Silas Square

Pros of having a shitty apartment: Cheap rent.

Cons of having a shitty apartment: The front door that would put Jamie Lee Curtis to shame.

You turned towards the door as it screamed- or, rolled your head to the left at least. Somehow you managed to get home early, and you were taking full advantage of it. Comfy clothes, legs propped up on the coffee table, Bones playing on the TV. The perfect start to a perfect afternoon. And now your husband was home. Even better.

Except, Shawn didn’t seem to be nearly as happy about being home as you. He winced at the noise. His eyes screwed shut for a moment. Stepping inside- after trying to move the door as little as possible- Shawn toed off his shoes. He scuffled forward. There was no better word for it. You didn’t even think his feet left the ground.

“Shawn?” you called, keeping your voice reasonably quiet.

You felt like you hadn’t seen Shawn all week. Between the extended hours at your own work, and the back to back cases being dropped on Psych, there hadn’t been much time for the two of you to spend together. You were exhausted, and you knew Shawn felt the same. He was just better at hiding it. But right now? Lights were flashing in your brain. Shawn was giving off all the signs that today was too much.

Something halfway to a smile pulled at his lips as he looked at you. “Hey-” affection in his tone, the kind saved only fro you “-what’re you doing here? I thought you had work.”

“I could say the same for you,” you replied. Shawn was putting up walls now that he knew you were here. He didn’t always mean to hide things from you- they were just the unintentional kind of walls he’d grown up with. The kind that followed him.

Spreading his arms out wide, Shawn answered. “I make my own schedule, baby. Psych works for me.”

An amused huff escaped through your nose. “Says the guy who’s had cases piled a mile high on his doorstep for the last week.” You sobered, concern pinching your features as Shawn got closer. “What really happened?”

“Chief sent me home because being in the station was making me want to crawl out of my skin.” Shawn rolls his shoulders as he speaks. It’s a tell of discomfort. “Everything was- it was all just-”

Shawn made it to the couch. From over the back he leaned down, curling over to rest his head on your shoulder. You reached a hand to cup over the back of his neck. The twitch of muscles tickled as Shawn’s eyes around behind his eyelids. Still seeing that everything.

“Too much?”

An exhale. “Too much,” Shawn agreed.

You squeezed the back of his neck. “C’mere,” you said before pulling away. Shawn whined, pressing his forehead harder into your shoulder. You shrugged to shake him off. Shifting on the couch, you settled into a slightly more comfortable position as Shawn rounded the furniture. He made sure to groan the entire time, so you would know he was very much comfortable burying his head in your neck like an ostrich.

“Lay down, Lurch,” you said, patting the cushions to your left.

Finally, Shawn reached you. He fell back onto the couch, twisting his head in your direction. “Lurch? I was going more for experiment-weary Frankenstuff.”

Joking was good, but Shawn’s voice was still far too quiet for his normal. You didn’t call him out on it- far too appalled by his double mistake. “First off,” you started, “it’s Frankenstein, and that’s not even the monster. Frankenstein is the doctor- you would be Frankenstein's monster. And second, you’re far too domesticated to be him anyway. You’ve got Lurch’s big heart.”

Shawn opened his mouth, but you interrupted him. He could go back and forth on this one comment for far too long, and you wanted him to rest. “Now,” you said, putting a hand on his arm and tugging. “Lay down, Shawn. You need a break.”

And the look on Shawn’s face- he didn’t say anything, but his whole face softened. His eyes went warm, and it’s the same look that’s melted you into pieces for years now. You knew Shawn. What he needed, and what he didn’t. All the little things he didn’t say. And he always treated it like a superpower. One he didn’t deserve to be on the receiving end of.

You thought differently.

With one last tug, Shawn tipped to the side. The weight of his head settled into your lap. The gel-soft curl of his hair and the warmth puffs of his breath against the bare skin of your thighs, your shorts not nearly long enough to dull the sensations. You looked down at Shawn. His eyes were open, scanning over the pseudo-living room in your apartment, and his fingers has already started tracing circles on your knee.

You let your hand travel to his hair, messing up its style. Normally, Shawn would complain. The fact that he didn’t only proved just how overstimulated he was. Once- back when you were still dating- Shawn said that the scratch of you fingers on his scalp was the opposite of too much. The sound drowned out everything else. Let him breath without having to take everything else in.

Like you expected, Shawn melted into the touch. His weight got heavier, muscles relaxed. It was nice. Simple. Easy. It was the moments like this that made the chaos of your lives worth it. The quiet ones. The early mornings and late nights where it was just the two of you, hidden away from the rest of the world. Inside your apartment, nothing else could reach you. Not if you didn’t want it to.

