Where's the nutgraph?

Conversations : A mad queen and a forgotten poem

“Because one walks alone through the ruins of the heart…” A said quoting his favorite poem.

We were out for coffee with dimly shining stars above us. Stars seem to shine quite faintly since Vincent left.

A and I have been together all day trying to make sense out of the misery love brought us both.

“Las Ruinas del Corazon. Eric Gamalinda. This is so you right now.” he quickly adds.

Surprised, I…

(The entry is originally posted on my wordpress blog The Cat Wrote What?) 

VINCENT used to be my favorite person in the planet.

“You’re my bestfriend.” I would tell him and then kiss him fondly.

I won’t say Vincent is easy to decipher. He had complexities of his own. His past blurred his future and weighed down the present. Unresolved things from his past, mistakes, bad decisions pull him back every time he tries to get a move on with his life. He was stuck. He was afraid to look far ahead. He was too weak to believe that he is the master of his own destiny. He didn’t believe that he could carve his own future. I just rode the waves of life without any question.

Despite this he became my favorite person on earth. He had his imperfections, yes. But those imperfections and his best traits combined made him real. They made him human. To me he was perfect.

I guess that’s why I fell in love with him. I knew he is a bit rough on the edges. At the same time I saw good things in him that the average eye cannot.

Vincent had a big heart. I knew that for sure. Beneath the rough and tough facade he always wore was a good-hearted man. And I loved that about him.

There was something about him that made me feel at ease. I felt most at home when I am with him.

Vincent made me put down my guard. He made me feel secure. I have always been guarded, afraid to let anyone into my life. I always kept people at an arm’s distance. I’ve never given anyone my full trust. I didn’t like getting way too attached to people. I knew people come into your life just to leave. People will always be people. They are bound to disappoint. They are bound to break promises they make. That’s why I built walls around myself.  It was a defense mechanism that was working quite well until Vincent came along.

He made me realize that tearing down the fortress I built around myself isn’t so bad. I let him into my life completely. I allowed myself to get attached. And for the first time in my life I entrusted my heart to someone.

He changed my life. He brought color to my dull and listless life. He made me see life in a whole new way. He taught me how to love and live life to the fullest. He always made me see the brighter side of things whenever I felt life is a big drag.

Days seemed meaningful with him around. No matter how bad my day becomes when he cracks a joke everything would, as if magically, turn around.

I found in Vincent the best friend I could only wish for. We were able to know each other so well we would finish each other’s sentences. I knew what he was thinking before he would actually say it out loud. We did everything together. We were so much at ease with each other. And sometimes I felt like he knew me more than I know myself.

He made me feel special in so many ways. He treated me like a queen–like I am the last girl he will fall in love with.

I loved him. So much.  Maybe too much.

I knew I would marry this person. I wanted him to be the person I’d grow gray hair with. I would always imagine how we would be 30, 40 years from now–sitting on our rocking chairs out our porch looking into the sunset talking about how time flew. We would get into old people fights but in to time patch up. I looked forward to both good and bad days with him.

We loved each other dearly. So, we built a life together.  I wouldn’t say it was perfect but at least it felt like

everything were in place. We were headed somewhere.

Our relationship had with it a promise.

  UNTIL

  Jane barged into our lives.

My bestfriend turned into a horrible monster.

And eventually…

…in cold blood…

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Imagine: Perfect marriage of sweet and tart tastes, custardy and crumby textures. These Lemon Squares is a lovely burst of sunshine. 

I'VE HAD ENOUGH.

  I have been telling myself and the people around me this for a long time.

  I have had enough.

  But I am never brave enough to walk out the door.

  I’m scared, too scared I’d rather mend my constantly breaking heart than walk away.