existing somethings that I will never forget even though I try so hard.

What story teller would I be if I did not tell you the most hurtful things said to me? A boring one.

When I was 12 my mother told me " If you can not love me or respect me then no man will ever be with you." At the age of 14 I was told by her I would " Because of where you chose to stay you're going to become Pregnant at 16 , on drugs by 18 and dead by 19" ,because I chose to stay with my dad. When I Turned 18 she told me that my boyfriend really didn't love me. For a very long time I thought it was true and i believed her. She has made her amends . We had a very toxic relationship until I turned 22.

When I was 18 my boyfriend told me I was too much and a lot to deal with. With every fight and argument the insults and jabs became worse and more hurtful towards each other. I will admit I was not always the best girlfriend and I said things I regret . The difference between him and I ,is I regret my words . He does not. Every time i had an episode I was told "No man in this world would put up with someone like you." " No one but me could every really love you. You are mental fucking mess. " " You are nothing without me " Your parents are just using you as a pawn to get to me , They don't really love you or want you around." For a very long time I believed him. No one but him could love me. I believed what he said about my parents so I shut them out for more than a year. hardest year of my life if I'm being honest. I know its not true. I am loveable and my parents do love me .

The difference between then and now. Then I 300% believed there was no one else for me but him. Now? I am starting to believe that some man other than him can actually love me for me . My mental health problems and all. The more I grow the more I see myself out growing the person I thought I would marry , have kids with and grow old with. Now I do not see those things with him anymore.

Now as I grow I find myself growing with someone I never expected to connect or grow with. We maybe just friends but he made me believe something I never thought I could ever believe . Being Loved by another. I deserve more than I'm getting . I deserve to be happy and not just settle. Not be happy ignorance. To be truly happy.

Not all the things said to me were bad some were things I needed to hear. " You have one of the most genuine souls ever. You are so much more . " " Because of you I know its possible to recover." " You changed my life for the better" " I vibe really well with you and I like you. I'm really glad we became friends." just to quote a few people.

What I've realized is anyone can say all the good and bad things to you but it really only matters if you believe what's being said.

Words can hurt but they also can heal you if its from the right person or people. Some people choose to stay hurt over words others choose to heal from the words. what did I choose hurt or heal?

I chose to heal instead of hurt.

Every one on planet earth has a metaphorical "tightrope" its line drawn in the sand for some , The beginning or ending of a journey , a road to recovery for others and so on.

This is about a women walking on the tightrope alone or so she thought.....

There was a women and a man who swore they would walk the tightrope together. He told her she would never have to walk it alone and for a while she did not walk the rope alone as long as he was there to catch her and she felt safe by that . In the beginning he held on to her so tight and as time went on He loosened his grip on her hand and slowly let started to let go. He knew she would not come down from the rope without him.

After a while they stopped walking the tightrope together. One would go and then the other would follow. She would have followed him anywhere he would go , do anything he said . She dedicated her life to loving and walking the tightrope with him. So much so the women lost sight of herself and only saw him and the tightrope. Without the him and the tightrope getting looser and looser. , he knew she would be nothing without it or him. He continued to loosen the tightrope causing the women to fall hard.

The women walked on the tightrope but every time she walked it alone she failed. She started to think maybe he was right . She did not know anything but him and the rope. Maybe he was right she was nothing without him. The women started to believe it. so much so she believed no one but the man would catch her.

Until One day the women walked the tightrope and she fell again. This time she was caught by someone from her past. she always thought no one would catch her . He caught her . She felt safe again but she also was hurt it was not the man she started walking the tightrope with. she asked herself why did he not catch the women if he loved her as much as he said he did?

The man from the past caught her from falling more times than she could count. Very unsure of the man from the pasts intentions were she took a chance and decided to trust the man from the past.

The women started to slowly get back up and back on to the tightrope. She was terrified because she knew she would be walking alone and no one was there to catch her, Or so she thought.

The man from the past and the women ended up finding a lot of common ground and she realized that she was helping the man from her past in some way walking his own tightrope. He felt the same way she did in some way or could relate . The man from the past made the women feel less lonely.

Again sad and heartbroken it was not the man she started walking with but she wished with every fiber of her being it was him sometimes. In some ways the man from the past showed the women that she was not alone even if she felt that way.

Before long they were walking the tightrope together. Even if majority of the time its the man from the past that catching her and helping her through whatever she is dealing with.

Still the women fears like everyone else he will get tired of her and “become too much” . He changed the way she saw herself. He tightened her tightrope . The Women said " lets hope I do not take 10 steps back." The man from the past laughed and said "then ill be right here to push you 17 steps forward."

With each passing day she took a few steps forward on her tightrope. She walked the rope again knowing if she fell the man from the past would catch her and she would catch him.