This afternoon? You made the decision to shut everything out. Shawn needed it, or else he’d start to crumble. You’d never met another man who needed as much sleep as Shawn, and you knew he wasn’t getting enough. Even though he was sleeping through the night- he wasn’t sleeping long enough. Going to bed too late, or getting up too early.

You felt when Shawn’s breaths started to get deeper. Not asleep, not yet, but close. You knew it wouldn’t take him long. The low drone of Bones in the background was calming. Loud enough you could hear it, low enough it wouldn’t force Shawn’s attention. A balance of volume the two of you had to find every time you got a new TV.

“Let’s never leave.”

Shawn’s voice made you blink, startling you from your thoughts. The words came slow in the way they only ever did when Shawn was on the brink of sleep. The idea was tantalizing. Your knees were starting to ache from the over extension of being propped up on the coffee table for so long, but you welcomed the pain if it meant staying here forever.

“Okay,” you agreed. The choice was simple. Easy.

Even when Shawn’s hand froze you could feel the phantom circles on your knee. After a moment his thumb pressed deep, the rest of his fingers following suit. A tight hold infusing the moment. Time felt the slowest when it was just the two of you. Like you really could stay on this couch forever, basking in the faint afternoon sun.

You opened you mouth to say… something. But a small huff caught your attention, and you looked down to see Shawn lost to the world. His face blank with sleep. His hand went lax on your leg, a dead weight holding you in place. You felt your own eyes grow heavy, and you knew you would regret it when you woke up but you couldn’t find it in yourself to care.

Sleep never came easier than when Shawn was around. Your head dropped to the side, held up only by the overstuffed couch cushions. The rest of the world felt so far away. Just one afternoon. That was all you needed.

The jangle of keys rouse you from a doze, but you make no move to sit up from the couch as the door opens. The cushions are too soft, your boy too melted into the fabric.

“Fuck ‘re you doing here?

Joel sounds… just as annoyed as he always does. He does sound a little extra shocked, though, which you’re going to count as a win. You pry an arm from over your eyes, letting it flop to the floor.

“Enjoying this nice ass couch you got,” you reply.

Across the room, Joel drops his wallet and keys onto the entryway table and toes off his shoes. He also sighs- loudly. Like you decided to turn all the lights on and leave all the taps running instead of taking a slight nap on his couch.

“This ain’t a house for wayward teens,” Joel grumbles.

“You let Tommy live here.” you counter.

Joel laughs- well, lets out an amused huff, more like, because he’s an asshole and won’t admit you’re funny. “Ain’t a house for wayward girls, then.”

Offended, you sit up in a flash. “Now that’s just sexist. Would you really prefer Tommy’s pot-smoking boys over me?”

You get an eye roll in response. Just an eye roll, no comeback. Which in Joel speak essentially means he knows you’re right. You fall back into the couch again, this time against the squishy back cushions. “That’s what I thought, Mr. Miller.”

That gets you a glare. Joel hates that.

“I told you to stop calling me that,” he says, proving your point. You give him your best innocent, teenage girl smile. As if you’ve ever called him that because of proper manners.

“How the hell did ya get a key, anyway?” Joel asks, standing in the middle of the living room.

You shrug. “I stole it from Tommy.”

For a moment Joel just stares at you. He opens his mouth once, closes it again. You wait for him to say something- to tell you off for it, maybe- but he doesn’t say anything. He just shakes his head, walking past you into the kitchen.

You watch him go, fingers tensing around the edge of the couch cushion. You didn’t think Joel would be mad. Tommy and you had been friends for a couple years now, and he’d been inviting you over for nearly that whole time. You’d gotten pretty familiar with Joel.

But… you guess you might’ve crossed the line with this one. Sneaking in here on your own. Joel wasn’t your brother. It’s one thing for Tommy to bring you over without any warning- it’s another for you to just show up. He seemed like he was joking when he came inside, but Joel could also be a hard man to read.

And you’d just been fucking sarcastic back.

Your fingers twitch, refusing to relax. A not so great feeling starts to drip in your gut. You really liked being friends with Tommy, but maybe you’ve gotten a little too comfortable in the Millers’ lives. It was just nicer over here. Your parents never gave a shit about where you went, but they barely cared any more when you were home.

Fuck. You’d fucked this up, hadn’t you?

You were dragged out of your thoughts when something nudged your leg. Looking up, you were met with Joel. He held out a soda in your direction, another one already cracked open in his other hand.

“C’mon,” Joel says. He nods his head to the side. “I gotta project I could use some help on, and wayward teens are usually put to work, right?”

Eyes wide in surprise- which makes you cheeks threaten to burn because you know Joel can see it- you take the offered drink. He doesn’t seem mad.

