i'm so sorry.
but i can't do this anymore. i just can't. i love you guys, you know that, right? but i can't.. i simply can't. Â

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@silencemayday
i'm so sorry.
but i can't do this anymore. i just can't. i love you guys, you know that, right? but i can't.. i simply can't. Â

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don't you understand?
you took everything from me. everything. my ideas, my codes, my graphics, my board.. everything. you just took it away from me. you went ahead and deleted my accounts and took everything away from me. don't you understand how much that hurts? having everything taken away from you like this? you couldn't even wait for two weeks. two weeks. for the first time in months we talked and talked and talked and agreed.. that i would come back. in two weeks. after my project for college was done. and i was so happy yesterday night.. such a weight lifted from my shoulders.. finally finished my project.. might even be positive.. and i want to login and i find out that you deleted everything. why would you do that? and even if i come back now.. if. don't you understand how much this hurts? how painful it is? that you had no trust in me at all. when i promised. i promised you. and i trusted you. with all my heart. not because of the board. because of our friendship. you remember? the one before i even introduced you to it? i can't.. ich kann nicht mehr. ich kann das nicht mehr tun. ich kann einfach nicht mehr.. i can't go on like this.. und ich will auch nicht mehr. ich will einfach nicht mehr. Â
In a perverse way, I was glad for the stitches, glad it would show, that there would be scars. What was the point in just being hurt on the inside? It should bloody well show.
Janet Fitch -Â White Oleander
I have never felt the urge to jump off a bridge, but there are times I have wanted to jump out of my life, out of my skin.
David Levithan, The Realm of Possibility (via ponceau)

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Let the skyfall
Syria Disappears from the Internet
Via AllThingsD:
A few hours ago, Syria, the Middle Eastern country in the middle of an especially bloody civil war, disappeared from the Internet.
The research firm Renesys, which keeps track of the status and health of the technical underpinnings of the Internet around the world, just reported that at 10:26 UTC this morning â which, by my watch, would have been 5:26 am ET â effectively all of Syriaâs international Internet connectivity shut downâŚ
âŚThe Associated Press (via the Seattle Times) has a report citing Syrian activists saying that the government has cut off Internet and wireless phone connections in and around several neighborhoods of the capital city of Damascus. There have been some clashes there between government forces and the rebels.
Syria watchers are using the hashtag #SyriaBlackout on Twitter for updates and news.
Image: Akamai Traffic to Syria, via AllThingsD which reports that âall 84 blocks of IP addresses assigned to Syria have gone unreachable.â
i'm going out tonight. i'm gonna drink myself to death.
maybe it will hurt a little less.Â
einmal frage ich um eine chance..