It’s 1 am and I can’t sleep because the same thing plays in my head over and over . I’m stuck between i love you and i hate you. The one question I always come back to is how did it become so complicated? This is very painful to write and admit but I need to get it out . I know you’ll never see it.

I still remember the first time we talked you made my sunny world at the time even brighter than i thought possible. I’ve have loved you for so long I don’t remember a time when I didn’t love you more than I love myself. For 5 years I put you before me and lost myself along the way. I’ve cried over you and about you several times . I probably will 100 times more. I wish you didn’t leave so many emotional bruises. I guess I like the pain…

It hurts to love you sometimes. I wish I could talk to you the way I used too. Not like you would listen anyways . I wish you still cared just a little bit more like you did before. As I write this tears come to my eyes and roll down my cheek. Trying to silently cry so I don’t wake up my friend ….i know you don’t mean to hurt me sometimes ? I wish you still took me on dates . Our last actual date was almost 3 years ago .Sometimes I feel like I need to be a computer to be noticed by you. Im always fighting for your attention in some way.i guess somethings never change . I wish you still looked at me the way you used but you don’t anymore. Writing this has made me realize I make all the effort . I fight for us but you don’t . Why don’t you fight for us?

They say nothing lasts forever . I lost who I was . I’m slowing getting there . I don’t know who I am. I wish more than anything you would understand. You stopped trying to understand me. You break my heart more than you know . Yes I maybe sensitive. Every fight , blow out or “heated conversations” I saw your love for me start to fade each time. Fight by fight we were slowly starting resenting each other.

When you do fight it’s the bare minimum of what was ask so I stay . So I don’t leave . Then when you notice I’m happy with the changes you go right back to doing the same cold hearted unsympathetic demeanor/ self.

It broke my heart that I had a better day because you were barely around . It kills me that I feel like I’m losing you but i know you think everything is fine and going really well. I could just be paranoid and insecure. How much more can we bend before we break? Why don’t you love me like you used too? Is my mental health really that bad? Why do I always have to put in the effort?

I refuse to lose myself loving you again. I’m starting to love myself more . I pray thing change. I can’t keep feeling like my heart is going to be ripped out of my chest . Is there such thing as loving someone too much?

They stick and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt you, but your words stab me like a knife . “No one will ever be able put up with you the way I do” “ if we ever break up you’re gonna live a lonely life “ “you make me a monster “ “you ruin a lot of things for me “ . “ good luck trying to find someone who can deal with you” When I would say something back it will become all out war of words sometimes worse. Getting in each other’s faces . Your words hurt more than I ever thought anyones could. You were my everything. I worshiped you . I would have said or done anything to make sure you stayed. I realize now how wrong that is. Im not the same girl you met at 16 . Im not the same girl you started dating when I was 18. Im not the same person I was 6 years ago and you still hold on to who that girl is . You were so connected to who I used to be.

I pray that things change . The balls in your court now . You’ve dried , wiped or dabbed the same tears away caused by you but you would never know . How long do I hang on before I fall? How much longer are you gonna keep breaking my heart? You were supposed to be my safe place to land the you stopped . I thankfully found a friend who is a safe place to land, you don’t like that. You asked me what about my friend was so great . Why i talk to him instead of you sometimes ? Simple my friend listens , helps me , let’s me feel sad but also show me the world isn’t that bad, it’s just a bad day but at same time you really just don’t care.you would rather just play computer than try to fix it. You say the only thing wrong with us “are my emotional and black out attacks” I wish you cared but sadly you just dont. 6 years and I’m wondering why am I staying ? You’re supposed to love me at my worst but you only seem to love me at my best.

I’m broken , dented , drained , extremely sad and broken hearted . Why did you stop trying? I imagined us getting married , having kids , spending the rest of our lives together but day by day , fight by fight , argument after argument that dream slowly dwindles away and at times so does my love for you. I hate myself for believing you because I truly believe no one but you could ever love me . We used to have all the colors of the rainbow but everyday feels like a never ending storm .

You tell me all the time we’re the perfect definition of bent but not broken. We’re more than just bent. Eventually the bend will break.

I’m broken, lost and alone trying to navigate my feelings and control them . Navigate through this mess I’m feeling . I’m losing control again . You’re like a drug to me toxic and addictive . You loved that in my eyes no one could replace you but the older I get and the more sense of self I get the more I understand….I hate saying that. I really do. I do love you but I’m starting to love me more.

I hope and pray things change and get better and if they don’t . I promised myself I deserve better and I will leave if nothing changes .

I love you but I love me more…..💔❤️‍🩹

I found myself looking at myself while brushing my hair an I could only think one thing. Am I ever enough ? I started to see my eyes well up with tears. I know the answer. I am not enough.

I am lost . I'm sad . I'm very scared.

I do not know how to handle some things right now. I shut down. I shut out the world. I feel like no one understands.