When Joel turns on his heel, you get up and follow. You take a sip of the soda, cold and sugary and very obviously the shitty off-brand. Hopefully, it will help you wake up some- the nap you’d just taken didn’t do much to stave off the tiredness weighing you down.

Joel stops in the cramped bathroom, setting his own soda down on the back of the toilet. You do the same, on the edge of the sink. Frowning, Joel points at the tiny washer and dryer tucked into the room.

“Both of these’ve miraculously managed to throw themselves off balance at the same time. So, of course, they’re now refusing to run. Normally,” Joel continues to explain, “it’s an easy fix- just a matter of adjusting the feet on the bottom.

“All fine and dandy ‘cept for the fact that when you buy the shitty pair from some coworker’s neighbor, it turns out they come without half the feet. Which leaves us with this.”

Joel gestures again, this time to the top of the dryer. You notice it has a handful of mismatched scrap wood spread across the top.

“Damn thing is gonna take more than two hands. I was gonna wail til Tommy got home, but the sooner I get this fixed the better and I’ve no idea when he’ll be home. You mind?”

You shake your head, stepping closer. Really, all Joel needs is someone to tilt the machines back as he wedges the wood scraps underneath. You are almost positive he could’ve done this himself- that he wasn’t actually going to wait for Tommy to get home.

But Joel also isn’t kicking you out. If anything, he’s sort of giving you a reason to stay. Under the guise of helping him. It feels like some unspoken assurance.

It doesn’t take long to balance the washer and dryer. At some point Joel pulls a level out of fucking nowhere, so you have a real gauge over an approximate assumption. It feels like a little bit of overkill, but what the hell do you know-

Afterwards, you follow Joel out of the bathroom and into the kitchen. It’s only just now getting close to six o’clock. According to Tommy, most nights Joel gets home a hell of a lot later than he did today. You hesitate for a moment by the table. You’d hoped that Tommy would be back by now, so you had a better excuse to linger.

Joel opens the fridge, but he turns to look at you over his shoulder before grabbing anything. “I didn’t think to ask- Tommy didn’t tell you when he’d be back by chance, did he?”

You shake your head- you don’t even know where he is. Which definitely means he is off doing something he’s not supposed to be doing. Tommy always tells you otherwise. Based off Joel’s expression, he’s thinking the same thing.

“No us waitin’ on him, then,” he says and starts pulling a few items out of the fridge. Then the cabinets, and then he’s turning on the stove.

“I should probably head back home,” you say, rocking back on your feet. You’d rather be here.

“If you want,” Joel agrees, “but I’ll be making plenty extra to leave for Tommy if you wanna stay. Maybe you bein’ here for dinner will encourage him to start being back in time.”

You chuckle. “Trying to encourage Tommy to do anything he doesn’t think was his idea is a fool’s errand.”

Joel lets out another one of those amused huffs. “Even so, at least he listens to you half the time. That’s twice the amount he ever listens to me.” A moment of silence lapses before Joel speaks again. “But if you’re gonna stay, go ahead and work on your homework while dinner’s cooking.”

“Who says I didn’t already finish it all?” you counter.

For that, you get fixed with a bored look and a raised brow. “The couch- which still has an impression of your lazy ass from how long you were laying there.”

You groan, but move to grab your backpack from the living room. While you’re in there you peer around, and the couch does not have a single impression of yours thank-you-very-much. Still, you drop into one of the chairs at the kitchen table and unzip your bag.

At least Joel’s willing to talk to you while you work.

*-*-*-*

Tommy strolls in as you and Joel are cleaning your plates. He makes a clatter as he comes through- dropping his backpack, kicking off his shoes. There is only the faint smell of weed coming off him when he enters the kitchen, though, so it could be worse.

“Hey, Joel,” he says, making a beeline for the stove where his dinner is being kept warm.

He doesn’t notice you until he spins to sit at the table, hands full with the plate Joel handed him on instinct. Tommy catches your eye, looks away, and then stumbles with how hard his head snaps back up towards you.

“You-” he drops into a seat. “You stole my fucking key, didn’t you?”

Trying to hold back your shit-eating grin proves to be an impossible task. The affronted look on Tommy’s face is just too good. A snarky remark is burning on your tongue, but Joel beats you to it.

“Serves you right for not keeping track of your things, dumbass,” he says, tipping Tommy to the side by a palm on his head.

With all the grace of a smug, older brother, Joel ducks out of the way when Tommy tries to retaliate. He does laugh then- something from deep inside his chest. And you realize you’ve only ever heard Tommy make Joel laugh like that.

