The pills meme but it's things i wish i had

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@shussanhabibi
The pills meme but it's things i wish i had

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i love this guy
So as an Antarctic expert I need to add to this that we had not in fact been to Antarctica when it was named. The ancient Greeks decided that because there was an Arctic at the top of the world, with bears, there had to be an opposite at the other end, without bears. Which is kind of ridiculous except that the fuckers were dead on
There's more:
During the post-cottage era when Ilya's still playing for Boston, Shane sends Ilya a text one night that's just like "Are you alone?"
And Ilya is like "No I'm out for drinks with the guys. Did you not see that we won, Hollander?"
And Shane texts back like "Of course I saw, that's why I'm texting." Then a few seconds later: "Download this app right now. Be discreet." with an app store link. And Ilya texts back like '??? 🤨 Shane, have you been hacked?'
And Shane is like 'Just download the fucking app, asshole. This is your reward. Username is Jane2481. Fucking HURRY.'
And when Ilya follows the link and finds out that it's the app that controls a vibrating butt plug, he nearly blacks out at the table before disappearing for a suspiciously long smoke break.
@zouisalmightie Aaahh no why would you apologise for leaving this masterpiece in my tags. Holy shitttt
Goddd the idea of Ilya being able to hear allll of it but not speaking to him. Just communicating what he wants from Shane through what he does with the plug until Shane gets it. Making Shane work for it in more ways than just making pretty noises for Ilya. Adding something of a puzzle to it. He knows Shane likes a challenge, and a challenge it's possible to win, and he creates one for him. Hottttt.