My darkness is back and I'm trying so hard to find the the light again. I take all my medicine . I take my anti depressant to keep me chemically okay. I'm losing control and fast.

I'm struggling really hard with not falling back into my old habit. I fight everyday. I'm tired. I’m exhausted. I’m lost.

I live in a house full of people but I feel incredibly alone.

I have a friend. He is a really good one but I can not help but think will he leave too? No one ever stays. I become too much to deal with is what I'm told. I can only hope he stays. in some ways I kind of need him. He is really the only one who understands. I really need someone.

All my demons are attacking at once and I just want the world to stop for a second. I found some colors today . I get to see three of my best friends the only people I have here .

I feel like the perfect storm. A huge mess but days like today make me cherish all my days that are colorful and fun . My life has never been easy it’s always had a storm to wether from almost losing my dad to losing my aunt who I loved more than anything to losing my grandfather and not being able to say goodbye or even I love you one last time . He was my favorite person. To now losing my grandma who is the most amazingly beautiful woman.

It feels even darker today. Everything has set in . It hurts . I’d take physical pain over the emotional pain I’m feeling right now it would be less painful.

One day I’ll find the light at the end of the tunnel.

We live in a day and age where men are threatened by women having a voice and power.

"women should be seen and not heard" " You're better when you don't express your opinion " " you're place is in the kitchen and laundry room"

As children were taught what boys can do and is okay for girls and not okay. Growing up I always wanted to be one of the boys. I wanted to play in the mud, I wanted to rip my tights , I wanted to let my hair down. I wanted to jump in the fall leaf's. My dad would never let me play like one of the boys . I always had more rules growing up than my brothers. " Courtney you need to brush your hair every night and every mornings so you don't get knots " it was even worse with my mother. I knew at dads I had some freedom. I didn't always have to wear a dress . at my mothers it was like I was a doll. I could only wear skirts and dresses and my hair was always half up half down. Which now to this day I hate wearing my hair half up and half down.

With my mother I had to be what felt like the perfect girl. Like a porcelain doll. Not a hair out of place. She always told me " beauty is pain and pain is beauty"

I remember asking my mother why I had to do so much more than my brother. She just said " girls and women always have to do more . that's why we wear make up and do our hair all nice. That's why we get our nails done perfect manicure . we do more because were supposed to do more." I thought to myself no way my step mom does not do all of this and she is just as pretty and just as confident . She is seen and heard . She wore sweat pants and her hair in a bun . My mother was always dressed up and wore make up. I never saw her wear sweats unless it was to go to bed.

She always told me " Women should be seen and not heard." she lived by that saying back then. I never understood this because I was never quite . I was told all the time " Courtney be quiet" " Courtney sit up straight, fix your ponytail, read more books , hand behind your back or interlocked Infront , you can not play on the playground you're wearing a dress. "Soo I asked why I had to read more if I was just supposed to be seen ? and why I was not allowed to play on the playground with a dress as I saw another little girl in a dress playing in the sand. I was very jealous. My mother told me " men like smart women just not as smart as them. Its also not lady like to play on the play ground in a dress. " I loved reading and playing in the sand.

When I turned 8 I told my mother I wanted to play outside with these two other boys and she always said " only if you bring your brother and cover up I don't want them staring". I started to think something was wrong with my body.

She would always make me wear a shirt over my swim suit so the boys didn't stare. They just stared more. I was taught the older I got the more I have to cover. the more i started to hate myself year by year. day by day. month by month.

I turned 12 and got to middle school and I didn't have the coolest clothes . I never had skin tight jeans until my 7th grade year. In 8th grade I " showed " more skin. seen but not heard. still covering up because I still hated what I saw. All I could think about was my mothers voice saying " been seen not heard" .

The older I got the more I was told to be seen and not heard the more mad I became. It made me rebel more. I became louder, More opinionated , and at the same time more aggressive . I set out to prove I could also be one of the guys. seen but not heard. I played soccer it was my chance to escape the normals of being a girl . I could get dirty and it not atter, I could sweat and not get yelled at , i could be agressive and not get trouble. ( still managed to get and 6 yellow cards and 3 red cards in my whole soccer career. I was " too aggressive")

In high school the dress code became more lax. I was able to branch out more. Not that I did. I layered shirts , I tied my jeans to make them look like skinny jeans . In classes they started to ask us what our opinion was on women in power. I hoped to god she would not call on me . I thought I did not have an opinion . I was always taught not to have one or mine doesn't matter .

The teacher went around the room and asked what the guys thought of women coming into more power and the girls were asked what we thought about men having all the power. It turned into a debate.

I hoped she did not call on me . One I did not like talking in front of people , and Two I thought I did not have opinion or mine didn't matter. She called on me. " miss O'Shaughnessey what do you think about men having most the power? what's your opinion ? "

I was terrified to give my real opinion . I took a shot in the dark and decided i had nothing to lose. My dads also not here to tell me my opinion is wrong or doesn't matter.