Once Joel leaves the room, Tommy stabs his fork in your direction. Swallowing around the largest bite you’ve ever seen someone take, he speaks. “You are not allowed to team up with my brother. That is not how this-” he aggressively gestures back and forth between the both of you “-works.”

Rolling your eyes, you lean on the table. The heels of you palms press into the wood. “If you’d gotten home at any point before dinner, I wouldn’t have to. You left me no choice.”

Tommy makes an offended noise through yet another mouthful of food. You just grin as you bend to pick up your backpack. It’s nearly eight now- you really should be getting home. Tommy calls out to you while you’re slipping on your shoes.

“You ain’t even gonna hang out before you leave?”

Straightening, you look across the room at him. “I’ve been hanging out dude- You’re the one that missed it.

It’s worth it just for another glimpse of that offended expression. You hear Tommy groan behind you as you open up the front door.

“Thanks for the dinner, Joel!” you exclaim, raising your voice to carry down the hall.

It’s only a second before a voice calls back, “Any time, kiddo.”

A content feeling settles in your chest after you close the door. The sun lingers on the horizon. You like being at the Millers’ house- Tommy and Joel are fun. Even just being there, taking a nap on their couch, was nice. Your house is just fucking boring. And Joel really didn’t seem to care that you just showed up. Tommy’s ego might explode if you tell him, but… you’re lucky to have him.

It’s not until you get home, all the way into your bedroom without seeing a single soul, that you realize you never gave back Tommy’s key. And neither of them ever asked.

*-*-*-*

The last few days had been quiet. Disconcertingly so. You and Tess had been traveling together for months now, but it feels like you’ve only just started to make any progress. She was tracking two people- Joel and Ellie, she’d eventually told you- that you’d seen her sneaking around the Capitol with. You, on the other hand, had just been following them.

You’d pulled her out of the burning building, fighting against flames and infected. Tess had lashed out at you, tried to push you away. She thought she was infected- but you’d never been able to find a bite. It was all just nasty blood and scratches that didn’t break the surface. After that, well, you managed to convince her to let you travel by her side.

It was weird, at first. It’d been a long time since you’d spent so much time with one person. Longer since you started to trust someone. Which was ironic because Tess was the most stubborn, closed-off, hardass you’d ever met in the beginning. Though, maybe that’s what made you trust her. She never lied, never tried to manipulate you. She was trying to survive, trying to cross the country, and you were allowed to follow as long as you didn’t get in the way of that.

But somewhere along the way, something changed. You opened up, and so did Tess. Slowly, piece by piece, until you could talk like friends. Everything you learned about each other was through conversation on the road. The two of you had a lot of ground to cover and not much else to do. Eventually it became… familiar, the easy flow of conversations. No matter what they were about. You could talk to Tess, and she could talk to you.

You also liked to ask a lot of questions, once you got comfortable. A way to fill the open air.

“If you could have one normal thing, what would it be?”

Tess looked in your direction, curiosity in the line of her brow. She always indulged your questions- even the hard ones. It made traveling easier. The silence could ring far too loud out here. You think it could drive you crazy if you let it.

“What do you mean, normal?” she asked.

She was also very logical minded. It took a lot to get her to look past the reality of everything, to fantasize about what could be or what used to. You liked that about her. Tess kept her feet grounded where she was. But you also liked to push her past it- to get her mind somewhere else for a second. The open road was an unforgiving mistress now. You’d seen many people get lost to tragedy, to fear.

Happiness isn’t free anymore. You have to make those moments for yourself. And Tess? Well, you think she deserves a lot of them.

“I mean normal- like the things we had before. Things that you’d see and go- Oh yeah, a lot of people have those.” Tess watched you explain, and you shrugged under her gaze. “We don’t get those type of things anymore. Food, water, shelter, clothes- all those things are a necessity. They don’t get to be fun anymore. It’s all about survival.”

Tess hummed, taking in your words. She always did. Always took time to answer, to really think about what you asked. Tess listened to you. Not a lot of people did that anymore. You squinted against the sun, shining low against Tess’s back. Like a spotlight of her own, lighting up the point of her nose and the making her hair glow. God, this moment was almost worth it all. Everything you two had endured together on the road. Everything that came before.

When she was focusing, Tess would purse her lips. She would stare off, as if whatever was flying through her head was right in front of her eyes. If you were walking, she’d rub her thumb against her fingers. If you were riding, she’d rub it against the reins of her horse.

“I’d have a garden,” Tess said, startling you out of your revere. “I miss having a garden. We used to have such a big one, at my house. Three raised beds, maybe four? Just these huge things filled with tomatoes and cucumbers and peppers. All kinds of things. And…” Tess took a deep breath. You watched it travel from her shoulders to the bottom of her stomach. Slow, steadying.