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Ilya wants to do one of these "celebraties I don't think my husband can name" videos where he shows different singers to Shane because he thinks it's just too adorable how Shane has no clue about the music industry at all, only for the video to go like this:
- Oh that's Gaga. You know Lady Gaga? Of course, Ilya! She was in A star is born. Really good actress. She is more of a singer actually... Oh yeah that makes sense, I guess. You guess?! Please tell me you know Poker Face, lyubimyy. I know for a fact you have been to a club, you must have heard Poker Face before. I don't know, maybe. [Ilya starts singing Poker Face]. You're lucky you play better hockey than you sing, baby. Oi!!
- Oh I know how him! That's Armando! That's Pitbull. I'm pretty sure that's a human? Are you fucking with me Shanya. Of course baby. I know that he is a rapper but it feels so weird to call him Pitbull, when we met in Miami he said he was Armando. You met in Miami?? Yeah well, was a few years ago, he invited our team to this house- Pitbull invited the Montreal boring fucking Metros to his fucking house???
- Kesha! Do you know her songs? Absolutely none, no. How the fuck- Why am I even suprised you know her too. Oh we met at Roses birthday party in LA. She is so funny, I think you would like her! Maybe I should introduce you. What the fuck- You know what, I call her. Shane!
- Oh that's Kayleigh right? Kayleigh. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's her. That's Chappell Roan. Dykstra is playing her non-stop in the lockerroom. Oh, really? Pink Pony Club? Good Luck, Babe? Casual? Sounds familiar yes. [Ilya starts singing Casual] [Shane blushes] I think... I think I remember now yeah. Didn't know that was Kayleigh. How do you know all these people but have no clue what they do? Oh funny story, she is a good friend of Rose actually-
- Oh, that's Sam! Sam Smith. I've been to a concert. Met backstage. Really cool person. Shanya, you're surprising me? You go to concerts? Well uhm. When... when I was with Rose she got us tickets and - Yeah okey.
- Montero! Or Lil Nas X. Shall I guess: Another friend of Rose? Maybe, I should ask her. Actually we did this campaign together and- I hate you.
- Oh thats the actress from the movie. The movie with all the actresses. Oceans Eight. That's Rihanna. Yeah! Rihanna. I really liked her there, she should do more movies. Shane, she is actually a singer. Oh, that's cool. You're killing me. What? Should I know her? Shane. Lyubimyy. We literally had our first dance to her song.
- That's Benito! Nice guy. You know Bad Bunny? Who is a bad bunny? That is Bad Bunny. Benito Antonio Martínez Ocasio. Okay yeah? He is literally the biggest singer in the world. Is he now? Yes! Oh, wow he didn't mention. Wait, you met Bad Bunny? Yeah, well we were at some galas together, but to be fair he said- Galas? Like how many? Dunno, like four, five times and- Ilya is your nose bleeding?
I also think it would be really funny if Shane knew Armando as a real estate connection. Armando reached out to him (because they're both celebrities in real estate, obviously). Shane doesn't typically do networking, but this time he looks into this guy's properties and just thinks, "Oh! This guy actually seems to be really successful at this. I should definitely accept his invite and learn from him and maybe meet some other people with good advice. It would be silly not to." Armando at some point drops the most casual "You do hockey, right? How is that?" that Shane has ever heard from someone who seems to know who he his. Armando never brings up performing because everybody obviously knows who he is (obviously), and Shane never thinks to ask if he does anything else. Armando sends him a text inviting him to dinner or to parties he happens to be throwing when he sees Shane has a game in town, and Shane always accepts. It would be rude not to, and he likes Armando. Shane gets so accustomed to seeing Armando when he's in Miami that the first time he plays there without getting an invite, he texts him to let him know he's in town and ask him if he wants to get dinner. Sorry man, I'm on tour right now. Next time, brother. What does that mean? On tour? Like, on a tour of Europe? Or is this some slang he doesn't know? Doesn't matter, he's busy either way. No problem man, next time. 👍🏽 At least things are still good with his good buddy Armando. Maybe now he'll facetime Ilya tonight, instead.
prev how dare you hide this in the tags
AU where Ilya's father dies before Irina can commit suicide, so she ends up not doing it and Ilya grows up with his mother instead of his father. He still goes into hockey and professional but less because he needs to escape Russia and more because he really really likes it and wants to have fun with it (and there's a kid in Canada who can keep up with him.....)
(also his brother never becomes an asshole and addicted bc he didn't need to deal with their father + depression + their mom's death and his feelings about it)
Anyway ofc Ilya still pursues Shane with all he has and ofc Shane kind of fold for him (in every ways ehehehheheh i'm hilarious)
But also I have this scene in mind where Yuna and Irina talk during the draft after party and Yuna is internally grinding her teeth bc this woman's son took her baby's spot and victory but she is still being Polite so she's making small talk and.
Yuna: And what about your husband? He must be proud of your son too, right?
Irina, unfazed: Oh, he died a few years ago.
Yuna, assuming Ilya's parents were about the same age: Oh, I'm sorry! Was it an accident, sickness?
Irina, very obviously still in her thirties-not-yet-forty: Oh, no. Old age :)
Yuna, Who Knows How To Do Math: Ah. I see.
Anyway they became friends and it becomes a meme in the hockey fandom that rivals Ilya Rozanov and Shane Hollander are forced to interact bc their moms are besties.
thursday..... and i bet you wish you were her
times Ilya Rozanov drops a “do you know who I AM?”
skipping the line at the club
getting out of a traffic ticket (most successful in Boston)
getting out of a drunk and disorderly charge (this happens twice during the Rose Landry era)
in bed with Shane (Shane will later deny how loud this makes him moan)
skipping the wait at swanky restaurants to take his husband on dinner dates (most successful in Canada)
delirious to Yuna after she beats him at a 6 hour long round of monopoly
getting his children the hot new sold out toy for Christmas
while talking to his father
“spicy pillow” jokes aside, I think @flowerkrone’s tags deserve a serious reply:
#my old phone looks like this on my shelf lmao #im too scared to touch it to throw it away #idk what trash this even goes into when its at this point
The pillow-shaped object here used to be the phone’s battery. It’s not a battery anymore. Now it’s a balloon full of corrosive, pyrophoric chemicals and hydrogen gas and it’s one puncture away from burning your house down. I am 100% serious. You should be scared to touch it.
But you gotta touch it, because you gotta get it out of your house before the pressure builds up to the point where the balloon pops. This isn’t going to happen soon – there is no need to panic – but it will happen eventually.
And, indeed, it doesn’t go in the ordinary trash. You put this in the ordinary trash and you’re gonna set the garbage truck on fire. Don’t do that to the garbage collectors, their job is hard enough already.
The first thing you need to do is get a fireproof container. The most common household item that qualifies as a fireproof container is a cast-iron cookpot with a cast-iron lid – often sold as a “Dutch oven.” Any other cooking container that’s unreactive, has a very high melting point, and has a lid made of the same materials will also work: enameled or stainless steel, Pyrex with glass lid, etc.
However: Do not use a pot with a PTFE-based non-stick coating. If the battery does explode, the fire will probably be hot enough to degrade a PTFE coating, producing toxic smoke. (Not that you should breathe the smoke from the battery fire either, but PTFE breakdown products are worse.) Do not use a pot made of aluminium or copper. The fire might even get hot enough to melt those.
Whatever container you use, you might have to throw away along with the phone, so don’t use your good Dutch oven for this. Go to a thrift store and buy a cheap one.
Once you have the fireproof container:
Gently pick up the phone and put it in the fireproof container. If possible, gently tape the phone to the bottom of the container to prevent it from bouncing around. Don’t put any padding in there, that’ll just make a fire worse if it does happen. Put the lid on and tape it shut.
Put a label on the container, something like “DEFECTIVE LI-ION BATTERY – FIRE HAZARD”.
It is now reasonably safe to move the container around. However, if the battery does explode, the container is very likely to leak smoke and get hot, so keep it in a well-ventilated area and away from things that will be damaged by heat. Don’t leave it exposed to the weather, either.
You need to find either a hazardous waste disposal site, or an e-waste recycler that will accept defective Li-ion batteries. I can’t help with that because I have no idea where you live.
However, your local fire department, if you have one, will probably be happy to help. Call their non-emergency number. Nothing is on fire yet, so this isn’t an emergency, but things that can easily start a fire are still within the fire department’s responsibilities. Tell them you have a phone with a bulging lithium-ion battery, you put it in a fireproof container, and you want to know how to dispose of it safely.
If the fire department tries to tell you this isn’t dangerous or it’s okay to throw it out in the regular trash (with or without fireproof container), hang up on them and write a cranky letter to your local government representatives, then keep looking for a proper disposal site.
When you do find a a hazardous waste disposal site or an e-waste recycler, call them and make sure they will take defective Li-ion batteries, before showing up. That’s also a good time to ask if they will let you have the fireproof container back.
Reblog to save lives.
[Image: A phone with the insides visible, including a battery that has inflated like a balloon. The photo is captioned, “Pillow :33”]
Reblogging because I would have had absolutely no idea what to do, either.