" Well to be quite honest my entire life I have been told to been seen and not heard. Mainly now by my dad. I think men have way too much power. So much so they feel threatened by a women if she is in the same playing field or job field. in this world there is no such thing as equal . it kill or be killed. fight or flight. winner or loser. I think its time women to be both seen and heard. I will be seen and heard. I'm tired of being seen and not heard. Girls are more than just pretty faces. our place in this world goes beyond the kitchen and laundry room. We will have a seat at every table one day. women are not going anywhere . Thank you for letting me express my opinion . "

when I turned 18 I was sick of my dad telling me" Your opinion does not matter " I told him he was absolutely right. I realized my opinion mattered just not to him or my family even some of my friends "I said you are right about one thing my opinion does not matter to you. I am going to give my opinion on things . I am your daughter, I am loud, opinionated and I should said this along time ago fuck you and your opinion. . " As I grew into my 20's I gave my opinion more and more. Using my voice more and more so much so I get labeled "annoying" . losing more and more people. I stand here today at 24 years old still very opinionated , Still loud . I never became one of the boys but that's okay.

I mean after I do love to be seen and more than likely you'll hear me too .

I am my fathers daughter.

I always come on here to pour my heart out and let it because i do not have an outlet. Well I'm going to tell you a story about a girl who lost all control and is now a year sober.

The girl is very smart , she may lack common sense sometimes but she wouldn't be who she is if she didn't. She is beautiful she would use it to her advantage at times in her dark days.

One summer /fall/winter she lost all contorl. in every aspect . Her life was on pause due to the virus. she literally had nothing to lose. She was really mad one night and that night kick started her bender she was on for 6 months. She was very good at hiding it.

When she would do those lines she was snorting away any and all problems. She was never home and would stay awake for days at a time. When she would sleep it would be all day or late into the next day. She thought about stopping because every time she felt like she would die but she did not want to deal with the pain.

The lines would bring her a sense euphoria but one night jack Daniels and the snow was not enough . she added something magical to the mix she tripped for 2 days. The girl wondered if she was addicted or just having fun.

The answer was she was secretly addicted. No one knew , she liked it that way. It was a Sunday. the last day in January. Sundays she would go see her mom dad and sister. Her mom was on her way to pick her up. She figured she had enough time to feed the craving and she should be okay for a few hours. Little did the girl know she was in for it with her mom.

Her mom is at her house waiting outside. The girl is ready and gets in the car and her mom looks at her and says " How long do you plan on keeping this a secret from me . I was not born yesterday. How long have you been doing this????? " they just drove and talked. The girl could see the pain in her moms face and it broke her heart but she kept on going. " you are already playing a dangerous game with anorexia now your just adding to this . I know you're in pain and hurt " (she hit me with the one thing she knows will break me and get a point across. She pulled the sister card.) But please who's your sister gonna lean on if you die?! im not ready to give you up and put you 6 feet under . i just got you back i can not lose you again. Stop being selfish please . "

The girl broke completely . She never thought about what it could do to the ones who loved her the most. The girl did not think it was possible to stop it but when her mom said " If you cant stop for you. Do it for your sister. she needs you." That was enough for her.

You're wondering if the girl ever did kick the habit? well the answer yes she did.

Today i have been one year sober from that habit. It hasn't been easy nut its possible . especially when no one knows you were even recovering from it or even did it. I almost went back a few times . But god i like to think sent me a life saving friend , He absolutely was right its not worth it to throw all the progress away just to not feel. If it weren't for her bringing this person into her life and her sister needing her around. she would have thrown it all away. She still stands and still fights even when shes tired.

Im proud of myself.

When I first met you everyone told me to stay away from you . I should of listened , but I know what being alone felt like so I became your friend. That was the worst mistake I’ve ever made . I do not regret a lot of things in life but I regret meeting you.

For a long time you prayed on how nice I was . You knew I couldn’t be rude or mean to you because it wasn’t who I was . You knew that and you took advantage of it . Before long you were everywhere I turned . You became relentless. It didn’t matter how many times I told you I was seeing someone and I didn’t feel the same way. You ignored it and continued to make me uncomfortable.

I was beginning to feel powerless. Alone. I became powerless to you. I told you to leave me alone many time but to no avail nothing was working. I began to realize I didn’t matter how many people I had also tell you to leave me alone because you weren’t listening to me. I eventually found solis in a new job and made sure to tell people I knew wouldn’t tell you . Eventually you were everywhere I was again. I was losing control and quickly. You found out where I worked and you show up to my work. Knowing I couldn’t be rude or tell you to leave . I blame you for my anxiety being so bad . You made everywhere I went unsafe .