“And we had one tiny flower bed. For my son.” You saw Tess’s hands tighten around the reins, now. Reflexively, yours did the same. “I would spend hours in our backyard gardening, and he always wanted to help. One year he asked if he could have his own for flowers and, well… he had one the next day. I loved that he wanted to spend time with me.” She chuckled, “Even if half the time that meant just digging in the dirt.”

Tess took another deep breath. You looked away, giving her a moment. Talking about before is harder for her than it is for you, with good reason. But she doesn’t let it stop her. The first time she told you about her son, she said it used to- stop her, that is. For years she didn’t talk about it. She said it made her so tired, keeping it all in. Tess loved her son, that much was obvious. She was tired of people not knowing that.

You thought it made Tess the strongest person you’d ever met. Just another thread in the rope that pulled you to her.

“We’ll get you one,” you said, abrupt. “I don’t care if it’s two cardboard boxes with the two wimpiest tomato plants you’ve ever seen. We’ll get you a garden.”

When Tess looked over at you, there was sadness in her eyes. The kind that came from memories that felt both far away and entirely too close. And then it softened. It didn’t disappear, no, but it was met with something so warm it made your cheeks flush. Ridiculous, like you were a teenager with a crush. Tess had a knack for bringing that out in you.

“What about you?” she asked. There was genuine curiosity in her tone. When you first met, every sentence fell from Tess’s lips in the same cadence. No influx in her voice. Everything was monotone- unless she was angry. That was the only time you caught any emotion from it. Things changed, somewhere over the last few months.

She’s let you in. Stopped hiding her personality.

“A gun safe.”

A surprised huff fell from Tess’s lips. You grinned at her, big and wide and far too careless for the potential dangers surrounding you. But it was funny, and you needed funny. The both of you did.

“A gun safe?” she repeated incredulously. “I say a garden, and you say a gun safe?”

You five yourself a few more seconds to laugh, to keep the air light around you. And then you roll your head back towards the sky, relax your body against the sway of your horse’s steps. It was silly, your answer. But you’d thought about it so much- too much, probably. If anyone is going to understand, though, it’s Tess. You just have to gather the right words to tell her.

“People used to buy guns just to lock them away. To never get them out except for their annual hunting trip or to teach their grandkid how to shoot. I want that. I want to feel safe enough to have a gun I can’t get to. I want to end up somewhere where I don’t need my gun every day.”

Tess had her lips pursed again. She wasn’t staring off this time- she was staring at you. That mix of softness and sorrow on her face. Because you both knew. It was a luxury to put a weapon away ever since the outbreak. All too often, no weapon meant death. In so many ways. You just wanted to let go of that.

“Even if I have another gun I carry around,” you continued, “I want to come home with the knowledge that I have a perfectly good weapon locked up tight. That I’m safe enough to allow for that. Is it foolish? Maybe. Wasteful? Probably. I didn’t even like guns that much before. I just want to be able to put one down again.”

“No, I…” Tess starts,” I think I understand. It’d be nice to walk into a room with no guns, no knives, and be okay with that. I used to like carrying around a pocketknife- like my dad did- but if I took off my jeans and left it in the pocket, it didn’t matter. Sometimes I didn’t notice for days.”

“How nice,” you muse, “to have forgetfulness be so mundane. I think I’ve forgotten what it was like, not being on guard all the time.”

Tess sighed, “Yeah… me, too.”

The deserted road stretched out before you. You were probably pushing your luck, traveling so out in the open. Buildings were getting concentrated again which usually meant people. For better or for worse. Usually worse. Like she was reading your mind, Tess steered her horse towards the edge of the road. It was without question that you followed her. She was better at stealth than you.

Back to reality, then.

*-*-*-*

Something about the idea of a garden stuck with you. You often found yourself drifting when things were calm, thinking about another version of Tess. Younger, with less worry held between her brows and more smiles on her face, kneeling in the grass and covered to her elbows with dirt. You imagined her tying her hair back with a bandana and wiping sweat from her forehead, leaving even more streaks of dirt behind.

Tess, in your mind, while gardening, was happy. She talked a little more about it, each time you asked. How gardening calmed her mind, how she can still taste a fresh cucumber on her tongue and how they were never the same from the grocery store. You wanted that back for her. You wanted Tess to be gardening now, squinting against the sun and putting her crow’s feet on display. You wanted her to complain about how her knees ached when she knelt too long. You’d find her one of those foam pads to use, or you’d make one maybe. Just to keep that happiness on her face.

You wanted it. You wanted more than this.

