Goodnight

And what makes it worse, I don’t see it changing. I don’t see any of this being anything better, I don’t see anything working out until we’re in person together, but by then I’ll be too used to being in an unhealthy relationship that what if I can’t handle it being healthy. None of what you do is for me, not working a bunch, not changing me, not a single thing you’ve tried to say you do for me has actually been for me, because I’m miserable. If you genuinely meant when you say “I just want to do what makes you happy” then we wouldn’t be here, and that’s what hurts the most. I know it’s never meant but I say thank you everytime he says it. Thank you tumblr for being my outlet once again

I feel so shitty, I just want to be loved and appreciated. I want to feel equal, I want him to genuinely treat me with kindness. I shouldn’t have to have cramps or be sick or be in person to get affection or proper attention. He sees me as an after thought. I don’t care that he fucks up I just care that he fixes it, I don’t care that he doesn’t have time for me I just want him to be honest, I don’t care that he cares more about other shit I just want him to be honest with me. All I want is honesty and respect. Have the respect for me to put in effort, realize how badly you’ve fucked me up in the last year or two and genuinely sit there and say you’re sorry, I hate when someone else plays victim, I hate when someone apologizes to themselves, I hate when they need comfort when I’ve been the one crying. I have been so fucking understanding and patience and he keeps asking me for more, more time more understanding more patience and I just can’t. I’ve been worn down, I don’t have a sense of self anymore it’s been taken away again and again and again. Why do I have to keep my guard up? Why can’t I just feel secure? Why promise someone that this will be the one stable thing in their life just to make it the most turbulent? I’ve been through hell and I don’t fucking know what to do. I just want to be heard. I just want to be sat down and told “I’m so fucking sorry I did these things to you” with a proper explanation other than “I don’t know” why do I have to sit here and beg to be treated right? Why do I have to let myself fall so he can feel like he isn’t alone? Why can’t we both just be at different stages of our lives and have that be okay? People don’t know what they have until it’s gone but the problem is that I’d never leave him, so of course it won’t change, why would it? It’s easier to put it off than to confront it if there’s no consequences to doing so. maybe he doesn’t care, maybe I shouldn’t care, maybe all of this is toxic and unhealthy, maybe it isn’t worth it, but why don’t I know for sure? I want to feel a 100% confident when he asks me “is it worth it” or “is it going to get better” but I can’t decide if it gets better, I’m not the one causing the rift, I’m not the one with power, I’m trying so fucking hard to stay stable, to keep myself happy, to hold onto me. But people take selflessness and use it to their advantage. Everytime there has ever been an issue in the one to change, im the one to drop everything, and now he can acknowledge the fact that it wasn’t me who was causing this but he can’t sit there and give me a genuine apology without saying “I hate myself, im such a shitty person, it hurts me just as much as it’s hurting you, I wish I could be like you” that isn’t apologizing, that isn’t taking blame, why do I have to pick you the pieces that you’ve shattered? Im so close to just giving up and not caring anymore, im so close to telling him to just forget about everything and do whatever he wants, im so tired of making everything okay when i feel like im shattering little by little every time. If he doesn’t want to put the work in why do i try and make him? If there’s no work then the whole relationship won’t work and I’ve tried so hard to make it work but maybe I can’t. Maybe I’m not the right person for him, maybe he needs someone who doesn’t care if it sinks or swims, maybe he needs someone who doesn’t need him, maybe he needs someone who’s okay being an afterthought, but why can’t it be me? Why have I put 2 1/2 years into this for that person to not be me, would someone finally love me right if I was that person? Why can’t I just be me? Why isn’t anything unconditional?