We were one month away from graduation. To me the month couldn’t come fast enough. I only had to deal with you for one more month. Little did I know you’d make that month a living hell. You gave me gifts , knowing I had a boyfriend. Even he couldn’t get you to leave me alone so I had no choice but to involve the school and the school officer . I had the chance to press charges but I was talked out of it because “you were only 18 and that would ruin your life.” For a long time I beat myself up over the fact that I listened to them and didn’t press charges . You ruined everything for me . They bared me from every senior activity. I fought for my right to walk across that stage . They were gonna take that away . So I agreed “ to be bared from all senior activities besides graduation in the best interest of my safety”

For a long time I was afraid of you . You took my peace , my feelings of safety and comfort. I hated you . I still do but it’s 6 years later and I ran into at a bar . I left scared and feeling that helpless paranoid feeling. I started to realize I was giving you all the power . I decided to take back the power . You came to the bar with a group of what looked like friends. I knew the bouncer and security crew. If you so much as said hello they would warn you . You surprisingly got yourself kicked out. All I could think was it was sweet karma finally biting you. After a while I found out I wasn’t the only one you did this too.

I don’t tremble in fear anymore when I see you. I hold the power. Still to this day you try to follow my life but that’s why they have a block button. I can handle myself . You even tried to drag my name through the mud . Yeah that didn’t work so well . My reputation speaks for itself.

I thank god every day for giving me the power to take my peace , my safety and my comfort. My ability to enjoy a night out without feeling so genuinely scared the only place that was safe was home. I took it all back. As they say checkmate I win.

in a world with alot of mental health problems , She understood that the world needed help. She asked herself , " If i am the one who helps everyone out of their darkness , Then whos gonna help me? " She understood that she was very loved and cared about but she has so much darkness in her it scares her to the point where she tries to hide and tries to become someone she is not.

She can only run from the darkness for so long before it catches up to her . The more she ran the bigger her darkness became. She's lost and scared. her depression was worsening and so was her anxiety, her demons were coming to the surface. She couldn't hold off the darkness any longer. Before she knew it she let her darkness and demons take over. She became the queen of her own darkness which later on would drive her into madness. It started with her hair. She changed it drastically She went from dirty blonde to jet black. Her make up became darker, Her skin was porcelain , She wore black lipstick. Her clothes all became dark colors. For a few years you wouldn't see her wear any color but navy blue, black, white or grey. She hid. No one recognized her. She was okay being a ghost to the world. She was never a ghost like she thought. If anything her outward darkness brought more attention to her stand out more.

In Some ways the her darkness kept her safe. Kept people way she they couldn't hurt her. Soon the darkness became who she was , or so she thought. She saw no life with with light or colors. Her world was just black and white. She was scared to let the colors in. She knew it would be scary but the question became does the queen of darkness want to have a black and white or a world full of color including black and white. She stopped writing. She threw all caution to the wind she simple just did not care. She did not care who or what she lost. The darkness made her someone she did not want to be. The darkness drove her to a drug she swore she would never touch to ease the pain and keep the nightmares at bay. It kept her awake for days at a time one summer. She came very close to over dosing . She almost died yet she still did not care.

For a long time she was not ready to let the colors in. She was not ready to let go of the "safety" that was the darkness. She had followed the madness of the darkness for so long but something was missing she felt like. she asked herself every day " when will this madness end? does it ever end? will it ever end?" she did not know it yet but she was ready for the colors of the rainbow. she was ready for all the colors of life. She did not want to be the queen of darkness anymore.

She slowly started letting the colors in . It started with her adding colors to her wardrobe , her make up became less heavy less dark , she changed her hair from black to copper. She let the colors in , She let the rainbow in. She decided it was time to come out of hiding.

She found a love for writing again. She found a new love for life. She stopped trying to please everyone and was done being a doormat. She does not have alot of friends but she likes to keep her circle fall. She found a friend who would let her feeling the darkness but taught her it would not be easy but its worth it. She found a friend who keeps motivating her to not give no matter how much she really really wants too. To keep her from ruining her life.

She is slowly fining her way to who she's supposed to be. She does not know who will with her when she finds herself but as long as she has herself shell be okay. She found her way out of the darkness an is enjoying the colors of life. She knows how fleeting these days can be , when she has a really good day she cherishes it more. She began to understand the saying " its a bad day not a bad life."

The darkness became her madness.

I love you ma.

Finding the words are very hard . I’ve written and rewritten this so many times. Every word this hurts the same . Like a dagger straight into my heart. You’re time on earth is coming to and end but I pray to god you hold on longer. I also know you’re in a lot of pain . I never thought I’d actually lose you one day. I’m staying strong for dad because seeing him this way breaks my heart.

I will never forget all the summers and spring breaks I would come spend with you . They were some of the best times in my life . We bonded and our relationship got stronger . Unbreakable. You call me your hug -a -bug because I always wanted a hug or was giving someone a hug. No one but you calls me that. Now when I hear the nickname I start to tear up . I haven’t felt this heart broken since the summer of 2015/2016. Year when I lost my aunt.