You’d gotten a taste of it. When Tess held your hand for a little too long after pulling you away from an infected. Both of your hands were rough and scarred and calloused. They fit well together. Or when you’d managed to find a cabin where some survivor before you had boarded the windows and rigged the door, so you and Tess got to sleep side by side on the bare mattress instead of switching to keep watch. You’d woken up without a crick in your hip from the floor and with Tess’s face barely a foot from yours.

In another world, you would’ve already taken your chances.

A world where Tess would call asking you to help her plant a new garden bed, and you’d go because you knew how happy it would make her- and because you’d take any excuse to be around her. Where you could share a bed with sheets and the thinnest comforter in existence because you both ran hot at night. Come fall, you’d cook meals with all the harvests from Tess’s garden that would taste better than any restaurant. And you would can all the extras, but because you wanted to, not because you’d run out of food in the winter without them.

This wasn’t that world, though. And telling Tess how you felt about her was, unfortunately, at the bottom of your list of priorities. Beneath the desperate scrawl of survive. No matter how many times your gaze lingered on her… or how many time you caught hers lingering on you. It was stupid to tell yourself there would be time later- you weren’t guaranteed tomorrow, let alone the end of your journey, and you knew that- but you could hope.

You still had Tess, in one way or another, and she had you. That could be enough for now. It was more than you’d had in a long time.

*-*-*-*

You aren’t quite sure what made you say it that night. It wasn’t a particularly special one. Nothing amazing had happened, but nothing horrible had either. You hadn’t found Joel and Ellie yet, but you’d run into some Fireflies who had a guess as to where they were going. All it took was Tess dropping the name Marlene and you flashing some dog tags with a stamped engraving and the group’s symbol.

They weren’t yours. You’d pulled them off a dead body before you’d met Tess. But something told you to keep them- and turns out it was a good thing you did. They’d clearly believed you were Fireflies. When you told them you were trying to meet up with Marlene, well, they gave over what information they had far too quickly. After you left, Tess had scoffed about having bad men. You couldn’t disagree, but this once you were grateful for it. Because you had a place.

Salt Lake City.

There was a hospital there apparently, the Firefly’s headquarters for research. If something was happening, chances are it’d be there. Accurate or not, it was only lead you had gotten in a month. Tess hadn’t given up- she wasn’t going to, you knew that- but you’d seen the tension in her shoulders. The way she grew a little more restless each night. This was something solid.

So you started off towards Utah. Covered more ground than you had in weeks. It felt like you walked from dawn to dusk every day. Your calves burned and your hips ached, but you were making progress. It went on like that for two weeks, and then you just… said it.

You and Tess were huddled around a fire. A lot of the snow had melted around you, but the air was still bitter enough to steal a finger or two if you let it. You loved having a fire. For the warmth, yes of course, but also for the way the flames reflected off Tess’s face. The reds and oranges and yellows that made the dip of her cheekbones and the strong line of her brow stand out. Bathed in warmth and relaxed, for once.

She was beautiful. And you’d noticed it before- you’d noticed it every time the two of you sat around a fire. And maybe that’s what it was. Maybe the feeling just finally bubbled over, finally demanded to be voiced. Tess was staring off into the flames, somewhere deep inside her head, and you were staring at her and then all the sudden the words were past your lips. Out in the open.

“I’d really like to kiss you.”

Tess had a good poker face. You knew it the moment you met her. An expressionless mask that never betrayed her feelings. Cold, calculating… frightening if you were on the wrong side of it. And at first, every hint of emotion you’d seen from her seemed like a slip up. An accident. It was more common after months on the road, for that mask to fall. One day, something you said made her laugh so hard her stomach ached. She told you no one had made her laugh like that in over a decade. It made your cheeks feel warm.

When your words registered, Tess’s mask slipped. You watched as it fell from her face, replaced by something that looked like relief. Your stomach twirled, a giddy anxiousness that felt out of place in this version of the world. There was no shock- no grand confession of feelings or unexpected reciprocation. You both knew what the other felt. It’d been building for too long, you’d spent too much time together to miss it.

But now it was spoken, put out in the air. And after that it was just… easy. Like all you’d needed was for one of you to say something. Tess let you kiss her that night. She let you kiss her the next morning when it was finally time to get moving again. She pressed a hand to your back, right beneath your backpack, to guide you through a trashed store and kept it there even after you made it out.

It was good and real and terrifying.

Nights felt so much better. Days felt so much more dangerous. This world- all it does is take. And the things you beg and plead to keep? They’re what the world wants most. There was a safety in the unspoken. You lived and you knew and you shared, but you didn’t have to admit it to the world. You didn’t have to give the world a chance to take this from you.

But you did anyway. Because you love something better when you know you might lose it.

