missing

so,, mm.. my sona is meant 2 b an angel tht is bein forced 2 live as a human as a punishment 4 their disobedience n doubt.. becomin so used 2 sufferin tht it starts feelin like it's all ur good 4 is smth i struggle with n a lotta m delusions ab not bein human stem frm tht.. ♡ i hold vry sick beliefs of bein a failure as an angel mself, n i tend 2 envy othr ppl bcos they r human n they r so loveable 4 it.. hmmh :c i dnt see mself as a superior being or pure or whutevr, i thnk humans r both tha most lovely n tha most vile creatures, n tht makes thm loveable 2 me.. they r worthy despite bein messy, despite bein dirty n sinful.. u.u` bein worth lovin despite all m filth is m biggest dream y'kno ♡ so uhm evn tho i dnt feel human, i wish i cld be.. i crave tha normalcy of a mundane life where god loves me n i am as flawed as i was designed 2 be, rathr thn somethin tht was soiled by m own stupidness.. i guess i project tht onto m sona a lot..? c: mm,, it's prtty depressive i thnk bt i view it as a good thing rlly.. bad things keep happenin 2 thm cos they r meant 2 suffer bt they also get a chance 2 be human, n if god won't love thm despite their failure, other people will.. ♡ smth cheesy like tht,, i try 2 cling 2 messier things rathr thn pristine n clean imagery now bcos mm i feel i cld nevr live up 2 tha standards placed on me.. i dunno.. i am not makin a lot of sense anymore, i shld get a blogspot or sumth..