Listening to you talk about me to your friends or family made me feel more beautiful than I ever have. You would say “ oh Brenda you should see how good she looks , beautiful porcelain skin , eyes that shine like blue diamonds . She is everything I hope and more she would be . She remind me of a perfect porcelain doll. Not a hair or eyelash out of place .” You always said you felt I cared a little bit more than the rest of your grandkids .

In school I would get made fun of for spending summers or any vacation with you. It didn’t bother me because one day I knew I would look back and cherish every summer , every Christmas, ever spring break because I knew it would be my last time . You left for New York so you could get better . You came back healthy . Then you wanted to be on your own. I’m blame cameron for alot . He left you alone many times so he could get high or drunk. He almost got you evicted, but with your heart your u wanted to make sure he was safe . When in all reality it was him supposed to be making sure you weren’t hurt or needed help .

Knowing you don’t have a lot of time left hurts me so bad. It all hit me like a brick yesterday when I saw my dad . I’m not ready for you to leave this world . Why couldn’t you have taken better care of yourself ? I’m so mad but at the same time I understand. Seeing how you look in pictures breaks my heart so much I can’t look at the pictures. I love you so much ma and that will never change.

My only wish and request is I want to be able to say goodbye. I can’t lose another grandparent without saying goodbye . My heart literally aches knowing the state your in. I know when your time is here know I forgive you and it’s okay to let go. I will always be you porcelain doll and your hug a bug .

As I wipe my eyes while writing . You mean more to me than anything on this planet . I’m ready for you to not be in pain anymore. I’m not ready for you to leave me . I had to stop several times while writing because when I think about you it hurts . I was the best granddaughter I could be .

I hope your proud of me and everything I’ve done. I’m so sprouts to call you my grandma . The things I will miss the most are your stories about things you tried to do alone. The Rose bush and the mole people . Lol.

I will never regret all the time I spent with you . All the summers we would laugh , watch the sun come up or watch it go down. Letting me play cards with your gfs . Letting me meet and be so close to all of your friends .

You are everything to me and more ,

To infinity and beyond ♾

Love always ,

A letter to my little brother,

I don’t know where to start . I’ve written snd rewritten this so many times . I don’t think I’ll ever have the right words to say . We used to be so close . Idk maybe that was the problem. We had our own world . It was safe to only rely on each other or in our case you relied on me more than I did you . So much has gone wrong in just the last 6 years. You are still the same . You never liked the truth . You still don’t . You were never the same after I started seeing Cody. You told me I was no better than our mother . You said I “abandoned you and left you alone to survive on your own.” At the time I thought you were just acting out because I left . Now I know it’s because you feel like I’ve completely left you alone in the world to deal with things . It wouldn’t matter how many times I said I’m sorry because truth is I’m not sorry for having my own life . I guess that’s my weakness . Helping my family even if it hurts me . You think we’re playing some game. “Who can hurt the other the most” truth is if it were a game. You would be winning. You’ve hurt mean more than I’ve hurt you. Your inability to let go of the past makes you toxic. You still think life has no consequences for you. You are about to lose your family and you don’t seem to care. Another hard truth you care more about weed than literally your own kid. You’ve fallen victim to your addiction. For so long you don’t think there is a problem. I wish you could see the world through different eyes.

You have done so much damage I would be in the right to walk away and never talk to you again. I can’t do that. The good in me wants to believe you’ll change for your son since you could not do it for you. That truly breaks my heart . You say time and time again you never hurt any of us . I don’t think you can even comprehend let alone feel anything for what you did . I always blamed myself for our relationship being so bad. I never gave you enough credit. I gave you too much credit in all reality. What hurts the most? You took one of the most traumatic times in life and rub my inability in my face. You always say “you hate me because I can have a kid and I have a family . I have everything you ever wanted.” Who doesn’t want a family of their very own?

You hurt me . More than our own mother did . You think me struggling to survive is a grab for attention. You make it very hard . You will never see this so I can say whatever I want . I’ll continue to be respectful. I hate we can never be civil. I try so hard to be a good older sister but you make it impossible. So much so you made me believe the worst insecurities about myself everyone see and thinks about me too.

I could go on and on but in all reality I just needed to get it off my mind because it’s been driving me crazy. I hope you all the best in life . I hope you change . I hope you grow up for your son. I hope you cut the bullshit . I’m sorry you don’t want to watch me succeed the way I want you too. I am truly happy for you . I love you , but I love myself more and I value my sanity more. I hope you change .

Love always,

when I was a little girl I thought my world would be just like the movies. When I went to school I always did well in English. To this day I remember the question she asked us before the bell rang. "If you had one chance to go back in time and tell your 5 year old self? most importantly would you go back?