*-*-*-*

And somehow, through it all, you survived. Both of you. Salt Lake hadn’t been what you expected, and you watched a piece of that resolve that pushed Tess forward die when she had to shoot a woman holding Joel and Ellie at gunpoint. Tess never told you why they were coming here, or why it was so important to get Ellie to the Fireflies, but you knew something had gone wrong from the crazed panic in Joel’s eyes and unconscious little girl in his arms.

There was something strung in the air between them. Big and looming. Whatever it was, you knew it wasn’t just something that would go away. Tess shot that woman to save Joel, without any questions, but she’d looked angry. You were used to being the only one who knew Tess so well. Her expressions, her mannerisms. But Joel had known her a hell of a lot longer than you.

He gave her once sentence- a singular line of explanation.

“They were going to kill her.”

And you didn’t know Joel. You didn’t know Ellie. But you knew that she was just a kid, and you knew that look in Joel’s eyes. It was enough for you, even if you never cared much about the Fireflies anyway. As it turned out, it had been enough for Tess, too.

She drove like a bat out of hell away from that hospital. Joel had been in the back, cradling Ellie’s head in his lap. You couldn’t let go of the pistol in your hands for the rest of the day. There had been other people to kill, in the hospital. That didn’t matter. What mattered is that you had finally reached your destination, finally followed Tess to the finish line. It would’ve been the perfect time for the world to take it all away from you. To take Tess away from you.

But it didn’t. You all made it to the end of that night, and the next. And Joel spent days talking with Tess in hushed tones, catching up on the months they’d spent apart. Ellie spent that time huddled close to Joel’s side, and you spent it trailing Tess’s flank. Just far enough away that they had some privacy, but not nearly far enough that you couldn’t pull her away if something happened.

And then Tess pulled you in, told you about a town Joel had mentioned. A community that was established- that was safe. You hadn’t believed it at first, not really. It felt like a pipe dream. Nowhere was ever safe for long. That was something you’d learned the hard way again and again.

Standing there, across from Tess on some deserted road in southern Wyoming, you realized you’d never actually thought about what would come after. After you crossed the country. After you found Joel and Ellie. You knew you wanted to stay with Tess, that you’d follow her anywhere. You just had never thought about where she might take you. Jackson seemed too good to be true. Tess, however, looked hopeful at the prospect of such a place. Joel tried to back his word by saying his brother lived in the town, and that meant something to Tess. It didn’t mean anything to you.

You looked into Tess’s eyes for too long. That hope in them pulled an image from your mind. Played you a vision of a home and a bed and a garden. It felt too much like one of the dreams that spun in your head at night. The dangerous ones that woke you up with an ache in your chest. You’d give anything for a chance at that, for a taste of that normalcy. There was only ever once choice, you knew it even when you were digging your heels in. Tess was going, and that meant you were, too.

Except, all your hesitance had been for nothing. Because Jackson was real. It wasn’t perfect, but they had electricity and a wall and some semblance of safety. You got to the gates and almost didn’t expect them to let you in- it was a fairly closed community- but Tess had wrapped her hand around your waist and tucked you close. Joel’s eyes flickered down, caught by the movement, for a moment. You felt your cheeks go red and your heart swell with pride.

They got you a house. An actual house, for you and Tess to live in together. Joel and his brother Tommy and his wife, Maria, who was one of Jackson’s founders. And that first night, Tess had pulled you into the biggest bedroom without even a second glance towards the one down the hall. Because you were together, so you slept in the same bed even when you didn’t have to. Tess introduced you as her partner, and the emphasis she put on the word… everyone knew what she meant.

The house was small. Just two bedrooms, one bath. A small kitchen and living room. But it was yours, and you had running water and electricity and a yard. You waited for it to disappear. For it to all be taken from you. And yet… waiting one night turned into two, and then a week, and then you’d been in Jackson long enough that it stopped feeling so temporary. The weather warmed and people stopped chopping trees for firewood in favor of counting seeds from last year’s harvests.

Because a large part of Jackson’s food source came from a garden. A garden.

Something pushed at the back of your mind. Something you wanted to do- something you could do because you didn’t have to spend all your time just trying to survive. It would take a fair bit of work- extra shifts, patrols, parting with some of the things you’d collected. You didn’t have much yet, but there were a few items you knew people would be eager to trade for. It would be a hard task, maybe, but not impossible. Not anymore.

*-*-*-*

The unassuming sun beat down on your back, making you sweat. Your thin button-up from this morning had been undone, rolled up at the sleeves. Mornings were still bitter, but you felt the summertime after being in direct sunlight for… however long you had been out here. You pushed to you feet, ignoring the twinge in your legs from staying bent for so long. Finished. And on time, too. It’d been a while since you’d actually built anything.