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Iâm not gonna sit around and waste my precious divine energy trying to explain and be ashamed of things you think are wrong with me.
Esperanza Spalding (via creatingaquietmind)
ââExcuse me,â she asked. âCan I buy you a coffee?â
    It was a nice surprise. Most people donât buy me cups of coffee, and I was just sitting at the Starbucks trying to plot my novel. So it was kind of charming, to have a cute girl offer to buy me a free drink. I told her sure. She brought me a nice iced chai, and sat down next to me, and then asked, âSo have you heard about Jesus?â
    Now, as it turns out, Iâm a Christian, so Iâm not opposed to Jesus -â but it was a little disappointing to realize this drink wasnât done out of niceness, but as a sort of recruiting tool. Maybe Iâd have been into a religious discussion if sheâd said, âHey, letâs have a philosophical talk,â but as it was, I felt a little betrayed. So I said that I wasnât interested, as politely as I could (for I was sipping a delicious drink), and returned to my plotting. The next day, another girl: âHey, can I buy you a coffee?â
    This time, I was trying to work out a difficult programming solution in my mind, and she asked me at exactly the right moment to have all of my thoughts collapse like a house of cards. âAre you just going to ask me about Jesus?â
    âOh, no,â she said, reassuring me. âItâs just that I think youâre cute.â And she was kind of pretty. ââŚall right,â I said, guardedly. She bought the coffee. Sat down at my table.
    âBut if you were wondering about JesusâŚâ she said earnestly, and I ejected her from my table. I kept the drink, though. It seemed cruel, but she had been stupid enough to buy it for me even though I didnât want it.
    Over the next week, it just got worse. Two or three times a day Iâd be deep in thought, trying to focus on this tangled plotting that I needed to resolve, and some woman would tap me on the shoulder to offer me a cup of coffee. I couldnât concentrate, because sometimes they were very insistent: âYou sure you donât want a coffee, sweetie?â theyâd ask, sometimes lurking over me after Iâd refused them, just in case I changed my mind. Sometimes they just bought the coffee for me anyway, without even asking me if I wanted it, plopping themselves across the table from me and yammering on about being saved.
    It was affecting my concentration. I started to tense up at the Starbucks, waiting for the next Jesus freakâs interruption. If it was a regular thing, like an hourly interruption, then maybe I could have worked around it, but it was erratic. Some days, Iâd have four or five at once, other days Iâd be blissedly free of interruption. But I had to be continually braced for the next hand on my shoulder, knowing that no matter what I was doing theyâd be bursting into my personal space. I wrote less, my programs were buggier.
    My friends couldnât understand my upset. âDude,â they told me. âYou never have to pay for coffee again in your life! Youâve got it made! Do you know how much money youâre saving?â
    âBut I donât want to talk to these people,â I said.
    âYouâve talked about God with us before,â they replied. âSometimes, weâll stay up until two, three in the morning discussing the nature of heaven and hell. You dig philosophy, Ferrett. If you like talking about that shit with us, then why not with them?â
    âBecause theyâre just one-note and donât really care what I have to say,â I said.
    âJust try âem, man. Some of them are cute. Maybe some of them actually want to date you!â
    âI guess,â I said. âBut how do I know which ones are genuine without having to talk to a bunch of phonies?â
    Eventually, it got to the point where I started bringing friends with me for cover, so I wouldnât get interrupted. That didnât work, either â- while it helped, the more aggressive proselytizers would interrupt me in mid-sentence to ask me if I wanted a drink. Suddenly, the Starbucks wasnât fun anymore -â it wasnât a place to hang out, but a place where Iâd just constantly be bugged by attention I didnât want. And the guys who werenât getting free drinks were calling me stuck-up, jealous that I was getting all these free drinks and not even wanting them.
    So I stopped going.
    Okay. Clearly, that didnât happen. But Iâm trying to prove a point here.
    One of the things that guys donât get is why women donât like to be hit on. As a guy, when you get hit on, even if itâs a clumsy attempt, itâs generally a very rare and remarkable event â- it puts a spring in your step, even if youâre not particularly attracted to the woman, because as an average-looking guy, scarcity of compliments is the norm. So if a girl catcalls you and goes, âNice butt!â and appears to be serious, thereâs often this sort of strange pride. Hey, that doesnât happen often, she must really be into me.
    So a lot of guys have this unspoken attitude of, âI wish Iâd be harassed.â And they donât get why women are so angry when hey, I was just trying to be nice, why you gotta be so mean?
    Thing is, when itâs not scarce, then even the nicest act starts to get annoying. Because you donât get to control when people are quote-unquote âniceâ to you, and it happens all the time, and you know thereâs always a hidden cost behind it. You start to question peopleâs niceness, because theyâre not doing it to be kind, theyâre doing it because they want something from you. And maybe, yes, thatâs something you like to give to certain people, but definitely not to everyone, and almost certainly not to the kind of guy whoâs certain youâre going to give it to him if he just bugs you enough.
    Harassment isnât once. Harassment comes from a lifetime of dealing with people constantly doing things to you, whether you wanted them or not, at random intervals. You learn not to trust people. And what might have been pleasant, once, as an isolated incident, starts to feel pretty oppressive when itâs something you deal with on a weekly basis. It changes you, and then guys call you bitchy when you donât feel like playing along and pretending this is just about the coffee.
    But I think most of âem would feel the same were the tables turned. So please. Think about what youâre spouting.â
Article by Ferret Steinmetz, posted on Jezebel.
SGU 1.10 â âJusticeâ
I needed that, especially the middle of the third row. Thanks, Courage Wolf!

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âI love it when a plan comes together.â
- John âHannibalâ Smith