When I got home I had nothing to do but the Essay questions. Something about the questions really got to me. I asked myself those two questions over and over. I wrote several drafts . No words I wrote seemed to work or fit. I finished the assignment none the less. It was not the best work I have done.

Fast forward 6 years. I find myself asking myself those two nagging questions again. If I could go back in time and tell my 5 year old self what would it be? Would I want to go back and tell her anything ? The answer is the same as it was 6 years ago when I was a senior.

Yes i absolutely would go back in time and tell her a few things. This is what i would do and say.

dear 5 year old Me,

hello , Its been awhile . You look so happy and care free. You miss your mom alot and you really do not understand what is going on between your mom and dad. Im here to tell a few things . listen and put on your bravest face its time to be strong.

1: You will not understand for a very very long time why your parents are not together anymore. You will have to grow up faster than you thought . Your brother needs you. Right now mom can not be a mom and thats okay. That will make you very mad but try your best to just be a kid. Its gonna be harder than you thought.

2: This is gonna sound bad but do not listen to your mom . She is trying to be okay and be a mom . She wont be who you want her to be until later on in life. Better late than never.

3: Because you had to grow up so fast it made you resent your parents all of them for always blaming you for your brothers failures.

4: You think right now an will for a while its you and Cameron against the world. Its not . you will come to regret when you get older and find yourself that you wished you did not see things that way. He will ruin any relationship you have with a man later on when your a teenager and start having boyfriends.

5:The older you get the more you'll lose who you are. Do not attach yourself to people they come and go. You will lose touch with reality when you turn 18. Just go back home.

6: You will start to hate what you see looking back at you. Be nicer to yourself as you get older.

7: Those boys you think their opinion matters . their opinion does not matter . half of them will forget you because you do not look the same.

8: Actually recover .

9: Anorexia will ruin your life. She is not your friend like she says she is, She will be the reason you lose a lot.

10: you matter more than you could ever know. Everyone will tell you that it not okay to be okay but in all reality its definitely okay to not be okay.

I can not change any of the past what I can do is promise you that I will fight every day for a better future.

that I can promise .

The girl in the mirror.

Everyday we are given two options hot or cold , left or right , wrong or right , happy or sad , sink or swim smart or stupid , big or small . Love yourself or hate yourself. Win or lose . Love it or leave it .when we pick what we want it starts to set a line . This is about a girl and her journey. Through high school to now.

There was this 14year old girl she was getting ready for her first day of freshman year . She was so excited, she picked out what she thought was the perfect first day of school outfit . She tamed her hair so it was flat and sleek and no one could make fun of her frizzy hair . The girl was naïve and a trusted the world just a little too much. As the year progressed so did the girls mental health but she didn’t know it yet. She hid behind the anger at her mother as a way to not deal with anything. She thought the year would be smooth sailing but in all reality it was a ship wreck . The girl passed the time by joining the soccer team . Still she felt inadequate because she knew she hasn’t been playing longer than other girls training or as good . For a short time she felt bliss . She made the soccer team , she found an outlet for her anger and she had some good friends. Little did she know some of people she called “friends “ stabbed her in the back more times than she’d like to admit . Then the storm came . She broke her ankle and couldn’t do anything, she felt everyone staring. She let a tear roll down her cheek as she knew her season for soccer was over . It killed her to not be able to play. Then comes the spring and her freshman year is at an end . She survived. She wished she thrived more . Each year from then on she slowly hated more what she saw in the mirror . She said wanted to break the mirror.

The sophomore. The girl dreaded the day she had to go back. The girl had her brothers but slowly over that year and the rest of her high school years she would lose all identity of herself. The girl became known as “the twins sister “ or later on “Cameron’s sister “ . She was never just herself . She lost all hope . She was a ticking time bomb of emotions just waiting to explode. She started failing school . She almost got herself suspended from playing soccer . She cared more about her friends than she did her grades . She saw them slip but she didn’t care . She met a boy . She liked him a lot and she thought he liked her too but she was so wrong . The boy was just using her to get to someone else. Little did she know this would kick start her sever depression. The year came to a close and she met 3 people who would change her life forever. These boys would be her saving grace . That summer her reflection was something she didn’t hate but also didn’t love her either . She kept telling herself while she stared at herself . “ what do I not have , that they have “ “no one ever noticed me I was always known as (Kayla’s friend) “ she lost herself. She didn’t recognize what she saw in the Mirror staring back at her,