Tess should be back within the hour. You’d have to find a way to thank Joel for corralling her for the day. It would’ve been a hell of a lot easier if you could’ve just gotten this done while Tess was away on her morning patrol, but everyone had their role in Jackson- and you had your obligations. Joel had offered to build everything for you- but you wanted to do this yourself. He’d already helped you get half the materials.

In the end he took it upon himself to keep Tess out of the house, so you could get straight to work once all your shifts were over. Joel might be the only person in the world capable of caring as much about her as you do. Tess said he was different in Boston, before Ellie, but you’re still glad she had him. Someone to watch her back for so many years.

You left your boots outside the back door, half-unlaced and covered in dirt. The rest of you looked much the same, so you took a while in the kitchen to scrub yourself clean. Or, clean enough. The towel was still in your hands when Tess walked in. You’re not quite sure what Joel had her doing all day, but she looks tired- that deep, physical exhaustion that lets you sleep like the dead.

And she still looked good. Hair pulled back, loose strands framing her face. The grey t-shirt she wore showed off her arms, toned and dotted with sun spots. There was a hole at the hem you didn’t think was there that morning. Tess groaned as she dropped onto the bench by the door. Once her shoes were off, she stood, catching sight of you in the kitchen. You still had the towel in your hands. You’d been staring.

Tess grinned, walked towards you like it was the only place she wanted to go.

“Busy day?” you asked.

“You don’t even know,” Tess huffed, “I swear, Joel saves up his longest jobs for me. Next time I’m sending Tommy with his ass.”

You hummed, finally tucking the towel back where it belonged. “Well, sounds like a good day for a surprise then.”

“A surprise?”

“Out back,” you said, nodding your head towards the door you’d come in through earlier.

Tess’s face pinched, clearly trying to figure out what the hell you had planned. She followed when you spun, making your way outside. You stood to the side on the tiny, cracked patio, watching the confusion on her face melt away. It was hard to surprise Tess- she was too observant, and you couldn’t blame her for it, but it made celebrations difficult. This time, though, you finally managed it.

A smile pulled at your lips as Tess’s eyes went wide, as her mouth fell open just the slightest bit. Her gaze scanned over the yard, taking in the two wooden rectangles filling a section of the yard. Boxes built up from the ground and filled with fresh dirt. The wood was old, some scrap pieces from some of Jackson’s older construction projects. A little mismatched, but they worked.

Two garden beds.

Tess stepped forward, eyes flickering a mile a minute over what you’d built. Taking in every inch. You rocked your weight from leg to leg. When Tess turned back to you, she reached out for your hand. There was an air of disbelief in her voice when she spoke. “You got me a garden?”

“I built you a garden,” you corrected, that smile morphing into something smug. All teeth and warmth and more than a little bit of ego.

A basket rested on the grass between the two beds, and you lifted your free hand to point at it. Even from where you stood you could see the rusty shovel peeking out, alongside a few glass jars. Seeds were a precious resource in Jackson, there weren’t all that many to go around for personal use. But you managed. It was easier to get ahold of the potato and onion- they were already sprouting in the pantry of someone you went on patrol with the day before.

“It’s not much,” you said, “but it’ll get you started. If everyone I talked to was right, you’ll hopefully have enough seeds next year for the garden to become self sufficient.”

Fingers tightened around yours. They were familiar and strong and enough on their own to show you Tess cared. That she appreciated this. But there was safety in Jackson, and Tess let herself show more emotion here than she ever had before. So you felt it in the hold of her hand, but you saw it in her eyes and the curve of her lips. It made your chest swell. You did this for her. You put that look on her face.

“How did you even manage this?” Tess asked. “We haven’t been here that long.”

You shrugged, “Had the idea since the weather started to warm. Joel helped. It’s… this is a real community here, Tess. People actually wanted to help. It was just a matter of collecting things bit by bit.”

Tess kept one hand in yours, and swept forward with the other to curl it around the nape of your neck. She pulled you in, kissed you with a rush that took the air from your lungs. It wasn’t desperation- it was an assurance. Assurance that you had each other. That you could make this last.

“Thank you,” she breathed into another kiss. The words pushed down your throat, past your lungs. They wrapped around your heart. To think, you could’ve never had this. This normalcy. You never thought you would, after the outbreak. And yet… You leaned back just enough to speak, close enough you could still feel the damp heat of Tess’s breath.

“I told you you’d have a garden.”

When she kissed you again, it was all teeth. Both of you were smiling far too hard to continue. You let yourself bask in the feeling, the joy of being in Tess’s arms. A moment later, Tess threw her head back with a groan. You looked at her in confusion, but she spoke right as you were about to open your mouth.

“How the hell am I going to get a gunsafe inside the house?”