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Reblog this and tell me what was your biggest crying over a piece of fiction. You can be vague if you don't want to spoil.
“you support gay rights so you must be gay”
i support animal rights do i look like a fucking alpaca to you
turns out i am gay
holy shit how’d this alpaca learn how to type
Diversity win! The alpaca is gay!
he was a llama
a llama?! he’s supposed to be dead!
Heated Rivalry Inspired by JC Leyendecker
"stress" by yoan capote - made of bronze and concrete
Ilya never gets dementia. He worries about it, with his genetic predisposition and his frequent head injuries. But he never gets it.
His brother does.
His brother calls him, forgetting that Ilya went no-contact with him. Ilya's silent on the phone, listening to Alexei's wife softly explain it to him and take the phone.
He texts Ilya, asking when where he is. Asking who he's playing next game.
Ilya's been retired for over 20 years.
He knows Shane wants to say something, but he never does. He's just quietly supportive.
One day, it's Alexei's wife that calls him. She apologizes for calling. She tells him Alexei doesn't remember her anymore. Or their daughter. He only asks about Ilya and their parents. She offers to delete Ilya's number from his phone.
Ilya declines.
After that, he starts answering the phone. And talking.
Alexei asks where he is. Ilya tells him he's coming home soon. That seems to make Alexei happy.
Alexei asks who Ilya is playing. Ilya says Montreal. Alexei tells him to win or papa will be angry.
Alexei tells him mama made him soup. Ilya tells him that was his daughter. Alexei laughs, he doesn't have a daughter.
He doesn't remember how cruel he was to Ilya. He doesn't remember how much he loved drugs and drinking.
He was so much like Ilya's Alexei, before he started taking after their father. Before he let his anger at their mother consume him. Before he caught Ilya and Sasha and allowed his fear for his little brother to turn into anger and disgust.
One day Ilya offers his wife, Natalia, to have them visit. Their daughter has visited more than once, even stayed with them for a summer after high school. His and Shane's kids tried to teach her hockey.
Natalia regretfully tells him Alexei is not well enough to travel.
Ilya can't travel to them, not while he's married to Shane.
But their phone calls are enough.
About once a week, he gets to speak to a version of his brother than he had dearly missed. He gets to talk about his mama like she's still live, not dead for over 50 years. He gets to talk about the rink he and Alexei used to play hockey at. To talk about the stray cat he and Alexei once hid in their bedroom for a week.
He finds himself looking forward to the phone calls.
And dearly missing when they end.

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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"I heard that if you find a double strawberry, you're supposed to split it with the person you like...
Then I guess I'd give it to... Shiemi..."