The junior . She had an amazing summer with her group of friends. Everything started out very well the first few months . She felt her best friend slipping away . She didn’t know how sad and lonely her best friend felt and there was nothing she could do . Her best friend shut her out . The girl was hurt , heart broken and lost without her best friend. The girl felt pains in her chest , like her heart was actually breaking in two . Still very lost the girl stood with her best friend even if her best friend didn’t want her too. Later as the year progressed so did the girls depression and she felt a very new powerful and harmful feeling. Suicidal. She couldn’t find a reason to live. She had the same routine every day . Wake up , get ready , go to school , go home , do homework, keep Mom and dad happy , don’t think about your friend break up , tv and go to bed . That night the girl was watching her little sister sleep soundly and peacefully. She looked at her and prayed to god that he never let her fell the way her older sister did . As she looked at herself her reflection was talking back to her . The voice got so loud she went to bed every night in tears . She was even more lost and she was alone , no one understood. She kept asking herself one question “why am I still here . No one would even notice I was gone .” She was her own worst enemy. That summer changed her life . She lost her aunt who she was very close with . She never got to say goodbye. She was so heartbroken she didn’t leave her living room couch . The worst part she found the news out alone . Her parents were gone with her sister for a soccer tournament. She slept in her parents bed while she cried herself to sleep . The girl didn’t leave her house for over two weeks . She ate nothing but chili. Her parents came home and made her get up and go out no matter how hard it was for her . She went to a friend birthday but she hid in the bathroom or garage when she broke down. She felt empty , like nothing , numb to any and all feelings . The girl looked at herself . She wiped her eyes and started to put on her “happy face” . She looked pretty , strong , confident and happy but in all reality she was ish it would all just stop .

The senior , she had a rough summer but she knew this was her last year of highschool. She was excited for a new start . She found solis in someone she never thought about puke pick her up when she falls . They were each other’s rocks that year. The girl did absolutely everything she could to enjoy her final year. Little did she know her dream senior year would turn into a living nightmare. The girl was excited for homecoming float as she did it every year. During practice she saw a boy . He looked sad and a lone . The girl started walk over to him and she was stopped by a couple of her friends warning her to “be careful he is so creepy and he’ll take advantage of how nice you are now . Stay away from him” she brushed it off as it was nothing. That was the biggest mistake of her life , she slowly noticed how weird , attached and creepy he was as the float progressed. She got her very first real job. She felt on top of the world . The boy started to follow her , he always would sit next to her if they had a class together. She felt like she was being watched all the time. Being nice was her greatest mistake . He made her feel unsafe at one of the safest places you can be . The girl got home from park one day and said to herself as she stared at herself . The voices in her head kept saying the same thing “being nice only gets you in trouble “ “being nice gets you a stalker “ “being nice caused you to lose everything “ . There was no escape for her . Not even her work was safe for her. The boy asked her if she wanted to hangout and she said no . The boy bought her things and she felt more caged in . One day the girl came home from school as she only had 3 classes . He mother looked at her and said “ hey do you work today ?” He girl softly said “no not today “. Her mother looked at her and said “you don’t seem okay . What’s going on ? You never leave the house anymore unless it’s to go to school . It’s not like you .” The girl said “ nothing I’m just tired “ her mom said “ wrong try again . What is really going on?” She told her mother in everything. Her mother was shocked . A few months pass and the girl is enters her final two months of high school. She became a TA for two teachers and had one academic class . The boy would not leave her alone . The girl had a chance to graduate early and not go to school but her parents didn’t want her to miss out on any of the senior activities. She went to school and the teachers she would TA for told her she only had be there 50.% of the time. Those last two month were two she would never forget . Her and her friend went to the school officer and talked . They later called a meeting telling her parents it would be in her best interest if she didn’t go to any senior activities . She was mad . She didn’t want to do any of the activities but now the option was taken from her . She demanded they not take away walking across the stage for her high school diploma. They agreed she should walk across the stage .

Fast forward 6 years . The girl is now 24 years old . She lives on her own , she’s a teacher , she struggles but she always gets back up. She still struggles with loving herself and what she sees in the mirror. She still feel alone and scared . She still doesn’t really know who she is . She realized all this time she never knew who she really was . She’s been through hell and back many times . She fights everyday …. Even on days she wants to give up . She looked back at herself and said “I’ll know who I am one day . It may take some time but you can find your new self again. Let go of the old you . She’s never coming back and that’s okay. What’s also okay? Not to be okay. Give it some time girl breathe out .”.

Every day the reflection we see changes . Minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day . She’s exhausted but she knows she still has to fight . She’s drained from being the “strong friend “ . No one listened to her and her pain. Did she ever love herself ? Even if for a few seconds . She did but she was incredibly unhealthy… her view of herself to this day is very shattered and broken . She feels like a broken mirror. She takes medicine to make her okay . She smokes to lessen the noise . She would revolve her life around teaching and work . Just like she revolved her life around her friends In high school . With either of them she felt inadequate. She still hears the voices , she still deals with Ana . This time she actually wants help. She wants to love what she sees without hiding behind make up , one day maybe not today or tomorrow but one day she will love what she sees and smile and say “it was worth the fight” while she looks at herself with pride and accomplishment. Even broken mirrors can be fixed…..

01/27/2022 5:42 am.